Fake positivity free zone

[sourland]

I don't think that it's fair to berate people for things that they have no control over, but doing so seems to be part of human nature, so it seems like somewhat of a paradox.

Again I find something to agree with. It can take time, especially if these people are family members, but these are the folks that I have learned to dissassociate (is that a word?) from.

 

[Ursuline Chick]

My husband suffers from schizoaffective disorder. Is that relevant here? I believe so. When he’s down there’s no pulling him out and the positivity of others actually makes it worse. He has to overcome his demons himself. Someone telling him “its going to be okay, just be positive, every day is special” and so on makes it worse. Does he need to hear the truth when he’s down and manic? Yes. Otherwise the voices, the ones the megication doesn’t drown out, overcome him. For people with mental disorders, even severe anxiety, giving false positivity can be detrimental. Not always and not in every case. But you never know.

Please look up serviam, I truly think if you practiced this (and it sounds like you already do) it will help you and your husband. I am truly sorry to hear about your husband. I know how hard this can be on a family, as my Uncle suffered from the same thing. He was a lovely, wonderful man when things went well, but put his family through hell in the bad times. I am not advocating that you pat him on the head and expect that things will all be okay, life isn't fair like that. Sometimes caretakers need someone to take care of them from time to time. You may wish to check out how y0u can take a break, so that you can come back and resume your duties a little more relaxed. Remember, BOTH of you are important. Being a caretaker for a loved one is truly one of the hardest and most taxing jobs there are. Good luck to you.

 

[Smileybans]

Please look up serviam, I truly think if you practiced this (and it sounds like you already do) it will help you and your husband. I am truly sorry to hear about your husband. I know how hard this can be on a family, as my Uncle suffered from the same thing. He was a lovely, wonderful man when things went well, but put his family through hell in the bad times. I am not advocating that you pat him on the head and expect that things will all be okay, life isn't fair like that. Sometimes caretakers need someone to take care of them from time to time. You may wish to check out how y0u can take a break, so that you can come back and resume your duties a little more relaxed. Remember, BOTH of you are important. Being a caretaker for a loved one is truly one of the hardest and most taxing jobs there are. Good luck to you.

I did look the word up and what came up was a Wikipedia thing about “I will serve.” Is that the right thing? I wasn’t sure how that was relevant here. But I didn't dig too deep into it.
I appreciate your kind words since they do ring true for me. He is a completely different person when he’s down and it is hell. I never thought of myself as a caretaker but that’s probably a close word for it when times are tough.

 

[Matejka]

Thus is a true story about me.
Attitude.
20+ years ago, I was at Sunday dinner with the inlaws. Every week, 50 to 70 people for Sunday dinner.
3 sil, bil their spouses and kids-now grand kids and greats-almost 100, not every week as mil is now 86.
However, this weekend sil Nancy shoes up after church. She was stunning, had lost weight, hair make-up, dress right above her knee,she was beautiful.
EVERYONE immediately started degrading her.,
YOU WENT TO CHURCH LIKE THAT
GARY LET YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE DRESSED THAT WAY??
WHAT WERE/ARE YOU THINKING?
etc....
The entire visit, they were making ugly negative comments. I sat there with mouth open listening to the bull.
When she was leaving, almost in tears, u followed her outside and talked. I told her she was beautiful, congrats on weight loss, and that family was jealous she had succeeded looked so good.
I started paying close attention bon Sundays.
The entire family has a negative attitude-about everything.
I decided I didn't want to like that, and started working on CHANGING MY attitude and outlook on life.
Everyday, I find something beautiful and enjoy it. Baby calf drinking milk, flower, green grass, picture, blue sky.
I've changed, no longer under a gray dark cloud. I smile more, I also try to pay it forward and compliment others.
There is do much ugly and hate in our world, we need that ray of sunshine. If I come across as fake I'm sorry.
I've had more than my share of tragedy and gray days.
Spouse passed in 2014 at age of 57
Son died in accident in 2016 at age 26
And more.
I try to stay positive about life-its hard-but I need that ray of sunshine.

 

[Ursuline Chick]

I did look the word up and what came up was a Wikipedia thing about “I will serve.” Is that the right thing? I wasn’t sure how that was relevant here. But I didn't dig too deep into it.
I appreciate your kind words since they do ring true for me. He is a completely different person when he’s down and it is hell. I never thought of myself as a caretaker but that’s probably a close word for it when times are tough.

@Smileybans You do serve, your husband and your fellow man. It is a simple way of making the world a better place, one tiny step or piece at a time. I believe you are his caretaker, as you not only care for him when times are bad, but you watch when things are good for that small thing that will make the good times change and go away. You are always on alert. Give yourself credit for all you do to serve. And recognize all the good you are doing.
As a Registered Nurse, please find a way to give yourself a break if you can when you need it. there are organizations who provide long weekend breaks, overseen by nurses and nurses' aids.

 

[Cazook]

There's a difference between realistic optimism and delusional optimism.

what does this mean? isn't optimism basically a hope that things will turn out in a positive way? it can't be either 'realistic' or 'delusional' because it's describing something that hasn't actually happened yet.

 

[CarpCharacin]

what does this mean? isn't optimism basically a hope that things will turn out in a positive way? it can't be either 'realistic' or 'delusional' because it's describing something that hasn't actually happened yet.

Past events can be used to get an idea of whether a goal or expectation is realistic or not, I thought this was obvious. For example, it'd be very unrealistic to believe that a child of extremely low intelligence has a chance at becoming a doctor or an engineer one day, and more realistic to believe that he'll eventually learn how to dress himself, use the bathroom on his own, etc.

 

[Hilltop Flock]

It’s important to find balance in your perspective so you can make decisions out of choice rather than reaction.

Acknowledging things might not go my way sets up realistic expectations.

Realizing people make mistakes, but it’s usually not the end of the world, let’s us be free from undue blame or guilt.

Also, sometimes people just want to hear, “Yeah, you got yourself in a real pickle there.” As opposed to “You can do this!!!!”

“It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life.” Tolkien

Life isn’t just about achievements!

 

[Chicalina]

Because it's false. There are many, many, many examples of entirely uncontrollable life circumstances rendering one's life shitty. Some people recover, and some don't. Those who don't shouldn't be automatically blamed for it, as a substantial portion of the variance in personality is heritable and providing a case study of someone recovering from an equally bad or worse situation definitely doesn't prove that anyone could do it. Many individuals with better circumstances refuse to accept this, as doing so would potentially lead to a grimmer worldview.

I agree with this. It is easy to judge others, especially when you've never had to go through the same situation, but also even when you've suffered hardship yourself, for example:

A woman escapes an abusive marriage and makes a new life for herself, ergo anyone can escape an abusive marriage and make a new life for themselves, like it's easy or doable for all. Not everyone has the same internal coping resources, external support, finances, mental energy, health, etc to do that. Strong people can be beaten down by their circumstances and not see a way out. That doesn't make them lazy, inept, incapable, it just means they need extra support to make changes, and often it isn't there.

I know that at least some people can be genuinely kind. I think the BS can generally be divided into two categories: stuff that is knowingly fake and said by people who are trying to make themselves look good, and stuff that's genuinely believed but grossly unrealistic.

I don't agree with this bilateral assessment. There are many different forms of BS!

Yes there are the people trying to make themselves look good. I think there are also those who do it to make themselves feel better, and those who are pretending to the world that they are doing great when they really aren't. That is a sad, because they feel they have to fake it because underneath they are insecure, unhappy, feeling low, etc etc.

 

[CarpCharacin]

I don't agree with this bilateral assessment. There are many different forms of BS!

Yes there are the people trying to make themselves look good. I think there are also those who do it to make themselves feel better, and those who are pretending to the world that they are doing great when they really aren't. That is a sad, because they feel they have to fake it because underneath they are insecure, unhappy, feeling low, etc etc.

The two I mentioned just seem to be the most common, at least from what I've seen. And people pretending that they're doing great are also doing it for the sake of appearances.