How soon is too soon to date?

[Katy]

Quote:
I agree with all of the above people. People can think they're ok with something, but then when they see, or hear about it in this case everything can change. In the long run, it's a short time till May and why risk it at this point in time.

 

[luvmychicknkids]

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the different views and advice. I will definitely consider everything very carefully. I think right now I am just feeling such a sense of loss it is making me need that companionship. But like someone said, May is not THAT far away.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

One additional thing, too many people hop into a relationship on a rebound, without giving their emotions time to heal. And despite having not lived together in 5 years, there are still legal and, as you yourself said, emotional ties. Rather than looking for another romantic relationship, you should be investing your time to explore yourself. Make friendships, pursue interests, take a class that sounds interesting, volunteer for a cause you support, etc. Get comfortable with yourself. And, when you do date again, it will be because you find a person interesting and worth taking the time to get to know, not because you are lonely and looking for someone to take the lonliness away.

 

[maplesky7]

You probably have not sat down with a lawyer yet I am guessing.

When my dh came home from his half way deployment for some R & R he told me he wanted a divorce and I went and got a lawyer once he went back to Iraq.

There is a law that prevents either party to engage in divorce while one of them is deployed. You will have to wait until May to start the proceedings but do start considering all that it entails and what steps and goals you have for your children and yourself for the future.

As far as dating... believe me I know how you feel. It's been 3+ years since my husband has lived with us and it's been extremely lonely at times. But you've gone this long and for the benefit of your children and yourself it would behoove you to wait until the divorce is final. Take no chances and don't risk it. All in due time my dear lady. You are a beautiful woman inside and out and there will be a man who sees this and who will not take you for granted.

You are lonely. You want contact. You want adult conversation since your with your children day in and day out. You want to be loved and hugged and snuggled. And once 9pm hits, there you sit alone and it's lonely. I get that. I understand. But do not sacrifice your heart and put it out on the line now... you've got healing to do from your previous relationship. You may feel it's been 5 years and you're over it but you will find I'm sure that there are still some wounds underneath all of your exterior. You are a strong woman and you WILL overcome this. In the months ahead you will have changes in your life once he's back and the ball gets rolling.

Focus on the positive things that are ahead for you and your children. And be there for them when they want to talk. They may have feelings they need to discuss and it's their dad after all so they will have certain emotions they may be hiding under their exteriors but they are there. We'd be fools to think that our children are not perceptive enough to know something is up. Be gentle with them and considerate when talking about their father. In due time they will find out on their own what kind of man and father he is or isn't by his own actions or non-actions.

There will come a day when a certain man will be manifest in your life and you won't be lonely anymore and he will love you for the woman you are and you will love him for the man that he is. Wait...heal...grow...learn...bloom in love.... "just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows, lies the seed that with the suns love, in the spring becomes the rose."

(~The Rose~Bette Midler)


hugs,
gretch

 

[Marlinchaser]

I will post from the kids point of view(since one time(maybe more)) I have been accused of being childish.

I dont know the ages of your kids, but if they can add, and at some point they will be able to, think how they will feel if you happen to meet MR RIGHT and get married shortly after getting the divorce finalized. What will be your response when asked "you only knew MR RIGHT for 2 months since the leaving dad?"

No I dated while I was still married and your dad was still overseas, just doesn't seem like a good answer.


When My FIL remarried that was the only question my wife had, "did you date prior to moms death?"(MIL died of cancer at an early age) the anwswer was NO, and the new wife was welcomed into our family and has been grandma to my kids etc... I know not quite the same, but in a kids eyes DAD is DAD regardless of how bad he may be to you, so dont make yourself out to be the bad parent by dateing while still married.

 

[Marlinchaser]

Quote:
OH you had me till you qouted Bette Midler

 

[maplesky7]

back to your bath house!

and pc likes the song, the rose. so there.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Pros and cons go like this

Pro - you are entitled to move on
You want and need adult companionship
you should be able to focus on your own needs at some point, why not now?


Cons - most therapists advise waiting one full (yep painful) year after the end of the relationship to date
kids who have been without a father figure will want to latch on to anyone who fills the bill
exes often use dating to effect those , legalities others spoke of , including alimony and custody and child, support
and kids will blame you for the end no matter what you do. They don't need more reasons to think it is your fault.


And, aren't you a teacher?? Funny how quickly that can get around. Should you have to live above reproach just because you are a teacher? No, of course not. Will people hold you to a higher standard - yep. Teens find out everything!

I waited a full year. Painful, lonely year. One guy made his interest known and I told him I was waiting a year. He waited too. Never bothered me never asked again until after the year was over. He was avery sweet, but he was still a rebound guy. I was divorced for four years before I met and was ready for Mr. absolutely perfect for me. We've been married for 12 years!

I am very sorry this is happening to you. Only you can know what you should do and what is best for you and your kids. I trust your judgement.

 

[WingingIt]

I'm a military wife and, unfortunately, have seen this scenario many times. I'd wait. I know you want companionship and you certainly deserve it, but I'm encouraging you to wait. I hope that your soon-to-be-ex stays true to his word and that your divorce can be amicable and easy. I can tell you, though, that things often start that way but don't end up that way. His buddies are a HUGE influence on him right now and once he announces that he's getting divorced I can guarantee you that they will share thier horror stories of ex-wives that drained bank accounts, kept the kids from them, etc. They will try their best to condemn you without knowing one thing about you and he might, just might, start thinking along those same lines and decide to use everything he can to limit what you get.

I disagree with those saying it's 100% impossible to get divorced while he's still deployed, though. The SSCRA gives the service member the *right* to delay proceedings until they are stateside again. It does not DEMAND that they wait. In fact, a deployed service member can initiate a divorce while deployed if they so choose. If you initiated it and you two were disagreeing on who gets what and there had to be a court date then he could invoke his rights under the SSCRA to stop the proceedings because he could not physically attend the court date. However, if you two are able to agree on who gets what and you are both willing to sign on those items on paper he can choose to proceed with the divorce even while deployed. It would be slower than if he were home simply for mail time and any power of attorneys or special notary signings he'd have to get, but it can be done. Our last deployment we had a guy file on his wife (who was home) while they were over there. He filed not long after they deployed and they agreed on everything and their divorce was done before the deployment was over with.

 

[maplesky7]

wingingit... I suppose I did misspeak. I was repeating what I was told from a lawyer, not the one I chose by the way, but one I saw.

I found it here regarding the SCRA so it is possible if they agree to it.

"The Service Members Civil Relief Act (SCRA) applies to anyone who's been called into active duty for at least 30 continuous days. Under this law, a deployed service member gains certain protections from legal proceedings against him. A deployed spouse can consent to a divorce and make the process relatively smooth, subject to the challenge of communicating from the other side of the world. If he wants to block the divorce, the military and Congress will generally protect him while he's serving the country, but that doesn't make a divorce while he's deployed impossible. It just means the process is more complex, and assistance from a legal professional is recommended."

http://www.ehow.com/how_5065590_file-divorce-spouse-deployed.html