Does forgiveness mean forgetting? family rant

[nop169]

First let me apologize for ranting - I will try to keep this short & to the point. I am a married 42 yo man with 3 children (some of you will remember that all are adopted & youngest is biracial). Been married 21 years. The issue.... i grew up in a very abusive, dysfunctional southern home - left at 17- lived in my car for 2 years - tried to heal the family after I was married - finally called it quits around 4 years ago after years of manipulation & bio father started using the "N" word in front of my youngest. Have had little contact (none initiated by us) since. The issue is this - my typical in denial battered mother showed up at my home a few weeks ago on the night of my 42 birthday. My wife, child & some friends were there. I chose to not interact with her at all during her 15 minute "visit" - she spoke with my wife. To be honest when I drove up & saw her car I became furious & did not interact with her to avoid a scene. Today, a nephew came by & during his visit indicated that mother was very upset that I wouldn't talk with her. Understand that we have neither heard from her or saw her in about a year. She brought a gift & a gift for my wife & child for christmas. This is what she does - she shows up once a year with a small gift but has no contact any other time. Talking with her is like talking to a total stranger because she does not know us nor will admit that the family is still dysfunctional - she would not be seen in public with my dark child nor speaks if we see her in town. There is a lot of pain & anger from the past that I DID forgive but I feel my behavior is within reason because I cannot forget nor allow them to hurt my family. What do you all think? Am I right to refuse the once a year visit & to be angry that she wants to show up once per year and act as if that is acceptable. Or am I right in refusing to allow someone else the power to hurt my family? The problem is that it brings up the old memories & pain for me & I do not feel that I "owe" them the resolution that they feel I owe them. It was their pleasure & my pain that brought me into this world - unwanted & unloved until I met my wife & began my own family. I feel like I should be able to dictate the relationships I have - not that others should be able to dictate the type of relationship we have.

 

[turney31]

It is ok to put toxic people out of your life! Even Mothers.

Edited to add: Protect your child at all costs.

 

[mississippifarmboy]

God knows I have no right to give anyone else advise.


But my 2 cents - We have to forgive. Forgiveness is needed no matter what for your own healing.

But Darned if I forget anything.



Forgiving leads to healing, forgeting leads to further hurt later on.



JMHO, and counts for nothin'

 

[Mattemma]

I would tell her to stop coming. She can send the gifts if she wants.The once a year visits are too upsetting to you,so tell her to stop coming.If she cares she will back off and allow you time to yourself,and time to decide if you want contact with her or anyone else. You need to tell her though. I told my brother off a few days ago.Felt good to finally say what I was REALLY feeling. Best wishes!

 

[PineappleMama]

Agree with the others.

"Forgiving leads to healing, forgeting leads to further hurt later on."

Is a VERY good line. If you don't study history you are doomed to repeat it...
But this isn't just about far flung history but also CURRENT behavior.

Even if you forgive her for all the past stuff, be the bigger person, yada... you cannot discount the bad things she's STILL doing.

You have the right to protect yourself, you also have the duty to protect your children. Clearly she doesn't understand that concept (hence your childhood) but you very much do and I don't think there's a thing wrong with you protecting yours... maybe she should watch the nature channel to get a clue how parents are supposed to behave?

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

As someone who has "chosen" who her family will be - do what is best for you, your wife and precious children. Do NOT feel bad about the way you feel.

 

[darkmatter]

Quote:
I concur. If you allow a "Toxic" person to re-establish a foot in the door-----you will regret it. Trust me on this one, I've had experience on trying to help relatives who "has changed their ways". Don't you believe it, if they've been abusive and a "user" type personality in the past, they don't change, they're only looking for another advantage.

 

[terrilhb]

I agree with Mattemma
Maybe after time things can change. Just pray about it. And you have to do what is best for you and your family. Good luck

 

[Spookwriter]

I will forgive in a heartbeat. We all make mistakes. We're human.

Will I forget? Doesn't work like that.

On adopting a child into your life, I commend you. Regardless of color.
Of all the things I dislike...Prejudice is the one thing I will not tolerate to
be around me.

We are all different. And in that same difference, lies the beauty that makes
us as we are.

 

[A.T. Hagan]

Your life, your family, and your call. Do what your heart tells you is best.