I don't know what I'm going to do

[Mrs MIA]

Oh Niki... I am so sorry... this breaks my heart. I don't have any advice of my own, but reading through other posts I believe you've gotten a lot of good advice on where to take your first step. You can do it, girlfriend. You ARE strong, and stronger yet because of your baby. Don't let him call the shots anymore. Get that lawyer and make sure you are protected.
I wish you were closer... I could use a helper here on the farm!!

Smile, cuz we love you...

 

[redhen]

Nikki, you can get financial aide also! even though you are married..he left. So you CAN get help! AND they even help get you a car here in MA! They paid for one for my cousin.. nice one too! Check out all your resorces! Dont lie down and let this defeat you! You CAN do this! They also pay for school!

 

[danielle82]

Before the pregnancy everything was fine and dandy? But then you get pregnant, get sick and emotional and he wants out? So a few months of him being uncomfortable is not worth sticking it out? He sounds like a spoiled brat. I'm sorry to say so, I know you love him, but truly he does. Every husband whose wife has gone through pregnancy has had to deal with mood swings, and the wife "doing less" around the house.(and if you were staying at home you were probably doing a LOT around the house) I remember in a previous thread you were VERY sick with the pregnancy. I think he needs to grow up and realize his "comfort" levels are not the end all to the world. He is part of the picture, not the whole picture. YOU are pregnant for crying out loud! Making a human! he wants to leave you? I hope he gets a wake up call and straightens out. I'm really sorry you have to go through this. You will come out on top in the long run. It dosn't feel like it, but you are going to be okay. I live in washington state, but if I lived closer to you I would come visit you. I'm sorry he is behaving like this. I'm sure he must have some good points, and I'm not trying to bash him, but I really feel like he has some growing up to do.

 

[PortageGirl]

I'm doing something that really bugs me when other people do it, I'm replying without reading more than the the first page of a thread. As usual, horsejody is speaking with excellent horse sense. FOLLOW IT!!!

Quote:
As hard as it is to hear, and I've been through troubles too so I know... but, you (and your child) REALLY are better off without this one than with him. I almost never jump to this answer, every situation is different, and counseling and such is almost always a good thing, but this guy is NO MAN!!! He's a little boy and a coward, I'm so angry just reading your first post I'm shaking.

 

[Katy]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If this is his true self coming thru you and your child will be better off without him in your lives.

I would think long and hard about considering adoption. This is a child you wanted and planned to concieve. That has not changed. Just because you and the child will have a different life than what you had planned does not mean it won't be a good one. I agree he's probably more than happy to go along with that idea as it lets him off of 18 years of child support payments.

I agree you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. No matter how it seems he has his best interests at heart...not you or your child. If he really cared he would not have done what he has to you.

In the end it will be your choice. Just make sure it's one you can live with the rest of your life.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Everything said above. Read it, believe it. Then realize that if you give your child up for adoption, as your husband (or ex.) and the baby's father, the state WILL give him first claim on it. This is FACT. Is that what you want?

You need your own lawyer representing YOU. I am happy that your husband seems to be thinking of your good, but I do not trust it. Even if he is trying to be fair, he is seeing things from his perspective only, and unless he is a lawyer, he does not know how the law views fair division of assets, alimony, child support, etc.

Correct me if I am reading between the lines, but it seems that a large part of his reasoning is that you are too dependant? If so, that may be a valid reason for having issues, but it was not enough of an issue to dissuade him from planning and conceiving a baby with you. Quite frankly that makes me think more than ever that if you decide to give hte baby up for adoption he is likely to say, "I get to dump my wife & keep my child!"

You need counseling, and if he will agree to go to marriage/family counseling with you, not necessarily with the goal of saving the marriage, but more with the goal of finding a relationship that works for both of you in raising a healthy happy child, or in coming to terms and living with the decision to adopt out your child.

 

[Chicks_N_Horses]

WOAH! I will be praying for you!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even imagine!!

 

[AHappychick]

OMG I haven't read all the threads but I can not believe what I have read. He is a jerk.

I am doing the single mom thing as well (although it is different cause my DH did not choose to leave as yours is) My parents are in AZ (I am in NY) and my DH parents want nothing to do with me or my ds and are actually suing us. My only family here is my sister and with out her I never would have made it.

I am not going to lie I am alone most of the time and it is hard. But my DS makes it all worth it, even at the worst times when I look at hi I can smile and feel joy.

You need a support system and a shoulder to cry on. You say there are no friends close and that may be true but you have made many friends here. I am not far if you like I will come to see you, or you can come and stay with me if you like. if you need some time away. But that will only delay the important things you now must do although I would help in any way I can.

Firstly like everyone says get a lawyer

2 you must learn to drive you will never be independent with out doing that so before you get to big and round with baby take driving classes and get your licence ASAP (this will also keep you busy, busy is good as there is less time to hurt emotionally)

You need to try to reconnect with any friends that you might miss that maybe you distanced from once married.

You have to find a professional to talk to, stress is very unhealthy for your baby.

Try to keep from crying to hard (the dr's told me this after AJ passed and I was 7 months preggers with ds) , the anguish you feel is VERY real and it seems like the dumbest thing to say, but try to control your crying, or keep from wailing. I don't know if you cry like that but I do and they said I had to keep from doing that.

Things have been very hard for me with ds I don't have a babysitter or many people to give me a break. I have been thinking about getting a foreign nanny type thing to live in my spare bedroom. I though it would be easier since the cost would be less and there would be another person to help with ds. It is mostly the housing that is costly and since you provide that their salary is minimum. I was going to look for someone who is familiar with farm life so that my life style did not come as a shock to them and so I could also have help with the animals. Do you have a spare room at your Mom's is this an option?

Also start selling off your birds now. Keep your favorites but lighten your load, you want less responsibilities so that you can focus on what is to come.

I am going to PM you as well.

 

[SunAngel]

I am sorry there are people out there teaching others that it is ok to walk away from your responsibilities if you are a little unhappy or scared.

Please take care of yourself, protect yourself and your baby, give yourself time to heal, believe in yourself and believe nothing that man tells you. A man that can abandon his wife and child has absolutely no morals, no compassion and can not be trusted. Chances are if he gets away with this now, he will do it again to woman #2, #3, etc. How many kids will he have wandering around before he decides marriage and raising kids will not make him die miserable?

You are getting a ton of good advice here. We cannot hear his words, but do believe they are the same words said by abusers and abandoners alike. Many of us have heard them all. Do not take him back or let him buy his forgiveness. He does not deserve to have you as a friend. It will only lead to more heartache.

I wish you well, hope you have a healthy baby and find peace with your decisions. And please don't think this is the end for you or all there is. There is a whole world full of places to live, jobs to do, men to meet....never think you are stuck.

 

[raroo]

I think considering adoption is a wise and practical option. But like others have said I would also give myself a bit of time to think about it if I were in your situation.

You can definitely make it work though! My mother was a single mom for most of our lives. It was really hard sometimes but we made it through OK.

She was also living in a very small town up north where there was no jobs, and my sister and I were very young still, so she moved us down to the lower mainland, and we stayed with her sister for a few months. Then she found work as a home support worker and she rented a small apartment. Eventually she went back to school and got her RCA degree.

She didn't have money for college for us but I still went via national and provincial student loans as well as grants. There are also scholarships. Being able to put your kids through college is a long term goal and if you try and think about it now, it is too scary and daunting. Your baby will still get to go to college even if you aren't ever able to save up for it. Many kids even work their own way through college. If he/she lives at home and works after graduation he/she will be able to save up the money in no time!

If there are no jobs where you live you may have to relocate to a bigger town where there is more opportunity. If your ex husband is truly willing to help look after you and the baby, then he can help finance your move, as well as pay for nursery school/daycare while you get yourself situated. You can take night courses and online courses to earn a certificate or diploma to help you get a good job. If there is a college near your area perhaps you can live with your mom and take classes before you move out on your own.

I hope any of this helps in any way possible! I have read your earlier posts and know how much you wanted this baby, and how much you love it already. I'm hoping that my experience can give you more confidence in yourself and help you feel more hopeful.

Hugs and strong thoughts!