(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[RHRanch]

What makes us incompatible, exactly? A bad habit that one of us possesses? I'm sure everyone has bad habits in their lives. Does that mean they aren't able to be compatible with anyone except for those who have the same bad habits? Is it that all relationships involve people with the exact same habits? Maybe some do have similar habits, but couples also can have very different habits as well, varying from minor to major. People are different. That doesn't always mean they're incompatible. And how can I just decide whether we're incompatible or not when we haven't even had a chance to know each other yet? Don't you need to know someone in order to decide whether you're compatible with them or not? What if you really are compatible, but for a flaw or two (in this case, smoking)? Does that mean the rest of the compatibility should be completely forgotten? What I'm trying to say is I don't know whether we're compatible or not. If I don't even know, surely I shouldn't trust that you would know, either (not that you could be right, because for all I know, you very well could be). Sure, smoking is one factor on his part that makes us incompatible. But I don't think compatibility is based solely on ONE thing and one thing only.

Are you okay with him smoking all of his life? With your kids one day learning that he smokes and you ignore it? Are you going to be okay if his use increases (as it is just as likely to do as it is for him to quit, actually more likely that he will use more over time)? Are you okay with the way it damages his body, including the harm to the reproductive system in terms of estrogen in males including the formation of male breasts and problems with reproduction? There are other problems that marijuana use causes, but you get the point.

 

[chickened]

But I feel like people don't just quit things like that for people they don't even know. He only knows that I'm starting to like him. Is that really enough to go through all the trouble of quitting? How does he know I won't just turn around and find someone else by the time he quits, if he decides to? That's right, he doesn't know. So why would he give up something that he (probably) enjoys doing, just for a girl who he barely knows? I just think it's too soon to expect that from him. So, I think I should give him a chance until we trust each other to be able to bring up the topic of quitting. If and only if at that time he refuses to quit, then I'll know whether it's worth my time or not. Maybe I'll get hurt in the end but at least I'll know that I gave it a chance. I'll stand firm in my beliefs, but I won't let my beliefs completely close off opportunities that may be perceived as bad, but could really turn out to be good.

That is just the point.., he doesn't know. He may indeed need the challenge or a reason to quit. Do you want to go through the same experience you had with your ex all over again? Don't you want to be sure? A month is not really that long trust me. I have a feeling he smokes pot because the people he hangs with now do it.

I gave up a few bad habits for a girl that I never knew that well and have been married to her for almost 24 years.

You don't have to out and out ask him to quit but let him know in other ways how you feel about it. You attend church correct? invite him with you, that will show him what you are like and like to do. He may not like you after he gets to know you also. Taking things slow and easy has its built in safeties.

Does this guy have employment or the desire or ability to take you on a bonafide date? This was a big factor with the better girls I dated. Do you feel comfortable introducing this guy to your parents? Will he look them in the eye and talk to them or rather just mumble something? I have two boys 16 and 20 and I can tell in about a 2 minute conversation with their buddies which of their friends I can trust and which ones I need to watch. So far I have been pretty accurate in my assessments.

A good, smart, ambitious young man worth having usually doesn't have the time to hang out and/or smoke dope, he is too busy working and utilizing his time wisely.

 

[77horses]

I think I'm just making this all too complicated as it is. Overthinking everything is (as far as I know) what got me where I am in the first place. I'm not intending to get married to anyone right now. Time for that will come later. So why am I taking all this so seriously? What happened to just dating someone and caring for someone and just living life without constantly thinking and evaluating every single detail and intention? I know it's good to evaluate your choices before you make a decision, but there's a point where you just need to go with what seems right to you. No one knows how it will turn out and none of us can see into the future, no matter how much I consider and reconsider all the possible outcomes. So why am I trying so hard to figure all this out and plan ahead before even giving myself a chance to just enjoy things as they unfold, whether they turn out good or bad? I feel like sometimes, no matter how much wisdom and advice people offer you, in the end you need to make your own decision based on what you think is the right thing to do.

I don't even knowwwwww.

 

[77horses]

Are you okay with him smoking all of his life? With your kids one day learning that he smokes and you ignore it? Are you going to be okay if his use increases (as it is just as likely to do as it is for him to quit, actually more likely that he will use more over time)? Are you okay with the way it damages his body, including the harm to the reproductive system in terms of estrogen in males including the formation of male breasts and problems with reproduction? There are other problems that marijuana use causes, but you get the point.

Who said I was going to know him all my life? Who said we were even going to get married? Haha, I mean I'm all for planning ahead and finding "the one", but there's nothing wrong with not thinking ahead that far and instead just enjoying spending time with someone here and now and see where it goes.

 

[chickened]

I think I'm just making this all too complicated as it is. Overthinking everything is (as far as I know) what got me where I am in the first place. I'm not intending to get married to anyone right now. Time for that will come later. So why am I taking all this so seriously? What happened to just dating someone and caring for someone and just living life without constantly thinking and evaluating every single detail and intention? I know it's good to evaluate your choices before you make a decision, but there's a point where you just need to go with what seems right to you. No one knows how it will turn out and none of us can see into the future, no matter how much I consider and reconsider all the possible outcomes. So why am I trying so hard to figure all this out and plan ahead before even giving myself a chance to just enjoy things as they unfold, whether they turn out good or bad? I feel like sometimes, no matter how much wisdom and advice people offer you, in the end you need to make your own decision based on what you think is the right thing to do.

I don't even knowwwwww.

Sometimes just waiting answers a lot of questions. Please just be patient about all this.

Most of us here just want to see you spared some grief.

 

[RHRanch]

Who said I was going to know him all my life? Who said we were even going to get married? Haha, I mean I'm all for planning ahead and finding "the one", but there's nothing wrong with not thinking ahead that far and instead just enjoying spending time with someone here and now and see where it goes.

Well life is what happens when we are making other plans.... You need to be more careful about what you invite into your life because you might have to put up with it for a long time.

 

[77horses]

That is just the point.., he doesn't know. He may indeed need the challenge or a reason to quit. Do you want to go through the same experience you had with your ex all over again? Don't you want to be sure? A month is not really that long trust me. I have a feeling he smokes pot because the people he hangs with now do it.

I gave up a few bad habits for a girl that I never knew that well and have been married to her for almost 24 years.

You don't have to out and out ask him to quit but let him know in other ways how you feel about it. You attend church correct? invite him with you, that will show him what you are like and like to do. He may not like you after he gets to know you also. Taking things slow and easy has its built in safeties.

Does this guy have employment or the desire or ability to take you on a bonafide date? This was a big factor with the better girls I dated. Do you feel comfortable introducing this guy to your parents? Will he look them in the eye and talk to them or rather just mumble something? I have two boys 16 and 20 and I can tell in about a 2 minute conversation with their buddies which of their friends I can trust and which ones I need to watch. So far I have been pretty accurate in my assessments.

A good, smart, ambitious young man worth having usually doesn't have the time to hang out and/or smoke dope, he is too busy working and utilizing his time wisely.

I know some of the people he hangs out with, so yeah I'm pretty sure he does smoke just because of them.

And yes, as I said if I pursue this relationship I do plan on inviting him to church/youthgroup with me. But that won't happen if I just forget about him and the idea of pursuing a relationship with him, as some of you have suggested, just because he smokes.

He does have a summer job. But honestly I couldn't answer all those other questions because, as I said a few times before, I don't know him well enough yet. But, like I said, I'll never know him well enough to be able to answer those questions if I just forget about the idea of pursuing a relationship with him, like some of you have suggested, just because he smokes. Starting to see a trend yet..?

You're right, usually a good, smart, ambitious man worth having doesn't have time to smoke and stuff because he is too busy doing other productive things and using his time wisely. But, does that mean all men who smoke, even those who smoke just a little and are otherwise great men, are not worth having? Again, I believe you shouldn't determine someones worth based on one factor. One factor, such as a bad habit, shouldn't outweigh everything else. That's just my opinion.

 

[77horses]

Sometimes just waiting answers a lot of questions. Please just be patient about all this.

Most of us here just want to see you spared some grief.

I know, and I am trying to be patient and wait. I feel like I know when to wait and when the time to not wait is over. Sometimes if you just wait around too long, you'll miss opportunities. I'm trying to be patient and wait, but at the same time, there are other things happening, such as this guy, that I can't just sit back and do nothing about.

 

[77horses]

Well life is what happens when we are making other plans.... You need to be more careful about what you invite into your life because you might have to put up with it for a long time.

True. I am trying to be more careful, it's just the part about deciding what I should invite into my life and what I shouldn't invite into my life (based on all this advice, my own experiences, etc.) that makes it so difficult to do.

 

[redhen]

77,.. its how you learn life lessons. Theres no other way to go about it...live and learn.
We only are saying these things to you because we have already done it 20 years ago and know how it usually ends up...
Its your choice... do what you think is right for you.,.