Did I just screw up?? (very long)

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Shelley - He may have put his real name out there not really expecting that you would contact him. He was probably shocked to see your request. You've opened the door. Give him time, and he'll find his way in.

God bless.
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I'm 46. When I was 17, I had a baby girl. I knew I was not going to be able to give her the life I wanted desperately for her to have so I placed her for adoption. When I was 19, I was married and had my son. As he grew, he always knew he had a sister and that I loved them both. I was able to tell my son the reasons for placing her for adoption.

I knew a bit about her family (such as their names and professions) because of the adoption process we used. I had even met her adoptive parents at the hospital and placed her into their arms. Toughest day I've ever had.

Moving on down the timeline...

When my son was 13, his sister 15...I moved to KS. I went to work for this company that had great benefits. One day while looking through my health care provider book, I found her dad's name listed (he's an anesthiologist). I pointed it out to my son. Turned out, even though I had placed her for adoption in California, her adoptive parents were from Kansas City area. We were only living about 60 miles from each other!

My son, at age 13 and without my knowledge, sent a letter to her dad at his office. He explained who he was and that if she knew she was adopted, he would love to meet his sister. I got a very unexpected phone call from her mom. She had always known she was adopted and that it was because I loved her and wanted more for her than I could give. They let HER decide if she wanted contact with us or not.

Her mom still feels threatened that I've "come back to steal her baby" though that is not the situation at all. But she respects "our" daughter enough to realize that it is her choice. All I asked for was to fit in somewhere into her life wherever SHE feels comfortable with me being. We did get to meet. I got to go to her wedding. I have 3 grandsons by her so far.

Children can NEVER have enough love in their lives. They can NEVER be told enough they are special and cared for. They can NEVER have too many grandparents.

I will say this though...from my experience, don't rush things. I think that had me and my daughter waited even a few more years, things would have gone better, that it would have been less confusing for her. We did good for the first year and then had no contact for over a year because she was trying to process all the emotions. Your situation is different because your son DOES know you, does have memories of his time with you. This can be either good or bad or even both. The emotions involved is a HUGE roller coaster ride.

With facebook, when you send a friends request, you can add a message to the person. If you don't hear from him by the new year, send another request. Include in that request a place he can contact you or leave a message for you or an address where he can write to you. Then give him time. It is a LOT of emotions to process. Tell him you love him and only want his happiness.

But yes, I absolutely believe you did the right thing in contacting him. Now give him time to make his decisions. Never give up.
 
Gosh! Talk about reviving a dead thread!
I just thought I'd update on this post. Finally, after over 6 months of waiting, my baby has accepted my friend request. I'm chatting with him on facebook right now
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I would've sent him a message first, but I don't think you did the wrong thing at all! And, if I were his foster parents, I'd be really happy for him if you found him. However hard it may be for him. I fully support all of the decisions you've made. In spite of all the difficulties you faced, you have made the right choices IMHO.
 
Thats awesome! Sometimes, I know this, kids and teens take FOREVER to accept requests even if its not from their long lost mom! I had a friend who I'm good friends with in person take like 4 months to accept my request because while it showed up on their email, it never showed up on their actual Fbook account.
 
We're still chatting. He told me he has a cell phone, but I told him I don't think I could talk right now. I need to let the shock wear off first
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He acts like it's no big thing, talking to me after all this time. But the poor guy seems like he's had it rough, on ADHD and bipolar meds
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He is homeschooled now because of it he said. Hopefully he didn't inherit his dad's lying tendencies though
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It doesn't even look like the same kid, I swear I wouldn't have recognized him if I'd seen him in public!
 
I keep rereading the first post, and I know I've still got the dates messed up. It must have been August of 2002 when I saw them last, cause I know they'd been in foster care a year when I gave them up. It was a few months after giving them up before I had my last visit. So I'm thinking it was August of 2002 when I saw them last, still way too long!
 

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