Help me get 14 yr old DD doing her dishes chore--at my wits end here!

[cluckcluck42]

I dont know much about kids, but it's frowned upon to just stop feeding them right?

When I was that age my mom would ground me when I wanted to go out with friends if I pulled that crap. I didnt care if TV was taken away or anything else, but if I couldnt go see my friends that was the end of the world.

 

[Moxiechick]

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Well there you go. You have the perfect opportunity here to kill two birds with one stone! If DS16 doesn't want to brush his teeth and DS14 won't do dishes, make her brush his teeth and him do dishes until ( /if) they decide to swap back! Clean dishes, clean teeth, everybody's happy!

Put the idea to them... it will at least get them thinking about the balances of responsibility and spark some interesting discussion!

 

[bheila]

We have a 3yr old DD, 7 yr old DD and a 11yr old DS. I'll be danged if I'm going to babysit them when they do their "chores." If they want to dilly dally while doing their chores and it takes them longer then that's fine but they won't get to watch TV before bed unless they are done before their bedtime.

In our family cleaning your room, taking showers, brushing your teeth, washing your clothes...etc, are not "chores", it's part of growing up and being responsible for themselves. No way would I ever pay them to do those things. They collect eggs, clean the coop, feed and water all of our animals. These things are privledges! My children know how lucky they are to have fresh eggs, beef, pork, fresh vegetables....etc, because of their/our hard work. They also know that if we go out to dinner, purchase clothes, go on vacations...that those are also privledges that we've earned because of our families hard work.

We also don't have a dishwasher and everyone is expected to wash whatever dishes they use. If they don't wash them then they can't eat.

When our oldest was 6yrs old, I decided that he was old enough to take care of the dogs...feeding/watering and scooping poop

I also told him that when he was done with his "chore" that he could go into my coin jar and pay himself $.50 a day. I also did this with our oldest daughter. To this day they've never paid themselves. Money isn't a motivating factor for our kids for getting work done. If they want to earn money then they'd better go ask grandma or grandpa if they can rake leaves, pull weeds or mow the lawn. We also have a jar for vacation money and when our kids earn money from work outside of our house they'll usually pitch in and put their own money in the vacation jar to contribute. I never ask them to put their money in, they've seen their father and I do it and get excited knowing how much closer we are to going somewhere special for the year.

 

[Countrywife]

You know, we don't do the whole allowance/chore thing. We live on a farm. Mom and Dad work. It takes this entire family to keep the place going. So, boy does animals, girl does house, sexist, I know, but it works. Everybody pitches in when it is planting, harvesting, buthering. We all keep things going. In turn, the kids have always had the chance to play sports, take lessons, join groups. If they are interested and make the commitment I drive them, pick them up, attend the events. Last monday the two of them went skiing with church- cost hubby and I 144.00 for both, but its good for them, and its kind of our support of thier support, if that makes sense. Boy child has lost his xbox and phone this week cause of grades, but he'll come back around again. Sometimes, you just gotta go with the flow.

 

[adoptedbyachicken]

I agree with having DH sit and watch her. Tell her 5 min in the bathroom is plenty and then get washing. No more food or anything else, talking or petting the dog till she is done. Let DH be grumpy she needs it right now. This is a 15 minute chore and giving her more than half an hour to do it is a diservice to her. She needs to learn to just get to work and get' er done. Many things in life she has to do she will not like, sooner she gets over this the better. I also agree with docking her for it not being done on time. Have a heart to heart wtih her and tell her it's for her best to get things she dislikes over with, and that she has to contribute to the house like all others.

Limiting her distractions for a bit might help, ask the others to stay away and put the dog out but do have DH right on top of her. Consistancy is key.

 

[mom'sfolly]

My son is kinda like that with cleaning his room, but both boys clean the bathroom without complaint. How weird is that? What didn't work for us was: yelling, grounding, withholding allowance, taking away privledges, etc. What did work was absolutely clear objectives, uniformly enforced. This was harder than you would expect. If the room needs to be cleaned, the kids are told when they have to start and what time they are expected to finish. Nothing else is allowed until the chore is done. They can not wander away, play video games, read or watch TV until things are done. They share a bedroom, and a gameroom, and they are separated when they do the work because they fight. This has worked much better, but we still have our days.

So my suggestion is: Set a time to start and finish the dishes. Allow a potty break before, but none during. She is not allowed to leave the kitchen until the work is done. If she does not finish in a set time, she loses her money and she goes to bed. Period! No negotiation, no variance, no exceptions. A clear directive of "I expect this and this will be the consequence if my standard is not met". Be prepared to redirect, and keep her on task, but I think this will make things better. Things like "honey I'll talk with you as long as you work, but I will leave if you don't work" and "oh did you finish the dishes already, no? well back to the kitchen" will go a long way.

Another solution might be a job exchange. If she isn't willing to do dishes regularly, maybe she can have a once a week chore that is equal in time and effort to dish washing. Maybe she is responsible for cooking dinner one or two nights a week.

 

[Julie08]

Can you put her supper on a dirt plate?

 

[Julie08]

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That would be a great reward once she learns that chores are not about "what we like to do" but 'what needs done".

Once willingness to pitch into the household needs is shown, then maybe bargaining for better chores could be done.

agreed but family is also about helping out one another and working together, if it was my house I would offer to trade her one of my tasks for the dishes. We each do what needs to do but we pitch in and compromise and help each other out as well. I would rather do 1000000 loads of laundry rather then take out one bag of trash so I do my sons landry and he does my trash, everything gets done but a bit less painfully.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I have always hated doing the dishes--not because the chore is so bad, but becuase everyone abandons you and goes off and does something else and you are stuck with everyone's gunky mess. I would consider requiring everyone to scrape thier own plates and neatly stack them by the side of the sink, whoever has dish chore gets started filling the sink and washing while everyone else clears the table and puts away leftovers. The other one who shares the chore then starts helping--drying and putting away. No one is released from the kitchen until the kitchen is done.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Also, if she still refuses, she goes straight to bed--no reading, no tv or other entertainment, no lights at all--just bed.