Can you guys revise my short essay on chickens? :)

Chicken0Boy

Songster
9 Years
Feb 27, 2010
1,142
4
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Upstate of South Carolina
I just wrote my short essay! My teacher told me it had to be exactly 3 paragraphs, and the topic was your favorite first experience. I thought chickens! I just wanted you guys to look over it and tell me if there is anything I should at to it, change it, and/or take out of it!

Thanks, and here it is....
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I edited, because I made some changes.


My favorite experience for the first time was having baby chicks! They were and still are a blast. There is a lot of information to learn about chickens, but I am only going to tell you about brooding chicks. It is very thrilling step in the life of a chicken.

I bought the chicks from McMurray Hatchery at 1 day old. Baby chicks cannot survive on their own because they don't have feathers to keep them warm until they are 5 weeks old. Until then, they must be kept warm and safe by either a broody hen, or in an artificial brooder. My chicks stayed in a watering trough for a brooder. The temperature stayed at 95 degrees Fahrenheit for the first week. Then it goes down 5 degrees Fahrenheit every week until the baby chicks move into the coop. To keep the temperature that high I used a 250 watt ceramic light bulb that clipped to the side of the brooder (watering trough). For the bedding I used pine shavings with paper towels on top. I was not able to use cedar shavings, because the cedar shavings can cause the baby chicks to be affected by a respiratory disease that will influence them later in life. I had to check their vent every day to make sure they did not get a pasty butt. Eww! A pasty butt is when the chicken poop get stuck on the vent, and the chicks can’t expel there waste. Lastly, I used Chick Starter for their food, and gave them water to drink.

My chicks are grown up now, but as I said I still love them just as much as I did then! I really enjoyed brooding the 25 baby chicks. It was very exciting to see this part in a chicken’s life. Brooding chicks will always be on of my favorite first experiences.
 
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Well done! You might want to write how old the chicks were when you got them. Also " their " is possessive. Use it for "their vent".
 
I would revise the beginning of the first paragraph, to better explain what brooding is. Maybe start with something like "Baby chicks cannot survive on their own because they don't have feathers to keep them warm until they are 5 weeks old. Until then, they must be kept warm and safe by either a broody hen, or in an artificial brooder. My chicks stayed in a water trough for horses...."
 
I was not able to use cedar shavings, because they can the chicks a respiratory disease that will affect them later in life.
Improper sentence, seems like something is missing around the "because they can chicks a ..."
 
I didnt read through it again, and now I feel dumb for a few things.
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I am not that good of a writer so I really thank all of you guys!
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Neither am i. I am dyslexic wich odly means that at times issues stand out, id perhaps briefly explain why its a vent and not just a butt. Maybe raising or hatching baby chicks rather than having. And maybe say/explain you reasearched and made you brooder yourself . And if you really want to score points you could make either your first or last paragraph a haiku.
These rules apply to writing haiku:
  • There are no more than 17 syllables.
  • Haiku is composed of only 3 lines.
  • Typically, every first line of Haiku has 5 syllables, the second line has 7 syllables, and the third has 5 syllables
Chickens in backyard
Who love to scratch, feed and lay
At night roost away
 

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