Does wanting to live different mean I am such a mean mom?

[TrystInn]

Foster mom here, so we're fairly strict. For instance, we believe there's been enough violence in these kids lives. No violent video games, tv shows or movies. If they go to a friend's home, we call and ask that they respect our rules. Chores and homework come before computer time or tv. We visit the homebound and help with their chores, errands, etc. instead of screwing around in front of the tv, etc.

We also take in exchange students, they come for the farm life but they hate the farm chores.

So yes, we're mean, too.

 

[redhen]

I'll tell you one thing..i would NOT tolerate those RUDE disrespectful remarks in my house.
I'd be nice but VERY firm. I'd give them a reason to call me a mean mom... really, i would.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Part of something that is positive to teach children is well-rounded, independent thought and learning to find happiness that is self-propagated, rather than one that is dependent on criticizing other lifestyles and choices in the same breath. That really is not meant to be snarky, though I know it sounds as such. I realize that this is a vent, and I am not trying to say, "grr, this is what you are doing in daily life", but rather, "I would personally make sure this is not what you are doing".

So, when it comes to movies, make sure you are allowing your kids to express some personal growth and independence by having different (approved) videos to choose from, rather than just Jackie Chan videos. That may already be the case, and if so, great! For video games, you have the option of either continuing to control them until the kids hit 18, or you could also work on teaching them additional lessons by say, allowing them to have a system if they work up the money to buy it. Either one is fine. Video games are not necessary for normal development by any means (however, to disagree with Roger Ebert, they can be an art form/story telling form as well as a solid professional career, and it is always good to be open-minded and take all things into consideration for any topic). The second option would allow you to have more flexibility, but I would only go for that option if you truly personally feel it would be a positive way of guiding your kids, not because of fears or frustration with being seen as a 'mean mom'. I wouldn't change anything based upon that alone. There are good reasons that can easily be backed by strong, information and fact laden arguments, as to why things like debt are not healthy or positive things to incorporate into one's life. These are solid values to teach, and seem to have given you a great platform to bond with your family. Keep communication open in your house, and I think you will continue to be happy with your family and choices. Keeping discussion open and frequent, and passing your coping and debate skills onto your son (ie. talk about how comments from his friends make him feel, talk about healthy ways to cope with that), will help avoid hurt feelings and feelings of unfairness.

 

[CluckyJay]

My kid knows the importance of livestock poop and cannot even use a game controller. He is five.

We are spoiled though, we have Netflix, LOL.

Sometimes I think about that 9.00 a month going to a better cause but then I get sad, hehehe.

 

[CluckyJay]

And BTW, I would have never spoked poorly of someone's parent or their lack of "things" when I was growing up. That would have gotten me smacked.

 

[MamaRoo]

Maybe his friends no longer know how to find entertainment for themselves. For next time consider some planned activities: build a raft with only string and fallen branches, or each pair collect 8 different leaves and identify them. Something with structure and a goal so they aren't having to come up with their own ideas.

 

[eenie114]

From the perspective of a teen with uber-mean parents (

Hey, yours get to have A gaming system... We can play the minigames on DVD bonus features and that's it) they'll appreciate it later. When they see that the kids that had everything become the kids who don't know how to work and are more annoying than

they'll go, "Oh. Thanks, Mom." I sure did.

 

[eenie114]

I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate
candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others
had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can
guess, my supper was different than the other kids' also.
But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two
brothers had the same mean mother as I did.
My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd
think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and
where we were going. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that
we be gone one hour or less--not one hour and one minute. I am nearly
ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each
time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was
used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you
imagine someone actualy hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now
you can begin to see how mean she really was.
We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always
wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because
she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we
have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night
and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our
friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break
the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make
beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid
awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.
By the time we were teen-agers, she was much wiser, and our life
became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for
us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates
and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a
girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really
there. I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I'd had a
boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were
dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused
to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you
dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie
in bed, "sick" like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends
had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home
from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends'
report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for
failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for
nothing less than ugly black marks.
As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put
to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind
us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the
pleasure of being a drop-out.
My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four
children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us
have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my
brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we
have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our
mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a
protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a
million and one other things that our friends did.
She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.
Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three
children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my
children call me mean.
Because, you see, I thank God, He gave me the meanest mother in
the whole world.
Written by Bobbie Pingaro, 1967

 

[Sore Thumb Suburbanite]

Oh gosh, video games.... I didn't like them when I was little and I can't stand them now. I married one of those kids who got everything and as a result was kicked out at 18 and had to start supporting himself. He has come a long way, but geeeze, the video games, he still plays them! Seriously, grown men are playing them! Tell your son and his friends, girls, and women think their video games are pointless and stupid. It won't really matter now to them, but maybe they'll see the light later when their girlfriends won't tollerate all the gaming. Also, on those gaming systems live people can talk while playing and say the most horrific things from racist comments (my husband's bosses kids-yes they're totally spoiled-got kicked off for that sort of comment) and they cuss and insult and bully and degrade...some parents turn it off through the gaming system but its seriously disgusting that adults can say horrible things while children listen and participate.

Sorry, I totally feel for you. I grew up without all the fluff-with a mean, I mean a poor working mother and a intensely cheap father. we never had cable (which apparently was a sin at my private school) I never had a gaming system, ate home cooked food because we were "poor" and never got pop tarts or exciting cereal (grapenuts was the pinnacle of my cereal dreams), we never went shopping for clothes-thats what christmas and birthdays were for, and I didn't have a computer with the internet until I was 18 and needed it for college-same with a phone. I was always so much more creative and independent as a kid because of it-but I didn't always have a lot of friends at my school...now that I think about it, does anybody still have friends from the 5th grade?

I'm so angry at those ungrateful creepy kids your son hangs out with! How dare they disrespect you and your son in your house! I would hope your son makes other friends and doesn't pander to them for companionship and acceptance anymore. Its obvious they look down upon him.

If you do have them over again, give them some hammers and nails and a bunch of scrap wood and old blankets and send them outside to make a fort. I've never heard of a kid turning that down. If only I could have done that ever day growing up! but have your son suggest it, they won't listen to you with an open mind. I'd also suggest whipping up the best cookies you can when they arrive and maybe giving them paper airplane or balsa airplane supplies and hosting a contest of "who's flies the farthest, best". I don't know if you're a gun friendly family, but the kid who has a bb gun or a 22 is always respected; I really think its a good idea to introduce kids young and educate them about gun safety and usefulness, I got my first 22 at 13 and still have it/love it. You can pick up a really underpowered bb gun just about anywhere, they're pretty simple and fun for kids. I never misused my gun, but then again I was a really careful girl.

Other than that, I'd speak with their parents, informing them of how disrespectful their remarks are and how they won't be welcome if they don't behave. That or don't invite over a hoard of kids who all have to share the same opinion out of pressure, do just one at a time, one is much easier to persuade and win over than it is a whole gang.

I'm pregnant with my first and I told my husband I am not letting my kids grow up playing video games, its useless and unimaginative... He's not happy about it, but I compromise on so many other things, I think I can win this one.

I feel for you and am on your side 100%. Your son will be better off than his current group of pals and probably do the same thing you are doing with his kids. Hang in there, 11 year olds and jr. highers are the most awful age group to deal with sometimes.

 

[BarefootMom]

Keep it up.

My kids are still young (4 and 2) but growing up we didn't have all the latest things either. I didn't get a cell phone until I was a senior in HS - year 2004. I still have the cheapy flip phone and that is fine by me. We only have 1 laptop and only have internet because I take online classes, otherwise I probably wouldn't have it.

Growing up we didn't have internet at the house. The only "game" system we had was the Original Nintendo which was fun for what it was but everyone else was playing better systems. We spent a lot of time outside and on the farm. I am better for it. I see that more and more each day.

I am trying to raise my kids the same way. My son is already starting to feel the pressure from kids at preschool because he doesn't watch cartoons all day long. He doesn't really know who Spongebob is or Dexter. He watches some of the PBS programming but only when it is rainy or cold and I don't let him go outside. He would much rather be outside sitting on the tractor "brushhogging" or playing with the kitties or helping PaPa feed cows. His preschool teacher asked his class if they knew where milk came from and she said most of them knew it came from cows, but Cooper was the only one that went on and told her the ENTIRE process of milking a cow. Our neighbor has a small dairy and we go over there at least once a week. lol

I try to steer away from "commercialism" and so my kids don't feel like they have to have the latest article of clothing or toy.

We do things differently mostly to save money and I am a stay at home mom. I make meals from scratch, raise our own meat, my kids wear consignment/yard sale clothing. We burn wood and barely run an AC in the summer.

Nothing wrong with living off the technology grid a bit.

If I could get my DH on board I would get a wagon and horses instead of driving a car. I would love to do things even more differently. I would rather live Amish style than the way a lot of people are living.

I feel like I was born in the wrong century.