- Thread starter
- #31
- Jul 27, 2009
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Momsfolly - "To lie about a relationship, in church, with her peers, pastor and before God, shows just how much value you really have to her. If having a biracial grandchild causes her feel more humiliated than living 50 years in an abusive relationship, and allowing her children to be abused, she's not worth much as a human being."
While I totally agree with most of your statement above I must say I do not agree with the last line - "shes not worth much as a human being".... from where I stand & how I have been treated by them, YES, even that statement is relatively true - BUT all people have issues and although I do not want her/them involved in my life - I cannot say she is worthless nor can I not say that perhaps this is her twisted way of finding redemption even if it is only one day per year. While I will & do deny her access to me & my family, I cannot say she is worthless - for if I did - would God not judge me the same. I do not want to give hurt back for hurt. I hope one day she finds peace. I just am not willing to sacrifice myself nor my family for her redemption. Perhaps I feel this way because I was the one who was "worthless'' as a child & struggled to feel worthy of life until adulthood.... empathy for her. Understand other than the once a year visit & denial - she is a quiet, frail shattered person who cannot voice the past - I think because if she releases the cloak of silence her own battered soul will accuse her & she is not strong enough to face it. Truely I pity her, hurt for her, love & hate her all at once (confusing isn't it!!!). But it is/was her life - not mine & I will not be sucked back into it.
Sourland - Forgiving, yes! Forgetting, no.The very first and foremost thing is that no one is alllowed to hurt or disrespect my family... THANKS - I think I just needed to hear others say this to reaffirm my own decision.
Sunnychooks - Forgive her and pray for her, but forgive her for yourself. Holding onto anger, negativity and angst will not harm her, only you. You are correct with this statement & you see clearly - I appreciate your wisdom & that you shared it with me.
Annaraven - You have the right to choose who is in your life. You are not a bad person if you say no to a relationship I am relieved that many of you have voiced this as this is the way I feel also. Thanks for your understanding.
Justbugged - Forgiveness is for yourself, and forgetting is a path to being stupid. We all need to forgive if for nothing else than caring for ourselves. For me forgiving feels like finally understanding that what you think you need will never happen. It is acceptance of the past. and then letting it go. Do we ever truely let it go? It seems that these type issues rise up again & again in the life of a person who came from an abusive past.... I always have believed it was to make us stronger, teach us empathy & help us to not make the same choices. I love the way you expressed this.... that it is an accpetance of the past and then letting go.... I wrote this down on a page & hung it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder....... thanks so much!
Magicpigeon - Be happy you got away from her unscathed! Unfortunately I did not come away unscathed - neither in the past nor after this visit - hence the anger! But I do understand what you are saying. I am sorry you also lived in the shadow of another - I understand it well - been there! Please do me a favor & recognize yourself - I know the pain of waiting for approval, acceptance & acknowledgement. The one thing I learned long ago was to be proud of my own accomplishments & then I found a wife who reasserted that... then was blessed with children who think their Dad is the greatest. In my life - although there was much pain - God has blessed me with much joy also & I hope your life will be blessed with joy also.
Mahonri - I know that I hope My Savior will forget my sins and trespasses. We have memory of past mistakes, to help us protect our future. I not only hope - I know for that is what He has promised if I only believe. Your post has reminded me in such a loving way of that. Well said & yes I totally understand what you mean. I thank you for the reminder & ask that you pray for me that I will be reminded daily!
Rust Hills Farm - You don't let it eat you up; you don't dwell on it. But it does not mean that you deny what happened/happens, or bury it away. How and why she is the way she is is HER responsibility to fix, not yours. You are responsible for how you/your life turns out; in the same way she responsible for how she and her life turns out. You cannot take on the burden of her faulty choices as somehow being your responsibility to cure. Let go and move on. Your responsibility is to your wife and your kids. Rusty - although my head tells me to do exactly as you stated - my heart still wants to heal her... I appreciate how you stated that it is not my responsibility - so many of my extended family think I shouldn't be uninvolved with them - I should forgive & let them continue to harm my family & of course they search me out to tell me this as we have very limited contact with them also. Unfortunately, although I am a strong (emotionally) guy most of the time - sometimes it just gets to me & I question my decisions. I do not want to be hard to the extent that I do not feel at all & therefore cannot be the father & husband I need to be - and it is very easy to get to that place of hardness when dealing with my parents. It is a precarious balance that I feel inadequate to manage at times. As to protecting the family - although my wife is aware something is on my mind (she is perceptive & probably knows exactly what it is) I do not display my anger or confussion to them. I will eventually talk with my wife about it - once it is settled in my mind & I am past it. That is why I posted here - people I have gotten to know in this community who have insight & are also searching for their path in life - rather than burden my wife or friends who did not grow up in this mess & have no way of understanding it. As to the time I have spent on this - well for me I need to express my view & settle it in my mind or I do not feel I can be the man I should be. Do I overanalyse? Yeah I am positive I do! But it is my way in order to try & see clearly & move on. I appreciate your view & the points you made.
I appreciate all of your comments - you all have helped me resolve this in my heart & mind. Thanks.
While I totally agree with most of your statement above I must say I do not agree with the last line - "shes not worth much as a human being".... from where I stand & how I have been treated by them, YES, even that statement is relatively true - BUT all people have issues and although I do not want her/them involved in my life - I cannot say she is worthless nor can I not say that perhaps this is her twisted way of finding redemption even if it is only one day per year. While I will & do deny her access to me & my family, I cannot say she is worthless - for if I did - would God not judge me the same. I do not want to give hurt back for hurt. I hope one day she finds peace. I just am not willing to sacrifice myself nor my family for her redemption. Perhaps I feel this way because I was the one who was "worthless'' as a child & struggled to feel worthy of life until adulthood.... empathy for her. Understand other than the once a year visit & denial - she is a quiet, frail shattered person who cannot voice the past - I think because if she releases the cloak of silence her own battered soul will accuse her & she is not strong enough to face it. Truely I pity her, hurt for her, love & hate her all at once (confusing isn't it!!!). But it is/was her life - not mine & I will not be sucked back into it.
Sourland - Forgiving, yes! Forgetting, no.The very first and foremost thing is that no one is alllowed to hurt or disrespect my family... THANKS - I think I just needed to hear others say this to reaffirm my own decision.
Sunnychooks - Forgive her and pray for her, but forgive her for yourself. Holding onto anger, negativity and angst will not harm her, only you. You are correct with this statement & you see clearly - I appreciate your wisdom & that you shared it with me.
Annaraven - You have the right to choose who is in your life. You are not a bad person if you say no to a relationship I am relieved that many of you have voiced this as this is the way I feel also. Thanks for your understanding.
Justbugged - Forgiveness is for yourself, and forgetting is a path to being stupid. We all need to forgive if for nothing else than caring for ourselves. For me forgiving feels like finally understanding that what you think you need will never happen. It is acceptance of the past. and then letting it go. Do we ever truely let it go? It seems that these type issues rise up again & again in the life of a person who came from an abusive past.... I always have believed it was to make us stronger, teach us empathy & help us to not make the same choices. I love the way you expressed this.... that it is an accpetance of the past and then letting go.... I wrote this down on a page & hung it on my bathroom mirror as a reminder....... thanks so much!
Magicpigeon - Be happy you got away from her unscathed! Unfortunately I did not come away unscathed - neither in the past nor after this visit - hence the anger! But I do understand what you are saying. I am sorry you also lived in the shadow of another - I understand it well - been there! Please do me a favor & recognize yourself - I know the pain of waiting for approval, acceptance & acknowledgement. The one thing I learned long ago was to be proud of my own accomplishments & then I found a wife who reasserted that... then was blessed with children who think their Dad is the greatest. In my life - although there was much pain - God has blessed me with much joy also & I hope your life will be blessed with joy also.
Mahonri - I know that I hope My Savior will forget my sins and trespasses. We have memory of past mistakes, to help us protect our future. I not only hope - I know for that is what He has promised if I only believe. Your post has reminded me in such a loving way of that. Well said & yes I totally understand what you mean. I thank you for the reminder & ask that you pray for me that I will be reminded daily!
Rust Hills Farm - You don't let it eat you up; you don't dwell on it. But it does not mean that you deny what happened/happens, or bury it away. How and why she is the way she is is HER responsibility to fix, not yours. You are responsible for how you/your life turns out; in the same way she responsible for how she and her life turns out. You cannot take on the burden of her faulty choices as somehow being your responsibility to cure. Let go and move on. Your responsibility is to your wife and your kids. Rusty - although my head tells me to do exactly as you stated - my heart still wants to heal her... I appreciate how you stated that it is not my responsibility - so many of my extended family think I shouldn't be uninvolved with them - I should forgive & let them continue to harm my family & of course they search me out to tell me this as we have very limited contact with them also. Unfortunately, although I am a strong (emotionally) guy most of the time - sometimes it just gets to me & I question my decisions. I do not want to be hard to the extent that I do not feel at all & therefore cannot be the father & husband I need to be - and it is very easy to get to that place of hardness when dealing with my parents. It is a precarious balance that I feel inadequate to manage at times. As to protecting the family - although my wife is aware something is on my mind (she is perceptive & probably knows exactly what it is) I do not display my anger or confussion to them. I will eventually talk with my wife about it - once it is settled in my mind & I am past it. That is why I posted here - people I have gotten to know in this community who have insight & are also searching for their path in life - rather than burden my wife or friends who did not grow up in this mess & have no way of understanding it. As to the time I have spent on this - well for me I need to express my view & settle it in my mind or I do not feel I can be the man I should be. Do I overanalyse? Yeah I am positive I do! But it is my way in order to try & see clearly & move on. I appreciate your view & the points you made.
I appreciate all of your comments - you all have helped me resolve this in my heart & mind. Thanks.
