Giving up a child?

[ginasmarans]

I think the greatest gift a parent gives their child is the gift of life. The second greatest gift is giving that child the best life you can. Sounds like you have done that all along and I am sure that no matter what you decide, it will be the best for your child. Hugs to you.

 

[ruffles]

Have not personally been thru , what you are enduring. I have neighbors and acquaintances who are also struggling with the dilemma.

Their young children are in high school, some in college, and it is in some cases the older child that will need perhaps a home with adults their own age.

Since, we know siblings promise to care for a disabled sibling, lives change, job changes, divorces, marriages, and children with marriages, and at times it
is difficult to fulfil a promise made by a sibling to care for said disabled adult.

May, I say, I cannot advise, recommend , just pointed out what some in our circle are dealing with.

 

[oesdog]

Have not personally been thru , what you are enduring. I have neighbors and acquaintances who are also struggling with the dilemma.

Their young children are in high school, some in college, and it is in some cases the older child that will need perhaps a home with adults their own age.

Since, we know siblings promise to care for a disabled sibling, lives change, job changes, divorces, marriages, and children with marriages, and at times it
is difficult to fulfil a promise made by a sibling to care for said disabled adult.

May, I say, I cannot advise, recommend , just pointed out what some in our circle are dealing with.

Yes your right. - The other kids particularly my sons partner were very against full time care. I know because they love Danny and want to care for him themselves or at least they "think they do". However like your friends, my son and his partners lives are changing and they are intending to move away and start a family of their own. They talk of possibly moving to France where she comes from. In the talk of their dreams for their future lives together there is no room or mention of our disabled child. Like-wise my daughter who is a great help right now constantly talks of one day going to live in the states with her partner who is half American and of course she couldn't take her disabled brother. As you pointed out what they feel in their hearts is not necissarily easy to turn into reality. Life moves on and having a disabled sibling tagging along isn;t going to be very practical. That is one good reason why we want to look at a perminant care facility that does not depend on the goodwill of siblings and other family members.

Tonight Danny was lovely - he actually started saying "I am a big guy!" A whole intelligent sentance which I have not heard him say before. When I bent to kiss him because he had pleased me so much his hand whipped out at my face so fast. I didn;t even feel it comming lucky for me his fingers found my mouth not my face and he grabbed at my gum with his nails and sank them in the flesh. My mouth filled with blood and I had to walk away. He is now sleeping we bombed him out with Tranqualisers. I don;t know how much more I can take. DH says "oh he didn;t mean it" and I know he doesn;t. But the other day he bit me in the top of the head and another day he reached out and gave me a nasty pinch on my arm. I think of our other children starting families and having babies. How on earth could they manage that around a vulnerable baby!!!! If I hurt when he does things like that how much more would it hurt an infant. So I try to put things into perspective and get the other kids to understand having babies and dan is not such a good idea despite some well meaning promises and upset at the thought of him going away. I think if a place came up tomorrow I would be waiting outside the door!!!!!!! But that is how I feel at this moment nursing a sore mouth and listening to his rythmic snoring - I love Temazepam !!!!!

Oesdog

 

[coloradochick]

Ouch Helen, sorry to hear he got you again

. The boys don't mean to hurt us but after it happens time after time after time it gets harder to just sweep it under the rug.

What type of drug is Temazepam

 

[oesdog]

Ouch Helen, sorry to hear he got you again

. The boys don't mean to hurt us but after it happens time after time after time it gets harder to just sweep it under the rug.

What type of drug is Temazepam

Strong knock out tabs. Nothing else seems to work at night and even with that we have only got 4 hrs sleep! He is such a strong boy none of the usual sleeping pills work.

I agree that when you get hurt again and again it is harder and harder to just put it aside and say it's ok they didn;t mean it. In the end it hurts and they are getting bigger and harder to handle and sooner or later something has to give. I have been thinking so much about residential care. - I wish so hard that the Social worker was not just throwing things in the air but was really serious about this place. I am more and more in the mind that it is right Danny leave home. If I could go see the place tomorrow I would but I have gotten my hopes up and wonder if it will all fall flat leavingus with nothing again. I watch DH getting sicker and sicker trying to do everything. He had to take GTN again today and spent a deal of time in bed. We need to have a life too!!!!!! We want to get some land raise more chickens and goats and pigs! We want to take longer breaks abroad too as we love Spain. I think we need to do some of that before we are too old and ill to have that opportunity. I am soooo praying for a viewing date for this centre and that they will want Dan and it will work!!!! So many other places have been promised and they have not wanted Dan due to his behaviour issues. Please everyone pray for this as we really need it!!!!!!

Oesdog

 

[mommyofthreewithchicks]

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family in this big decision in your life! It does sound like this center is perfect for your son and I really hope it goes through.

 

[oesdog]

Just so you all know
They wont take Danny because he has to have a level of independance and require low level care and supervision! Which rules him out. He also has to have no history of volatile behaviour which also rules him out. Next week we are going to look at another facillity which is quite far away and does one to one care. I am a bit upset right now as the other place was beautiful but it is the story all along for us. They wont take Danny because .................................
I am really upset about this as usual built up hopes dashed on the rocks of reality!!!!!!!
Oh yeah they offered us an old folks home! At age 24yrs NO WAY!!!!!!!!!
Oesdog

 

[mulewagon]

Oh, I am so, so sorry. That is a terrible disappointment. My heart goes out to you - may you have better luck with the next place...

 

[oesdog]

Oh, I am so, so sorry. That is a terrible disappointment. My heart goes out to you - may you have better luck with the next place...

We have been trailed around so many places - they all have reasons why they wont take Danny this is just another one of those. The social services get our hopes up and then it all comes crashing down because they put these places up as options without actually looking at Dans needs and what they actually offer. The last place they offered they wanted members of the family to go in to the place and care for Dan there????????? What good is that because it isn't care it is just "moving him" out of familier surroundings which are easier to care for him in and then useing the same folk to care so none of us get any break time out togehter which is the reason why as a family we need it in the first place??????? This next place is owned by a care group which are in financial diffs so who knows if it will be there long enough to take Danny anyway.
Sometimes I hate myself for this - Trying to get rid of poor Danny to folk who obviously don;t want him. I am going to end up in my 80s still changing nappies. Sometimes I am so darn depressed about all this. I want to keep Danny but I also need time to re-charge and have fun adn do normal things like go to the movies or away for a weekend and simply walk the dog without a major planning process!!!!!!! Well it all fell through so I need not be upset about it because its not going to happen anyway - not this time. I guess its a bit like emotionally hurling yourself repeatedly off the side of a high biulding and then forgetting to actually go splat!

Oesdog

 

[mulewagon]

Of course you aren't just trying to "get rid of him". You are very wisely and prudently trying to find a roof for his head, while you're still alive. I just wish you had better prospects...

The trouble is nobody wants to admit that people like Danny exist. They'll acknowledge folks with Down Syndrome or neat savant talents, but don't want to know about the low-functioning, violent, incontinent folks. But they're real and they aren't going to just evaporate from being ignored