Facing a major life decision, how to deal with negative people?

[ducks4you]

Your mother is 58. I will be 53 in December. Your mother is a control-freak. I am very sorry that she has health issues, but everybody has a choice to be considerate or to act ugly. Here is my advice.
I agree with Ewesheep--move out. It is not any easy decision, but your kids will thank you for it later. I understand why you moved away from Chicago, because I grew up in the South Suburbs. It HAS gotten very dangerous there.
Quote:
You are NOT going to get a better deal. I work in Urbana, and DH and I live 22 SE of Urbana. What town is it? If it's close, I'm sure I know where this is.
Move ASAP. When you get moved, consider what animals are valuable to you. You are not in a financial position to afford a lot of pets. C-U is not totally recession-proof, but it isn't impossible to find a job. All of the people who live outlying work in town, anyway, except for the farmers. Whatever you choose to do, I'll be praying for you.

 

[BlackBart]

You have taken the first step in realizing that there are negative people in your life.
This website www.outofthefog.net has tools that will help you create healthy boundaries. Lots of very good reading and a forum as well. Good luck

 

[phaethona]

That's a really tough spot to be in, I can't say that I can relate 100 percent, but I have stayed in bad situations because of guilt. but the good news is there's a way out. Ultimately you and your mother do love each other dearly, you want the best for each other and your kids, whether it shows on a daily basis or not. She probably wants to see you and the kids thrive even if it means not living there anymore, of course she may get mad or feel betrayed, somewhere in her heart of hearts she would be proud to see you making a better life for yourself and the kids and that will eventually prevail over the anger. Take whatever guilt you harbor at the idea of leaving her and compare it to the guilt you would have for keeping the kids there and being miserable throughout their childhood. As long as you're so unhappy, you're not giving the kiddos 100 percent of their mom. I know it's anything but easy to make such a big transition, but you need out, you need another chance at building a happy environment for you and the kids. Maybe you could do a little research(if you get time) on what resources may be available in the area for her after you're gone. I know not many people like asking the government or other organizations for help, but it sounds like she would be a candidate for some kind of help, and that might help you with the guilt. Personally, I think she'll be mad at first "well, who's gonna_______?" kinda thing, but once she realizes that she can still take care of herself, it may give her a sense of confidence and she may find better ways to live besides on the couch or on the computer. Something to remember is that as long as you all are there, there is 0 chance of her waking up one day and deciding to be the sweet and loving grandma and mother she should be, but if you change the situation and improve on the quality of life for you and the kids, there's a much better chance that she would be less miserable too. I would DEFINITELY take up the offer on the trailer, but I would also look for a plan B somewhere else still close to town(so job opportunities are more plentiful) because the last thing you want to do is prepare everyone and everything to leave, and then have to come back because things fell through, that would be an invitation for a whole lot of "I told ya so"s and it comprimises your integrity.
Guilt is a very hard thing, and you'll probably have some up until the time you see everyone doing well, recognize it, and work through it with logical thinking, but most importantly, don't let it dictate your decisions. Follow your instincts about the lives your kids could be living. They deserve to feel safe(emotionally and physically), loved, and respected, and if that's not how they feel there, it's time to hit the road. Use any extra time you may have to be resourceful, find out what help there is out there for you and the kids. Here they have whats called Vocational Rehab, where financial help is given to individuals who are in tough situations who want to go back to work or school. Have a plan, and have a plan for when that plan doesn't work out. And keep your eye on the goal, you and the kids in a happy home where they're comfortable, have more opportunities, and the chance to have the kind of relationship with your mom that they deserve.
Good luck to you, stand firm in your beliefs, and don't let fear or guilt whittle away at your strength.

 

[Katy]

OK.....am I missing the part where she's actually talked to her friend's friend and been offered the trailer? It isn't the friend's trailer...correct?

 

[sunnychooks]

I didn't read all the posts but here is my 2 cents.

Forget about the trailer until it actually becomes a reality. You must contact you friend's friend because until you do someone else (your friend) has the responsiblity of controlling your future (or not).

Look for a place closer to town. If this means placing your animals, so be it. Your children are your primary concern. There will also be more opportunity for employment and the use of mass transit.

Find a place close to your new home for your mother to move into. If she is telling you that you need to give her $25,000 to move away, she probably cannot afford to stay there on her own and she knows it. She'll be close if she needs you but will not be close enough to totally control your life and actions.

And as someone already suggested, contact Social Services for help and advice. In 6 months you will have your degree and can start looking for meaningful employment. Are you employed now? If not, SS may be able to help.

Good luck.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

The lady that owns the trailer is a dear friend of my friend, and has already been informed of my situation. I am not acting like the trailer is a given. It's just an opportunity that has come up, and when the current tenants move out and I get official word, that's when I'll start acting. But not until then. My friend is very active in her community, in her church, and has a lot of connections. The lady with the trailer is one of those connections. She also told me that there would be assistance to help me go shopping, plant a garden, etc. What I need to be self sustaining.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a clean freak. I do clean, and before my accident, I was a vaccum freak, vacuuming every day and constantly cleaning tables, counters, etc. But I've been in constant pain since the accident, and yesterday I seriously overdid it when I tried to lift feed bags at the store. I shouldn't be lifting, but it needed to get done, and my back is killing me worse than ever, and my right leg is cold and numb. If I take it easy, the swelling will go down and the pain will go down some. Standing for long periods of time hurts, even sitting up can hurt, so I'm limited in how I can clean. Personally, I just want to toss everything that is of no use or is broken, but of course then people start complaining, and the stuff lingers. So I toss stuff now when no one is looking. Going out to burn clothing later this weekend because our washing machine broke close to a year ago now and the dirty laundry piled up fast, so we stored all the dirty clothes on the uninsulated sun porch, and well, the moisture out there was bad, and we didn't realize it would be, and the clothes got mildewed really bad. There's no car, and now no wagon, to get them to the dumpster, so we decided to burn them. It's less to drag with me later, and less to have to wash. I'm going to go through all my belongings over the next few weeks and see what I really want to keep, and what is expendable.

Growing up, my grandmother did all the cleaning. She vacuumed, she made beds, she dusted, did dishes, you name it, she did it. She kept all the bedrooms clean and spotless and prepared all the meals. In 1993 my grandmother suffered a massive stroke. My mother suddenly became the caregiver, and between her and I we continued to keep the house spotless. In 1997 I met my childrens' father and I moved out and into my own apartment with him, leaving my mother alone with my grandmother. My kids father would bring homemade meals over to the house and check on my grandmother every day, and in May of 1998, my grandmother passed away. My mother sunk into an awful depression after my grandmother died. I was pregnant with my older DD at the time, and I watched my mother just begin to fade away. She had never in her life lived alone, and she suddenly found herself all alone. Shortly after my grandmother died I began to have problems with my job, and then with the pregnancy, and then my kids' father lost his job, and a series of events began to happen that left us really hurting. My mother begged us to move back to the house, and we conceded since I couldn't get a job while I was having a difficult pregnancy, and as the pregnancy progressed, I needed more and more medical care and supervision, so when I was nearly 8 months pregnant, we packed up everything in our apartment and moved back. We moved upstairs, into my old bedroom and had the entire second floor to ourselves. Things were ok even after the baby came. As the baby got bigger, and became mobile, of course toys got scattered, or the dishes weren't instantly done after every meal. Then I found out I was pregnant again. I had even more complications with the second pregnancy, including a torn uteran ligament, and contractions that started at 3 1/2 months and lasted til she was born. Then the baby had physical complications, and needed therapy, and my existing depression sunk even lower, and I was put on medication for the first time in my life, but it just made me sleepy. I got a job, but worked long hours, so I tried to clean before work, but would spend what little time I had with my babies when I got home before putting them to bed, and then collapse into bed myself. The medicine I was on made me so sleepy that I could sleep up to 16 hours at a stretch. I took myself off of it because I couldn't handle being so tired with two babies. My relationship with my kids' father was rocky almost from the get go, and he began to spend as much time out of the house as he possibly could. I moved down to the first floor with my kids, and when my company began to shut down sites, I was laid off. Out of work, I became a stay at home mom. I tried hard to keep the house clean and keep up with two busy toddlers. In 2004 their father and I split for good, and I looked around for work, and since my kids were so small still, we looked into child care. Where we lived at the time, not a single place or person quoted me less than $1000 a month. I couldn't find any work that paid more than minimum wage at the time, and so my mom and I discussed it and decided that I should stay home until she retired. So I did. But things got worse once she did. Bills piled up, the mortgage became too much, and we were all stressed out. Then a series of crimes occurred in our neighborhood, and we decided it was time to move and find a more affordable place to live. We went from a 1500 sq ft house at $1300 a month mortgage, to a 2,000 sq ft house at $550 a month rent. And the first year here was good. I found a job, the house stayed pretty clean, but we've accumulated crap, and she has brought cats in, and while I admit I've found dogs, I also turned right around and rehomed those dogs. She brought two more dogs in, one of which she bought, and it's more difficult keeping up after the animals than it is after us. Everyone here plays the blame game, but she really is the worst at it. According to her the cats are MY fault, though I didn't bring any of them in. My kids did bring in a bunch while I was at work, but since she was the adult in charge it was her job to tell them to return them to where they found them. With my mom, the moment she lays eyes on a cat in need, she latches onto it and you CANNOT take it away from her until she is ready to have it taken away. She is just now, a full year later, realizing how overwhelmed she is, and I've been slowing pushing her to get rid of some, and she is finally at a point where she is willing to get rid of a bunch. I've lived with her long enough to know how to push her without causing her to explode, and it has taken me this long to get her to realize that we are overwhelmed. We love animals, but I seriously don't love THIS many cats. If I can get a ride to a shelter, I plan to bring most of the cats so they can get fixed and find new homes. We keep the males separated from the females because we don't want to perpetuate the cycle. But it's bankrupting us trying to feed them. I already know I need to downsize if I want to move out. I'm only bringing my two chihuahuas, and 2 cats. Oh, and the best animals of all- my kids! And about 1/3 of my current flock. Enough so that I have eggs to eat and maybe a few more to sell. I budgeted down to the exact penny what I would need to live comfortably, so I know how many chickens I can comfortably keep. We're talking about bringing in a dumpster so that we can toss everything that we no longer need or want, and to get rid of any garbage. I think that will help us out immensely. And then I plan to start repairing all the things that are falling apart here so that if my mom does decide to move later, she won't have issues with the current landlord who is the perfect definition of a slum lord.

I suspect that if my mom sees me happy and successful in a new home, she will come around and want to at the very least, move closer to us. I am her only child, so I have her only grandchildren. As much of a loner as my mom is, she misses us whenever we're away from her. If she were to get a car she'd probably be at my house several times a week, and calling every day. But we do need to sort a lot of things out and come to an understanding. I'm going to ask my friend exactly how sure she is that I could get that trailer. I also need to budget my mom's money just so she can see exactly what she will have to work with once I leave. I want her to see exactly how much money she will have so that she will know if she can make it here, or if she needs to move to a smaller place. If she needs a smaller place, there is an available house two doors down, not that she'd seriously consider it, she hates that house. I briefly considered it, but truthfully, it does me no good to move within this town when there are still no jobs!

Today she woke up, watched a couple of movies on my laptop, and then came into the living room and parked herself on the couch where she has sat since 10 am watching DIY shows. She decided to make dinner tonight, which surprised me. She makes dinner about once a week, maybe twice. My older DD makes it the rest of the time. And she does that because she likes to cook. But we monitor her and constantly remind her that she is cooking. The kid are expected to let out all dogs, feed them, feed the cats, clean the cat pans, do the dishes, clean the rooms, and the list goes on. My mom won't even go get herself a drink, she calls for the girls to do it. If they don't do what she wants fast enough, and they never do, she yells at me and tells me that I better start acting like their mother and MAKE them do it. I had chores when I was a kid. I did dishes, I let the dogs out, I made my bed, etc. My grandma did the rest though. I think my mom is so used to being taken care of that she has come to expect it. Yes, she does clean, but the house has to get really bad before she will. She also rips into me because of my health problems. She thinks I caused half of them and that I'm exaggerating about the rest. I swallowed bleach when I was 2, ended up in the ER, got my stomach pumped, and it has left me with a very sensitive stomach that has steadily gotten worse over the years. Now, there is so much that gives me heartburn or makes me nauseous, but she accuses me of just being picky. If I bend over, I literally throw up. I've had my stomach contents come pouring out my nose, but I'm just making up excuses to not have to pick stuff up off the floor. In 2003 I took a really bad fall that left me with nerve damage in all four limbs, and some sensation loss in a couple of toes and part of one leg. Then, in 2006 my hands swelled up terribly, and hurt so bad that I was in tears, so I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with more nerve damage in my hands and wrists. I also am prone to ganglion cysts in my wrists, and I have one in my left wrist right now, and no, they are not the simple fluid filled ones. These deal with the tendons and muscles. The nerve damage in my hands has gotten worse and I don't have good use of my right thumb anymore. I function fine with 9 usable fingers, and I still type fast, and it's a good thing I'm left handed. But I do have weakness in my right hand, and when I drop things, she yells at me for being clumbsy. She thinks I don't really have depression, she does admit my older daughter has ADD, but she refuses to acknowledge my younger daughter's problems and says she's just a brat. She uses worse language than the word brat most of the time though. I also suffered a bad ear infection when I was 10 and she refused to take me to the doctor for it until I had a high fever and my jaw locked and my grandmother was yelling at her to take me. I suffered hearing loss in that ear. When I was 14 a bully at school jumped me and hit me so hard in the ear she perforated that same ear drum. Further hearing loss. Add to that the hearing loss that my entire family suffers, and well, I sometimes have trouble making out what people are saying. I also suffer from vertigo as a result, and she didn't take that seriously until 2 summers ago when I got hit with my worst dizzy spell ever, and I took a header into a side table. I tried to brace my fall and cracked my wrist so hard I nearly broke it. She and my kids had to pick me up off the floor, I scared them so bad. She thinks everyone is just trying to get something from her, and is very distrusting of most people. Sometimes I wonder how it is that I grew up as her child when I am so different from her. I have no problem with working hard, and once I finish this degree and I can get a good job, I plan to get insurance and get my own health taken care of so that I am around for a long time for my kids. I may sound like I'm falling apart, but truthfully, I feel pretty good.

Dinner is on the table, and it's one of the only times we're all together and can talk, so I will try to broach the subject again. Pray that there will be no blow ups!

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

I am sorry, i havent read all of the posts in this thread.

I do agree with wait untilt he trailer is a reality. your obligation is only to your agreement on the house agreement with your mother. If you cant take it anymore, move otu and salvage the relationship.


Other than that... all i can see is gross maggot ridden floating garbage in the flooded basement! GET THAT TAKEN CARE OF! until you get the house under control ill just advise you not to even mess with social services... you could be opening a can of worms here.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

Quote:
Oh no, the bags aren't sitting in water. They're at the bottom of the stairs, on pallets, and the water didn't get the whole basement. It flooded in the back room with several inches of water, and by the outside door. There's a downgrade as you enter the basement from the outside and we had big puddles, deep in some spots, none at all in other spots. Our basement floods really weird. But the back drain clogged, so the water didn't drain in the back room. Our house is super old, built in 1901 I believe, and the concrete foundation and flooring in the basement are powdering, and no matter how much I was vacuuming and sweeping, there was always a ton more, and it clogged the drains. There are also spots in the basement where the floor just seems to have completely come up. But the bags are not in water and do not contain food. I refuse to let anyone put bags with food in them down there.

Ok, well, I tried to bring the subject up again at dinner since the mood was actually pretty good. Boy, did THAT mood go downhill fast. She tried to start raising her voice and I asked kindly for her to lower it, but she was still really mad. I asked her if she remembered our previous conversation about the trailer, and she said yes, and that she didn't want it. I said I know, but I do. Then she tried to say that I had made a promise to get work when we moved here, and she's right, I did, but we had a car then, and I pointed that out to her, and she blew up. At that point she got up and left the table, and the subject was over. I wasn't pushing her any further. Seriously, I don't know what to do. I want to cry. I NEED to be closer to jobs and people that can help me when I need help, and we're not getting that here. I'm going to try to budget and see what she would need to live without me and the kids here. This entire topic has me exhausted. I just don't know how to tackle the subject anymore with her. She seems to expect me to stay here, get a job, and we'll all live happily ever after, and that's just not going to happen. Not unless I get ready to walk 40 miles EVERY DAY. I am so frustrated right now...

 

[Boyd]

The hardest thing for a parent to do is to let a kid go... But you just make sure that's what you really want to do.. that way there is NO guilt about the situation. You'll bring her with you if she wants.. if she doesn't, well that's her business.

Honestly Chris, I've built houses before, done remodels, kitchens bathrooms n such.. It would take a lot of money to get yours back into a like new condition. It's an older farmhouse that your landlord has let go slowly over the years. It's not a project I'd tackle with a limited fixed income

I'd instead spend some $$ on getting some sort of transportation.

 

[noodleroo]

What I see from your posts is fear. Fear is holding you back, resonating in your body and mind, keeping you hurt. Your body will heal. Eat fresh foods, drink clean water, breathe clean air and move your body parts, preferably in circular motions.

Change your attitude and expect the best for yourself. I can tell by your posts that you already know what you have to do. Now go do it.