Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Loreli]

His mom was just starting to love her. His parents aren’t very nice. They aren’t nice to my daughter and they aren’t always so nice to their son. But the mom isn’t so bad and she was living my daughter. I’d love to talk to her. But she’s so erratic that I don’t dare because who knows what she’ll say or do. Being in quarantine makes it all easier and harder. It’s like living a fake reality and I don’t want the world to open up because then people will know and I don’t want anyone asking me. Now I avoid everyone cuz I don’t want them to ask.
it sure is nice to have four you and hear how you felt too. Because it sure does feel horrible and people think it’s crazy. But why? She asked me to live him! She showed him off and wanted to tend to his every need. And wanted me to do the same just as I do for her. So I did. It was easy. No I’m not allowed.
I feel terrible because the last time he and I spoke (on text) he was upset with me. And my daughter knew we spoke and got very upset with me. So I stopped and couldn’t even apologize or make sure he knows I am still here for him in live in general. I see the miscommunication between them. The misunderstandings are so frustrating. He told me she looks so happy on social media. I explained that that is a photo or a short video!!! My daughter has an amazing knack for pushing through and not wallowing . She won’t let herself get depressed. Good and bad I guess.
Oh man Coffeeluvr, how did you do this. When does it end. What’s your relationship like with him and your daughter now? Can I reach out to him? Can I say happy birthday? I want to stalk him and his friends to see what he’s doing and with who. I want to cry but honestly tears don’t usually come but I need them too.
what was your daughter like right after? Did they talk at all? Do they now?
Ugh- she and I were planning a wedding- even know they are young. It was something we did. And it was fun. So much to say and so nice to have someone who understands.
thank you. Now back to sleep I hope.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

His mom was just starting to love her. His parents aren’t very nice. They aren’t nice to my daughter and they aren’t always so nice to their son. But the mom isn’t so bad and she was living my daughter. I’d love to talk to her. But she’s so erratic that I don’t dare because who knows what she’ll say or do. Being in quarantine makes it all easier and harder. It’s like living a fake reality and I don’t want the world to open up because then people will know and I don’t want anyone asking me. Now I avoid everyone cuz I don’t want them to ask.
it sure is nice to have four you and hear how you felt too. Because it sure does feel horrible and people think it’s crazy. But why? She asked me to live him! She showed him off and wanted to tend to his every need. And wanted me to do the same just as I do for her. So I did. It was easy. No I’m not allowed.
I feel terrible because the last time he and I spoke (on text) he was upset with me. And my daughter knew we spoke and got very upset with me. So I stopped and couldn’t even apologize or make sure he knows I am still here for him in live in general. I see the miscommunication between them. The misunderstandings are so frustrating. He told me she looks so happy on social media. I explained that that is a photo or a short video!!! My daughter has an amazing knack for pushing through and not wallowing . She won’t let herself get depressed. Good and bad I guess.
Oh man Coffeeluvr, how did you do this. When does it end. What’s your relationship like with him and your daughter now? Can I reach out to him? Can I say happy birthday? I want to stalk him and his friends to see what he’s doing and with who. I want to cry but honestly tears don’t usually come but I need them too.
what was your daughter like right after? Did they talk at all? Do they now?
Ugh- she and I were planning a wedding- even know they are young. It was something we did. And it was fun. So much to say and so nice to have someone who understands.
thank you. Now back to sleep I hope.

Hi and sorry for the delay - I didn’t see your post until today. I remember the no sleeping. That lasted 4 months for me. It was fight or flight all the time. Waiting for whatever drama would happen next, alternating with anxiety when nothing happened. My brain looped constantly trying to fix it- wondering what was the best thing to do - as if I could somehow get them to see how stupid they were being. And I couldn’t stand being anywhere near my daughter. I still struggle a little bit with that. There was a few times that I stood for hours outside her room in the middle of the night, just trying to grab her phone and see if they talked. Really crazy, obsessive stuff. I now realize that I was somewhat addicted to their relationship. Because she invited me into her relationship too much, and I didn’t keep the boundaries I could have (she, too, wanted him to be part of our family), I got a regular oxytocin hormone high from their relationship.
And I found out later that they had been talking much more than I knew throughout their breakup.
Why was yours (the boy) mad at you when you last texted? it was probably misplaced anger that he will feel badly about later.
It does help so so much to compare stories and know that you’re not alone.
And I do still miss them together. Every. Single. Day.
Honestly, what drives me to get through the days is to be the person I want him to be proud to know. That is what keeps me from being mad at how frustrated and sad I still am. And I am thankful that I can text him whenever I want now. We are friends again. And I know in my gut that he still loves my daughter. His fiancé is not his first choice. He wants a girl that is loyal and will follow him - he told my daughter that. And he has always wanted to marry young- and his sisters both got married this year. I know he’s being impulsive and foolish. And my daughter’s current boyfriend is a security blanket that she can control. It’s ridiculous and nauseating.
Please keep me updated -and just get through one minute at a time. And eat- my daughter and I both lost 10 lbs the week they broke up.
Coffeeluvr

 

[Loreli]

Hi and sorry for the delay - I didn’t see your post until today. I remember the no sleeping. That lasted 4 months for me. It was fight or flight all the time. Waiting for whatever drama would happen next, alternating with anxiety when nothing happened. My brain looped constantly trying to fix it- wondering what was the best thing to do - as if I could somehow get them to see how stupid they were being. And I couldn’t stand being anywhere near my daughter. I still struggle a little bit with that. There was a few times that I stood for hours outside her room in the middle of the night, just trying to grab her phone and see if they talked. Really crazy, obsessive stuff. I now realize that I was somewhat addicted to their relationship. Because she invited me into her relationship too much, and I didn’t keep the boundaries I could have (she, too, wanted him to be part of our family), I got a regular oxytocin hormone high from their relationship.
And I found out later that they had been talking much more than I knew throughout their breakup.
Why was yours (the boy) mad at you when you last texted? it was probably misplaced anger that he will feel badly about later.
It does help so so much to compare stories and know that you’re not alone.
And I do still miss them together. Every. Single. Day.
Honestly, what drives me to get through the days is to be the person I want him to be proud to know. That is what keeps me from being mad at how frustrated and sad I still am. And I am thankful that I can text him whenever I want now. We are friends again. And I know in my gut that he still loves my daughter. His fiancé is not his first choice. He wants a girl that is loyal and will follow him - he told my daughter that. And he has always wanted to marry young- and his sisters both got married this year. I know he’s being impulsive and foolish. And my daughter’s current boyfriend is a security blanket that she can control. It’s ridiculous and nauseating.
Please keep me updated -and just get through one minute at a time. And eat- my daughter and I both lost 10 lbs the week they broke up.
Coffeeluvr

Thank you again for following up. It is so comforting to read your posts. It validates my crazy crazy feelings.
he was mad at me because I texted him saying I got a text from an unknown person about him. He asked me what it said and I told him I wouldn’t talk about it over text. I asked him to meet me and he didn’t want to but was upset that I wouldn’t tell him what it said. I was trying to get him to confess to something but it didn’t work. He kept saying he hasn’t done anything wrong so he has no idea what it could say, etc.
I was clearly upsetting him and I didn’t mean too. I just wanted to know what he was up to. See, there had been a girl who was after him. She didn’t like my daughter and was always trying to wedge herself in between them to hurt my daughter. This boy is socially sort of oblivious. I’m actually not making excuses- he really is. He’s always been the kid that his friends coaxed into doing the stupid thing. My daughter and I often spoke about how he didn’t ‘get’ certain things. And we’ve wondered if it was a result of multiple sports concussions. So I believe 100% that he doesn’t understand this girl is a snake and is unkind. Any person who actively tries to destroy a happy couple isnt someone nice. So I’m sure once she got wind of their breakup she swarmed in like a flu to shit. And he is oblivious. I have a feeling . Just a feeling that someone told my daughter he slept with her. But I would be shocked if he did. Long story there....although I could see him being drunk and her taking advantage and kissing him. Oblivious as he is- I’m sure that would click as being not a good thing in my daughters eyes. Wouldn’t he have said that to me? Would he have been so adiment about how he hasn’t done anything wrong if he had? Wouldn’t he have just said like ‘we aren’t together...I can do what I want’ or something like that?
I can see him either ‘lying to the guys’ or just a mean girl trying to hurt my daughter and keep them apart by starting a rumor. The back story is that many girls are mean to my d. She’s very pretty, does modeling, and has had no trouble with boys liking her (although this guy was the first kiss, the first everything....for both of them). So the guys like her- then the girls that like them hate her. People think she is super confident and happy but she deals with a lot of hate. She was on a tv show playing a part that had some signs of romance in it (very small but it was seen by school mates) who blasted her for it.
min the end. I was sit them down and make them talk. I want her to ASK ABOUT THIS NAST GIRL!! But she won’t.At least I don’t think. She has too much pride, and probably doesn’t want him to know she cares.
I may be creating this thing in my head with this nasty girl but I dunno. My intuition has always been good. I want to stalk social media but I can’t really figure it out and I’m too scared of being caught. I just can’t help feeling like their love is so different. Their relationship has always been so much more mature than most their age. I just feel like their story isn’t over. But maybe I’m making myself think that. But I don’t think so.
I want to shake some sense into both of them! I want to yell at him and yell at her. And I can’t.He wished me a happy Mother’s Day and I could tell him- but it made my day. We had a VERY short dialogue after that. But I feel like anything I say he uses as an excuse to talk to my d so I can’t say much. I’ve lost her trust. And I want badley to regain it. So I’m not communicating with him. She knows he wished me a happy mf cuz I think he asked her first if it wa ok. She was sitting next to me and I felt like I better tell her cuz for all Iknew- she may have known so I didn’t with hold it. She dictated the minimal response I was ‘allowed’ to give. It hurt becauseI wanted to tell him how happy I was that he thought of me. That it made my day. That I missed him that I loved him and that I’ll always be his second mom. I guess for now I have to hope our relationship still says that to him. But I doubt it. I don’t know that he has much experience with living relationships other than those of my family.
I miss them. I miss planning her wedding. I miss ‘them’ and I miss him waltzing in and out of my house.
But hearing from you and your feelings and process...and your store is so healing and I’m so grateful for it.
btw...happy late Mother’s Day . I hope it was wonderful.

 

[Loreli]

Hi again coffeeluvr
I forgot to add to my big post above about your situation.... does your daughter talk to him? What are her thoughts about his engagement? I couldn’t imagine that. I don’t even want to think about it.
If your gut knows he loves her then I’m sure he does. I totally trust my maternal gut. I do stay mindful that I ‘could’ try to trick myself. But I know when it’s real.
Does she love him?
Looking forward to your reply

 

[skiesabove]

I'm grateful that I found this thread as I'm going through a similar situation.

I feel so silly. I actually can't believe I'm this upset about my daughter's breakup, the grief has completely caught me off guard, I should know better and be more in control of my emotions.

My daughter and her ex are only 17 and 18, they have only been together for a year. This was a long distance relationship, he lives 1500 miles away. During their relationship, they saw each other once a month approximately, sometimes every two weeks, and they Skyped every single night. In spite of it being long distance, we all grew very close. He flew here often and stayed with us for several days when he came to visit, so I cooked for him, we all spent time together as a family. He called me his second mom and was so kind to us, constantly thanking me for welcoming him into our home. They seemed very compatible personality-wise, had the same goals and values, were excellent friends, they are both excellent students, very focused, very mature for their age. They were head over heels in love. We called them the lovebirds, because they could not keep their eyes and hands off each other. He was a senior this year and he applied to a bunch of schools and several of them were close to us. One of these was his first choice school. They had made extensive plans to go to school, then move in together, and marry. She had told me she wanted him to be the father of her babies and because she’s always been mature I took her seriously. She was constantly talking about their future plans and their wedding.

Long story short, everything started falling apart about a month ago. Even though he wanted to accept an offer to his top choice college, which is close to us, his mom basically told him she would not help financially if he came to school here because of a girlfriend, and he was forced to choose a school really far away. My daughter started wondering if his mom was going to always be that manipulative.

Then, with all the stress of fighting with his mom, and selecting the college he did not want to go to, he started getting depressed and needy with my daughter. He was giving her guilt trips almost daily if she needed to take a night off from Skyping to watch a movie, and even because she couldn’t talk during the week of her finals. He became demanding and untrusting of her time, they haven't seen each other for the past two months, and I think the long distance and the situation became too much for her, and she finally broke up with him yesterday after a rough few weeks.

I should have known better than to get attached. Kids of this age change their minds too quickly, but because they truly seemed perfect for each other, I got wrapped up in their dreams for the future, and I fell in love. He was like my son and he called me second mama. He texted me today a really long text, thanking us for everything and telling us how much he will always love her and miss us. She is not too devastated, I guess, because she was angry about his behavior this past month. She says she loves him, but that she needs someone who is stronger, who can make his own decisions, who can respect her independence, and her space. She says she wants to not date for a couple of years and focus only on getting into the school of her dreams and spending time with her friends. She said they need to do more growing before being in serious relationships and she's right. She asked him to stop the needy behavior several times and he didn't, so she feels she gave him a chance to fix it. I understand her 100%. She is right, but I'm still hurting, I feel like I lost a son. I'm actually feeling grief, heart pain, crying suddenly, sleeplessness, etc.

I know I have to put these feelings aside or my daughter will get resentful of me, she is already wondering why I am so sad and why I’m so affected. We have an extremely close relationship, she is an incredible person, and I need to trust her. I need to be there for her but I'm having a hard time swallowing these feelings, they have completely caught me off guard. She doesn't seem sad but is trying really hard to make herself busy, looking for a new Summer job, making plans, I think she is avoiding feeling anything at all and I worry that it's all going to hit her soon and she is going to be miserable and regret the break up. She told me today that she is no longer applying to the school he is going to be attending. She does not want to go there at all. That should make me happy, as she wants to stay close to us and not go far away, but I’m
still sad.

I keep telling myself that she's smart and knows what she's doing and I need to trust her, but I'm in pain!

 

[Loreli]

I'm grateful that I found this thread as I'm going through a similar situation.

I feel so silly. I actually can't believe I'm this upset about my daughter's breakup, the grief has completely caught me off guard, I should know better and be more in control of my emotions.

My daughter and her ex are only 17 and 18, they have only been together for a year. This was a long distance relationship, he lives 1500 miles away. During their relationship, they saw each other once a month approximately, sometimes every two weeks, and they Skyped every single night. In spite of it being long distance, we all grew very close. He flew here often and stayed with us for several days when he came to visit, so I cooked for him, we all spent time together as a family. He called me his second mom and was so kind to us, constantly thanking me for welcoming him into our home. They seemed very compatible personality-wise, had the same goals and values, were excellent friends, they are both excellent students, very focused, very mature for their age. They were head over heels in love. We called them the lovebirds, because they could not keep their eyes and hands off each other. He was a senior this year and he applied to a bunch of schools and several of them were close to us. One of these was his first choice school. They had made extensive plans to go to school, then move in together, and marry. She had told me she wanted him to be the father of her babies and because she’s always been mature I took her seriously. She was constantly talking about their future plans and their wedding.

Long story short, everything started falling apart about a month ago. Even though he wanted to accept an offer to his top choice college, which is close to us, his mom basically told him she would not help financially if he came to school here because of a girlfriend, and he was forced to choose a school really far away. My daughter started wondering if his mom was going to always be that manipulative.

Then, with all the stress of fighting with his mom, and selecting the college he did not want to go to, he started getting depressed and needy with my daughter. He was giving her guilt trips almost daily if she needed to take a night off from Skyping to watch a movie, and even because she couldn’t talk during the week of her finals. He became demanding and untrusting of her time, they haven't seen each other for the past two months, and I think the long distance and the situation became too much for her, and she finally broke up with him yesterday after a rough few weeks.

I should have known better than to get attached. Kids of this age change their minds too quickly, but because they truly seemed perfect for each other, I got wrapped up in their dreams for the future, and I fell in love. He was like my son and he called me second mama. He texted me today a really long text, thanking us for everything and telling us how much he will always love her and miss us. She is not too devastated, I guess, because she was angry about his behavior this past month. She says she loves him, but that she needs someone who is stronger, who can make his own decisions, who can respect her independence, and her space. She says she wants to not date for a couple of years and focus only on getting into the school of her dreams and spending time with her friends. She said they need to do more growing before being in serious relationships and she's right. She asked him to stop the needy behavior several times and he didn't, so she feels she gave him a chance to fix it. I understand her 100%. She is right, but I'm still hurting, I feel like I lost a son. I'm actually feeling grief, heart pain, crying suddenly, sleeplessness, etc.

I know I have to put these feelings aside or my daughter will get resentful of me, she is already wondering why I am so sad and why I’m so affected. We have an extremely close relationship, she is an incredible person, and I need to trust her. I need to be there for her but I'm having a hard time swallowing these feelings, they have completely caught me off guard. She doesn't seem sad but is trying really hard to make herself busy, looking for a new Summer job, making plans, I think she is avoiding feeling anything at all and I worry that it's all going to hit her soon and she is going to be miserable and regret the break up. She told me today that she is no longer applying to the school he is going to be attending. She does not want to go there at all. That should make me happy, as she wants to stay close to us and not go far away, but I’m
still sad.

I keep telling myself that she's smart and knows what she's doing and I need to trust her, but I'm in pain!

Hi!!!! @skiesabove . I haven’t read your post yet but I’m sooo happy to see it. This sounds stupid but I cannot read it til evening because It’s too early in the day for me to cry and be sad. But my evening activity will be to read and respond and hopefully have a dialogue with you. I’m a mess and a so sad. And I’d love to offer what support I can to you. Talk to you this eve! We’ll get through it. But damn does it SUCK!!

 

[Loreli]

Hi!!!! @skiesabove . I haven’t read your post yet but I’m sooo happy to see it. This sounds stupid but I cannot read it til evening because It’s too early in the day for me to cry and be sad. But my evening activity will be to read and respond and hopefully have a dialogue with you. I’m a mess and a so sad. And I’d love to offer what support I can to you. Talk to you this eve! We’ll get through it. But damn does it SUCK!!

I totally understand. It’s amazing how much this hurts. And I get it...I can’t say anything cu people will think your crazy. But I’m learning we are not alone. I guess it’s good we have strong independent daughters. I know the feeling of him being a son. I am still so attached. Well I’m glad you found this forum as I did not long ago. Let me know how your doing.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi to both of you. I also have to be in a good emotional state to write, or I fall into the rabbit hole of anger, frustration, and crying.
It was three years after the breakup that he told my daughter he still loved her. Twice- I've seen the texts. She told him she loved him, too. But not with the romantic enthusiasm he may have been looking for. It was when he was about 2 months into dating the girl who is now his fiancé. A year ago he told me first that he was going to ask this girl. We were having lunch while he was back in town. He gave me rationales; she's interested in the same career I am, our friends had a baby and it was cute, got a great deal on the ring, my daughter had changed. He never once told me anything great about his girlfriend. And that while his mom likes this one, she misses my daughter. And that he and his mom were talking about how smart my daughter is.
My daughter had gone through a literal nervous breakdown about 6 months prior to his telling me all that stuff. And he had listened to her while she was sick. I did tell him she was much better.
And, yeah. It still really hurts. Five years after they broke up. We text every month or so. Last year he was the first one to text me on Mother's Day. This year - nothing. I miss THEM all the time.
A similar thread to our stories seems to be that we perceived their relationships as more mature , our daughters ended it and the guy was really hurt, and (according to the therapists I saw) boundaries were crossed.
After I recovered from that first year of serious grieving, I decided to strive to make choices to be the person he would be proud to have as his second mom. Since I'm lucky enough to still be in contact with him, I use that gratitude to push me out of the hopelessness, anger and sadness that still hovers.
Lorelei- after they broke up- my daughter jumped onto a guy she had ready. That was awful.
And I told her about the engagement plans. She said, " Really. Well, he always wanted to get married young and this girlfriend is just like his sisters."
I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for their respective bubbles to pop on what they think they want right now. And by staying in touch with him, I can somehow be a conduit to bring them back together.
I don't tell my daughter when I talk to him. And he asks about my daughter, I don't bring her up.
Please keep writing - it helps so much not to go through this alone. I don't talk to my friends about it anymore- I don't want their sympathy.
I also believe that my instincts are correct, and I no longer need validation from others about it. I guess that's called faith.
Take care and I look forward to your updates,
Coffeeluvr

 

[Loreli]

Hi to both of you. I also have to be in a good emotional state to write, or I fall into the rabbit hole of anger, frustration, and crying.
It was three years after the breakup that he told my daughter he still loved her. Twice- I've seen the texts. She told him she loved him, too. But not with the romantic enthusiasm he may have been looking for. It was when he was about 2 months into dating the girl who is now his fiancé. A year ago he told me first that he was going to ask this girl. We were having lunch while he was back in town. He gave me rationales; she's interested in the same career I am, our friends had a baby and it was cute, got a great deal on the ring, my daughter had changed. He never once told me anything great about his girlfriend. And that while his mom likes this one, she misses my daughter. And that he and his mom were talking about how smart my daughter is.
My daughter had gone through a literal nervous breakdown about 6 months prior to his telling me all that stuff. And he had listened to her while she was sick. I did tell him she was much better.
And, yeah. It still really hurts. Five years after they broke up. We text every month or so. Last year he was the first one to text me on Mother's Day. This year - nothing. I miss THEM all the time.
A similar thread to our stories seems to be that we perceived their relationships as more mature , our daughters ended it and the guy was really hurt, and (according to the therapists I saw) boundaries were crossed.
After I recovered from that first year of serious grieving, I decided to strive to make choices to be the person he would be proud to have as his second mom. Since I'm lucky enough to still be in contact with him, I use that gratitude to push me out of the hopelessness, anger and sadness that still hovers.
Lorelei- after they broke up- my daughter jumped onto a guy she had ready. That was awful.
And I told her about the engagement plans. She said, " Really. Well, he always wanted to get married young and this girlfriend is just like his sisters."
I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for their respective bubbles to pop on what they think they want right now. And by staying in touch with him, I can somehow be a conduit to bring them back together.
I don't tell my daughter when I talk to him. And he asks about my daughter, I don't bring her up.
Please keep writing - it helps so much not to go through this alone. I don't talk to my friends about it anymore- I don't want their sympathy.
I also believe that my instincts are correct, and I no longer need validation from others about it. I guess that's called faith.
Take care and I look forward to your updates,
Coffeeluvr

It’s always so great to see you’ve posted Coffeeluvr. I cannot imagine if he were engaged. You must be flipping out!! It seems so clear that the fiancé is a filler and is thought of as second (to your daughter). What an awful thing to watch. Doesn’t seem like it will last. Do you think your daughter is genuinely ok with this marriage?
you are right when said a common thread was the maturity of their relationship. It was amazing. They were wonderful in all kinds of situations: they could go to a party, or on a picnic or to a family gathering.
what I think is happening now is that this boys friends are trashing my daughter. Accusing her of being with other guys (they were each others first) which is not true. They are being the kind of mean that could cause someone to really go crazy or hurt themselves. It’s scary. My d will get through it. She has a good support system. U like him who only has a group of not nice friends that cause trouble. And the biggest fault of this guy is that it doesn’t seem he tells them to stop. At least not with enough umph that they listen. He is ruining any shot at working things out at this point. I still think they’ll work it out in the future but he’s blowing it big time for now.
I’ve had no contact at my daughters request. I miss him dearly. But if I reach out he tells her and my d gets angry at me. It makes me sad for so many reasons. I love that your daughters bf reaches out to you years later! You must sill be an important part of his life. I guess it also keeps him feeling close to your d.
you mean ruined not talking to your friends I don’t talk to my friends about this. She hasn’t told people about it so I can’t. But I also just don’t want to. Somehow, it makes me feel like a failure. Sounds stupid. But I’ve thought about it a lot. And feeling like a failure is a big feeling I have next to complete sadness. I also don’t think they’ll understand.

 

[skiesabove]

It still really hurts. Five years after they broke up. We text every month or so. Last year he was the first one to text me on Mother's Day. This year - nothing. I miss THEM all the time.
A similar thread to our stories seems to be that we perceived their relationships as more mature , our daughters ended it and the guy was really hurt, and (according to the therapists I saw) boundaries were crossed.
I also believe that my instincts are correct, and I no longer need validation from others about it. I guess that's called faith.
Take care and I look forward to your updates,
Coffeeluvr

you are right when said a common thread was the maturity of their relationship. It was amazing. They were wonderful in all kinds of situations: they could go to a party, or on a picnic or to a family gathering.
I’ve had no contact at my daughters request. I miss him dearly. But if I reach out he tells her and my d gets angry at me. It makes me sad for so many reasons. I love that your daughters bf reaches out to you years later! You must sill be an important part of his life. I guess it also keeps him feeling close to your d.

Thank you both for replying and sharing your stories. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Coffeluvr, it hasn't even been a week since my D's breakup, I can't even imagine how you must feel after five years of going through this. I'm so sorry. I completely know what you mean when you say you "miss THEM". I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and I've come to a lot of realizations. One of the many reasons I got so wrapped up in the relationship is that I feel that he saw her for the wonderful person she is, he really knew her, and appreciated her all her qualities, and he was very consistent in expressing this admiration to her, and to me. I want that for my D in a partner.

Loreli, the maturity in my case was evident in the way they communicated and respected each other. They also pushed each other in their schoolwork, studied together, and encouraged each other to pursue goals outside of the relationship. They are actually very similar people. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to have contact, it must be really difficult, and I can relate, it's hard to feel as if you have a child of your own out there, and you don't know what's going on with his life.

As I mentioned, I've been doing a lot of thinking in these past few days, trying to come to peace with this, trying to understand why I feel this way, and what to do going forward. While I'm still sad and grieving, I'm not as broken-hearted anymore.

I love my girls with all my heart, but before they were born, for some reason I pictured myself having a boy. Then when I had the girls and I couldn't have any more babies, I told myself, no problem, their significant others will be my boys. That's problem #1, I have expectations. Our family is very close knit and I always told them growing up to chose well because their spouses would be part of our family. Then when this boy showed up, he was so warm, kind, and thought my daughter was the best thing in the world. And they were in love and so respectful to each other, and making plans to go to the same school, marriage, babies. I wasn't necessarily ready for all of that, but I thought, she could be that kind of person, who meets their match early on, and stays with that person for a lifetime, she has that kind of personality. I let myself go along with their plans, telling myself it's ok, I accepted it, and then I started getting excited with her.

As far as crossing boundaries, I'm not sure. If there were any I think they needed to be crossed. I have given her the space and freedom to make all decisions for herself during the relationship, never told her what to do. Because of her age and this being her first relationship, and being long distance, I did have more discussions than a mother of an older child would have, giving her the tools and asking questions to help her think before acting. Towards the end of the relationship, she became closer to us. She has told me a few times in the past month how appreciative she is of having us as parents, after seeing the way his mom treated him, and another friend's parents treat her friend.

Although the first two days I did talk to her about the breakup, and if she was sure, etc, I have now dropped the subject. I told her in the last conversation that I trust her, and my loyalty lies with her. I did respond to his one very sweet text the day after the breakup. I told him that I was praying for him to be happy, and that he'll always have a friend in me if needed, and that I was proud of them for handling it so maturely. He didn't answer after that and I'm going to leave it be. I will continue praying/ quietly sending him good wishes. He still has me in all his social media, Instagram, FB. He deleted all pics of him and D, and I was sad about that, but I know it's because he needs to take action to separate himself and heal. I know soon there will be pics of him with another girl, because he had some events coming up at the end of Summer that D was supposed to attend, he'll find another date for those, so I'm preparing myself. D has not deleted any pics or changed anything at all. Her default photo is still of them together. She has no plans of dating for the time being so I guess she's in no rush to make herself look single in social media, just wants to focus on getting to college, her job, etc. which is very admirable.

I have so many pictures and videos of them together on my phone. In many of them they are looking into each other's eyes with so much love and appreciation! In others they are just having fun and laughing while dancing. What they felt is very palpable in those photos. I have gone through them once.

Some well meaning friends have told me to keep the boyfriends at a distance in the future but that's just not who I am. At the risk of being heart broken over and over, I know I will welcome whomever they bring home with open arms and lots of love. I have turned to praying and sending out good thoughts. I want to imagine her happy and with the love of her life, whether it's him or another young man. I truly wish them both the best happiness in love.