child adoption

[ole-crone]

ChelC I was so glad when you said that you had second thoughts about adopting from India. That was one part of our adoption seminar I'll never forget. Now you have to remember this was back in the 80s and hopefully things have changed.

The seminar we attended suggested that you avoid Indian adoption to try to stop the demand and stop the babies dying. Poor little Indian babies are like Easter chicks.

Different than the little girls who are put up for adoption - well, because the family wanted a boy, many of the children that came from India then were premature. Mostly young girls, needing money, become pregnant on purpose just to sell the child. However to avoid the shame that comes with pregnancy, they insist on being induced about the time they begin to show - giving birth to little preemies. No one makes money unless the child survives so no effort to help the child for 24 hours. If the baby is still alive at that time, they start to treat it.

Mary Ann

 

[chcknrs]

Wow, some of these stories brought so many tears to my eyes. My story is about Mary.
Mary was 16 when we met her. She went to school with our daughter. She was fostered, then adopted by a woman who then used her for chores and babysitting for her other foster's. She lived in an apartment above the house, with no kitchen, and when she was punished, she wasn't allowed in the "house" area. My daughter verified all of this. She wasn't allowed to do homework when her "mom" needed her to do chores or babysit, which was quite often.
Mary got sick at school one day, and my daughter called me at home. I rushed to the school, it was lunch break. The school called the mom, but she said Mary was faking. By the time I got there Mary was burning up with fever, and somewhat incoherent, so I took her to urgent care. They called the mom, who was miffed!
Mary also needed glasses, but never got them. She couldn't read the board in school and suffered grades for it.
Mary was a very sweet girl. At one point her "mom" agreed to let her live with us, but then changed her mind. My husband and I were willing to adopt her. When mom found that out she would not allow Mary to visit, and grounded her for pretty much life.
Months later, Mary ran away and was living on the streets. I did some work with rescue for street kids, so one of them called me and said Mary was very sick, could I help her. She was VERY ill, and I finally convinced her to go to the free clinic (confindential) for treatment.
Then I convinced her to get back in the system, so we could legally adopt her. What a nightmare! The caseworker accused me of harboring her as a runaway (she had been with me 3 days) and said she had followed Mary's case since birth and NO ONE would adopt her! And threatened me with charges and said I would never get licensed for foster care.
Last I heard, they put Mary in independent living, with no training of how to take care of herself. And now she is using drugs and I cry every time I think of her. She had a chance and the system screwed it up.
We have six kids, she would have become the seventh and had a good life, learned to cook, learned to shop for groceries, had loving family. At 16 her chance at that was mininal, and the county social worker was too obsessed with her to let her get a real chance at life.
She was a sweet loving compassionate girl, but when she got put into the system again, she became an angry person. Her worker threatened a restraining order against us if we even talked to her.
I told the worker we wanted to adopt her. She accused us of trying to make money off of her. The whole thing was awful.

I still worry about her. She is 19 now and I wonder where she is and now I am crying. I did get to tell her we would always love her.

 

[ole-crone]

I grew up during a time when most adoptees were adopted at birth. My experience with my adopted peers is that most of us have these problems.

As a young teen, my cousin and I enjoyed spending time with our 2nd cousin. I would feel slighted when my two cousins would go spend time together, leaving me alone. One day my cousin decided to help me feel better by telling me that it was only natural that she spent more time with Carol than me because I was adopted. That was the only time that cousin ever said anything that suggested that I wasn't really family. It wasn't said with meaness - just a fact. We were more like sisters than cousins, we were normally always together - when my mother died, she stood with me crying that "our mother had died." But the fact remains, down deep inside - we both knew the truth. At the time she said it, it made perfect sense.

The funny part about this story is that years later, it dawned on me that Carol was adopted too! For some reason, my cousin either didn't know or it just wasn't as open as with me.

Later Carol and I compared our deep feelings. At first she didn't share them. She had no desire to know who her parents were. Years later, she told me that she now understood what I had been talking about. She didn't love her family less - she just had never allowed herself to have those thoughts before - it would a betrayal for taking her in. Eventually she would tell me that she no longer felt any ties to our family other than to those she'd grown up with. Luckily we had each other to discuss these feelings with - our family would think we were crazy - afterall, they love us. It helped alot to have someone to share these forbidden feelings with. She could call me to tell me about her search for her roots because she knew her mother would act hurt if she knew. She'd give me names to help her search for. I remember when she called to say that she found her mother - but she had died from lung cancer the year before. She eventually found a living half brother and sister and developed a relationship with her sister.

It's strange to have a double life. It would be so nice to be able to bring everyone together. I wouldn't be me without either. But I live in a world of 'separate but equal' and never feel like I fit 100% in either.

Of course children who went from family to family have issues. Even if my mother had caught me in the delivery room and walked straight home - I'd still have that hole. For that matter, if I had been invitro with another woman's egg - that hole would be there.

We from birth adoptees can do great. But we rarely express any deep feelings. Unless you were adopted you have no idea what we hide inside. The actions many display on the outside are there to protect our adoptive parents. It's hard to explain. Subconsciously we feel that we owe extra loyalty to those who raised us. There is a good old book out there called "Twice Born".

In the end, we can understand each other, but I don't think you can ever understand us. I don't think they've figured out how to fix that. Not even in Sweden where they decided to discourage adoption.

 

[jeaucamom]

Exactly. It is like trying to explain to a man what a woman feels like, or to a woman what a woman feels like.

As an analogy... Before I got pregnant with my first child, I intellectually knew childbirth was painful. And being pregnant I knew it would hurt. But the very act of giving birth is so profound and changes every cell of your physical body and your entire soul and spirit. And you could never explain it fully to someone who has never given birth.

It is the same way with being adopted. We are conceived the same as others, given birth to the same, grow up the same, have the same insecurities and fears etc, and yet, it is so entirely different. No one who has not experienced it would ever be able to understand.

Any way... Ole Crone you stated it much more articulately and I couldn't agree with you more.

 

[Parson's Wife]

Add me to the list. I will email or PM you info if you would like.
God has been so good to us.

 

[Epona142]

Lots of awesome posts about adopting, not any (unless my terrible eyes failed me again!) on giving a child up. Well, I suppose that's not unusual, its a hard thing to talk about. Please, feel free to send me a pm, and I'll get back to you with my story.

 

[meriruka]

Quote:
I'm so surprised to hear this. I've always felt that for my mother to give me up, there had to be a darn good reason, and I'm convinced I had a better life because of her decision. I had great parents and over the years I've seen more horrible things done to children who live with their natural parents than to adoptees. I've always felt that you must really, really want a child if you are willing to go through the adoption process!
The funny thing is, while I don't look like anyone else in my family, I am (in personality) just like my Dad.
It's odd that the other adoptees I've met don't experience all the bad effects described above. I wonder if it's different in other areas of the country, maybe in the south where there is so much more emphasis placed on family and "blood"? Here in the northeast, it's not really a big deal.
One of the great things is my future husband can't look at my mom and see what I'll look like when I get old. He'll just have to risk it!

 

[hoosierhen]

I have a grandson I will probably never meet. Maybe when he is grown, but never as a child. Sometimes I just cry when I think of all I'm missing. I've seen pictures of him with his adoptive family, and how happy they are. I know my daughter blessed them by giving up her child, that she was not in the position to raise, but I still feel a great sense of loss.

 

[jeaucamom]

Quote:
I'm so surprised to hear this. I've always felt that for my mother to give me up, there had to be a darn good reason, and I'm convinced I had a better life because of her decision. I had great parents and over the years I've seen more horrible things done to children who live with their natural parents than to adoptees. I've always felt that you must really, really want a child if you are willing to go through the adoption process!
The funny thing is, while I don't look like anyone else in my family, I am (in personality) just like my Dad.
It's odd that the other adoptees I've met don't experience all the bad effects described above. I wonder if it's different in other areas of the country, maybe in the south where there is so much more emphasis placed on family and "blood"? Here in the northeast, it's not really a big deal.
One of the great things is my future husband can't look at my mom and see what I'll look like when I get old. He'll just have to risk it!

Meriruka, I am very glad that you had such a positive, wonderful experience with being adopted!! What a blessing for you.