- Thread starter
- #21
I guess I failed to mention that the protective order was temporary (90 days) and expired several years ago.
I have had it "to here" with my step daughter & don't know what to do.
- Thread starter Mrs. Glassman
- Start date
First off, you stepped into this mess when you agreed to marry this man. You knew he had kids and that they would be involved. End of story.
Cut mom out of the pic. like Boyd said. YOU are the ADULT here so start acting like one. This is a KID, even though she is almost 15 she is still a kid who needs to have positive influences in her life.
Involve the state as much as possible; therapy is not a bad idea for everyone involved either.
Stop trying to be her friend; you are her parent not her friend so act like a parent! Set boundaries, make rules, STICK TO THEM. This kid needs a house run like boot camp, earning privileges as she goes. She can complain to social services as much as she wants but as long as she is being fed, clothed and has shelter she does not have much to stand on..... think about all the attention this kid is getting from her actions. She was literally thrown away by her mother so she is doing everything possible to you so you will repeat the same action. She is not a worthless person she needs you to be her mom, and she needs you to show her how a mother treats their child. This kid is hurting a lot so don't throw in the towel on her yet.
Cut mom out of the pic. like Boyd said. YOU are the ADULT here so start acting like one. This is a KID, even though she is almost 15 she is still a kid who needs to have positive influences in her life.
Involve the state as much as possible; therapy is not a bad idea for everyone involved either.
Stop trying to be her friend; you are her parent not her friend so act like a parent! Set boundaries, make rules, STICK TO THEM. This kid needs a house run like boot camp, earning privileges as she goes. She can complain to social services as much as she wants but as long as she is being fed, clothed and has shelter she does not have much to stand on..... think about all the attention this kid is getting from her actions. She was literally thrown away by her mother so she is doing everything possible to you so you will repeat the same action. She is not a worthless person she needs you to be her mom, and she needs you to show her how a mother treats their child. This kid is hurting a lot so don't throw in the towel on her yet.
This is a tough one. I can offer
and prayers. Other than that, I don't think I will be much help. I was the "product of a broken home" since I was 3. My mother has been married 3 times and my Daddy 5 times. I know how that part goes. I guess I was lucky in the fact that mama and daddy didn't talk about each other. As a matter of fact, they got along great after the divorce. I lived with mama but I was free to see daddy any time I wanted. I never really liked my step parents (on either side) but I did as I was told cause I knew I would get wore out!!! I would say that at this point that her seeing her mother is not a good idea. On the other hand, it is hard to deny a parent the right to see her kid, even is the parent is scum. Are you and your hubby on the same page when it comes to her? Things like this can break up a marriage really quick. God bless yall and if you need anything, I'm not far away!!!!
I haven't read through the entire thread but I will say this:
A child's desire for parental approval is HUGE. It doesn't matter if the parent treats them like crap...in fact, that almost intensifies the desire to "fix" the parent by doing whatever they desire. I guarantee your step daughter feels like crap inside and like she is worthless. She has been combed by her mother to choose sides and to love you means to not love her mother (twisted stupid logic but I am dealing with similar feelings with my adopted daughter).
Breathe, breathe, breathe and do not play into it. And I will also say after all of these years if she is still be referred to as "step daughter" and she is still referring to you as "step mother" then your husband needs to be laying down the law with her. Maybe it is because I have an adopted daughter that I view those terms as toxic (although I understand why you would need to distinquish the relationship in this thread). A mother is a mother is a mother. You have loved, worried, punished, called her on her crap, and been there to pick up the pieces. I don't care if you pushed her out or picked her up...she is your daughter and needs to hear that.
A child's desire for parental approval is HUGE. It doesn't matter if the parent treats them like crap...in fact, that almost intensifies the desire to "fix" the parent by doing whatever they desire. I guarantee your step daughter feels like crap inside and like she is worthless. She has been combed by her mother to choose sides and to love you means to not love her mother (twisted stupid logic but I am dealing with similar feelings with my adopted daughter).
Breathe, breathe, breathe and do not play into it. And I will also say after all of these years if she is still be referred to as "step daughter" and she is still referring to you as "step mother" then your husband needs to be laying down the law with her. Maybe it is because I have an adopted daughter that I view those terms as toxic (although I understand why you would need to distinquish the relationship in this thread). A mother is a mother is a mother. You have loved, worried, punished, called her on her crap, and been there to pick up the pieces. I don't care if you pushed her out or picked her up...she is your daughter and needs to hear that.
I have not read anything but the origingal post.
Children should not be treated like a "best friend". Children need rules and boundaries and those should be set and followed through with by an adult. Your right, sometimes it is not fun to be the adult. Sometimes being the adult downright sucks. But she will be thankful for it in the long run.
Children should not be treated like a "best friend". Children need rules and boundaries and those should be set and followed through with by an adult. Your right, sometimes it is not fun to be the adult. Sometimes being the adult downright sucks. But she will be thankful for it in the long run.
Quote:
Parents who stay together are taking an equal chance of stepping into a *mess* when they choose to have children.
Parents who stay together are taking an equal chance of stepping into a *mess* when they choose to have children.
True...all parents run that risk but I heard years ago "If you marry someone who already has children, go into the marriage expecting the children to move in and the other parent to create problems." Not that it happens all the time but better to go into it expecting the craziest situation imaginable and be braced/willing to deal with it than decide it wasn't what you had signed up for later. (Not that the OP is saying she didn't sign up for that...I am just speaking generally.)
Quote:
Yes, I second this!
Yes, I second this!
I haven't finished reading them all either but here is my two cents.
The girl and you were close once. I think you should work up the courage and patience and dig deep for the love you felt once.
Sit down and talk to her. They may seem like they are not listening at this age, but they are.
Use love with the talk but be truthful. Tell her what you would like for her. How you would like her to be when she is an adult.
Share your vision and your hopes for her.
Explain your worries, concerns and pain for who she may become if she continues down this path.
Tell her you love her. Let her know she has hurt you beyond belief.
Don't make her feel guilty, just give her the truth.
Let her know that you would love to be able to control her actions, her thoughts and where she goes and what she does.
But that you can't. That is up to her. Her choices are what will make her the woman she becomes.
You can watch her like a hawk, but she will do what she wants to eventually.
Ask her to write down what she would like to see in her future. Find out what she wants for herself. Does she even know?
Is it college, marraige or freedom? Ask her to write out a plan of what she can do to make that happen.
Make her think about her future, not just about her present or her past.
Let her know you are just trying to help her get where she would like to be eventually. But that it is all up to her and the choices she makes.
Put the responsibility back onto her for her future. And then let her choose her way.
Be honest with her and let her know what some of the choices she chooses could lead to.
Pregnancy, disease, drug addiction, jail. Tell her this is what you don't want for her.
Let her know that you have rules for yourself and boundries that may not be crossed. That you will support her if she can respect those and if she can't then she will have to look elsewhere and deal with her choices.
Some children feel powerless over their life. Especially at this age. Not a kid not an adult. Not able to make all good choices.
I make sure I let mine know. Your choices are yours I cannot control you. I have rules, but you make your life. What is the life you want for you?
Talk with them when they are willing. Leave them alone when they don't. Tell them you love them and mean it. They know if you are lying. Just because you love them doesn't mean you like them or what they are doing.
And then let her go. Give her the freedom to make those choices.
If it means staying with her mother then so be it.
I would have an open door policy as long as it was not being abused.
Go if you need to, but when you are here follow the rules. If you can't then stay with your mother.
When kids start making choices for themselves and seeing the repercussions (and don't be so quick to bail them out, they need natural repercussion for their actions to teach them not to do that)
that is when they start to grow, learn and make better choices.
Help her when you can, but don't let her rule your life. Or worry your life away. Let her live hers.
Typically I would not want this for my child, but some are more bull-headed than others.
When they are constantly bailed out of situations they create then they do not learn natural consequences of their actions.
But try to always use kindness, love and patience.
When you remove the blame for her actions from yourself, then you will be able to handle it better.
You are not a failure. She has her own free agency to become who she chooses and you and everyone else are not to blame. Just her if her choices are not good.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
I would first speak with the DH and voice your feelings. You both have to be on the same page. He can't blame you or put this responsibility on you alone. He is her father. Then sit down with her and talk.
Enjoy your time with your husband. Have fun, keep close. Laugh, play and work together. Keep your relationship solid.
Good luck.
The girl and you were close once. I think you should work up the courage and patience and dig deep for the love you felt once.
Sit down and talk to her. They may seem like they are not listening at this age, but they are.
Use love with the talk but be truthful. Tell her what you would like for her. How you would like her to be when she is an adult.
Share your vision and your hopes for her.
Explain your worries, concerns and pain for who she may become if she continues down this path.
Tell her you love her. Let her know she has hurt you beyond belief.
Don't make her feel guilty, just give her the truth.
Let her know that you would love to be able to control her actions, her thoughts and where she goes and what she does.
But that you can't. That is up to her. Her choices are what will make her the woman she becomes.
You can watch her like a hawk, but she will do what she wants to eventually.
Ask her to write down what she would like to see in her future. Find out what she wants for herself. Does she even know?
Is it college, marraige or freedom? Ask her to write out a plan of what she can do to make that happen.
Make her think about her future, not just about her present or her past.
Let her know you are just trying to help her get where she would like to be eventually. But that it is all up to her and the choices she makes.
Put the responsibility back onto her for her future. And then let her choose her way.
Be honest with her and let her know what some of the choices she chooses could lead to.
Pregnancy, disease, drug addiction, jail. Tell her this is what you don't want for her.
Let her know that you have rules for yourself and boundries that may not be crossed. That you will support her if she can respect those and if she can't then she will have to look elsewhere and deal with her choices.
Some children feel powerless over their life. Especially at this age. Not a kid not an adult. Not able to make all good choices.
I make sure I let mine know. Your choices are yours I cannot control you. I have rules, but you make your life. What is the life you want for you?
Talk with them when they are willing. Leave them alone when they don't. Tell them you love them and mean it. They know if you are lying. Just because you love them doesn't mean you like them or what they are doing.
And then let her go. Give her the freedom to make those choices.
If it means staying with her mother then so be it.
I would have an open door policy as long as it was not being abused.
Go if you need to, but when you are here follow the rules. If you can't then stay with your mother.
When kids start making choices for themselves and seeing the repercussions (and don't be so quick to bail them out, they need natural repercussion for their actions to teach them not to do that)
that is when they start to grow, learn and make better choices.
Help her when you can, but don't let her rule your life. Or worry your life away. Let her live hers.
Typically I would not want this for my child, but some are more bull-headed than others.
When they are constantly bailed out of situations they create then they do not learn natural consequences of their actions.
But try to always use kindness, love and patience.
When you remove the blame for her actions from yourself, then you will be able to handle it better.
You are not a failure. She has her own free agency to become who she chooses and you and everyone else are not to blame. Just her if her choices are not good.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
I would first speak with the DH and voice your feelings. You both have to be on the same page. He can't blame you or put this responsibility on you alone. He is her father. Then sit down with her and talk.
Enjoy your time with your husband. Have fun, keep close. Laugh, play and work together. Keep your relationship solid.
Good luck.
Quote:
Nice thoughtful post.
Nice thoughtful post.
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