Fattie's big fat RANT

[Funky Feathers]

Wow, what an interesting story.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Interesting story...in real life it works more like this....

Woman with an abusive husband works very hard to make things up to him, since he wouldn't beat her if it wasn't her fault. She cooks his favorite food, asks his opinion on what choices she makes, makes her world revolve around him. Remorseful husband loves and dotes on her. He spends his time being sweet and kind, helping with the dishes, taking out the trash, bringing small gifts. Until something again triggers the anger, maybe dirty dishes, a burnt meal or just because he told her he hates that color. He beats the living daylights out of her, and she ends up in the hospital with skull and rib fractures and internal bleeding.

Look up the cycles of domestic abuse, and you'll find the scenario I strung out is far more likely that the rosey one.

 

[Funky Feathers]

Ummmm....my husband is not like that! In our 17 years together he has never laid a hand on me, even the one time he ****** me off so bad that I slapped his face real hard. He never has and never will. I know him that well.

 

[dewey]

Regarding strictly verbal/emotional behaviors, for any interested.... http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

Funky, it's great that everything is working out well for you.

 

[kareninthesun]

Agreed. This wasn't a story of roseyness though, but mindset. if one is in danger, break away. stay safe. and excuses in which a woman is being blamed to justify the behavior doesn't fly either. bitgerness sets in in tiny steps until someone has the courage to change. we learn to act and react, cower physically, emotionally, learn to be victims or become passive agressive. if you love someone, what will the guidelines be? If you give it your best shot yet see that there is no change,or if excuses are used, then move on.

 

[Cass]

Y'all didn't read the whole thread. She isn't in danger and it is very unlikely that it is going to escalate. 17 years of NO ABUSE and one time him being an a&& does not an abusive relationship make. IF he does it a second time? Then y'all have a point.....but right now the OP is happy and they have worked things out.

 

[frostbite]

Point of clarification: I think the OP in post #141 was referring to the story in post #140, not her own story. (Funky, if I'm wrong, please correct me.) Although when you read closely, post #140 also does not mention the presence of physical abuse in any way.


I agree that abusive relationships need to be fled from. However there are many relationships that are struggling because of a variety of other issues, like infidelity, poor communication, faulty expectations, financial pressure, family interference, differing assumptions and perceptions, to name a few. These relationships can often be repaired with strategies like counseling, twelve step programs (they're not just for the chemically dependent any more, you know, we can all benefit from that kind of personal analysis and reformation) and other modalities. Although it takes openness and willingness by both parties, each of us can only control our own behavior; however if we change our individual approach, it gives space for the partner to also change. Wouldn't it be a good feeling to be the one that "started it", when the "it" was reconciliation, rather than a fight?

Nothing quite like doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I think that's a particular definition of "insanity".

 

[mamagardener]

Wow, i just came upon this thread, and have only read the first couple of pages. So I may have missed some stuff, but going by the original post I have got to say the overreactions of some people is kind of concerning to me. If my husband had said that, I would not have slapped him, I would not have stormed out, or some of the other things that were mentioned. I would have been very angry yes, and I would have told him to please never talk to me that way again. I would have told him and his daughter if they were going to be mean, I will leave. If after that they still didn't stop...then I would have said I am leaving. If hubby didn't come with me, I would leave the car there for them and call a friend to come get me.

When hubby and I were alone, I would read him the riot act, and tell him people who live in glass houses should not throw stones!

 

[mom'sfolly]

I was not suggesting that Funky was in danger of physical abuse. I was responding to the "smothering with kindness" story. Unfortunately in most domestic abuse situations, either emotional or physical, there is a "honeymoon" period after any event. The abuser is trying to prove that he is remorseful and deserves the love of the abused; the abused is placating, doting and doing his/her very best not to set the abuser off again. This is a real documented cycle, not the rosy "smothering with kindness" scenario where if the abused person is loving enough, good enough, submissive enough, then the abuse will go away. People who spin these scenes have little experience, and have a world view that says that abusive relationships can be fixed.

 

[frostbite]

Mom'sfollly, I absolutely agree with you about abusive relationships and the recurring patterns therein, and I agree that women need to stop feeding into that cycle and get far away.

But if you read the "smothering with kindness" story closely, it is NOT about an abusive relationship. Unless you're reading a different post than I am.

There is no abuse mentioned, just a relationship in trouble. There is a whole spectrum of relationships in between abusive and healthy, and they don't all require the chopping block. Reconciliation is a wonderful thing, and forgiveness is healing for both the forgiver and the forgiven.

But I agree, when there is a pattern of abuse, reconciliation is almost always one sided, and therefore not really reconciliation. I recommend flight from that trap.