Help me get 14 yr old DD doing her dishes chore--at my wits end here!

[peggym]

I have a the same problem but mine's my son. 14 going on 15 and I can't get him to do anything without threatening him!!!!! He'll work for other people like nobody's business, I think it's just me. We have a dishwasher so that's not a problem, I just want him to keep his room picked up!!!! Half of my dishes end up there weekly and he doesn't bring them down. I've got to the point of telling him no going anywhere until his chores are done. I really think it's the age. Maybe he'll grow out of it but his father didn't!!!!!!

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Quote:
So perhaps you change approaches about the money. When we were kids we did chores because we were part of the family. For the family to run smoothly we all had to do our part. Part of being part of the family was also that we shared in the wealth (or lack thereof

). Thus we got part of the paycheck each week (our allowance money). The two things were only related in that we were part of the family.

Maybe you need to separate the money from the chores. As it is you are paying your kids to do things that they should already be doing for free. Your daughter needs to do the dishes because that is just part of what needs to be done. If the job is rotating around the family, then it is just her turn to take care of them. I hated doing dishes as well. So did my sister. We ended up combining our weeks and would do them together. At least that way we had someone to talk to. But it didn't matter that we didn't want to do them. The dishes were dirty. Someone was going to have to wash them and my parents made it plain that it wasn't going to be them. In all fairness, they both worked and both cooked dinner. As kids (starting when we were 10-12ish), we had a week of laundry, a week of dishes and a week of bathrooms/cleaning. This was in addition to normal chores like keeping out rooms clean, feeding the pets and working in the yard. Mom and Dad had chores of their own to do as well.

Maybe you should sit your daughter down and explain that you will no longer harass her about her chores as they are part of being part of your family. At 14 she is screaming towards adulthood. As such, you are willing to let her have more responsibilities. Her chores are her responsibility. It is her choice to figure out how to get them done. The chores must be finished by bedtime. She can do them, she can pay her siblings to do them, she can hire you to do them. Whatever she wants to do (and I would get away from the dollar a chore thing- Use real costs, say $8-10 an hour or whatever she can negotiate with her siblings. That way she gets a dose of reality.).
What happens if she doesn't do her chores? She loses family privileges. Anything that you provide for her is no longer free. She has to pay for food, she has to pay for her room, she has to pay for car rides, she has to pay for clothes, etc. Anything that you do just because she is your daughter, she has to pay for or she doesn't get it. That's fair. She then gets to choose if she is part of the family or not. It takes the battle out of it. Let's face it, she IS 14 after all and likely just lives to battle with you. Head this one off by being very matter of fact and treat her as you would an adult coworker or peer. That is what she wants, after all, you to consider her an adult.

The flip side of having more responsibility is having more privilege. She is right on the edge of wanting to spread her wings a little. Make it very clear that her future privileges are directly tied to her taking on more responsibility now. As she proves she is responsible, then you loosen the apron strings a little bit. That way she learns to be an adult little by little and proves herself along the way.

At 14 she is actually old enough to be running the entire household. Pass the responsibility over to her and let her take care of it how she will.

Good luck. That is such a snarky age and they take great delight in aggravating their mothers.

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

Alot of people are freaked out that we chose not to have kids, well more so when we were younger. I wish I had a copy of this forum to hand to them when they gave us the 100 question quiz about not having kids. Our pets are OUR kids!

 

[FireTigeris]

OH!

I also got to pick my chores (from an approved list) and a new privlage (from another list till 1 where I could make it up)

chore not done also revoked that privlage, "Oh you are too busy/lazy to do X you MUST be too busy/lazy to do Y"

I could ask for anything and we negotiated on the privilege (what I asked for)"No curfew" became (what I got)"11:00 and call if you'll be late"

of course I think that was 16ish not 14 but whatever works.

 

[Julie08]

Quote:
Also encourages indepentant thinking............ I like that.

 

[wildorchid053]

while you sit at the kitchen table supervising her. when she says she needs to go potty tell her she can after she finishes the dishes.. she needs to eat? after the dishes. after you have supervised her for a week or so hopefully she will get the idea that she isn't getting out of it.. homework to do?? after the dishes.. it is important for her to learn that she needs to help around the house too .. my kids did and we never gave allowances out.. if they wanted some money then the got it.. but never for a chore. gl with your daughter. keep at it . you will win lol

 

[PineappleMama]

Good grief... I had to do the dishes from age 6 on... may have been 7... not 100% sure, but I know it was 1st grade.

Even getting sick and throwing up IN the sink (thank you red dye in the KoolAid, didn't figure that one out for years) didn't get me out of the job.

I can't imagine a 14 year old, one who wants to be thought of as a young adult, one who hopes to be driving within two years -huge responsibility- is flaking out on something like dishes. That's just so... sad. I'd be embarrassed to be her, not you... clearly YOU are trying, but her... that's just so... well I can't think of a good enough adjective.

I guess if I was in your shoes I'd take away what there IS to take away... that little bit of game play, little bit of online, little bit of TV... never know how much you really like something until you can't have it right? Make it a rule for EVERYONE, so it's fair (this is just my opin talking here)... maybe Dishes Done within 30 Minutes of everyone being finished eating... so if over at 5:30, dishes done by 6... then do what you want/need to do... AND the kicker... for each minute past 6 (or whatever) that's TV time lost DAILY for the next week. In the example you gave... it was 8pm and still not done... that means 2 HOURS of TV time gone (from 6-8) for the next week ... perhaps a bit harsh, but dangit she's wasting YOUR free time by blowing this off, maybe if HERS is taken in turn she'll learn to just swallow the pill and be done with it.

*shrug* Just a suggestion, and remember I've not got teens yet... mine are 7 & 11... so feel free to take these words with a whole cellar of salt.

Edit... also, there's always the Alternative Assignment option... she likes reading, but WHAT does she like to read... in that time when she won't be watching TV don't let her read a fav book... make her read something she wouldn't normally... like... The Jungle, Animal Farm, Watership Down, Lord of the Flies ... and write a report on it... we actually read all those books in school, so it's not like the experience will hurt her, may help actually... but it will intrude on HER choice... which is exactly what she's been doing to you... intruding on YOUR free time and how you spend it by making you follow her like a toddler without a diaper. Oh, and if she LIKES those sorts of books... well, perhaps a report on Dr Seuss or another children's book author might be better.. just anything she won't like! Again, just a suggestion. Right now my son is having to read Where The Red Fern Grows, discuss, and report because I didn't feel his grades were up to snuff... in addition to no games, no friends over, no computer, no TV, etc. Geez... I sound like a terror huh?

 

[AngieChick]

We use the system that I had growing up, each child gets a full week of dishes. It doesn't turn over until Friday night if all dishes are complete. If there is one dish left then it's still their turn. This works pretty well.

Also, you do know that it's a totally legal move to take away a child's book in extreme disobedience issues, right? It's especially effective if they are in the midst of a very good book. I know, as parents it seems like totally the wrong thing to do, taking away something that we worked so hard to encourage for so many years. But, if a child is being egregiously disobedient we go for whatever is most important to them. Fortunately we've never had it come to that, when we have had to threaten it very occasionally my son said shocked "You wouldn't!". All I had to do is raise one eyebrow and he got very obedient very quickly

 

[DuckLady]

Oh please no! The dreaded eyebrow lift!

Nothing wrong with setting expectations and following through with enforcement.
The child is the child and the parent is the parent.

 

[Cetawin]

*raises hand* I just had this battle with my 13 yo DD....I used the earlobe drag. I got sick and tired of the excuses and the little bathroom breaks, forgotten homework and etc. I grabbed her earlobe, escorted her to the kitchen sink and told her she could easily wash them while crossing her legs and that she had sufficient time to get her homework finished before bedtime because she could forego her hour long evening shower and take a quick one in the morning.

No problem now....everytime she looked back from the sink I was standing there giving her the look that screamed "I brought you into this world and I will remove you from it"

Shoot dishes is nothing as far as a chore. I will gladly give her half of my chore list from when I was 13 years old. She asked my father about it that one day when she was around 8 and Dad gave her my chore list and her jaw hit the floor...I smiled at her and said "Still want to live with grandpa?"

She just lost all of her electronics, her computer, her TV and the brand new IPod Touch she got for Christmas. They are all packed up and in my room. Why? Well she was goofing off watching TV instead of doing her homework and when I threatened removing the tv, she had the nerve to tell me I could not take her TV because it was hers... I smiled and said "really, well as you are not 18 and therefore not legally allowed to own anything, it is by my good graces you have anything which oh by the way...you no longer have." And then I took everything!


Sad thing is....her brother is 25 year old...he has told her 100 times over "DO NOT Challenge Mom because you will not win" Does she listen to her older brother? Nope? Does she lose the battle? Always My son told her after the electronics were packed up that he had warned her about challenging me so she could put a sock in the whininig and complaining because that would only make it worse.