DD getting divorced, need opinions

[twentynine]

What I was trying to say in my earlier post--------

The court is not going to allow anyone to just "give up". Or better yet the court is not going to allow the father of the child to "give up" the responsibility for that child.

Look at it this way, everyday the court sees hundreds of children that have no safe place, no mother, no father, and the best that can be done for the child is a foster home. The court is not going to allow a living, breathing father to walk away.

I have to add I am not in anyway insulting, degrading, or minimizing all the work, love and care foster parents do, without them, Lord only knows where some of these children would be.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

State laws differ, and there are indeed cases where a parent can voluntarly relinquish all rights to the other parent. You need to check your laws to see whether it is allowed n your state, and any consequences pertaining to it. As was also suggested, a slightly different option is to sue for full custody and him having no visitation rights. If both parties agree on the amount of child support, the court will likely award it. However, if your daughter ever goes on welfare, the state will likely want to modify child support of $0 to whatever fits their mathematical formula for determining the amount.

About the only thing you as the grandparent can insist on without alienating your daughter is that you are going to give her the emotional support she needs. Ask her to look at all the options and think about both short term and long term consequences for each different choice. If she wants your opinion, feel free to give it, but make sure to phrase it as what you would do, or how you see it as giving her most of whatever she says she wants, not as what she should do. Semantics are a huge deal. How you say something is as important as saying it at all.

Make sure to treat your daughter as a competant adult, making her own decisions and mistakes, not a child you make decisions for. Make sure she takes responsibility for mothering her baby, with a goal of her becoming an independant self-supporting adult. Obviously not short term, but long term, that should be the goal.

 

[maple]

I just wanted to add....as for my own experiance....

In applying for medicaid and food stamps the form asks you for money coming in...this includes any child support payment coming in and then you must supply a copy of the order of the amount or the monthly paystub...then it is figured in to how much they allow for assistance...it has no negative impact, bearing in mind the people filing have a limited budget as it is...for me it's the only money coming in...I qualify for the medical and food stamps. Nothing had to be figured to 0.

If a father gives up his rights to a child, then I would find it hard to believe they would still take responsibilty to paying support for the child...especially if he thinks the child is not his. I would be hard pressed to imagine if a father pays for a child that he'll say..ok, I'll pay for this child I don't believe is mine and expect no relationship or some sort of visitation with this child. If he really doesn't believe it's his child then perhaps a test should be done to figure paternity...just for the sake of putting that argument to rest. But if he married her and bore the child and has his name on the child's birth certificate...then he's financially responsible for this child whether he fesses up to it or not and where he wants to be a part of this child's life or not. The court will not allow for dead beat dads but it's a fight...it's always a fight. There never is a right or wrong answer.... each case is unique to it's own set of circumstances. And no matter what...it's never easy to go through.

My x....was essentially abandoned by his father. Later his mother wanted to marry someone and wanted this person to be the "guardian" of the 2 bio children to this other father. So they had to hunt him down and he ran off...but finally went to the court house and singed the papers giving up his rights. Once he did that he was no longer paying any form of support...he just up and walked away and that was that.

 

[key west chick]

Well, she is at her appointment now, Im hoping for some promising news. She and I are very close. when she asks for my opinion, I give it to here. Her dad and I are supporting her in anyway she chooses. She is the one asking me about what I think of soon to be ex giving up his rights. Right now, she doesnt want their son anywhere near this guy. We went up to get some of her stuff yesterday and there was some ummm, "herbs" on the counter. Granted, in a few years this guy may clean up and want a second chance. And she says he can if he proves it. She just doesnt want to be forced into letting this child go stay with him until he can be clean. What she really wants is him to sign over rights and not have anything to do with the baby or her. Even if that means no child support or anything. She found out yesterday that he had cancelled her car insurance right after he kicked her out so shes been driving with no insurance for a week. I bought her 6 months worth, that was all I can afford. Someone peed in her panty drawer at their house so she had to throw all of them away. There apparently was a huge party there over the weekend so it could have been anybody. She already is on medicaid since he didnt have a job for most of their marriage. She keeps telling me she knows there will be someone out there that will love her and the baby like his own and she doesnt need this jerk in either one of their lives.

 

[maple]

I've been out of town for a few days dealing with my own visitation issues....very heavy on the heart.

I know you are her mom and this child's grandmom and I know you only want whats best for her and the baby. That in itself is what love is all about.

I wonder how the apt. went for your daughter... I hope she got some encouraging news.

I'm thinking if the father of the child really does want to relinquish his rights...that will be up to him...all you can do if that is your daughter's desire is to pray earnestly that he doesn't change his mind at the last minute...because if you don't mentally prepare yourselves for all posibilites than the harder it is to cope with all of this judicial stuff and all the inner workings of divorce and the handling of the child's best interest. I have been put through the ringer myself. I can't speak right now on everything but my heart is very very heavy and my children have been court issued to spend 42 days with their father who abandoned them at 8 months and 5 yrs and they are 5 and 9 and have barely had a chance to form a trusting bond with him...though I have my serious doubts on his trust-worthyness. There are sooo many stories I could share and I don't understand the court procedures and I've already gotten rid of my first lawyer that seemed like he wasn't fighting for me and I"m trying to trust this other lawyer and understand her advice to me but it is painful....very very painful because of the person he is and how he has everyone fooled and I'm scared and feel it's just a matter of time before they all get it and see the person I've been tormented by for the last 10 years and it's gut wrenching and I couldn't describe the pain. I'm trying to be optimistic...trying to see the silver lining...but it doesn't take away the fear and the uncertainty of this man's behavoir. All I can be hopeful of is that his new girlfriend isn't a wack job behind closed doors and she seems nice so like I said, I just hope my little girls who are now 1000 miles away this very night are safe and sound and being treated with respect and love.


I feel like he'll be on his best behavior right now but it's when the girlfriend realizes he's bat poop crazy and leaves him...then the visits after that.... but I didn't even want to have them have unsupervised visits or go out of state or go away for a week let alone for 42 days....but it's in the cards...it's what the judge decided since we couldn't agree on anything in mediation and he's playing the "getting deployed" card....I just don't get why he walked away from his son---whom he had before he met me...and why he's doing this song and dance after 2 years of no contact at all? Well....yes I do...it's because the girlfriend is in the pic and he's doing to her what he did with me and his son. He acts like a victim...who donated his genetics...and was taken advantage of....but now since I got to know his son's mom...I know the real story. He abused her as he abused me....I just wish he would go away.

I'm sorry for all that you and your daughter will face in the near and distant future and I hope things turn out well for each of you and well, as long as we are hoping...I hope that boy does get his life turned around for the best...if not for or because of his child but for himself and his own well being. I can't help but feel when people are hooked on drugs or alcohol...they are inside hurting for some reason or another and need help to cope with thier issues.

 

[#1California Chick]

I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through these difficult times. I can understand how everyone is very hurt by the failed relationships and want to strike back and/or cut off contact.

However, I would like to ask you to think about your grandson and what he might want in 16 or 18 years.

I have three adopted daughters (now in their 20s) who were adopted at birth. I always believed (and still do!!) and told the birth families that I would welcome contact because "You can NEVER have TOO many people who love you"!!! In all three cases, the birth Moms stayed in contact for a couple of years and then dropped off as they got married and had other children.

Are there grandparents or other relatives on the Dad's side that might be interested in staying in contact with your grandson?

When my oldest daughter (DD#1) turned 21, her birth father contacted her through MySpace and then told her where she could contact her birth mother. The first meetings were a little rocky, but they have since built good relationships and she is also close to some of her half-siblings. When my younger daughters turned 18, I gave them info that would allow them to contact their birth mothers. In one case, DD#2 has also built a strong relationship with her birth Dad, despite some objection from her birth Mom (not so strong with her birth Mom - who was pretty straight early on, but has become pretty flakey in recent years). In the second case (DD#3), her birth Dad had died some years previously. (Even though her birth Mom tells her that he was not a good person, I think that my DD struggles with not knowing him to make her own opinion).

For my oldest daughter (1984), birth Dads had no rights and were not consulted on the adoption. For the younger two (four years later), birth Dads as well as Moms had to sign off their rights (although in one case, we know that the birth Mom lied about the birth Dad and had a buddy sign off).

In all three cases, it has been very important for my daughters to meet family members "who look like them and share various traits". Also, meeting half-siblings and other "real" relatives has been very valuable. As they got older, they all had a VERY strong NEED to know and know about their birth families. Good, bad or indifferent.

My point: Be careful about decisions that you are making in your grandson's name. He may not agree when he gets older. From where I sit, I would suggest that your daughter ask for 100% custody and limited or no vistation by the father. This could always be modified in the future if he turned his life around. I also would not cut off the right for CS, whether or not you ever collect anything. If the Birth Dad should die prematurely, your grandson can collect Social Security until age 18 (or longer if he is a student - HS or college).

I hope that this alternate perspective is helpful!

Cindy

 

[key west chick]

Things went pretty well. The descisions she is making are her own, she just asks for my opinion so I give it to her. Im in no way trying to tell her what to do, just being supportive on whatever she chooses. Our attorney basically said he couldnt sign his rights over unless DD took him to court and tried to declare him an unfit parent. They are going for her having full custody with very little visitations. Weather or not he decides to even see the baby is up to him. So far its been several weeks and they have had no communication at all, he hasnt even called to see about the baby. Our attorney gave her some really good advise and she is taking it pretty seriously. I know all to well about having a parent not in the picture and regretting it later in life. Her bio dad pretty much bailed on me when he found out I was pregnant. He signed away his rights and my DH adopted her at the age of about 4 and hes the only dad she has even known. A year or 2 ago she wanted to meet her bio dad and with my help she did. He regretted the ways things happened and is trying to be a part of her life now. I will give soon to be ex the same courtesy and opportunites that I gave my ex many years ago, if thats what DD wants. I hate burning bridges cause once totally burned, therye hard to rebuild.

 

[maple]

to all of you.

 

[Mattemma]

I agree with you that having him sign over rights would be worth it to be able to legally avoid him and the nightmare of child visitation issues.Go for that.He seems like the type that would jump for it especially if you mention that his wages and taxes will(not can but WILL) BE GARNISHED for 21 years.

Probably unnecessary but make sure the divorce decree stipulates that he is not to have contact with your dd and the child.Have it as a protective order if possible,so if he does ever show up for money,sex,or just to annoy her then she can just call the cops and they will haul him to jail for being in contact.

Would be better if he can't even find her,but hopefully he won't bother her.Sorry things worked out this way for your dd.Prayer for her and the little one,and glad she has family to support her.

I would do the court one day.Chances are he won't even show up for the hearing then he will lose his parental rights.Kids disappear or get killed during court ordered visitations.With him drinking and doing drugs I would not want my child with him at all. After all he does not even think the child is his,so he would care very little what happens to the child. My dad was a beater, so it was a relief when my mom was able to escape him.My brother saw him years later,but I had(have) no desire.Your dd's soon to be ex sounds like a loser not a beater,but the drugs can change that. Just glad to read she is not sticking it out with him!