heartbreaking when children go astray

[deb1]

Quote:
I don't want to pry but is your daughter doing something physically dangerous?

 

[MuranoFarms]

I have the opposite experience here. I grew up in a NON-christian home. I screwed up big time when I hit 18. Do you know how long and hard I had to try to find God when I needed him? Your daughter knows where to find him, she knows what she should be doing....she will find a way back. She just needs a little time to rebel and try to live life on her terms. She'll learn that she doesn't know everything (heavens knows both my teens think they do!) Some things kids (and adults) have to learn on their own. Also, you cannot expect her spiritual life to mimic your own. No two people have the same relationship with God. Some of the most devout Christians I know never go to church. It's a very individual thing.

Everyone gets to go off for the first time and taste independence. Doing things mom wouldn't approve of is part of that. These are her first "big girl" decisions. Her first mistakes that are all her own. She needs to do this! You have to let go and let her try things on her own. This isn't about your morals or what you think she should do. It's about her. You can tell a toddler not to touch the stove a thousand times, but they still reach for it. Once they get burned, the lesson is learned. She needs to learn her lessons. Some will be bad, some will be good. The more you let her know you disapprove, the more she'll flaunt it. She may even start doing things just to 'get to you'.

I can't really say any more since we don't know what she's actually doing. If we had the whole story, maybe someone has gone through it and can offer some relevant advice.

 

[MuranoFarms]

Quote:
Wait a minute. WHAT??????

This sentence just jumped out at me. Are you serious? There are NO decisions that have eternal consequences! Maybe your Bible has something different going on but mine says that Jesus died on the cross so that I may be forgiven for EVERYTHING! All I have to do is ask.

So, yeah....I've heard kids say that they can do whatever they want and it doesn't matter because if they ask God for forgiveness, they get it. Sure, kids look at it a little sideways. You're daughter might be thinking that too. You however know........the kids are right! It's not a license to do wrong, but she will be forgiven. No matter what she does, she will be forgiven. No matter what she does, it's not your fault! You can't be saying that her decisions will have eternal consequences and teaching the Bible at the same time. If you are, you are sending mixed signals to her...should she believe you or the Bible?

There are murderers on death row right now. They will die for their crimes, yet they are sure they are going to heaven. they have asked for forgiveness and of course it was granted. Do you honestly think, your daughter wont receive the same forgiveness?

 

[hunterjumper999]

I grew up in an Ukrainian Catholic family. I chose a life path that my mother felt was wrong and many of my family members disagree with. I felt abandoned by god. But I have since found Him again, not in my traditional Ukrainian Catholic way, but in my own. . . but the thing that my mother has come to terms with is that He IS there for me and has not abandoned me.. i just was not able to find him on the same path that she did. It may be hypocritical of me but I know that God loves me , regardless of the mistakes i make or the things that I do. . . everyone that tries to do right sometimes gets led into the wrong... look at the bible !

 

[ChikeeMomma]

and prayers to you!

 

[Ashmeade]

That is most DEFINITELY a very hard thing to have to watch and basically feel helpless to stop what you know is likely coming to her with her choices. All you can do is support where you can without enabling and be there when it all falls down.

**One thing to take comfort in is that if you have done all you can and provided her 19 years with all the groundwork and guidance you can (and it sounds like you have), then all that is filed away even if she does not choose to use it now. Eventually she might come around and all you have taught her is there for her to remember and use.

And you have NOT failed her! Please do not think you have. You cannot force an adult to do something against their will if they are bound and determined to do something (and yes, legally she is an adult though with that age that term is used quite loosely)

I am not overly religious but from my Catholic upbringing I do recall that God gave us all free will and we have our tests in life and most of all, there is forgiveness and redemption. So do not lose your faith in her and pray for her (and you, for strength). And be there for her as you can without enabling the behavior / choices she is making that you feel are wrong. Sometimes to love someone is to walk away and that can be the hardest thing to do but the thing in the end that saves her.

Hang in there and hope it all works out soon!

 

[Olive Hill]

I'm sorry you're going through this; parenting never gets easier, does it?!

You said that "we" are Christians. Have you stopped to consider that that statement may be incorrect from the get-go. You can speak for you, but only your daughter can speak for her. Perhaps she is not. In which case maybe it's time to reevaluate the situation. You cannot judge her actions by your moral compass because that is not the compass by which she is making her life's journey.

 

[jeaucamom]

Please let me elaborate a little. I know that she has free will and can and will make her own decisions. Someone said I am making this all about me. Her decisions are hers and her consequences are hers, but the pain of watching a very beloved child do stupid, dangerous and awful things is mine. That is what this thread was about....just my pain as a parent watching my first born do horrible things.

I was adopted when I was nine months old and before that I was passed from foster home to foster home and was in and out of the hospital. My adopted parents had already died when I got married and had my first child. When she came along and they placed her in my arms and I held her, it was the first time in my life I had touched or kissed or smelled or looked at someone who "belonged" to me. Not that I owned her, but she was a part of me.

Anyway... She is an amazing, intelligent, girl and has so much potential and it makes it all the more sad that for now it is being thrown away for foolish decisions that will haunt her the rest of her life. I had no particular plan for her life that she is not fulfilling but this is about character and integrity and goodness, and these she has cast aside. It just breaks my heart.

And it does affect our whole family. My younger kids are looking on and if anything are very sad for her too. They can see that the choices she is making could ruin her life. Just very hard on us all.

 

[texasgal]

I hate hate hate that you feel like you have to defend or further explain yourself here. This isn't about Christian vs NonChristian .. or what is moral or not in whoever's eyes... or what EXACTLY she is doing so we can all judge for ourselves ..

This is about a fellow BYC'er that is hurting .. watching her daughter go a way that she believes is destructive ..

Those of us with children know the pain of watching children make mistakes, or go a way that we believe is wrong, or destructive.

jeaucamom .. I'm sorry you are feeling this pain, and I understand. My prayer is peace for you and for your daughter's heart to be turned back to where her heavenly Father would have her ...

Hang in there .. we are watching one go astray also .. he's risking his life .. everyday .. for the sake of rebelling .. it's heartbreaking!

 

[phoenixmama]

I am sure it is very painful watching your child walk down the wrong path.

I will just give some practical advice. Do not give your child money, do not support her financially in any way. Make it more difficult for her to make bad decisions. If doing bad stuff, whatever it is, means she will have zero financial help from you...she will learn her lesson a heckuva lot faster then otherwise. If she is not living according to your rules, then she can't be in the house, she will get no money, nothing. All the touchy-feely crap will get her nowhere. If she is doing something illegal, or is endangering a child...alert the authorities.

I made bad mistakes as a teenager/young adult too. I would have learned my lesson a lot more quickly had my parents not enabled me financially along my path to destruction.

Anyway, just my $0.02. Take it or leave it, and good luck.