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So perhaps you change approaches about the money. When we were kids we did chores because we were part of the family. For the family to run smoothly we all had to do our part. Part of being part of the family was also that we shared in the wealth (or lack thereof
). Thus we got part of the paycheck each week (our allowance money). The two things were only related in that we were part of the family.
Maybe you need to separate the money from the chores. As it is you are paying your kids to do things that they should already be doing for free. Your daughter needs to do the dishes because that is just part of what needs to be done. If the job is rotating around the family, then it is just her turn to take care of them. I hated doing dishes as well. So did my sister. We ended up combining our weeks and would do them together. At least that way we had someone to talk to. But it didn't matter that we didn't want to do them. The dishes were dirty. Someone was going to have to wash them and my parents made it plain that it wasn't going to be them. In all fairness, they both worked and both cooked dinner. As kids (starting when we were 10-12ish), we had a week of laundry, a week of dishes and a week of bathrooms/cleaning. This was in addition to normal chores like keeping out rooms clean, feeding the pets and working in the yard. Mom and Dad had chores of their own to do as well.
Maybe you should sit your daughter down and explain that you will no longer harass her about her chores as they are part of being part of your family. At 14 she is screaming towards adulthood. As such, you are willing to let her have more responsibilities. Her chores are her responsibility. It is her choice to figure out how to get them done. The chores must be finished by bedtime. She can do them, she can pay her siblings to do them, she can hire you to do them. Whatever she wants to do (and I would get away from the dollar a chore thing- Use real costs, say $8-10 an hour or whatever she can negotiate with her siblings. That way she gets a dose of reality.).
What happens if she doesn't do her chores? She loses family privileges. Anything that you provide for her is no longer free. She has to pay for food, she has to pay for her room, she has to pay for car rides, she has to pay for clothes, etc. Anything that you do just because she is your daughter, she has to pay for or she doesn't get it. That's fair. She then gets to choose if she is part of the family or not. It takes the battle out of it. Let's face it, she IS 14 after all and likely just lives to battle with you. Head this one off by being very matter of fact and treat her as you would an adult coworker or peer. That is what she wants, after all, you to consider her an adult.
The flip side of having more responsibility is having more privilege. She is right on the edge of wanting to spread her wings a little. Make it very clear that her future privileges are directly tied to her taking on more responsibility now. As she proves she is responsible, then you loosen the apron strings a little bit. That way she learns to be an adult little by little and proves herself along the way.
At 14 she is actually old enough to be running the entire household. Pass the responsibility over to her and let her take care of it how she will.
Good luck. That is such a snarky age and they take great delight in aggravating their mothers.
Some very good ideas!!!
I really think having her have to recognize the effect she is having on family members & that she is part of a team will bring a jolt thru more awareness, feeling peer-pressure and having to compensate realistically for detriments she causes.
So perhaps you change approaches about the money. When we were kids we did chores because we were part of the family. For the family to run smoothly we all had to do our part. Part of being part of the family was also that we shared in the wealth (or lack thereof
Maybe you need to separate the money from the chores. As it is you are paying your kids to do things that they should already be doing for free. Your daughter needs to do the dishes because that is just part of what needs to be done. If the job is rotating around the family, then it is just her turn to take care of them. I hated doing dishes as well. So did my sister. We ended up combining our weeks and would do them together. At least that way we had someone to talk to. But it didn't matter that we didn't want to do them. The dishes were dirty. Someone was going to have to wash them and my parents made it plain that it wasn't going to be them. In all fairness, they both worked and both cooked dinner. As kids (starting when we were 10-12ish), we had a week of laundry, a week of dishes and a week of bathrooms/cleaning. This was in addition to normal chores like keeping out rooms clean, feeding the pets and working in the yard. Mom and Dad had chores of their own to do as well.
Maybe you should sit your daughter down and explain that you will no longer harass her about her chores as they are part of being part of your family. At 14 she is screaming towards adulthood. As such, you are willing to let her have more responsibilities. Her chores are her responsibility. It is her choice to figure out how to get them done. The chores must be finished by bedtime. She can do them, she can pay her siblings to do them, she can hire you to do them. Whatever she wants to do (and I would get away from the dollar a chore thing- Use real costs, say $8-10 an hour or whatever she can negotiate with her siblings. That way she gets a dose of reality.).
What happens if she doesn't do her chores? She loses family privileges. Anything that you provide for her is no longer free. She has to pay for food, she has to pay for her room, she has to pay for car rides, she has to pay for clothes, etc. Anything that you do just because she is your daughter, she has to pay for or she doesn't get it. That's fair. She then gets to choose if she is part of the family or not. It takes the battle out of it. Let's face it, she IS 14 after all and likely just lives to battle with you. Head this one off by being very matter of fact and treat her as you would an adult coworker or peer. That is what she wants, after all, you to consider her an adult.
The flip side of having more responsibility is having more privilege. She is right on the edge of wanting to spread her wings a little. Make it very clear that her future privileges are directly tied to her taking on more responsibility now. As she proves she is responsible, then you loosen the apron strings a little bit. That way she learns to be an adult little by little and proves herself along the way.
At 14 she is actually old enough to be running the entire household. Pass the responsibility over to her and let her take care of it how she will.
Good luck. That is such a snarky age and they take great delight in aggravating their mothers.
Some very good ideas!!!
I really think having her have to recognize the effect she is having on family members & that she is part of a team will bring a jolt thru more awareness, feeling peer-pressure and having to compensate realistically for detriments she causes.
