I have had it "to here" with my step daughter & don't know what to do.

[Mrs. Glassman]

Quote:
I was raised by a step-parent too. My father was murdered when I was 12. My step-dad was more of a parent to me than my barely-lucid mother ever was. I thrived best then. But he was killed in a horrible car crash when I was 18..days before my high-school graduation. I know how it feels to think you have been dealt a bad hand...but my thing is that this is life...you can't just yell "MISDEAL" and get a new one. You have got to make the best of what you have....no matter how crappy YOU think it is.

And what REALLY chaps me..is her hand is not that bad. Other people have had WORSE...and BECAME better. She fights it...she WANTS to be lesser. I just don' get that. I can't get that. Her mom is not the best example of a human...but she is alive...her dad is wonderful and although he doesn't like her...her loves her and he is alive. I will give to someone as long as they show appreciation for it & are working to improve themselves. If that stops...so do it. There are people more deserving of an upper hand that WANT it.

 

[Mrs. Glassman]

Quote:
THAT...That right there hit the nail on the head.

That is what:
1) TICKS ME OFF
2) SCARES the CRAP out of me.

She has already stated that I hated her during a time when I loved her most.

She already stated that I try to get in the way of her relationship with her dad...during a time when I didn't ene speak to her because I harbored hurt feelings.

Now she claims we restrict ALL intake of food. what?? REALLY??

Next it will be that we keep her in a box in the chicken pen for crying out loud!

I am asking...all avenues traveled, all therapies adjourned, when is it time to say this kid KNOWS PERFECTLY WELL what she is doing...and cast her asunder?? Why should we be her sinking ship when she is old enough & lived enough to calculate her actions...even if her motives are juvenile?

 

[GaNewChick]

I never called my step-daughter my daughter. I am not her mother. She has one ~ and a father. I never disciplined her either. She has parents for that. I have no children of my own, and never wanted any.

I've never understood that because I marry someone who has a kid, that makes me a parent. It does not.

With that being said ~ I would not tolerate her being disrespectful to me. I was there for her when she needed me. I supported her when she was right and was there for her when she was wrong (depending on the circumstances). We had an agreement that she could tell me anything ... but, if I felt it was something that could harm her ... I would tell her dad, but she would know in advance if I was going to. She told me many things through the years that he doesn't know about ~ between us girls.

She never lived with us, her mother was much more lenient with rules and never demanded respect.

We had her every other weekend until she reached the age of 14 and then we saw her maybe once a month. We understood that she wanted to spend time with her friends and didn't want her to have to say "I can't, its my daddy's weekend."

It's hard on everyone involved. Especially when the parents don't share the same house. Kids can be confused by the difference in the households and at the same time, play it to their advantage.

You do the best you can do and let it go...

 

[Mrs. Glassman]

Quote:
LOL..this is my day or two....I din't even log on yesterday and read anything, except for Boyd's PM.....

This is a day later. This is actually ONE WEEK after DEFACS just waltz through our door demanding to see our food. We have SO MUCH FOOD WE HAD TO BUY A SECOND FREEZER. :::ULLS MY {BADWORD} HAIR OUT:::: WHAT DO I HAVE TO FREAKING DO????

She makes me hate her.
She asks for this.

I do not know HOW to fix her.
I don't know what is wrong in her head.

ETA: Therapy says she is fine. There are no observable problems....SHE MANIPULATES THE SYSTEM.

Have any of you had to go through this ???

 

[Germaine_11.20]

You are hurting, I would be too. You are not alone. We only post to try to help, not to hurt. You have enough of that.
You are a good person. Some have to go along time to achieve that and some never do.
Please do not let her destroy your faith in yourself.
If you are to the breaking point then let your husband know-- that when you can you will and when you can't he will have to.
Let him know you love him and then show him. Smile for him, hug him, hold his hand. Be his sweetheart. Remember why you married each other in the first place. That is the glue that will get you through this. If that is what you want.
I am sensing that his daughter is unhappy with not only herself (and confused) but with your relationship with her father.
Keep that strong. Do not allow your relationship with him to be jeopordized by her.
Then she wins. You lose. Unless that is what you want.
If she lies, tell the truth. If she screams, walk away. Don't feed into her behavior anymore.
Your reactions are solely your responsibility. Stop and think before you react. Will this get you anywhere good? If not just walk the other direction.
"I will speak with you when you can be respectful" that's it.
I have said that to people over the phone and then said goodbye and hung up the phone. If they can't be polite then I refuse to talk.
And try not to think of her all the time. Think good things, fun things chicken things! What ever makes you happy. Smile and laugh (force yourself to-you will laugh at yourself at your attempts and you can't help but laugh just because it is so darn dumb to have to force yourself to laugh. Laugh silly, laugh loud, laugh weird, kooky, crazy until that laugh is real.
And then look at yourself and tell yourself that you are a good person. And believe it.

 

[redhen]

Mrs. Glassman :

Quote:
LOL..this is my day or two....I din't even log on yesterday and read anything, except for Boyd's PM.....

This is a day later. This is actually ONE WEEK after DEFACS just waltz through our door demanding to see our food. We have SO MUCH FOOD WE HAD TO BUY A SECOND FREEZER. :::ULLS MY {BADWORD} HAIR OUT:::: WHAT DO I HAVE TO FREAKING DO????

She makes me hate her.
She asks for this.

I do not know HOW to fix her.
I don't know what is wrong in her head.

ETA: Therapy says she is fine. There are no observable problems....SHE MANIPULATES THE SYSTEM.

Have any of you had to go through this ???

I have..
I am a therapy foster home. And these are the types of kids that live in my house..
Master Manipulaters(its actually a term my company uses)..anything to meet their needs and wants. And they are some of the scariest kids..
I have seen many foster parents brought down by these kids...many houses get shut down...and even charges have been filed and people have things on their records and cory checks for LIFE. (good luck gettinjg a job with child abuse charges on your record...) And i KNOW this person did not do what was accused. So...thats why i say this IS very scary..i have seen what happens with false accusations first hand..
The hard part is..shes also a hurting kid..BUT..you also HAVE to protect yourself...Thats why i said supervised ONLY with her. Do not be alone in the house with her..always have someone there for a witness..
I know its sounds weird..but what other options do you have? keep getting accusations put on you?..whats the next one going to be? You HAVE to protect yourself also.
Is there no other family members she can live with for a bit??
I dont know what else to advise you...​

 

[babylady4]

Mrs. Glassman :

Quote:
I don't know how a mother treats a child...I have no kids & MY mother was to busy with her MALE friends to bother with me.

That's why I am coming here with this... I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I've already tried EVERY approach I know & that's been mentioned other than walking out & calling this a deal breaker.

What the heck are you expecting? You let this kid run around with her worthless mother when you have the rights NOT to, 'mom' fills her head with crap and then you think she is going to come home and be all lovey dovey? THIS IS A KID. THEY LIE. THEY TREAT PARENTS LIKE CRAP. I could sit here and write a book about the # of times I have been stabbed in the back and lied to! Get over it. If she did not give one whit about you and you her, this would not even be an issue. She would be out on the streets or knocked up living with her boyfriend instead of driving you nuts, and if you did not care you would never have said anything about it.

When I say boot camp I mean it; no TV, computer, cell phone, make-up, ipod.... only the basic necessities of clothing, food, and shelter until she gets her act in gear. Or you could REALLY send her off to boot camp......

Another suggestion; if you could take her to the hurricane damaged areas and have her volunteer to help others who are so MUCH worse off than she is might not be a bad idea. Even taking her to the local soup kitchen and helping out for a while could help. A good dose of reality might do her some good.

A suggestion about good old 'mom', I would tell her she could come and visit whenever she wished (within reason) as long as she was at your house and supervised at all times. NO visits to mom's house EVER.

I have a 14 yr old DD myself; some days she is an angel and others she is devil spawn (sometimes it changes by the hour). You have hormones, and an immature brain to deal with here; not a fun combo on top of everything else.

My apologies for sounding harsh, I have a tendency to not beat around the bush and speak as plainly as possible. I do wish you the best of luck dealing with this poor kid; she has been put through the wringer as well as the rest of you. I would definitely contact Boyd; this seems to be his forte....​

 

[Germaine_11.20]

Oh and no, I have not had your situation. I have had my own.

Married to a man who taught his children through example that they did not have to respect me.
Married to a man who spoke to the dog kinder than he did me.
Married to a man that could not hug his children or wish to spend time with them.
Married to a man who said he would never pay child support if I left him.
Married to a man who would not work if it wasn't laid before him on a platter.
Married to a man who let me live in a trailer where I could see daylight through the wall and lock my back door with a rock.
Married to a man who would buy himself toys with his paycheck and hide them so I didn't know that the kids could have gone on that field trip if he hadn't bought the current CD
Married to a man who could not even thank me for the effort that was put into the 9 pies and other items I prepared for Thanksgiving dinner.
And the list goes on and on.
Divorced said man after 24 years and lived through his suicide and the blame that was put on me for leaving him.
Lived for 3 years without contact from the 3 children who lived out of the house and dealt with a bitter SIL whose poison reached out to touch me everywhere I went. Work, church, to the grocery store.
Lived with a son who ran away because I asked him to vacum (a chore he had been given the day before) same son told me he wanted to kill me when he was 14.
Lived with a daughter who called me a grump because I would not let her go to a man's home and cook spagetti (he was 26 and she was 16)
Lived with a son who decided to stay with his dad after the divorce and refused to come back when his father committed suicide the day after my son's 16th birthday and the day before my daughter 1st anniversary (so they wouldn't forget him)
Lived with a third son who ran away 3 times due to anger over his fathers suicide and my remarriage to a good, kind man.
Lived with a young son who at 12 and 13 told me he wanted to kill himself too.

No, I don't have your problems. I have my own.

I am grateful that with time came the truth. My children now see and understand why I left. I am sure blame is still there but we have a good relationship and I am grateful for what we have. They all live close and they tell me that they love me. That is what matters.

Married now to a man who holds my hand while he falls asleep, makes me peacock cages when he has already put in a 12 hour day and tells me I am beautiful.

There is life after the pain. Have faith and be true to yourself.

 

[redhen]

You really need to sit down with your DH and make a solid/safe plan of how everyone is going to continue living safely in your house..

 

[kezabel]

oh 14 year old girls they are the devil in disguise, mine just walked in the door and demanded to know why I hadn't answered my mobile phone, because she wanted to be picked up from school cause its too hot to walk for 10 minutes home. Oh the dramas of teenage girls.
I'd be handing all responsibilty over to the father, if she wants to treat you like that she has to deal with consiquences, has she had any punishment for being so rude and nasty to you?