Husband changed mind about more kids...

[littlefarm_bighappy]

This is more pain on top of more pain.
Husband has decided against any more kids. His reason.. he doesn't want to be raising kids in his 50's.
Our history: Been together since the age of 17. Had a daughter at the age of 20. Lost her in a car accident when she was 7. We have my son who survived the car accident at the age of 2- he is 9. Have second daughter age 5. Lost our third daughter in october due to placental abruption and preeclampsia that resulted in a stillbirth. I was 8.5 months pregnant.

We had planned on one more child before we turned 35, and we were both agreed we would be done. Insanely horrible, Olivia died. Apparently that counts for him and he is done.

I would never create a child that was not wanted by both parents. But this is speaking other volumes for me:
1) He wants the kids gone, gone gone and is happy to have his own life. For me, I view them as a lifelong commitment and that entertains the possibility of caring for them after age 18, through college.
2) He made plans and is switching midstream. UP UNTIL NOW he has wanted more kids. Don;t flame me with such deep cliche's as "When it comes to kids, the No always wins" or "You will trap him and that's unfair." or "you married your husband, not future kids, so he comes first." HEARD IT ALL, been there. The point is, this was a lifelong goal that UP UNTIL RECENTLY we have agreed on.

I made it clear that if this was the path he wanted, it was up to him to get a vasectomy. i've dealt with birth control and pills for 17 years now, it's his turn if he wants it permanent. Of course, he balks at the idea of having his precious bag touched.
I know people grow different at they grow old, and it;s clear we want different things. I want a farm (which I have, and am supporting) with a passel of kids, animals, and a modest lifestyle. He wants a big clean house , 2 kids, with an immaculate garage with luxury cars and engineering projects. He would be beyond thrilled if the animals all disappeared. He hates the hair, hay and poop.

What pisses me off is that he waits until I am 34 to tell me this.

I am not asking for wonderful snarky bits by anti-child people about why reproduction is Bad. Nor do I need to hear, "you have two kids, why not be grateful?" If you think you have something rare and gemlike in your anti-birth brain that I haven't heard, save it. I guarantee you I have already told it to myself and read it somewhere.

I WOULD like to hear from women who have ended up in a committed relationship only to have the guy change plans midstream on this issue.
I know I am breaching this angrily and defensively, I can't think of any other way to, sadly.

 

[cafarmgirl]

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You have every right to be angry and frustrated by all that has happened. I have not personally been in that situation and cannot imagine how frustrating it must be. Is it possible that after loosing the baby he is afraid to try again or doesn't want to risk the pain of losing another child? I have to admit my husband wasn't thrilled when I popped up wanting baby #2 years ago but he wasn't totally against it either. That pregnancy was difficult, baby was premature and had a few minor issues. Those are all resolved now but it was a rough road and he made it clear to me he would not want to do it all again for fear of worse results next time. In my case that was fine because I felt the same way. I'm not sure how I would have handled it if my heart had been set on baby #3.

It's true that sometimes people grow apart as they grow older and find that they want different things. I hope you can discuss it with him and work things out. Wish I had better advice! As far as not wanting to be raising kids in his 50's? Well, I'm with you on that one, my kids are my kids and I don't care how old I am, they are mine to raise until they are out of college and ready to fly off on their own. I'm honestly in no hurry to see them go!

Good luck to you, hope you are able to work things out.

 

[debilorrah]

The only thing my ex changed his mind about was being faithful. I think this is something that the two of you need to really discuss in depth, maybe with a counselor, or your marriage could be in jeopardy. While I don't agree with his approach to the situation, at least he is being honest about it and not resentful when another one comes along. And, him not wanting more, could cause YOU to be resentful down the road. Kids are a touchy thing. Ken and I decided long ago that we weren't raising any more children and I can't tell you how glad I am that we agreed on this subject.

 

[1stepcloser]

(((Hugs)))

I wanted more children and DH did not in large part because he didn't want to "start over" w/the timeline til we were living our lives child free. We reached ended up adopting an older child and now have a beautiful 8 year old daughter.

 

[snowydiamonds]

There IS another way to look at this...let him go, continue on with your happy dream and make it real He can't help it, most men go thru a change of life thing, a midlife crisis at this point. At the prime of my life I had to let the love of my life go and continue on alone with three beautiful boys, I added two daughters and the "farm" and am still friends w/my ex and his younger wife, we share our grown kids and now share a grandson In fact, we also share the bantam RIR trio I bought from one of our fellow members of this group I made a mistake w/the second ex, he was too damaged to keep so I'm still doing things on my own and LOVIN' it

 

[agnes_day]

i think he should make an exception and let you have another little one..that seems awfully cold hearted to make a decision after such a tragedy.

 

[bonnylass79]

I have a friend going through almost the same situation except she hasn't had any kids and he has an 18 yo son from a previous relationship. Granted, he didn't help raise said son and rarely saw him. My friend has been through fertility treatments and a special diet for the last few years just trying to conceive. He suddenly decided that he already had a son and didn't want any more kids. They are now getting divorced and she's going to use a sperm donor.

In your case, this sounds like it may be your husband's way of dealing with the grief of losing both daughters. That has to be heart wrenching. I wouldn't push the issue just yet. I would seek counceling and make sure all underlying issues are worked out first.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

He may come around. Give him time, he has lost 2 daughters in two terrible ways. My DH didn't want any more(I have 2 step daughters) but now he does...not that I can have any, which is another entirely different issue. The problem was he didn't, which I felt was unfair to me. NOW that I/we can't, we have entertained the idea of adopting. I would give him time honestly. It sounds like he is hurt from losing 2 children and is afraid of more heartache. My DH was afraid of me leaving the kids like his ex did. Funny thing is I have stood by MY(her) kids like I would have my own, and he changed his mind. A man will seldom tell you WHY he doesn't want them. Men are weird like that

Sorry for your losses, and I hope things get better between the two of you.

 

[NoelTate]

I can see your frustration, but from a male's perspective, can I suggest something? Maybe it's not that he doesn't want to raise kids or to start again this late in life. Maybe it's that he is afraid of the pain of losing a child. Your family has lost two children. Maybe he is afraid of risking that sort of pain again. If he is absolutely dead set against another child, I do agree that preventing it is as much his responsibility as yours. If he is not willing to have a vasectomy, he should be prepared to make the trips to the drug store to buy other supplies.

 

[farmerlor]

Ummm yeah, Greg and I were in agreement when we got married that we wouldn't have ANY children. Quick glance at my sig tag will show you how that worked out for us but the important thing is we agreed and when we changed our minds (or had our minds changed FOR us) we agreed on the new plan.
In your case you did have a plan, you did both agree and I'm sorry but he's reneging on his part of the deal. Children are a lifelong piece of whole life experience and if he had some other idea about that he maybe shouldn't have made the original plan with you. I do feel so sorry for your many losses and hurts through the years and I understand if he's balking because so far children seem to be a lot more hurt than joy in whatever book he's using to tally this whole thing up in but if there's another child out there for you these previous losses are not her fault and she deserves to be born as her own miracle. (just an aside, I see you with another little girl at your side, thus the references to "she")
I hope you work it out together.