Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

[chickensducks&agoose]

my friend's husband is a veteran... not sure that's an excuse though.

 

[Rare Feathers Farm]

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LOL

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

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[PepsNick]

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x4!!

 

[verthandi]

She told me last night that before the homecoming dance, they got into an argument. They started playfully wrestling and it quickly turned into fighting for real.

I didn't have to read any more than these two sentences and your thread title. Get her out of there, please.

 

[ams3651]

Without going into detail I would suggest that maybe he has a mental health issue such as being Bi Polar, etc. Going that extra step and not letting go is an indicator and if thats the case it will just get worse and could evolve into black outs where he does things and doesnt remember doing them.

just to add, the person I am referring too started out fighting in his sleep and being "a little rough" and ended up many years later blacking out when in rages. When the problem was finally discovered medication helped greatly.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

You need to call the police and you need to call her father. Not sure which order, but don't let dad convince you to not call the police. Since this was also at or before a school event, you need to call the school and speak to the principal as well.

It might be considered poor judgement and accidental if they got to roughhousing she was accidentally hurt--in that case I would have expected that he would have immediately pulled back and started checking to see that she was okay, and been profusely apologising. This is very much not the case; he had her in a chokehold and was squeezing the life from her. That he had 2nd thoughts and stopped does not alter what he deliberately did. There are many people who have personal and family issues and do not choose to attack someone, especially someone they profess to care for. I would bet that there is abuse of one sort or another in his home.

Your daughter needs to know that it is NEVER okay for someone to hurt her. SHE needs counseling to reinforce that abuse is NEVER okay. AND she needs training in how to fight off an attacker; this is not quite the same as martial arts training, most of which is honerable competition and discipline. She needs to know how to do whatever it takes to get out of the control of someone larger and stronger than she, and bedamned if the method she uses is honerable or not.

 

[TigerLilly]

She needs to be made to understand that she could've DIED that night. Forcing her to stop seeing him may not work unless she understands the ramifications. How is her self-esteem? Does she think he is her whole world & she needs him? Has he alienated her friends to the point she has none? Is he more than jealous over seemingly 'little' things?
If you think the answers to ANY of these are yes, don't wait until it's too late to do something about it. Now is the time to avoid regrets that you could have later...abuse is never ok & often leads to death.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

While she is still a minor you have a great deal more say than if you wait until later when she is a legal adult. Right now YOU (and dad) can make the decisions, regardless of what she thinks. Later, you cannot. This does not mean that you should ignore her opinions, but you need to do two seemlingly incompatible things--make sure she understands that you are on her side and are there for her and are to be trusted, and also protect her whether she likes it or not.

 

[Whispering Winds]

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Ok first, I've worked with abused women/mentally ill/ and forensic clients. When people demonstrate these aggressive-failure to yield behaviors it is often indicative of a controlling personality. I am not saying this is always the case but it usually starts small and often disintigrates into other forms or more serious abuse issues. If she really wants to be with this guy he needs counceling, NOW, before this gets anymore out of control. You should not and I repeat NOT alienate her, as she needs to know she can turn to you if she stays with him and things get worse. Please reiterate to her that love means NOT hurting people you claim that you love. People rarely change even with counceling especially if they do not perceive themselves as having a "problem".

PS: I play World of Warcraft. Have for years and never choked anyone in my life. Don't believe everything you read or see on TV there are not significant studies that actually prove Warcraft or other first shooters lead to violent behaviors. If a person that plays those games is violent, then it is inherent in their personalities due to nature/nurture not pixels on a screen.

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