Funny fart stories: you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gag!!

[NurseStaci]

This one time, at church, my son had to fart and his friend said to squeeze his buttcheeks together to make it quieter...So, he squeezes them together, and when he decides to let it go, the Pastor decided to have a moment of silence right when he did. So, everyone in the church heard him. And to make it worse...It smelled horrible.

 

[Black Feather]

Haahaaa….this thread is hilarious!

In my family it’s my dad who is the stinker of the bunch of us….and proud of it to boot! His favorites are the ‘silent stinkers’, or the ‘silent but deadly’. He takes absolute carnal glee in clearing a room. Sometimes he’ll let you know, other times not. When he feels kind enough to let us know that the premises has just been polluted with vaporous, odorous, sinus withering gas, he starts quietly chuckling for no apparent reason. The effect on the rest of the people in the room who can recognize the ‘danger’ signs is immediate. Like the call you use when you want to let all your chickens know that you have a ‘fabulous treat’. Same with us, all our heads immediately shoot up and swivel toward dad…we take a tentative ‘sniff’ to make sure our route is clear, and “BAM” the room is instantly empty of all other living creatures. If you’re really unlucky it’ll be one of those really dense gasses that sort of ‘hangs’ in the air for 15-20 minutes, and the worst of them all starts to stalk up the stairs to the second level, you can’t even get down the steps.

We’ve suffered at the cheeks of this monster for many, many years! How dad doesn’t die of his own gasses I don’t know.

Now……If there is such thing as karma or God has a sense of humor then I have proof! The scales have been tipped! …. War is currently gripping my childhood home and it’s seen many, many victims! Who has risen to challenge my dad’s supremacy of lung numbing, stench emitting gasses? You’d think it would be one of my two grown and nearly grown-up brothers…nope. It’s not mom either, although that may have turned out almost as bad. It’s of all things….get this…..the CAT! Yup, the cat. May parents adopted him a year and a half ago when he turned up at their house as a pitiful pile of bright orange, fluffy, skin and bones. “Red” is now back to health sans his ‘fuzzy peaches’ and it has become apparent that he has a gift for gas. No word of a lie!

This became apparent to me when I was home for a visit. Dad and I were at the kitchen table reading the paper with Red laying at one end of the table. I look up at Red and he squints his evil little eyes at me….an then there is the soft “foooh” sound. I’m thinking, awww geeeez dad! I turn to him ready to scold him for his ill manners, when I notice no chuckling coming from dad at all. Instead he’s looking at Red with this pale and sickly expression. Suddenly he jumps up and exits the room. Hhhuuuuhhh…whaaaaaa?? And then it hits me like a ton of bricks…the smell!!! It’s like nothing I’ve ever smelled before…it’s so thick I can even taste it on my tongue!

I stumble out of the room which is now filling with this noxious haze, and confront dad in the living room.

“Dad, what the heck have you been eating!”

He throws his hands up nearly doubled over laughing and spits out “It’s not me, it’s the cat!”

“You don’t seriously expect me to believe that!?!?”

Dad has blamed everyone over the years for his silent stinkers, me, mom, all my brothers and sisters, even the fish.…which has a bubble curtain in the tank that he calls “fish gas”.

At this point mom walks into the room after hearing the uproar and calmly informs me that indeed it is the cat who is giving dad a run for his money. I’m thunderstruck! I turn to dad a burst out laughing and then run for the stairs as the stink from the kitchen slowly permeates into the living room.

I think Red wins!

Urban Coyote

 

[the1much]

the wifers had a cist about 1 inch from,,, ummm,,,, the farts "exit" point,, well,, she had it lanced,, was at home later, and she wanted a shower,, well,, she forgot to ask if it could get wet,,sooooooo,,,,,
"jim, could you tape this saran wrap over my cut?",,,ummm,,, well,,,, ya,,,, if i have to

well,,, over she bent, spreading "parts" that needed to be,, and as my shaking hand was about to touch,,,,, bbbrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuummmmmmmpppppp

EDIT: ta add ,,, i have seen the dark side,,, and its not looking good

 

[ksacres]

Jim, I have a feeling your wife is going to smack you later...

 

[the1much]

Quote:
i left out the bad part,,, lol,, i think it was caused by her giggling while i told her to stop staring at me like that

 

[ksacres]

 

[maplesky7]

skand already told the story on the ew...gross...but necassary thread.


so she can't kill him....secret's already out....or something was already let out....

 

[the1much]

 

[Lunachick]

How about those exertion ones?

Years ago hubby and I were in the kitchen and I was trying to open a new jar of mayo and I could'nt do it, I asked him if he could open it.

He twisted and twisted and grunted and (fart!) We both laughed so hard he dropped the jar! It was glass in those days, and cleaning up mayo is no fun, but the laugh was.

 

[tinners204]

My wife and I where on a flight to Phoenix. We all had assigned seats. My wife ends up next to a young mother and her 4 yr. old daughter. The 4 yr. old was seated next to my wife. I was sitting behind both of them. My wife loves kids and she was reading her a book and talking to her to keep her occupied. My wife finishes the book and I leaned forward to say something to her and I hear the little girl say (What is that that smells?) Right after that she said, (oh ya I farted!) I thought the little girls mother was going to crawl under the seat from embarrassment. I could not help but start laughing which made my wife start laughing. Oh what a hoot. I swear I will never forget it.