I just lifted you and your situation up in prayer. I do not know your exact situation, but I know it involves your marriage. As someone else said, no one is worth your life except your children, that is the truth. If you feel this bad, maybe it is time to get out of this situation. A lot of the people here on BYC have been in your shoes, I have. I finally packed up, sold everything and moved from Calif back to Indiana, with my son.
It wasn't easy raising my son on my own, but we both made it, he has a relationship with his dad. I am now with the love of my life, 22 years later. We have only been married for 6 years and they have been a blast.
There were times before I left my first husband that I felf like you, my situation had both other women (and boy do I mean plural on the women) and abusive behaviors and controls. There are people out there to help you, you have to take the first step, whether it is going to therapy for you, or ???
God bless you, be safe.