help!

[windsofhoney]

here's my problem
i work 60 plus hours a week 12 hour night shifts and make good money , now at only the last 2 months, hubby does not work fighting for disabitly(spelling?) for 3 years on his back and legs , he can move around pretty good some days are better
With that little bit of background here the problem
He Does Not have do any thing with me no hugs kisses etc unless i beg (And Just for the ones that say cheating nope i wish it was that easy) And he not brought any money in the last 3 1/2 years
He talks to ever one else , does thing with others
i have tried any thing i can think of to make things better,
talk ,leave him alone i am just about ready to leave we do have 2 little girls and that is why i am still tring to work this out

now every thing that happen is my fault ,and if i leave it will be blamed on me
i know his family wants my 2 kids so here lays yet a other problem if i leave
if i leave and sell all chickens ducks and dogs way over 100 chickens and ducks we do up for winter meat

he would have place to stay and my kids would stay in the home that they live in now and he would not be living with his parents so the kids would be ok and his family would not be there all the time
or if i stay here then he goes to his parents and the kids stay nights and morning till i could get them and who know what would go on .


i am only 28 and lost on what to do
i have prayed and i feeling that i should stay put a little longer but my heart is hurting and my head lets go!! and deal with crap that hits fan later

 

[easttxchick]

My first instinct is that maybe his pride is hurting that he is unable to work and you are carrying the financial burden. Sounds weird, I know, but I would imagine it is bothering him a great deal that he can't "take care of his family" and he is taking it out on you. That would explain why he has decent relationships with other people that aren't closely involved.
I'm very sorry you and your family are going through this and I hope you can work it out.

 

[BrattishTaz]

This is the kind of topic I usually refuse to comment on. It is way too personal for my comfort.

Unfortunately, something is telling me to let you know what could happen in this situation. Please allow me to play devil's advocate for a minute.

You decide to leave hubby. You move out and he stays in your home. You and hubby go to court to get a divorce. Judge asks why you left, you tell him hubby wasn't paying attention to you (hugs, kisses, conversation, etc...). You then discuss the fact that you are the bread winner in the family and hubby has not worked in over 3 years. Hubby's lawyer says that hubby wants custody of the kids because he is the primary caretaker of the children. He also wants the house. You argue that you should have the kids. Hubby says you work long hours on the night shift. He says you sleep a good part of the day(I am sure his family will testify to this). He says that you are not able to give them the time and supervision they need.

The judge will rule in you husband's favor (unless there is some kind of abuse going on). He will get the kids and the house. You will be ordered to pay child support. And to add insult to injury....you will be required to pay spousal support because your disabled husband depended on you in your marriage.

I'm sure you did not want to hear such an ugly scenario but this really could happen. Unless he is abusive, you need think hard before you leave. If he really is able to work, nag him until he gets a job. If he really needs to be on disability, help him get it. You want him to be financially secure before you make a decision either way.

Good luck.

 

[HeatherLynn]

There is no reason, if you leave that you have to leave the kids behind. I would not just give the kids to his family because they want them. Its fine if you guys can work out a joint custody agreement. Don't just give up. Maybe you need to cut your hours back enough to give yourself a bit of rest and time to think things through.

Once you get things a bit sorted in your own mind, then maybe you can suggest either counciling or just make the decision to stay or leave. Don't make a life changing decision while you are beaten down and exhausted.

 

[CrazyFowlFreak]

Quote:
I had a similar situation happen to me, and I got full custody. After fighting with ex and having to split time down to hours. For four years! It sucked, I wish you the best of luck! <3

If I had it to do over again, I'd take my kids while he's sleeping and leave him, file a temporary custody order, and sue him for divorce and custody due to irreconcilable differences.
Lawyer up.

 

[zippitydooda]

I just want to put this out: I've been through divorce with children, and it really REALLY stinks. REALLY.

You never mentioned if you love your husband. My husband did not work over 10 months in the first 5 years of our marriage. Yes, we fought about it a lot. Yes we struggled financially. He then became disabled with emphysema. Eventually he got disability $. I still work full time, and he tells people he is "retired".

I guess what you really need to understand is this: IF you leave (with or without children), you will continue to have to work as many hours with LESS help than you have now. Also, you will not have much time with your kids even if they live with you. Also, if you are alone, you will STILL not have any affection (unless you decide to pick up a stray boyfriend to expose your kids to).

Personally, I chose to stay with my unemployed husband. Now that he is ILL, he is UNABLE to be "affectionate". Maybe your husband's back and leg problems are so painful he doesn't feel like being loving. Yes, you are ONLY 28 years old. BUT things change daily. This too shall pass and won't remain the same. Give it some LONG and HARD thought.... and TIME.

Good luck to you.

 

[bugsaroo]

I just posted the thread anger management and this post was a couple down the line. My husband was in an accident, broke three vertebrae with seven ruptured disks. He is in major pain, can't do the things that he used to do and has become a bear. A hungry mean nasty one. For a while I took it, then I got nasty back. Ooops, only made things worse. The guy I love is still in there, he has just become something that I can't hardy live with. And fortunately we are older than you, no little children in the picture. I have been with my husband 30 years and there is no way in hell that I am leaving him now. Somehow I gotta figure out how to get him back. He feels terrible that he can't support me anymore. That I have to work 60+ hours to pay the bills and then I do all the heavy work, mowing the lawn, we have 8 acres. When he does do something he screws it up because he is dumbed out on pain killers. Like mow all the new trees that we just planted off. grr. So he has this incredible feeling of being worthless. I am going to try to get him involved in something that he can do. He used to love to do woodworking, but is completely unable to work on a concrete floor standing over woodworking equipment, bending, pulling, crawling around, all the movements that you do when you build something. So I am going to support him in getting involved in something that he can do and tell him I love him every moment of the day. And I will just have to let the lack of hugs and kisses and take the blame for everything that goes wrong in his life. I know that I did not cause this, it is just him being angry at his situtation.

You have to become an excellent communicator. You have to be brutely honest and sincere. You have to figure out why he says what he does, keep him involved with the girls. And leave the inlaws out. Totally, you can't let any thoughts of he said, she said cloud reality. I watch this thread. I completely understand your frustrations. And you deserve to not live this way. Sometimes we let things happen to us that we could control. So don't allow him to be mean, certainly don't believe for a moment that it is your or the girls fault. Dig down really deep and find the strength to fix this if you still love him.