Does forgiveness mean forgetting? family rant

[mom'sfolly]

Dump her.

An hour a year is not worth it.

If she can sit in church for two years with her child and grandchildren and not acknowledge them, then she has clearly shown where she stands on any relationship. You owe her nothing. To lie about a relationship, in church, with her peers, pastor and before God, shows just how much value you really have to her. If having a biracial grandchild causes her feel more humiliated than living 50 years in an abusive relationship, and allowing her children to be abused, she's not worth much as a human being. JMHO

 

[Whispering Winds]

Quote:
I concur. If you allow a "Toxic" person to re-establish a foot in the door-----you will regret it. Trust me on this one, I've had experience on trying to help relatives who "has changed their ways". Don't you believe it, if they've been abusive and a "user" type personality in the past, they don't change, they're only looking for another advantage.

X2

 

[sourland]

Forgiving, yes! Forgetting, no.The very first and foremost thing is that no one is alllowed to hurt or disrespect my family, and that includes two adopted Asian grand daughters. My wifeand I came from similar home situations and vowed to do better by our kids. We did, and any negative influences from the "outer" family were not allowed. I have one sister who I tolerated until our mother died. On the day we buried Mom, my sister removed herself from my life with her actions. She can no longer hurt me or mine, and the feeling is one of immense relief. You will reach your own peace, and whatever you decide will be right for you. Family is the reason my friends are so dear to me. Best wishes in this journey and decision.

 

[sunnychooks]

Forgive her and pray for her, but forgive her for yourself. Holding onto anger, negativity and angst will not harm her, only you. You don't need to forget and you don't need to include her in your life, so close the chapter on that part of your life and concentrate on the blessings you do have. By forgiving your mother you will heal yourself. Your family deserves nothing less.

 

[fowler_chick]

I am in the same boat, my sister in law is a very toxic woman, she spent years talking behind my back and telling my mothers lies, my mother died 4 years ago due to alcoholism, and went to
her grave before i could correct them. because thing's in the were so bad between my mother and i in the end i didn't bother to return home for her funral, she started in on my parenting skills years ago......and said that i sucked as a parent......no one is perfect ......i have 3 kids (3, 4 and 17) my 17 year old daughter doesn't dress slutty (sorry for the term) and is a b average student and doesn't drink, do drugs or smokes.......my 2 little guys are to young to be thinking of rehab.....my 17 year old nephew is already in to alcohol and drugs....i saw some pic's on facebook of him stoned, her 12 year old son had some thing about sexual positions on his facebook ...my sister in law and her self centerd bratz in ended up blocking me from face book after i questioned her on her parenting skills......my dad remarried a few years back to the most wonderful woman ( i could not ask for a more better step mother) but yet my sister in law treats her like poop........it's better some times ot leave the toxic sluge behind and move and forget!!

 

[annaraven]

You have the right to choose who is in your life. You are not a bad person if you say no to a relationship with a psycho, even if that psycho happens to be your biological forebear.

Forgive yourself for choosing a better family than the one you were born into.

 

[justbugged]

I often wonder why the word forgive and forget seem to be so linked. They have nothing in common. Forgiveness is for yourself, and forgetting is a path to being stupid. We all need to forgive if for nothing else than caring for ourselves. For me forgiving feels like finally understanding that what you think you need will never happen. It is acceptance of the past. and then letting it go. Forgetting is a path to allowing events to happen over and over again. If we don't remember the past, then we will repeat it. History is a great teacher. I know the bible says to forgive, but I don't know where it says to forget.

It sounds like you know what is best for your family.

 

[magicpigeon]

Be happy you got away from her unscathed! Don't let her keep ruining your life - forgive, certainly... but you can't just forget all the things they did and naively believe that she will be better now.
My grandmother was a person like her. Every time, when I was little, she was always comparing me to my sister. Nothing got away unexamined;

"Oh, look at Charlotte. Such beautiful nails...You should really stop biting yours, though, they look SO ugly..."
"Charlotte was on TV the other night! We all saw her. Such a natural star... if only you would become more enterprising like Charlotte..."
"Charlotte has 10 best friend and you only have one. You can't stay like a little turtle forever. You need to become more like your sister."
"Well, Charlotte has never given me so much trouble. You are a disgrace to this family!"

The last one comes from a more sinister topic than the above. When I was 13 I was admitted into psych for manic depression and a suicide attempt. This was caused by a number of factors, my mother's death, for one. And of course....Charlotte was the little angel.

When I got older I began to out do Charlotte in academia. But I never got the same praise or recognition. Sometimes I still with I had a grandmother to tell all those things to me. But now I know better, and have not kept in contact with her since.

 

[Mahonri]

Part of true forgiveness is forgetting.

I know that I hope My Savior will forget my sins and trespasses.

I believe that in order to receive forgiveness, we need to able to forgive completely, which I believe includes trying to forget.

THAT SAID, protect your family.

We have memory of past mistakes, to help us protect our future.
That's the part of memory that you keep, while at the same time freely forgiving.

If your mother is going to emotionally abuse you or your family, you can have a forgiving heart, but you don't have to expose yourself or your family to that abuse.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Personally I think "forgive and forget" has a very different meaning than what is seeming to be described by other posters. The "forget" part means that you stop beating yourself up over it or feeling responsibility or feeling guilt over it--not that you somehow delete the memories. You don't let it eat you up; you don't dwell on it. But it does not mean that you deny what happened/happens, or bury it away. That isn't healthy for you.

This person (notice I did not call her your mother because REAL mothers don't act that way)...this person has already proven to be toxic. It would be irresponsible to allow her to spread those toxins around you or your family. If in your mind's eye you removed the blood connection and looked at her as some stranger, I'm betting you would not allow her within a mile of yourself and your family. Do NOT pretend she is a decent person who should be allowed contact when she clearly is not. Her choices have betrayed her for the evil coward she is. To deny a child because of the color of his skin? Gawd, that sickens me and unmasks her for the twisted, evil weakling she really is.

How and why she is the way she is is HER responsibility to fix, not yours. You are responsible for how you/your life turns out; in the same way she responsible for how she and her life turns out. You cannot take on the burden of her faulty choices as somehow being your responsibility to cure. Life does not work that way.

Let go and move on. Your responsibility is to your wife and your kids. That you have spent this time on this person sends entirely the WRONG message to your children and your wife. THEY should be your focus--doing what is best for them and making sure this person does not poison them with her message--that is what is important here. She already made her bed. That does not mean you cannot pray for her, if that is the way your heart lies. That does not endanger your family. But contact surely does.


As always, JMO


Rusty