Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[connie1966]

Almost three years and I'm sitting here heartbroken I miss my boy so much , it's a nightmare he belongs with us I don't get it

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi all,

It was really wonderful to catch up with my daughter's ex boyfriend yesterday. We talked for 2 and 1/2 hours. It was awkward for about a minute. But he and my husband are both so outgoing that the conversation never really waned.

I couldn't get a sense of what happened with him and his recent girlfriend. When he talked about visiting her state, he referred to her as his "friend". He is set to finish college in 3 years and we talked about his future plans. Unfortunately, he's determined to not live here or in our state again. He loves where he is for college, which is about 2000 miles away.

I thought that he looked guarded in his eyes, but my husband didn't see it. It's hard to know if that's just how he is now, or if it's related to us specifically, or his breakup of the last 2 weeks. Of course he knows we will tell my daughter everything, so he may have just been careful about what he was saying.

He did briefly ask about my daughter - as we were getting ready to leave. That's the one time I started to tear up. I kept it brief, nothing personal. It felt like a thin wall came up. I don't want to tread anywhere sensitive.

My husband was very open and told him he is still family. He said he appreciated it. Definitely not with the level of enthusiasm I used to see, which saddens me. I asked him to let us know when he's around. We shall see if he chooses to do it. He will be back a few more random times this summer. He and my daughter may overlap being home in July.

But, I don't get the sense he will call her. It hurts to admit that. While I can tell he still really cares about her, I feel that he has her memory boxed up in a protected place in his head. And he's not willing to open that box. Not at this time.

My daughter is still watching his snap story, but I don't know if he's watching hers.

He's still the same guy, albeit less emotionally open. But, what else could I expect? I am trying to be realistic and appreciative -- the fact that he met and hung out that long is incredibly awesome.

Of course he would have feelings for his recent girlfriend. I speculate as to who dumped whom, and is it just for summer? But, it's none of my business. And my daughter was just texting me for an hour, asking about him. She's proud of him and cares a lot about him too.

And I feel like a spoiled brat wanting more.....

I always knew that 1 year wouldn't be enough time to have passed for them to know whether they would want to try again or not. More experiences and maturing need to occur. I fear that he is so determined to stay away, that distance will just get bigger.

We have definitely done everything possible to stay connected to him. And he has shown openness to the idea. I just have to let it lie, and let him think about how he feels.

I know I really am very, very lucky to have even gotten this....

Take care - especially Connie1966

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

Wow what I'd give to see him I would probably hug him every five minutes and cry , I think it would make it harder for both of us to move on imagine that three years later and wounds are not completely healed yet! For sure he must have been guarded it's different now and nobody is sure of how much emotion to show what's the right way to act right thing to say you said it yourself you didn't want to tread on anything sensitive .. We need to leave it to destiny I guess what is meant to be will find a way , how you been though do you feel like you got some kind of closure?

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Connie,

Closure? No, not really. It helps a lot to finally know what he's doing and what his plans are. But, he still feels like my kid, so I worry about him. I worry that he's emotionally closing himself off. And I won't have any regular contact to know.

He's convinced himself that his parents don't miss him at all. We had kind of bonded in the past that as we were both youngest kids in our families - our parents had tired of parenting and we both felt a little abandoned.

My therapist believes that is a large part of my reaction to their whole breakup. It triggered my abandonment issues. And now I worry that is happening to him.

He's a strong guy with a lot of friends. And he's far more confident than I was at 19. But I fear he is developing abandonment issues with women. His mom, favorite sister (when he was 12, she had a huge fight with his mom and moved out), first girlfriend that cheated on him repeatedly, and my daughter.

That's also why it's been so important to me that he know I will always be available to him. He's the closest thing to a son I'll ever have. And I genuinely like him. And I will always miss him.

Thanks to my amazing husband, the door has been opened again. I have to accept that is all that we can do right now. And I am grateful. I would not have done it myself. I would have been far too afraid of rejection and hurt. Although, like you, it would really have been a reaction to how much my daughter hurt him. Just redirected at me.

I hope that he will choose to contact us periodically. But, I don't think I'll bother him, except on his birthday. I want him to always feel loved and not forgotten by us.

I have to say, though, it was very surreal to be with him again.

Coffeeluvr

 

[Flowers16]

Hi everyone. Please bare with me.
I am in need of a shoulder to lean on and a safe place to share my heart.
I've read pages of your stories and it has helped me to know that this is not unusual or wrong to feel this sadness and heartache.

Most of you have shared about your daughters and boyfriends break ups.
Mine is about my son and gf. They've been together over 6 yrs and have a son together, my and husband grandson.

My son has recently come back home to stay which makes me know that this is serious.
He said they need time apart but I think this is it for good. They were engaged at one time but then they split over two years ago for a few weeks and then reconciled but they never got re engaged. There's something different this time that I think this is it.

I am so sad and have cried.
I am not crying in front of my son. Even with me just telling him that I'm sad about it he says I'm trying to put a guilt trip on him. And he asks what about his happiness and life.
He says he's tried to make their relationship work, they both have and he has been thinking about them And doing the right thing but he's been miserable for some time.
They've been living together all this time.
I am heartbroken and I know I need to be strong.
I am going to still have a relationship with my grandson and so this means still seeing the gf, mother. And it is hard for me to wrap my around the fact that my son and her won't be a couple but they will still be doing things as parents for their child.

Even yesterday they took their son to the park so as to not Make it such a drastic change for their son.
I really do think this is it for good. They just are done but they'll be amicable and will love each other in their own way but just not how they were.
I don't know the whole story behind the scenes. I've not had a very close relationship with the gf. She's always been guarded with me and has a close relationship With her own mother but definitely she's been part of our family for all these years. Holidays and birthday celebrations. Had family photos, always included her and embraced her. And I've grown to care about and love her. And she's a super good mother to our grandson.
I feel that I have to hide my tears and put on a brave face and not really say how heartbroken I am.
My son said the gf was fine yesterday but I know her heart is breaking. He said that she's been through the emotions and crying. In the past she has loved my son so much and vice versa.
It makes me sad to know that they are sad about this too.

I know my son and his gf can still talk and laugh and have humor and they both love their son but they feel they can't make it together forever.
I can't stop crying because it just complicates things more with them being split. And I will miss her coming over to our home and seeing them together.
I am concerned for my grandson. I know he'll wake up in the morning and want to see daddy. That makes me heartbroken for my grandson that he doesn't see daddy in their house.
How the heck do I process this. I'm finding it difficult but I know I have to keep a check on my emotions, I myself can get anxiety and depression and I know I can't allow myself get so immersed in this emotion.
but i'm on my own with this. I have no one I can talk with about it.
My husband is of the mindset that we don't know everything and maybe it's for the best for our son. we don't know.
To add. Our son has done a tremendous amount for the gf. Helped her get a car and other things as she has been a shy kind of person with anxieties, hasn't worked. He has been her helper so to speak. Encouraged her to grow. Maybe he's tired of doing that.
I love my son and want him to be happy, It certainly makes me sad to hear him say that he's been miserable. I wouldn't want that for him.
So I know I need to get past this and be there for my son. Not judge him or gf and just be the grandma to their son.
I just worry about the future even though it hasn't happened yet.
But things like if they get a new partner in their life and all that family dynamics. Ugh. This just sucks.

Later on today I'll be seeing my grandson and possibly be even dropping him off back at his home which means I'll see the gf.
This is so hard. I feel a pit in my stomach and my heart aches.
Thanks for reading my story and I welcome any responses.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Flowers,

I am terribly sorry for the changes that are occurring in your life. It's so awful, partly because it's out of our control.

Our children's partners become our kids sometimes, and it's awful to have to lose that.

Some people feel that way about their in-laws, and somehow society thinks it's ok to grieve their loss.

And it's not about taking sides. It's just that you're plain sad that this person won't be a part of your life as they have been anymore.

I think you're entitled to your feelings, and your son will come to understand that you miss her. He has every right to end it, and he should respect that you still love her.

The most important thing should be the welfare of your grandson. He needs to feel loved and supported by his whole family. And it sounds like that's a common value you all share.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but there were times last year when I wished my daughter had gotten pregnant. It was pure selfishness on my part, but if she had, then there would have been a permanent connection to her ex. But that was during my lowest moments.

We are all entitled to our feelings. I think that's why we find this blog - to find compassion and validation from those who have gone through this.

Again, it doesn't have to be about choosing sides. I love my daughter and her ex. He will always be my kid and part of our family, whether we talk to him once a year or not. He now knows that, without question. And that's the best we can do. We love, respect, and support both of them. Isn't that what unconditional love is?

Please know that there's a lot of us out there dealing with this. And keep writing.

Coffeeluvr

 

[Flowers16]

Thanks so much coffeeluvr for your kind and understanding reply.
I think right now for me is to try and keep my mind off of it. I am trying to keep busy and occupied because I just find my self close to tears when I begin to think about it.
My husband thinks some of my sadness is because I know how it feels to have broken up with someone you love. I can identify with that heart ache. Because I've been through it myself. So I'm having empathy for the situation for them both.
I am just sensitive and someTimes I wish I didn't feel like I do and was more hard hearted and not care so much. I've always been sensitive and cry easily. .
I'm sure it's hard for my son too but he seems to be doing ok though he has been at the house and in his room most of the time other than work. I don't believe he has another girl or anything like that.
I Am sorry that you've "lost" someone too. I think it must be hard to still be able to have contact with the ex but under different circumstances. Does that make it more painful? Rather than a clean break. It is sad that things are never going to be the same.

Yes the good thing for us is we all care for the little boy and he is priority in this situation.
I have no clue how the "mother in law" feels About my son. We've never been that close but we are amicable enough.
I'm sure she will be siding with her daughter though.
But I'm not to be concerned with what others think of my son. To me he's a good guy and has done a lot for his gf and son. He became a dad at a very young age of 19. The gf a couple years older. And he stepped up to the plate and has worked hard. He went through college and now has a good job, his son (who Will be 6 this year) has been his driving force.
I'm grateful to have this forum to write and express my thoughts and feelings.
Thanks again.

 

[connie1966]

I hope they find their way back to each other.. realize they took each other for granted and realize what is out there ..it's so sad.. we are here when you need to vent

 

[Flowers16]

Thanks Connie1966
Thank you for kind response. I hope you are doing better and your heart is healing.

I don't know what is best in my Situation. To me it would make it less complicated and "tidier" if they stayed together but I don't know how things are behind closed doors. I know the gf has had anxiety issues and she has "melt downs".
I don't know what is the best. I want my son to be happy.

The situation has amped my anxiety up. So I'm trying to keep that under control and not think about their situation too much as I have to look after myself.
I'm actually having to get use to my son being at home again. Lol. I love my son deeply and it has been nice to see him more to say hi and he tells me about his job.
I'm avoiding taking with him about what is going on with him and gf as he tends to shut off shuts down.
So I avoid it. I know he's been over to the gf home and helped out with fixing something but he's been coming back home every night after work.

So the thing I'm adjusting to is him being back home. I like my space, I like it quiet. He's not noisy but I knew he's here in the kitchen, doors opening and shutting, washing machine going at night. Having to tell him to clean up after himself. Lol.

He said his intention is to save up money and find a place by himself. So With him saying that I don't see them reconciling any time soon.
For a few days the gf shut her Facebook off or something and she unfriended my husband and myself. Then she was back on there and re friend requested me which I accepted. I think she is having a hard time. Maybe she was angry I don't know. Husband and I have done nothing wrong, we've been always kind to her.
The good thing is there's no drama being played out on FB. There's no posts and comments being made for everyone to see.

Just a side story but it is relevant.
I have been with my husband for 25 years. Has it always been easy? no of course not and I've even felt like going a couple of Times a few years back but I dug deep and the love resurfaced again and I see how is important to work through it and it's good again.
I like the phrase "Love the one you're With"
We may think there is something better out there and grass is greener but there will always be some kind of problem with whoever we are with and to me it is better to work through it with the one you're With especially if a lot of years have been invested into the relationship unless of course there's abuse or there is totally no love left at all and it is very miserable.

I thank you for kind response and for "listening"

I will update if there's any changes.

 

[connie1966]

He is my heart my little boy I will never get over this loss it's like a death , he was so loving and sweet I miss everything about him out talks our laughs we spent so much time together he was my best friend and now it's over, your x daughter in law must be hurting confused that's why she removed you on fb probably thought it was for the best then missed you guys this isn't easy for anyone .. And your right the grass is not greener on the other side in Italian we have a saying you know what you left but you don't know what you find