In the end, we may choose to keep our traditional method of announcing dinner: when the smoke alarm sounds, if no one tells you to get out, please gather around the table. Sit wherever you can as we have dispensed with formal seating arrangements. In the spirit of harmony, we ask that children sit at a separate table. In a separate room. The dogs will remain here under the table. After all, they have a job to do.
Now I know you have all seen the Norman Rockwell paintings of someone neatly carving a perfectly browned turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner table so don't even think of pulling out the camera for a photo opportunity. Considering the vast amounts of previously mentioned quality control checks of the rum for the rumballs the night before...I cannot guarantee what the turkey will look like. Just eat it.
For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I must insist on private. This means do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to question my technique. Do not send small, unsuspecting children or elderly relatives to check the progress. I have an electric knife, the turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to say that "passing" the rolls is not a football play or an opportunity to hit other diners in the head with warm, crusty bread. If you pass a roll or other item and it falls to the floor, no 10 second rule applies here; it immediately becomes the property of the dogs. Don't try to take it away from them. Finders are keepers, losers are weepers and the dogs will insist on being keepers. Please don't ignore this very important dog rule.
I have one reminder for the adults. For the duration of the meal, and especially in the presence of certain youngsters, we will refer to the gibblet gravy by it's lesser known name of Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the ingredients or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. If the child is persistent, you could suggest they check the dogs' opinion. The digs will be more than happy to sample it and will confirm to any doubters that it is as tasty as any Cheese Sauce ever created.
There is one last small to the plans. Instead of a choice of a half dozen scrptious, time-sucking deserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie garnished with whipped cream (to cover the cat paw prints on one and the dog tongues on the other). You will still have a choice - take it or leave it!
Have a very merry Christmas and a happy, blessed new year!
Newfie
Have given up with it for now cos it's driving me mad!! 
