Funny fart stories: you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gag!!

[wishin4chicken]

This was on another thread but it works here:

 

[only one lay]

My parents taught me about politeness and the proper way to handle these things. My uncle taaught me the fun I was missing out on. his saying was never stop a normal body function.
With that thought in mind he always let it rip. In a antique store we we're looking at walking sticks. All of a sudden I was aware of SBD event. he turns to me and says"I should have went to the rest room for that one". He then proceeds to give me the stick he wanted, to go pay for it and leaves the store. He passes two elderly ladies coming into the store-and yes they had to walk right through the area he had just vacated.
One turns to the other and says' It definately smells like alot of old stuff here."

 

[n-da-woods]

Quote:
Ditto and a huge welcome.... I am splitting my sides laughing....tis true you have no shame......

Ditto

Ya killing me krazymonkeys

 

[krazymonkeys]

Thanks for the welcome everyone. I am really glad you guys enjoyed those experiences as much as I did lol. I still get a laugh just thinking about the expression on Mom's face in the mall. A couple of weeks ago, my mom and her fiance bought 5 pounds of crab legs for my birthday party and invited 1 other couple to eat with us. What they didn't mention to me was that the other couple and my mom's fiance were only gonna eat about 1 cluster each and left me the other 4 pounds or so. I somehow managed to wolf down all that crab, some shrimp cooked with plenty of garlic and butter, crab cakes, and a very small piece of chocolate iced marble birthday cake and washed it all down with about a 6 pack of Miller Highlife and for a guy that stands 6'1'' and weighs in at about 175 that's a hell of an accomplishment. Needless to say this witches brew I had made in my stomache started to get very unhappy with me. When we got home, I knelt on the floor in front of the tv to put in a movie and I got a bad rumble in the pit of my stomache, which at that moment was actually a gateway into the very bowels of hell. I didn't realize my son was standing directly behind me watching what I was doing over my shoulder. This beast of a fart came rumbling out and my eyes started watering and my nose stung and then I heard my son start crying and run to my wife. I thought he fell or something until he said his nose was burning. My wife was all the way across the room and smelled it in less than 3 seconds. Thought I was gonna have to sleep outside for that one but luckily there was only one with that magnitude. Dunno if any of us could have handled another like that lol.

Dunno if any of you were ever in the Navy but if so I am sure you guys remember the beer overseas. They put formaldihyde or however you spell that in the beer there to keep it preserved longer. This, however, does not do pleasant things to your digestive tract if you consume it in mass quantities as I found out several years ago while I was in. There was a particularly foul beer in Europe (I think we were in Gibraltar at the time) called San Miguel. This stuff takes at least a 6 pack or pitcher whichever you prefer to get where the taste is tolerable but the next morning you are looking for the cat that crapped in your mouth while you were sleeping so you can strangle it. Then the farts start...out of a 96 man berthing (sleeping area) there were maybe 5 people that didn't get up within the first 15 minutes of me farting. My friend Sam had 2 cans of Glade strawberries and cream air freshener steadily fogging the air and all it was doing was pushing it around. You could almost see the cloud traveling around seeping into sleeping, hungover people's nose and drowning them in the rancid smell. When all was said and done, my division officer warned me that if I ever drank that beer again I would had to go before the Captain. I have never seen so many people trying to get to the toilet at the same time.

 

[JennsPeeps]

<-- makes note to self... "Never, ever EVER give krazymonkeys beer"

 

[krazymonkeys]

Lmao Jenn. Nah it's not that bad with normal beer just what they sell overseas, especially San Miguel. I also think it had alot to do wih the quantity of it that I drank that night. I think I drank 6 or 7 pitchers over the course of 4 or 5 hours along with a few other things. I was fairly trashed when I got back to the ship and when I woke, likely the most dehydrated I have ever been in my life lol.

BTW, I was in your neck of the woods a couple of months ago on business. The Seattle-Tacoma area is really nice once you get an idea of where you are going. The hills you guys have take quite a bit to get used to but beautiful country all around.

 

[TheOLDNewChick]

Poor little kid!!

 

[krazymonkeys]

Yeah he's almost 5 and my daughter is about 3 1/2 and they both run from me when they see that particular evil grin on my face.

 

[JennsPeeps]

Quote:
I love it here! You're right about the hills though - they're brutal. I learned to drive in a stick shift. I can drive anywhere now as a result. It's such a lovely area of the world.

 

[krazymonkeys]

OMG I couldn't imagine driving a manual trans car there. Are one of your legs and one of your arms larger than the other from frequent use?