Does wanting to live different mean I am such a mean mom?

[mom'sfolly]

Did you ask your son what kinds of activities, other than video games, they might enjoy?

It sounds to me like you have something of a "like it or lump it" attitude towards these kids. There are lots of movies that 11 year-old boys will enjoy that don't break the bank, and don't cause offense to parents. Activities that you think will occupy kids for a couple of hours, often only last 15 or 20 minutes. If you want to keep them entertained, you need to have lots of things for them to do.

For the next time...consider having them make the pizza, with dough that you have made. Set up a treasure hunt, ala Amazing Race, have a bonfire and cook dessert in a Dutch Oven (fire will keep boys occupied indefinitely), set up some games of skill or elimination. Let the kids compete, complain, hide out in the bedroom, and just hang. Spend $10 on movies that your son thinks his friends will like. None of my kid's friends had seen Jaws or Ghostbusters, so one birthday we did those.

You don't have to compromise your ideals to have a fun sleepover for kids; but you have to be flexible. It seems to me that you expected these kids to be jaded and bored, and do have a "better than them" attitude to the way your kid's friends are being raised. Your job isn't to criticize their worldview, but to show that your worldview is fun and has merit. You don't do this by judging the kids, and assuming that it is the lack of video games that caused the complaining. When you host a party, you are entertaining the guests. Arrowhead hunting is a 20 minute activity, Jackie Chan movies are for making fun of, and there wasn't much more for the guests to do.

The last birthday party at my house, for a 10 year-old boy and his older friends, was a cooking party. The kids made "Party mice" with marshmallows, chocolate, and oreos, total cost, less than $10. Instead of faces, they used the icing to make zombie mice. They also made pizza, made rootbeer, and watched movies. The rootbeer and mice went home with the kids as party favors. A good time was had by all. They thought the whole making rootbeer thing was totally cool. They didn't know that you could make pop at home. Again, the cost of this was a few dollars, for the extract, sugar and bottles.

As for your kid agreeing that you are the mean mom, you need to give him the tools to handle those comments. Tell him simply that you have more time together for fun family activities, that you guys get to do ______, and other families don't. Economic arguments have no pull with kids that age. You need to help him see that the family time you have, and the things you do are at least as fun as cable and video games. If you don't do this...he will think you are the mean mom, and that his lifestyle is weird, not fun.

Next time, I recommend more planning, and there will be less complaining, both by the kids and by you.

Personally, I don't think the kids lifestyle was the problem. I think the problem, in part, was that you were unprepared to entertain children.

 

[Nicole01]

I like to live the same(except we were given a flat screen from in laws for dh). I hate television. My 17 year old doesn't have a cell phone, we won't allow it because it would be brought to school. Yes, the kids complain they don't have cell phones, but it's not killing them.

The neighborhood kids always come to our house to play. Maybe it's because I cook everything from scratch and love my cooking? They make up games and movies all the time. They are very creative. For the movies, they spend hours building and making their props. My girls love making their own stuffed animals and toys. Right this minute my middle child is making up her own piano song on the big piano keyboard.

Now my girls are going to be busy sprouting greens for the chickens. They just brought in soil/sand outside and started sunflower seeds. I have alfalfa coming in the mail with a sprouter that doesn't require soil.

I do love my iPod touch though.

 

[herfrds]

You are doing nothing wrong.
Our DS has a great imagination. When he wanted a 4-wheeler he was told he would have to buy it, we weren't. He worked odd jobs for us and saved his money and bought himself a used 4-wheeler. When it broke down he paid for the parts and repaired it himself.
He is now buying DH's older truck on payments. When he gets his drivers liscence he gets to buy his own insurance. He bought his own cell phone.
DD knows she is going to go the same way.

Look at it this way. When these kids are older your DS will know how to budget and get by on little while his friends will be going into debt for quick gratification with the computors, games and other toys.

 

[BusyBlonde]

More 'mean' parents here. I'm stepmom to 2 girls. My DH and I were the worst parents in the world, according to them, because we wouldn't buy them cell phones, didn't get them their own computers, MONITORED their internet activity (Horrors!!!), made sure we met their friends and friend's parents before we let them go to someone's house (when they were early teens), had to meet their boyfriends before they went out on a date, made home-cooked meals instead of eating lots of fast food, etc.

Both girls are grown and have moved out (19 & 22), but now, when they come over they tell us how spoiled people their own age are. The younger DD works and goes to school, the older DD goes to school full-time and is a mom. They appreciate that we were strict, now they know it wasn't out of meanness but because we wanted them to grow up self-sufficient and able to take care of themselves. They can both cook, so they don't eat every meal out like many people their age. They have their own vehicles, places to live, pay their own bills. The younger DD, who was most upset when we wouldn't give her money for a 'designer' wardrobe when she was in high school, now shops at discount stores and goodwill. She's proud of her 'finds' when she gets a great deal on something she used to think 'we' should pay $100+ for. Pre-worn is no longer gross, LOL.

We're really proud of them, and even happier that they come home at least once a week to visit and have dinner. It's funny to hear DD and her DH talk about how they're planning on raising our grandson - even stricter than we or his parents raised them (no video games, no junk food...). They want him growing up around us, in the garden, around the animals. Are they happy now? Very much, also productive and well adjusted. Our job was to teach them to be self-sufficient as adults, and they are. Don't compromise your values. Your kids will - eventually - thank you for them.

 

[Sore Thumb Suburbanite]

today I have my gamer nerd nephew over. Every time he comes over he complains when we tell him its time to go home. His parents are divorced, he lives with his grandmother and both of his parents are busy with trying to get a new spouse. He just turned 12 and he has enjoyed hanging out with us since I met his Uncle 5 years ago.

He is obsessed with Modern Warfare or Black ops or whatever you call it, he has sooooooo many hours logged its ridiculous to even acknowledge. He is an only kid and nobody has time for him, both his parents are generally preoccupied, his grandmother still works. My husband-his Uncle- is his favorite person, and he calls me his second mom.

Here is where its weird: we are really strict: we have him help on every major house and yard project we have ever done throughout his past visits, we don't let him sit alone and play video games, movies/tv we only watch together when everything is done/clean, we have him help us clean up before parties, or help fold laundry, we don't often take him out to eat, but cook lots of meat and veggie type meals, and we don't allow the phrase "I'm bored".

For fun we do a lot of hiking, shooting, playng catch, harvesting the garden, and crafty projects... and generally odd hobby type activites with him like butterfly collecting. And he can't get enough. He always asks if he can come live with us-even after I tell him he wouldn't be allowed to have a tv in his room or play more than 45 minutes of video games a day.

My nephew would give up his silly violent gaming life to do lots of chores and eat in... Its the interaction, the "I want to spend time with you and I want you to spend time with me" and "its hard work, but look at all we accomplished together, isn't it looking good?".

We have to keep explaining situations so he hears that we need him and want him to help rather than telling him he has to help. He can't get enough of the conversation, attention, jokes and silly things we do to make him laugh. He has to go in a few hours back to his grandmother's, and he is already getting depressed.


I'm not saying all gamer kids are adult attention and interaction deprived, but this one is, and the games are the only way he knows how to interact with others when he is all alone, they're the only social tool he has been given by his parents and its so sad.

My children will have many diverse social tools, hobbies, proficiencies and abilities, The key is our involvement & love.

 

[off-grid hen]

I read your whole post, and I'm still upset that people think Jackie Chan is lame. JACKIE CHAN ROCKS!

I live off the grid. I can only imagine that my kid will tell me at some point that he wants to be like everyone else. He will want to play the nasty violent games. He'll want a tv in his room. I won't let him.

I remember being the only kid who didn't have a phone or tv in my room. However, my parents caved when my younger sister got to be that age. She had a tv and a phone! (computers were still not around other than at banks. I'm old.

) I was also not allowed to go see a concert until I was 14. And even then, I went with my uncle. I could not go when I was 16. Mom's response was that I might see some illegal activities happening while I was there.

(She caved on this one with my sister too- I took her to lollapalooza with Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. The scenes of the destroyed orchestra section (because of the giant mosh pit) were on the news. Mom never said a word.

I'm sure my son will want a cell phone and a Nintendo DS or other portable gaming thingy. We have a wii, and a computer, and we limit how much he can watch/surf/play. He likes to play abgry birds once in a while on my phone. I let him do it once in a while. Everything in moderation.

The kids will give you tons of "but whhhyyyyyy", just stick to your guns. They don't have to be totally, sheltered, but there are particularly violent video games that are very inappropriate. Yeah, they'll probably play them at their friend's houses anyway, but you can still have standards. It's ok.

Good luck.

 

[cassie]

I think an ettiquette lesson is in order here. When the son's friends as why you don't have such and such I think you would be doing them a favor by gently telling them that it is none of their business and that it is impolite to ask.

 

[GreenGables]

I raised my 2 children without video games, tv, and a computer. They went to the library to use a computer. Television I felt was a waste of time when they could be reading a book or playing outside. My daughter, when in high school, said I was a mean Mom. A couple of her friends Mom's wouldn't let them go to a party if my daughter wasn't allowed. Not only that, DD said our home was too small to have a party after the prom. That being said, we did host a small party after the prom and the young couples had ice cream soda's, shared some stories and then went home. My son and daughter are now 30 and 32 years old, married, and respectful. They thank me for the way I brought them up. Keep up the good work! It's hard but through the limitations your children know you love them very much.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Most 11 year olds will say this, but if you talk to their PARENTS, you might get an entirely different story on what they are allowed. Unfortunately, there always seems to be one kid who IS allowed, or has an older sibling and sneaks the siblings games.

When the kids are over, plan some exciting fun outside things that you approve of and that you son enjoys. Take them camping in the woods, fishing, swimming in the lake (in hot weather), have them build snowmen or build a snow fort, teach them orienteering.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I think it would be better to say that different families have different priorities, and that such-and-such are not things your family sets much value on, and go on to state what you DO value.