Don't judge what you don't understand!

[CochinBrahmaLover]

This isn't the first time I've heard her complain about things behind my back right after she was smiley to my face. She has also complained about my other animals as well (which I don't understand because she loves animals). I have an 80lb black lab, a long hair cat, and a short hair cat. I vacuum every day because I am allergic to cats but love their personalities. I vacuum the carpet, hardwood, and furniture. My lab and short hair cat get brushed every other day. My long haired cat gets brushed everyday- otherwise she would mat up really bad. I also dust every other day (I'm really allergic to cats!). When she stayed in my home a couple months ago, she was playing with my cats and holding them and cuddling. She LOVES cats. Then later that day she was on the phone with her mom and I could hear her loud as day complaining about how my house is full of hair and her clothes are always full of hair. I'm like; what do you expect? You were just holding two cats! Bring a lint roller next time, geeze!!!

Sorry don't think she was being rude. She was talkng to her husband and didn't know you could hear . Some people just don't like animals, my sister is like that.

I can see NYboys pint, she was just saying that she didnt like them, but what makes it rude it she was SO nice to you, if you think they stink, hey why dont ya say "Dont you think they stink?" or something like that! dont be all smiley face in front of Anna and then dis them, cause that just means your being fake and then you will never know if their sincere

 

[dainerra]

maybe she didn't say that because, strange concept, she didn't want to hurt your feelings? Maybe she KNOWS how much you like them and how proud you were of them? Sure, she picked a bad time to vent. But, when we are venting we never mean for anyone else to overhear, do we?
She thought that you were downstairs and couldn't hear. She called to apologize. I'd let it go. I would actually tell her "It's ok if you don't like them. I know that if you aren't used to them, it looks like a mess. But, to me, they are worth the hassle."

 

[vickifiveoh]

You are a better person than me. I would have told her if she didn't like the smell to get out of my house!! I can't stand people that eat you up to your face and then as soon as your back is turned they have that knife in your back.

 

[CochinBrahmaLover]

You are a better person than me. I would have told her if she didn't like the smell to get out of my house!! I can't stand people that eat you up to your face and then as soon as your back is turned they have that knife in your back.

X2

some people just cant control, our tempers flare and we need to yell, well what you said.

Ya, shes a better person then me too

 

[redhen]

She wouldnt be welcome back in my house.
I cant stand 2 faced people..

 

[elijahboy]

has no one ever heard the phrase pick and choose your battles?

now she waited (or atleast she thought so) for you to leave the room to be respectful enough NOT to say it directly to you. she was speaking to her husband in "private" or atleast she thought she was in private. she was polite to your face because she did not want to hurt your feelings. sometimes you need to step out the box and look in just froma different view.

me personally i dont like to cause friction... when someone tells me im wrong or i know they are talking about me and they think i dont know it is so easy to get them back without fussing whining or confrontation. simply say ok whatever and walk away..then you will have your entire future worth of cold jabs..use the exact same words she used when your conversing with her at a later time. that way you never have to confront her about you invading her "privacy" while she was speaking to her husband.

in the near future she will ask you about your chickens......say exactley what she said word for word in a "nice sentence".

 

[123ChickieLou]

Anna, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I'm going to be honest and say that I don't think it's about the animals, I think she'd be this way with you about anything she could think of. The animals are just an easy and obvious target. I bet if you oculd glimpse into her past, you'd see that she's been like this with many many people and that she felt threatened by each one. I believe your home is clean and that you keep up behind your animals so it stays clean. You don't need to defend that because it really isn't about that, nor is it for her either only she doesn't know it. SHE is the problem! She's rude and nasty and that's all there is to it.

I read another post in this thread that this is a gift. I'm of the same mind, especially since this isn't the first time. You've been given the gift if insight. Insight into her true personality. Sometimes offence is the best defence ie keep your distance. Maybe even tell her or your brother that you'd rather she not come to your house anymore. Or just don't invite her and avoid having her over at any cost.

I have a friend that has made remarks to me like "Who keeps CHICKENS in their backyard?? I mean, who does that? Seriously." It hurt when she said those things to me. Judging by the way she talks about everyone else, I can imagine the way she talks about me behind my back. She's only been to my house once since I've gotten the chickens. Since the last time she's made those comments, I've distanced myself a lot. She's like that with everyone, it's not just me; and that's probably the case with your SIL but you don't have to subject yourself to it. I'd give her nothing if she asks about your animals again. You could either give her a blank stare (as she contemplates whether or not you can see through her attemp at gaining info to spread about you) or just say "everyone's doing well" and silently leave it at that.

Above all else, understand that this isn't about your animals or your chickens. It is about her and her own problems.

 

[12Cackleberries]

I have had similar situations happen also. I have been laughed at, labeled, made fun of and looked down on for being a "dog person." I have been involved with dogs all my life. I have trained, exhibited, professionally handled, joined AKC breed clubs, fostered, involved in a rescue organization, agility and worked for shelters along with doing humane investigations. I am a dog groomer. I am owned by 3 Border Collies, and 2 Shih Tzus and 3 cats that all live indoors.. I love county fairs too. I have so many ribbons from 1st place jams to a Grand Champion Quilt. I love to watch sheep herding trials and find beauty seeing a proud kid with his hen sporting a blue ribbon on her cage while a fresh egg sits under her.

You know, I do what I love and I work from home and I think that's the hang up others have. I have had remarks made by family about me only caring about "those dogs" when I leave family functions earlier than the others do.
I get so much in return from my fur family. They don't care how much I make or if I comb my hair. They don't care about what I drive. They love me back with what most humans aren't capable of giving...unconditional love. From this bond I have learned so much and to be happy with who I am without caring about the haters pointing fingers and snickering from another room. I learned the haters wish they could have what I have, contentment.
I told my daughter I was building a coop to house chickens. Her reply was "WTH do you want to do that for?" I came back with don't you want your 2 and 5 year old kids to learn about responsibility, animal husbandry, healthy food sources and life when you leave them here for me to babysit or should I give them video games that teach them violence and make them fat? She asked if the grandkids could pick names for these chickens!

My home is MY home. It is very clean, warm and mine (and I do comb my hair). I have been fortunate I think, to do what I love and if someone doesn't like it...don't ring the bell cause I'll be tending the chickens!

 

[zzGypsy]

. I know I shouldn't have listened but

um.... why not?
she was in your house, in your basement, in a public area where you had been with her moments earlier... it's not like she was a guest in a private bedroom with the door closed and you listening at the keyhole... the legal term would be "no expectation of privacy". she was in a communal space in your home, where you could reasonably be expected to return...
indeed if she had used half a brain, she would have *expected* to be overheard.

which makes me wonder if she's self-absorbed and without empathy, or if she lacks impulse control, or if she has some underground agenda that is served by having you hear those comments.

She said they were cute and seemed interested in them and ...

this is what I heard- "Those things are so f****** gross! Why would someone ever keep wild animals in their house? They smell like s*** too. All the clothes hanging up there are going to smell terrible when those things finally go outside. Hopefully she doesn't keep all of those- she already has three grown ones outside. I don't understand why someone would want to have such disgusting animals, especially in their home!"

see now that's where it would bother me. I prefer things to be <underneath> the same as they are <on the surface>. if someone were to say "gee they're cute but they kinda stink" I'm all good with it. if they were to say "doesn't the smell get in your clothes?" I'm all good with that too.

but "oh how sweet, how cute... how gross and disgusting, they smell like s*** " ... now that makes me squinty eyed and distrustful because if I *BOUGHT* the how sweet how cute act, I now know I can't trust what she says to reflect what she really thinks. and the degree to which I was fooled by that is the degree to which I could be fooled on more important subjects.

In addition, to imply, quite directly, that there was something *wrong* with me for wanting to keep them... the "why would someone keep those disgusting things" gets mighty close to that territory. to imply that I have no social skills (she's going to wear those stinky clothes), and that I have no judgement (clearly anyone with good judgement wouln't want more than 3)... well that's a whole lot of opinions that are getting mighty personal, and aren't about the chicks at all, but about me.

attitudinally speaking, "I think they're cute but they stink so I wouldn't want to keep them in my house" is a whole lot different than "I find it totally disgusting that you keep them in the house and are going to go around with your close smelling of chicken s*** and I can't understand what's wrong with you that you would do that." it's my opinion that the second statement is pretty close to what was meant.

seriously, someone who has all those kinds of opinions about me... well, they don't need to be in my house. probably not in my social circle in any way at all. people who say one thing to my face, and another about me to my back are not to be trusted. so if it were me, I'd be all done with her. I'd be civil to her in family social settings and that would be the extent of our social interaction. it would be the last time she was in my house... life's too complex already to invite interaction with people who make it harder.

as to what to do at the time... well I'd have to assume, since the setting didn't call for a expectation of privacy, that she expected me to hear her, or at least didn't care if I did or not.

on a good day, I might have taken the high road and turned a cheek, and used the opportunity to educate her on all things chicken.

on a bad day, I might have said "I'm sorry you find them so gross and my judgement so poor. I won't impose on your sensibilities any further. I'll get your coat and see you to the door."

One of the ways people get away with repeated bouts of bad behavior that creates havoc with others is that folks don't call them on it, they just take it and stew about it later. Life's too short. If I've got a useful redirect to apply, I'll use it, otherwise I'll just call it what it is, right there on the spot. they won't find that comfortable, but that's really ok. no need to get in a wresting match with them about it, just call it by it's name and then end the encounter. and then I'll remember who I'm dealing with in the future.

 

[cassie]

um.... why not?
she was in your house, in your basement, in a public area where you had been with her moments earlier... it's not like she was a guest in a private bedroom with the door closed and you listening at the keyhole... the legal term would be "no expectation of privacy". she was in a communal space in your home, where you could reasonably be expected to return...
indeed if she had used half a brain, she would have *expected* to be overheard.

which makes me wonder if she's self-absorbed and without empathy, or if she lacks impulse control, or if she has some underground agenda that is served by having you hear those comments.


see now that's where it would bother me. I prefer things to be <underneath> the same as they are <on the surface>. if someone were to say "gee they're cute but they kinda stink" I'm all good with it. if they were to say "doesn't the smell get in your clothes?" I'm all good with that too.

but "oh how sweet, how cute... how gross and disgusting, they smell like s*** " ... now that makes me squinty eyed and distrustful because if I *BOUGHT* the how sweet how cute act, I now know I can't trust what she says to reflect what she really thinks. and the degree to which I was fooled by that is the degree to which I could be fooled on more important subjects.

In addition, to imply, quite directly, that there was something *wrong* with me for wanting to keep them... the "why would someone keep those disgusting things" gets mighty close to that territory. to imply that I have no social skills (she's going to wear those stinky clothes), and that I have no judgement (clearly anyone with good judgement wouln't want more than 3)... well that's a whole lot of opinions that are getting mighty personal, and aren't about the chicks at all, but about me.

attitudinally speaking, "I think they're cute but they stink so I wouldn't want to keep them in my house" is a whole lot different than "I find it totally disgusting that you keep them in the house and are going to go around with your close smelling of chicken s*** and I can't understand what's wrong with you that you would do that." it's my opinion that the second statement is pretty close to what was meant.

seriously, someone who has all those kinds of opinions about me... well, they don't need to be in my house. probably not in my social circle in any way at all. people who say one thing to my face, and another about me to my back are not to be trusted. so if it were me, I'd be all done with her. I'd be civil to her in family social settings and that would be the extent of our social interaction. it would be the last time she was in my house... life's too complex already to invite interaction with people who make it harder.

as to what to do at the time... well I'd have to assume, since the setting didn't call for a expectation of privacy, that she expected me to hear her, or at least didn't care if I did or not.

on a good day, I might have taken the high road and turned a cheek, and used the opportunity to educate her on all things chicken.

on a bad day, I might have said "I'm sorry you find them so gross and my judgement so poor. I won't impose on your sensibilities any further. I'll get your coat and see you to the door."

One of the ways people get away with repeated bouts of bad behavior that creates havoc with others is that folks don't call them on it, they just take it and stew about it later. Life's too short. If I've got a useful redirect to apply, I'll use it, otherwise I'll just call it what it is, right there on the spot. they won't find that comfortable, but that's really ok. no need to get in a wresting match with them about it, just call it by it's name and then end the encounter. and then I'll remember who I'm dealing with in the future.

X3