(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[CCreech]

You don't GIVE him a chance. HE has to EARN a chance.

 

[chickened]

Young men smoking weed is a result of a larger problem... making bad choices in life.

You have stated that you have boundaries and morals that you try and live by. You are now considering breaking those boundaries for what? something you are not sure about? or something you know is not right? I see this as something similar that I struggle with... going shopping when I am hungry, I buy the worst crap that I really do not want or need or is not good for me. Now when I go shopping when I am not hungry I just buy what I need and planned to buy. See the similarities? Which is better? Desire is a powerful thing, it can make people do irrational things when they know better.

I am sure there is someone out there for you, you should stick to what you know is right and be patient.

And for what it is worth most of the guys that smoked dope that I knew in high school have been married and divorced at least once and have nothing.

 

[chickened]

You don't GIVE him a chance. HE has to EARN a chance.

This is very good advice and very true.

You owe him nothing and you should be worth his effort.

 

[77horses]

You don't GIVE him a chance. HE has to EARN a chance.

How exactly can he "earn" a chance?

 

[chickened]

How exactly can he "earn" a chance?

Tell him you do not date potheads. If he comes to you in say a month and says he quit then maybe date him. Otherwise keep yourself unhitched. Let him know in no uncertain terms you will dump him if he starts. Be firm in what you believe.

 

[77horses]

Tell him you do not date potheads. If he comes to you in say a month and says he quit then maybe date him. Otherwise keep yourself unhitched. Let him know in no uncertain terms you will dump him if he starts. Be firm in what you believe.

But I feel like people don't just quit things like that for people they don't even know. He only knows that I'm starting to like him. Is that really enough to go through all the trouble of quitting? How does he know I won't just turn around and find someone else by the time he quits, if he decides to? That's right, he doesn't know. So why would he give up something that he (probably) enjoys doing, just for a girl who he barely knows? I just think it's too soon to expect that from him. So, I think I should give him a chance until we trust each other to be able to bring up the topic of quitting. If and only if at that time he refuses to quit, then I'll know whether it's worth my time or not. Maybe I'll get hurt in the end but at least I'll know that I gave it a chance. I'll stand firm in my beliefs, but I won't let my beliefs completely close off opportunities that may be perceived as bad, but could really turn out to be good.

 

[RHRanch]

But I feel like people don't just quit things like that for people they don't even know. He only knows that I'm starting to like him. Is that really enough to go through all the trouble of quitting? How does he know I won't just turn around and find someone else by the time he quits, if he decides to? That's right, he doesn't know. So why would he give up something that he (probably) enjoys doing, just for a girl who he barely knows? I just think it's too soon to expect that from him. So, I think I should give him a chance until we trust each other to be able to bring up the topic of quitting. If and only if at that time he refuses to quit, then I'll know whether it's worth my time or not. Maybe I'll get hurt in the end but at least I'll know that I gave it a chance. I'll stand firm in my beliefs, but I won't let my beliefs completely close off opportunities that may be perceived as bad, but could really turn out to be good.

It is worse to date him then try to change him or get him to do what you want later on. Unfair, even. You need to date people who you are happy with everything you know about them when you start dating, otherwise you are setting yourself and others up for disappointment and unhappiness. dating is to find out if you are compatible with someonbe, you have just found out you are not compatible, but instead of accepting that , you are insistent on deepening the realationship with someone you are incompatible with.

 

[77horses]

It is worse to date him then try to change him or get him to do what you want later on. Unfair, even. You need to date people who you are happy with everything you know about them when you start dating, otherwise you are setting yourself and others up for disappointment and unhappiness. dating is to find out if you are compatible with someonbe, you have just found out you are not compatible, but instead of accepting that , you are insistent on deepening the realationship with someone you are incompatible with.

What makes us incompatible, exactly? A bad habit that one of us possesses? I'm sure everyone has bad habits in their lives. Does that mean they aren't able to be compatible with anyone except for those who have the same bad habits? Is it that all relationships involve people with the exact same habits? Maybe some do have similar habits, but couples also can have very different habits as well, varying from minor to major. People are different. That doesn't always mean they're incompatible. And how can I just decide whether we're incompatible or not when we haven't even had a chance to know each other yet? Don't you need to know someone in order to decide whether you're compatible with them or not? What if you really are compatible, but for a flaw or two (in this case, smoking)? Does that mean the rest of the compatibility should be completely forgotten? What I'm trying to say is I don't know whether we're compatible or not. If I don't even know, surely I shouldn't trust that you would know, either (not that you could be right, because for all I know, you very well could be). Sure, smoking is one factor on his part that makes us incompatible. But I don't think compatibility is based solely on ONE thing and one thing only.

 

[MamaRoo]

But I feel like people don't just quit things like that for people they don't even know. He only knows that I'm starting to like him. Is that really enough to go through all the trouble of quitting? How does he know I won't just turn around and find someone else by the time he quits, if he decides to? That's right, he doesn't know. So why would he give up something that he (probably) enjoys doing, just for a girl who he barely knows? I just think it's too soon to expect that from him. So, I think I should give him a chance until we trust each other to be able to bring up the topic of quitting. If and only if at that time he refuses to quit, then I'll know whether it's worth my time or not. Maybe I'll get hurt in the end but at least I'll know that I gave it a chance. I'll stand firm in my beliefs, but I won't let my beliefs completely close off opportunities that may be perceived as bad, but could really turn out to be good.

People don't quit things for other people. They do it because they've made a decision to change their lives.

I agree with RHR. Respect him enough to accept him for who he is, or leave him alone and let him find someone who thinks he's awesome just as he is.

 

[77horses]

People don't quit things for other people. They do it because they've made a decision to change their lives.

I agree with RHR. Respect him enough to accept him for who he is, or leave him alone and let him find someone who thinks he's awesome just as he is.

True...But I do accept him for who he is, or who I know him to be thus far. I accept that he doesn't have the best habits. (Really, who does? We all have one bad habit or another). What I wouldn't accept is if he tried to make his bad habits part of my habits. Which he said he wouldn't do. So, as far as I'm concerned, I accept that he has his own choices, even if they aren't all that great. Just because you have a possible influence on someone doesn't mean you don't accept them. It's all based on intentions.