Great DH, bad dogs! another update page 11

[SarahBeth9394]

I think the chosen title for the thread speaks volumes. It's an admission that her DH is great. It's not an insurmountable issue. And yes even small dogs are fine as yard dogs. You just have to make sure that the yard is properly set up with a good dog house. When we built our dog house we insulated between the walls real good and our girls stay warm even when it's freezing out. Growing up we had some little dogs and they did just fine outside.

Now I would be interested to know if he moved into your place when you got married. It's quite possible that he feels that it's the dogs home more than his. For a man to feel like he comes in second to the animals in his own home is very emasculating. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't put me above the dogs.

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
The silent treatment is a control tactic. You are supposed to notice that he is so pathetically neglected and upset that you drop everything and take care of him. If not, he wants you to feel guilty and punished. I call it "martyr syndrome." It's when a person has the attitude that they are the center of the universe. Everything revolves around them. They never have enough attention. They spend more time trying to be miserable and look for things to be crabby about than they spend trying to be happy and satisfied with their lives. I call it martyr syndrome because they always seem to believe that they are the victim and everybody should notice that and cater to them to make it better. How do I know? My DH does it too. I used to try to cater to him. Now I ignore it. Guess what. Ignoring it helps them to overcome the urge to act like a big baby. Catering to it just feeds the beast and makes it worse. Trust me life is much happier when martyr syndrome is in check. DH is a better person now and we are happier. If he is doing the silent treatment, it's his problem, not yours. Go about your business and do what you want. Play with the dogs, sew, cook, do what ever hobby you like during these "quiet" times. Pretend you don't notice him stewing in his juices. Do not feed the beast. Do no play the "Oh what's the matter with the baby" game. No matter what you try to do to make it better, it won't help. So don't even try. The silent treatment is very disrespectful. It's hateful and mean. It's a nasty control tactic. If he can't get over it, then you may have to take a serious look at your relationship and situation. You said that your friends and family have mentioned the control issue thing. Having people close to you notice this is a huge red flag.

 

[19hhbelgian]

Quote:
The silent treatment is a control tactic. You are supposed to notice that he is so pathetically neglected and upset that you drop everything and take care of him. If not, he wants you to feel guilty and punished. I call it "martyr syndrome." It's when a person has the attitude that they are the center of the universe. Everything revolves around them. They never have enough attention. They spend more time trying to be miserable and look for things to be crabby about than they spend trying to be happy and satisfied with their lives. I call it martyr syndrome because they always seem to believe that they are the victim and everybody should notice that and cater to them to make it better. How do I know? My DH does it too. I used to try to cater to him. Now I ignore it. Guess what. Ignoring it helps them to overcome the urge to act like a big baby. Catering to it just feeds the beast and makes it worse. Trust me life is much happier when martyr syndrome is in check. DH is a better person now and we are happier. If he is doing the silent treatment, it's his problem, not yours. Go about your business and do what you want. Play with the dogs, sew, cook, do what ever hobby you like during these "quiet" times. Pretend you don't notice him stewing in his juices. Do not feed the beast. Do no play the "Oh what's the matter with the baby" game. No matter what you try to do to make it better, it won't help. So don't even try. The silent treatment is very disrespectful. It's hateful and mean. It's a nasty control tactic. If he can't get over it, then you may have to take a serious look at your relationship and situation. You said that your friends and family have mentioned the control issue thing. Having people close to you notice this is a huge red flag.

I agree... I wouldn't put up with behavior like that. My hubby plays the "poor me" card every now and then, and I basically ignore it. He gets over it, and that's that... BUT the main difference is that I know he honestly LOVES our animals. He knew from the beginning that I came with "baggage", and i wouldn't budge on that part. At first, he wouldn't let me get a dog... Then I simply brought one home

She is now his baby, and he adores her to no end. We have also brought in 2 other rescues, and recently a husky that was causing havock in the neighborhood. So now the count is: 4 dogs, 2 cats, 20 horses, 5 goats, WAAAAAY to many chickens (if that's possible), 2 alpacas, and 2 donkeys. For somebody who didn't even want 1 dog, he sure did bend his ways to make me happy! Your Husband needs to learn to give, rather than take. I wouldn't be able to fully trust some one with a temper like that, JMHO - Good Luck!

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
My DH got over it too. I had a horse. He didn't like it. Then we got him a giant Standarbred that he fell in love with. I think it was the first animal that he ever had that was really his. It made a huge difference. That horse is retired now and he has another one that he loves. He never wanted a dog, but he adores the one we have now. Sometimes people hurt us, and we have to set boundaries. If they except the boundaries, it can work.

 

[LyonFuzz]

Putting a small dog outside is ridiculous and cruel. They simply are not built to withstand the extreme temps let alone isolated from their "pack", which of course is your family. Working in rescue, I cannot tell you how many frozen dogs I've scraped out of backyards that led miserable existences....even with a dog house.
Sounds like DH knew what he was getting into when you married, but maybe you could compromise in some areas. Maybe block the dogs from certain areas of the house? I hope it all works out; best of luck!

 

[horsejody]

Quote:
I agree. Because the dog is 17 years old, it would be particularly cruel. Most small dogs were bred to be house dogs.

 

[LegHorn-BusHorn]

Quote:
Sorry, the two younger dogs could probably withstand some cold, but my poor Dolly, I am sure would perish if it got cold at all. In fact the only thing she does outside is pees, poops and barks. She really doesn't stay out long she is a real indoor dog.
As far as the second part, he moved into my house and he owns no part of it. (I think its better this way) No, I have never put the dogs before him, NEVER! I have made lots of concessions concerning my animals because of him. Now I sure there will be a resolution, but not soon. I am still in the same boat tonight and he's not even here at all!

 

[thebritt]

My husband pulls that silent treatment crap on me from time to time. It's so immature and never solves anything (and he's 18 yrs older than me!). He once went 3 days w/out a meaningful interaction with me. Just makes me more mad, not sympathetic to his issues, because he won't say what his issues are. He'll say, "You should know".

Luckily, he drives a truck and is out of town every other day. I'm a little concerned about what will happen when he retires in 16 months...Sorry to co-misserate, couldn't help it.

 

[LegHorn-BusHorn]

Quote:
The silent treatment is a control tactic. You are supposed to notice that he is so pathetically neglected and upset that you drop everything and take care of him. If not, he wants you to feel guilty and punished. I call it "martyr syndrome." It's when a person has the attitude that they are the center of the universe. Everything revolves around them. They never have enough attention. They spend more time trying to be miserable and look for things to be crabby about than they spend trying to be happy and satisfied with their lives. I call it martyr syndrome because they always seem to believe that they are the victim and everybody should notice that and cater to them to make it better. How do I know? My DH does it too. I used to try to cater to him. Now I ignore it. Guess what. Ignoring it helps them to overcome the urge to act like a big baby. Catering to it just feeds the beast and makes it worse. Trust me life is much happier when martyr syndrome is in check. DH is a better person now and we are happier. If he is doing the silent treatment, it's his problem, not yours. Go about your business and do what you want. Play with the dogs, sew, cook, do what ever hobby you like during these "quiet" times. Pretend you don't notice him stewing in his juices. Do not feed the beast. Do no play the "Oh what's the matter with the baby" game. No matter what you try to do to make it better, it won't help. So don't even try. The silent treatment is very disrespectful. It's hateful and mean. It's a nasty control tactic. If he can't get over it, then you may have to take a serious look at your relationship and situation. You said that your friends and family have mentioned the control issue thing. Having people close to you notice this is a huge red flag.

I agree with you on alot of what your saying. I am going to ignore it and move on and do what I do. But, dang it I feel uncomfortable in my own home. But I won't feed the beast! Thanks for the good advice.

 

[duckboatprincess]

Have you tried a dog diaper on her? This should help eliminate accidents. I can understand him being upset about stepping in pee. I would be too, but he needs to understand she can't help it. I also understand if he doesn't want the dogs and cats in bed. I don't like the hair getting into my sheets. I would try to sit him down and talk to him. Ask him what his biggest issue is and start with that. Do it in baby steps. There is no quick fix to most animal-related issues. I guess the hardest thing is that your situation is unique to you. All of the well meaning advice on here is not necessarily right or going to work because we're not there. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. While I do agree that this seems like a control issue, I don't think it is something that's worth breaking up your marriage over. It sounds like he just needs to learn how to communicate better as opposed to throwing tantrums.