Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

[ranchhand]

Quote:
Please READ the original post before responding. Never says she actually passed out, she lives with her father, she and the boyfriend decided they would never do that again.

As such, I favor a joint meeting with both children and all parents involved. Calling the police in without hearing the kids stories and the parents weighing in means one thing. Permanent police records.


Kids do stupid things. I know, I used to be one. And I dated a bunch of them. Thank goodness the parents stepped in before calling the cops.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
I certainly wish the best for everyone. I think the boy should know that choking/strangling can kill a person up to 4 days later, not just at that moment. Depending on the severity of the choke, the throat can swell for up to 4 days, and can kill a person, because the swelling closes off the airway. There have been people that have died from choking days later.

Living with a Mother that has worked with the Crisis Center for almost 20 years now, I do not take things too lightly.

It's a little hard for me to put my son on the chopping block here, but I think that you should know............ My son for the most part is a very quite, shy kid! Don't let those types of kids fool you. My son is explosive when aggitated and it does not take much at all to make him explode. He has just been diagnosed with A-typical Bipolar, Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Depression..... on top of ADHD. People like my son, have to learn control, because that part of thier brain doesn't function properly. His therapist said that he could serious hurt someone before he realizes it, and then it's too late. People like my son, want to hurt people when they are aggitated.

My son is very pleasant to be around and he is a very loving child. But, anything can set him off. Just a simple look that he thinks is displeasing can make him angry.

He use to play WOW, but I have chosen to take those games away from him. A normal person can play those games without wanting to act out, however, although my son loves those games, they make him very aggitated and very angry and hard to deal with. They affect him that way because his brain isn't functionally properly.

What I am trying to say is, that if you met my son, you would think that he a normal boy and very sweet and kind. People with these illnesses are very deceiving and manipulative.

Don't overlook the obvious! Something inside made this boy hurt your daughter. That's not normal behavior. Sure, he want's to tell his side of the story. He wants to make you think that is was all in fun, but I'm sorry I'm just not feeling that.

 

[Mattemma]

My mom and one of my friends chose partners who abused them.My mom got away after 10 years.For my friend it probably took 15.Unfortunately my friend became ill soon after the divorce(COPD),and her life has been horrid.She had been in the military when they met.How different their lives would have been if they both would have married other men(or stayed single). My husband has never touched me or yelled at me.Given what I have seen with my friends I would not hesitate to disappear from his life if he chose to do that to me.

I am sorry she is going through this.That you all are. Best wishes whatever she decides. If you can, always keep the door open for her.To many times family cuts off the person if they refuse to leave the partner;then when they are finally ready there is no one to help. And leaving is just the beginning.People who abuse will turn on family and friends who have *caused* the loss.They never accept that it was THEIR fault.

I am interested to hear what the boyfriends *side* of the story is.If he admits he went way beyond what was acceptable and takes all the blame...another chance(but only one).If he tries to excuse it and put partial blame on your dd then you can expect worse to come for sure! He was the one who choked dd till she passed out.I don't care what she did up till that point.

 

[Mattemma]

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I thought tapped out meant passed out?

I wouldn't call the police but would be concerned of escalating situations.I have heard of the choking game that *kids* are playing with each other and some kids have died.I would not blow it off as kids will be kids doing stupid stuff.Sometimes we are lucky to have survived some of these situations we got into as children.If you can avoid them you are better off!

 

[onthespot]

tapping out is patting (tapping) the other person with your fingertips, anywhere you can reach them, a universal signal of wrestlers to quit, that they feel they are in trouble and can't get out and will get hurt if the hold continues. The other person is supposed to stop IMMEDIATLY if not sooner if someone taps out.

 

[NikkiLeV]

Well if it happened to my daughter I would find the boy and choke him so I agree you should call the police and press charges. Im sure she loves him since they have been together but it is not worth it.

 

[ruth]

Quote:
So how did the talk go???? Are you still thrilled, did it go well, do you still feel a lot better about your daughter's safety?

 

[PineappleMama]

My SIL says that when her and BIL first dated/married they'd wrestle but that there were times that BOTH would get too competitive/take it too serious and so they stopped altogether before anyone got hurt.

So, I know of at least one case, similar, where no harm was meant, and since no harm has been done.

But I also know of many more cases where harm was meant and the 'game' was just an excuse to cause harm. Like "oh I didn't know you were behind me when I swung my arm around, I'm so sorry" has been used on many occasions. It's easy to believe that it really was an accident. And if it only happens once then it probably was. But if it happens a second time then it wasn't. You may feel foolish for believing the lie, but it's infinitely better than staying in a relationship and getting the tar beaten out of you/killed. Unfortunately when love is involved it's not black and white, even when there are facts to go by. Humans are notoriously gray.

I don't know the people, and even if I did I can't say I know everything about anyone but myself (and even then...) so I would hate to assume that he's really a vicious person and be wrong, but likewise I'm entirely too paranoid not to think the thought. If I were in your shoes I'd make sure the lines of communication are 100% open (already doing that) and I would pass along the old adage. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

There's nothing wrong with thinking the best of someone until they're shown to be otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty, etc. So forgiving one time when both people got out of hand... okay... I can 100% understand that. But if it happens again, In Any Form, and you buy the 'accident' line then it's on you for allowing yourself to be duped.

I hope like hades that it doesn't get to that point because that's often when the victim starts feeling stupid and ashamed and tends to withdraw from their support system... in embarrassment if nothing else... which of course only makes it easier for the abuser to continue and even escalate the abuse. So, no matter what she says/does ALWAYS keep those lines open. Make sure she knows that you, and other family too, are behind her No Matter What... no matter what mistakes people make they're still loved and welcomed by their family... so IF it ever gets to that point she won't hesitate due to shame/etc to come talk to you or SOMEONE.

And, you have to understand that she's got to come to that decision, IF it's needed. As I said I wasn't there, don't know them, etc. So I can't say with certainty. But IF he is a psycho that something she's got to be WILLING to see... there's a reason people say love is blind... she has to choose to open her eyes. Once she does, then she'll make her choice, but if she refuses to see there isn't anything you can do but be there when the blinders come off.

for all of you. I'm hoping that it's just a thing like SIL/BIL... two competitive people getting out of hand, both take their portion of blame and for the good of all lay off and live happily ever after... but best to be prepared...

 

[Knight Hawk Ranch]

My first Husband was rather large linebacker type..6ft 2 and about 240 lbs of pure muscle. He was also VERY aware of his strength.

When he was 17, he was attacked by a military man who was AOL and drunk. He ended up breaking this guys neck (by accident, the guy landed on a parking curb).

Needless to say, when hubby number one and I were dating and early in a marriage, we wrestled and played alot. He NEVER ONCE hurt me or a hair on my head or put me in a position that I felt 'scared he might'.

We were both raised that a man did not raise a hand to a woman in anger or there would be consequences to be paid for by the womans male family (dad and/or brothers).

I hope your daughter is not in danger and that this was an accident. However, this boy needs to rethink how he handles a potential mate.

I know if something like this happened with my daughter or if it had happened to me, there would be a slappdown on the offender.

 

[Kasia]

Is the boyfriend over 18? He can be charges as an adult. Her making excuses for him is worrysome. I have been a victim of severe domestic violence, and he was charismatic, apologetic, and made me believe that it was MY fault. And I always blamed it on myself. He was a drunk and when he came home, he would beat me so bad, and kick me and the kids out so I had to sleep in my car. One time I went to get some formula for the baby and wasn't back in 5 minutes, he pinned me against the wall and started choking me with this wicked grin on his face. He was going to kill me! I had my car keys in my hand and I stabbed him in the arm so hard, the keys went all the way down to his bone. Then I called the police. The police came and said that if they take him to jail, they'll have to take me too because I fought back. I went to meetings and couseling at a local battered women's shelter. I was so scared to get away, because he said he knew a lot of people and would find me and kill me.

A year later, he came home drunk and made a late night phone call from the living room. I heard him say "baby" and "sweetie" so I picked up the extension in the bedroom thinking he was talking to his girlfriend. But it was his sister, and she was asking him how much life insurance he had on me. She said he could bring me to their property in the woods, do me in and shove me in the lake, and he would have money and the kids.

I was gone the next day.

This is NOT a game, what will happen next time? What if NEXT time she REALLY gets him mad and he chokes her longer?