Farm chatter

[ChickForLife]

I edited it a bit. I would definitely read a book like that!

What would you edit?

 

[ChickForLife]

I edited it a bit. I would definitely read a book like that!

Thanks!

 

[HappyDuckie]

What would you edit?

Just some grammatical errors, and a few things that will make it easier to read.

 

[ChickForLife]

Just a few grammatical errors, and a few things that will make it easier to read.

Like...

 

[HappyDuckie]

Like...

I already edited it. This is what you wrote:
I stepped onto the bus feeling happy. The sun was out and it was warm. Warm like one of those days in late spring where you can just smell the air and know that it is going to be a great day. I greeted the bus driver with a hello and skipped to my seat. On the way people kept staring at me smugly, but I had no care today so I just brushed it off plopping into my seat and beginning to read.
This is the edited version:
I stepped onto the bus feeling happy. The sun was out and it was warm. Warm like one of those days in late spring where you could just smell the air, and know that it is going to be a great day. I greeted the bus driver with a hello and skipped to my seat. On the way people stared at me smugly. I had no care today, so I brushed it off and plopped into my seat, beginning to read.

 

[ChickForLife]

I already edited it. This is what you wrote:
I stepped onto the bus feeling happy. The sun was out and it was warm. Warm like one of those days in late spring where you can just smell the air and know that it is going to be a great day. I greeted the bus driver with a hello and skipped to my seat. On the way people kept staring at me smugly, but I had no care today so I just brushed it off plopping into my seat and beginning to read.
This is the edited version:
I stepped onto the bus feeling happy. The sun was out and it was warm. Warm like one of those days in late spring where you could just smell the air, and know that it is going to be a great day. I greeted the bus driver with a hello and skipped to my seat. On the way people stared at me smugly. I had no care today, so I brushed it off and plopped into my seat, beginning to read.

Thank you!

 

[CHlCKEN]

Would y'all read this book if it had this intro?

I stepped onto the bus feeling happy. The sun was out and it was warm. Warm like one of those days in late spring where you can just smell the air and know that it is going to be a great day. I greeted the bus driver with a hello and skipped to my seat. On the way people kept staring at me smugly, but I had no care today so I just brushed it off plopping into my seat and beginning to read.

Yes I would! However, I think the structure of the sentences need a little more support, and the fluctuation of tenses takes away from the experience. If I were writing this, I would change a few things ( I am aware this is a rough draft, but I am suggesting things for your edits)

I didn’t hesitate to step onto the bus as I usually did. This time, I found myself feeling happy. The sun was still rising, but it was warm, like one of those days in late spring where you can just feel the air, and know it will be a great day. I greeted my usual bus driver with a hello, which I wouldn’t have done on a normal day. He smiled at me before I skipped to my seat, feeling just as radiant as the warm sun. Some of the other students on the bus watched me with smug looks on their faces as I made my way down the isle. But I had no care today, I wasn’t going to let them ruin my good mood. I just brushed it off, and plopped into my seat where I opened my book at the same time our bus began to move forward.

I changed a little more than I should have. I think you’re a good writer! But I have a tendency to get carried away....

I switched up some words, I think you could have added more detail to “the sun was warm” so I changed the word structure some to make it flow, but kept it simple and not super wordy. You should definitely keep writing! Whatever It’s for, I think it will turn out well

 

[Fuchsia]

Yes I would! (I read anything) However, I think the structure of the sentences need a little more support, and the fluctuation of tenses takes away from the experience. If I were writing this, I would change a few things ( I am aware this is a rough draft, but I am suggesting things for your edits)

I didn’t hesitate to step onto the bus as I usually did. This time, I found myself feeling happy. The sun was still rising, but it was warm, like one of those days in late spring where you can just feel the air, and know it will be a great day. I greeted my usual bus driver with a hello, which I wouldn’t have done on a normal day. He smiled at me before I skipped to my seat, feeling just as radiant as the warm sun. Some of the other students on the bus watched me with smug looks on their faces as I made my way down the isle. But I had no care today, I wasn’t going to let them ruin my good mood. I just brushed it off, and plopped into my seat where I opened my book at the same time our bus began to move forward.

I changed a little more than I should have. I think you’re a good writer! But I have a tendency to get carried away....

I switched up some words, I think you could have added more detail to “the sun was warm” so I changed the word structure some to make it flow, but kept it simple and not super wordy. You should definitely keep writing! Whatever It’s for, I think it will turn out well

wow! You're a good writer!

You are to ChickForLife!

 

[ChickForLife]

Yes I would! (I read anything) However, I think the structure of the sentences need a little more support, and the fluctuation of tenses takes away from the experience. If I were writing this, I would change a few things ( I am aware this is a rough draft, but I am suggesting things for your edits)

I didn’t hesitate to step onto the bus as I usually did. This time, I found myself feeling happy. The sun was still rising, but it was warm, like one of those days in late spring where you can just feel the air, and know it will be a great day. I greeted my usual bus driver with a hello, which I wouldn’t have done on a normal day. He smiled at me before I skipped to my seat, feeling just as radiant as the warm sun. Some of the other students on the bus watched me with smug looks on their faces as I made my way down the isle. But I had no care today, I wasn’t going to let them ruin my good mood. I just brushed it off, and plopped into my seat where I opened my book at the same time our bus began to move forward.

I changed a little more than I should have. I think you’re a good writer! But I have a tendency to get carried away....

I switched up some words, I think you could have added more detail to “the sun was warm” so I changed the word structure some to make it flow, but kept it simple and not super wordy. You should definitely keep writing! Whatever It’s for, I think it will turn out well

That is amazing!

 

[ChickForLife]

Yes I would! However, I think the structure of the sentences need a little more support, and the fluctuation of tenses takes away from the experience. If I were writing this, I would change a few things ( I am aware this is a rough draft, but I am suggesting things for your edits)

I didn’t hesitate to step onto the bus as I usually did. This time, I found myself feeling happy. The sun was still rising, but it was warm, like one of those days in late spring where you can just feel the air, and know it will be a great day. I greeted my usual bus driver with a hello, which I wouldn’t have done on a normal day. He smiled at me before I skipped to my seat, feeling just as radiant as the warm sun. Some of the other students on the bus watched me with smug looks on their faces as I made my way down the isle. But I had no care today, I wasn’t going to let them ruin my good mood. I just brushed it off, and plopped into my seat where I opened my book at the same time our bus began to move forward.

I changed a little more than I should have. I think you’re a good writer! But I have a tendency to get carried away....

I switched up some words, I think you could have added more detail to “the sun was warm” so I changed the word structure some to make it flow, but kept it simple and not super wordy. You should definitely keep writing! Whatever It’s for, I think it will turn out well

Grammar police! Lol. Isle to asile! I love it! You make it so much more in depth and I can feel it more. You are amazing!