DO NOT have anything in your mouth or hand while reading this! FUNNY!

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by justusnak, Apr 14, 2009.

  1. justusnak

    justusnak Flock Mistress

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    Feb 28, 2007
    South Eastern Indiana
    Subject: CHILI

    After a night of eating Jeff's chili, I went grocery shopping recently while not being alltogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going To crap yourself" chili.

    Tasty stuff, all be it Hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Durbrow's Movement 2'.

    Despite Habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

    Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

    The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The Peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in anoxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.

    I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

    I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

    Mistake!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny.

    IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal Buttplosion took place.

    Luck was on my side.

    Just in the nick of time I got to the john, and began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat, because my butt is burning SO BAD. Purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said: 'OH MY God!', then quickly left..

    Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when an employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. We are going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose, and pointing at me in an accusing manner and shouted, 'IT'S YOU!'.

    He then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
     
  2. Jazlyn

    Jazlyn Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Sep 30, 2007
    South Mississippi
    [​IMG] That was so funny!!!
     
  3. missourichickenmama

    missourichickenmama SURPRISE!

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    Jul 17, 2008
    Missouri
    [​IMG]
     
  4. SpringChickens

    SpringChickens Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 1, 2009
    College Station, Tx
    [​IMG][​IMG] [​IMG] I can't take it!!! That was great. You made me laugh until I cried. Maybe ROLFPMP would be more fitting!
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2009
  5. TheOLDNewChick

    TheOLDNewChick I'm an original

    Jun 12, 2007
    Tioga, Louisiana
    [​IMG]

    That was funny.
     
  6. FrenchHen

    FrenchHen Chicken Ambassador

    Jan 26, 2009
    Bagshot Row
    Well, I won't have to use the mascera remover tonight.

    [​IMG]
     
  7. luvs2garden2000

    luvs2garden2000 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jul 16, 2008
    Norman Oklahoma
    OMG we laughed so hard, my hubby really did fall in the floor laughing.
     
  8. Sock Puppet

    Sock Puppet Grumpy Hen

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    Mar 3, 2009
    Mesa, Arizona
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    I got tears [​IMG]
     
  9. Crickett

    Crickett Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 9, 2009
    Heart of Dixie
    I need a box of tissue now![​IMG][​IMG] I laughed so hard that I
    'm in tears![​IMG]:lau:gig You are the master![​IMG]
     
  10. Fudgie

    Fudgie Hatching Queen - Got Fudge?

    OMG [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    ARE YOU A GIRL!!!! HI 5 !!! Best laugh cry I have had all month!
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2009

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