Help me get 14 yr old DD doing her dishes chore--at my wits end here!

[calicokat]

Ok, I'm appealing to the collective wisdom of all my chicken buddies! And sorry in advance if this is too long, just want you to have a clear picture to put your 2 cents in on.

I have 3 kiddos, DS 16, DD 14 & DD 11. Currently they receive a commission that equels half their age. For each dollar, they have a weekly chore. If you don't do the chore (5 out of 7 days is acceptable) you don't get that buck.

WELL, DD 14 & DS 16 split the dishes, each have 3 nights, and I take the extra one. We don't have a dishwasher, this is washing the dishes by hand and putting away when dry. Mind you, we use a lot of throw away plates and cups, so it's not usually a horrible job.

If dinner is at 5pm, we're done by 5:30 pm. I tell DD that it's her night for dishes . . . . "I have to go to the bathroom". OK, 10 minutes, 15 minutes go by. I often forget to police her, and she'll sneak off to her room quietly when she leaves the bathroom (both rooms upstairs, I'm downstairs). So I catch on and go find her, it's 6pm - "Time to do your dishes", she comes down and can piddle this job out for HOURS! Rinsing the sink, talking to anyone who comes in range, playing with the dog, sneaking off to the Living room to watch tv with siblings when I'm not looking, more bathroom breaks, deciding she's hungry because she didn't get enough dinner so now needs a PB & J, ETC.!!! 8 pm arrives, and dishes are not done, or partly done, kitchen is a wreck still, and she' got to get to bed (bus arrives at 6:30 am, she's hard enough to get up, but overtired is really bad.) I've wasted a good portion of my evening trying to stick close enough to the kitchen to keep an eye on her, but far enough away that she doesn't strike up conversation with me as another way to dilly dally.

So, we've tried:
- now you have to do tomorrow's dishes too (she doesn't care, repeats the procedure, maybe even with a whine about needing to do homework as a new distraction, and we have the same result -- but now TWO days of dishes piled up.)
-you don't get your dollar for this chore this week, AND your brother still gets his, because it's not his fault he couldn't do his 3 nights of dishes, you never got yours done and out of the way!
- you can't do your fun activity you were planning this weekend (spend the night with friend, go to sister's BB game, have a friend over, etc.)

We don't have cell phones to take away, or big game systems (just a gameboy, and she only plays once in a blue moon anyway.) She's rarely online, and spends a lot of time reading or writing, there's about an hour of tv she likes in the evening before bed.

I just haven't figured out what motivates her. MInd you, she's 14, maybe just causing me to have a melt down over this IS what motivates her, LOL! But if any of you have some creative ideas that worked for you I'd sure be open to hearing them. I'm at my wits end, and she's only 14, I've got a few more years of emotional meltdowns to get through - I can't let this one beat me, LOL!

 

[gritsar]

I've got nothing.

Other than putting up with it until she's old enough for the military.

 

[Bantimna]

She might have peer pressure? "That it is not cool do do chores"?
Something like that? Don't get angry at her, keep your cool and find out and handle the situation w/ your DH helping and assisting.

 

[b.hromada]

Quote:

My 15 y/o daughter is one of the laziest kids I own. She will complain about anything! As for ideas to help with this problem, heck, I wish I could find some for my kids too!

I feel your pain though, its just added stress.

 

[Hen_House_Rocks!]

I'm no parenting expert, and since mine are still young (3 & 6) I don't have personal experience. However, when I was growing up, if I didn't do one of my chores, I was grounded. No t.v., no books, no phone, no friends over for 1 week. Then whichever sibling did the chore for me, got my share of allowance for the week. My parents were super strict, but it worked. Most of the time to not spend 30 minutes dusting or sweeping, or doing dishes was not worth the entire week of being grounded to us.

 

[texasgal]

Quote:
yup .. and I'm dealing with similar issues with mine. I think what you and I need to do is take the time to supervise. I, too, will forget to police her, get distracted .. get up the next morning to see the dishes still in the sink.

Tonight I will stay in the kitchen and bounce her back in like a ping pong ball. She will be *not so happy* with me.... but I've got to make the effort. I think the trick is to NOT get angry .. that IS what motivates them. Anytime a teenager can reduce a parent to a pile of mush .. they win. So I'll have to smile and say "I'm sorry YOU made poor decisions, resulting in me having to supervise you ..... " Throw the ball back her court. Refuse to be the bad guy .. it's HER decision to have me stand over her.

Let me know what you decide to do .. and let's compare notes..

When all else fails .. we'll just beat them .... j/k

 

[calicokat]

Oh texasgal, it helps to know someone else will be in the kitchen doing the same thing! Is it awful to be glad I have a partner in this misery

As for beating them, we like to remind them that we still have access to the DNA and can snuff them and make another just like them only better "We have the technology" (wasn't that part from The Bionic Man or Women?)

 

[Germaine_11.20]

Well I think I would grab a good book and sit in the kitchen with her and make everyone else stay out. Then you can read of talk to her about stuff she doesn't want to hear. Like menstration, chickens, government....

See how fast she gets them done. Also I give a time limit. Have them done by 6:30 (or so) then she knows. Keep on top of it and then tell her she did a good job if she does. You may find that this is a good time for communication while you have her undivided attention.


Have you ever asked her why she takes so long. Is she trying to wear you down. Is it a power play? "I don't know" isn't a good answer. Take away TV priviledges until she can come up with a real answer as to why.

She knows you are busy and seems to know just what to do to get out of things. Keep on top of it until she can do them without taking forever.

 

[clport]

Well, my suggestion would be to send her to bed WITH any dirty dishes that didn't get done, but my DH (who is a parent and I'm not) said punishment at that age usually backfires. He suggests that she stays up until the dishes are done, regardless of how late it is and how grumpy she is the next morning. She's 14 years old! In two years she can get married in some states, for heaven's sake! My DH says it's her job to try to annoy the crap out of your right now. Be so cheerful to her that she wants to puke! Show her she's not getting your goat and can't rattle you. Mom is Queen!! Good luck. I was so scared of my mom that I wouldn't have pulled a stunt like this, so I guess it's good your kid isn't afraid of you.

 

[Buck Creek Chickens]

I'm the oppsite, i add chores to the list, things they don't like, cleaning the coop, doing the laundry (her's), shovling the side walk, bringing in wood, with me helping too. and watching . I must be lucky my DD askes to do the laundry or find a different chore for her to do, all 3 of my kids where doing the dishes and they never got done, so the younest does other things no more problems. one dryes one washes, the choice is there's who does what