I Lost My Best Friend My Husband Bill

[heatherindeskies]

you are in my thoughts

 

[chickenzoo]

I can only hope my marriage comes even a bit close to your relationship with Bill. Bless you and I hope you find the strength to heal and know he is always with you.

 

[wolftracks]

Bill's 100% was due to his PTSD. As of april things have changed and his death has to be Service related for me to collect any money for Survivor Benefits.
Bill was going to help me with trying to get SSD due to issues I have with being in public and depression and seldom being able to even leave the house. We had a huge "to do" list this month. He hadn't paid on life insurance for over a year. Bank accounts are all closed. April was the first month he was paid at the 100% rate and he was paying off all our debts so we could start over. The guy at the VA office said he could have them see if Bill's heart condition, that we didn't even know about, could be the result of Agent Orange. He wasn't too encouraging though and between there and SS I've been told I need ot apply for cash aid and foodstamps. I'm panicked about even walking into another office. How o I go in to ask for something. I have a hard time doing that although I do joke with people a lot about silly things and how I'll take that off your hands or just...............i don't know. I've had several strokes, a brain tumor that make me paranoid and scared and I dont qualify for a thing. IF they say Agent Orange could have caused this then I'd bbe eligible for the maximum of $1100 a month. I live in a dump that was supposed to be temporary at $800 a month. There's no room here for our things so a storage of $130 a month. Everything is breaking around here and the only way we got this house was because his month was due the next month and because Bill said he would do all the repairs and upkeep. I thought there was at least one life insurance policy, but none are active and some hadn't been sent in yet. Just the day before he told me that mailing those was top priority, because he wanted me taken care of if anything happened to me. I think he thought that the VA would be more helpful. There are benefits, but at a cost and even though I'll have them I won't be able to afford to use them. hmmmm catch 22?

I can get training through the VA, but at my age.........I don't know what I wanna be when i grow up. I have a hard time helping my 14 year old with his homework and he's in mostly special ed classes due to a brain hemorage when he was 10 months old. He's smart, but behind by 2-4 years. If it hadn't been for Bill helping him I don't know what I would do. How do I learn someting new when I don't retain information like I once did. I have sever migraines a lot. I panick. OMG I just want to raise my son and not take even more time away from him than I have just being sick all the time. He's a good kid and never gets into trouble, but some people expect more of him than he can give and it's always made Bill and I angry when they would treat him like he was stupid or lazy. He has no friends. He stands in a corner I found out when he has lunch at school and then spends the rest of his time in the media center. In all these years he's had one friend ever come to our house when he was younger to play and I can count how many times on two hands. How am I going to help him learn how to be a good man without Bill to show him. His dad isn't a good example and I worry he'll start taking after him now. All that work to keep him from being wild and a nice kids and now his best role model is gone. He's been helping his grandmother at work this summer and he's supposed to get paid for it, so last night he wanted to know how much it would cost him to pay the rent, so we don't have to move until I can pull things together. I worry about him not growing up mentally compared to physically at a better rate. Sometimes he just doen't get it and it's like talking to a 10 year old. If something happens to me, I'm worried he'll get into trouble just because he doesn't understand he can't do something.

I don't have his education. I have a horrible time going outside, hence the chickens to give me something to look forward to and have to leave the house. I can pay the rent on the first but after that I'm kind of lost. My son is going to start High School and I was so glad we weren't going to have to struggle with all the extras that he'll need and now I'm sitting here looking at bills and a letter from the High School with a bunch of stuff Dakotah will need and I stopped counting after $100. He's been visiting his dad this summer and just came home overnight for the funeral. When he left I could look him in the eye and when he came home I had to reach up to hug him. We just bought him new clothes in june and now I have to figure out how to dress this tall kid.

I need someone to keep the Egg Train alive on here. Bill was excited about it and happy I thought of it. It was going to be something that might have helped me leave the house more. DragonEggs please keep it going. I haven't heard from Terry in months and I still think it's a great idea and would help a lot of people here.

I know there is a couple of women on the forums that have also just lost their husbands. How are you holding it together or are you? When did returning to being a human again happen?

I was a very strong person once. I started having issues before I met Bill and when I told him about them, he just wanted to take care of me. No one had ever done that before in my life and he was good at it, so after always being in charge I actually had someone I trusted enough to let take care of me. He literally had to bath me and feed me after strokes and he never once complained about it. He just wanted me to get well. We were going to finally be able to find doctors for me, but he was trying to get all my dental care done and I wouldn't let him get us furthur into debt until this bill and my work was finished. Instead of $3700 I opted for dentures and they just don't fit or work. They're aweful and they're just the temporaries. I have 2 more months to try and get them right and a bill of $201 a month for anothe 18 months. arggggggggg


He bought me this Bev Davis flock so I could get a new one hatched and going, but bators are all falling apart on me. I have eggs I can't set and I'm losing out on what he was helping me with. I wanted to be able to sell some hatching eggs and pay to keep my birds myself and maybe a few bucks to buy HIM a gift or something that was just from me and not money he furnished. Is there any way to make money with my birds? I can't stand thinking of losing a place to live and another flock of birds, especially the ones he bought me with was almost all of them. Is there something people can REALLY do from home to make a living? I did childcare a few years ago, but I got to the oint I couldn't keep up chasing kids. Does anyone do something from home that really pays the bills and enough for even a couple of extras along the way?

Geez we were looking forward to Christmas this year and being able to get things we did without for so long. I want to lay down and sleep for a week, but I have to figure out how we're going to live until Dakotah hopefully goes to college. I can give up again then, but I have to get him through.

I was supposed to go first. I've had all the issues and could never get help for them, Bill was in pain but we had no idea this problem was even starting, let alone would take him away. I know I'm not going to be around for much longer. I feel it, but I need to do something in the meantime to take care of Dakotah and for us to buy that house I really want, somewhere around here. I can use Bill's VA priviledges for buying one, but I need someplace that also pays for itself and that I can leave to Dakotah. My other kids have great jobs and own or are buying homes and I know they will be fine, but I have to do for Dakotah, what Bill didn't get done for us.

Rattle rattle................boy I'm boring and whinny.

Thanks to those of you that have been so supportive and helpful, now if I can figure something out fast and keep my head above water maybe I can just sit and cry by myself and get some more of this out of my sysem and my head. I dont even know if I'm making in since in here, but it sure helps to post it anyway.

 

[sfw2]

 

[Lynxmomma]

So sorry to hear that I really am. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers just as they are with everyone here. So sorry that this happened. AWwww we're here if you need to talk. and im here okay

If you need anything i mean anything call me okay (406)281-4218 (Sunshine)

 

[chickenlyn]

Wolftrracks,
You say you were strong before, so you will be again. You are overwhelmed right now. If you are near a branch of Save the Children, they should have the resources for school supplies for the kids. And I don't know how the public aid system works in CA, but in NY there are abbreviated processes to get emergency benefits very quickly without the interminable paperwork and wait for a more permanent status. Tell them about your disabilities and ask a caseworker to help you; after helping you get steady benefits they might provide resources to go for your SSD.

It is so hard to regain your footing after losing someone you have relied upon. When I was divorced I had been a stay at home mom at my husband's choice. He made the money and he paid the bills. When he left I had to do it all with two young children and maintain a house that was way above my means. I didn't have nearly the earning power he did, and I was so defeated and overwhelmed I could not get out of bed for a month. I had no idea what the bills were or where to pay them. If I did not have my kids to care for, I don't think I would have chosen to live.

Put aside your to do list, stop looking at it, with the exception of what will keep the roof over your heads and food in the fridge. After those priorities are taken care of, do one small thing you know you can handle on that list and cross it off. Then go to the list and make the next smallest item on the list the priority, and take care of it. You can only do what you can do, but in crossing off the small things you are shortening your list and taking control of your life back.

I spent years grieving for my marriage and all the dreams that were destroyed; the lives I wanted for my children. And I still grieve that I could not give them the educations that would have made their lives better than mine. But they are good, honest young adults, making their own way in the world and are very resourceful, without a good male role model (their father married 3 more times after me). If you raise up a child to be honest and respectful of others, the rest falls into place. You'll figure it out in time, and you will get stronger every day. Just remember to look at your little successes; they'll get bigger as you gain confidence.

I will continue to pray for you, that God gives you the grace every day to handle your hurdles.

 

[wolftracks]

OK I'm upbeat right now so I thought since my mind is trying to work out things I should just come in and post.

I have some questions about my birds and want to know what I need to do to get them to help me make some extra money. OK right now it's not extra, but you know what I mean.

I'm hoping that I will at least get the $1100 per month. Better than nothing and we made it on just a little over that for quit a while.

$800 rent (for now)
$250 for bills or a little more.
$130 for storage cause the house and garage are too small for our things, but I have to get things here and get rid of that cost asap. Where to put it is another story. I kept the better things there and family stuff until we bought a house, but not sure how I'm going to do that for sure. I do have the VA benefits for a home purchase, but with $1100 hopefully I can't buy for more than $75k and need to find a foreclosure or something to make it work. But need animal space.

That takes care of the Survivor Benefit monies. If they even come.

I need a better car. I drive my son back and forth to school, or at least I will. Bill has done it most of the last 9 years, but now it's all me.

We only moved here in March and I haven't met any neighbors really. Remember I don't fo out much. Most everyone around here speaks Spanish. I haven't spoken the language enough to be understood since I was 8. LOL OK so no helpful neighbors really except the lady next door has a brother who shows up once in a while and has offered to help cut wood for coops and runs if we need it. Haven't seen him since the week before Bill died and he grabbed up some help and jumped the fence to help us move a big run for my FBCMs.


As for birds I had 7 Game hens and one flew the coop (literally) the other day. I went out back and had hens all over the yard and saw that the hardware wire where we were working a few weeks ago had come loose. Still haven't found the electric stapler to fix it. I have a piece of plywood blocking it for now. OK, so these birds are different types and I'm not good at Games so not sure what I have. I lost my Game roo, Romeo a while back, so no one is fertile. Eggs are great though!

I have 3 Blue Silkie hens, 3 white Silke roos and 1 hen, 1 black Silkie roo......I've lost 5 birds and a bunny since Bill died.

My flock of FBCMs are Bev Davis lines. Bill bought them so I could build a fresh flock, but when my bator went haywire I lost everything. 65 eggs with only a couple of day to lockdown. Still haven't got the Sportsman fixed and I think it's maybe the heating element. It's the older type with the thin wires, so I don't know if I can put the newer type in, but I really don't see why not. Not sure what else it could be. My daughter bought me a new wafer/thermostat the day after Bill died and she got in there and changed it. She tried really hard to help save my eggs.

I have 1 Mille Fluer d'Uccle hen and 3 yes 3 roos. Haven't been able to take pics and post then to figure out who to keep.

I have a Lt Brahma over a Aussie (bantams) and I think I have 2 developing eggs from them.

Hard to see anything through those BCM eggs.

I also have 2 Polish roos left.....1 WCB bantam and 1 Buff Laced......Need to find better hens than I had for these two

I also have my youngsters that need a new coop and should have been out a while now, but I don't have the money to buy building supplies, so I'm scronging(sp) up what I can to get something built. That was on the to do list and we were supposed to have it done the week Bill died.

One of my babies is from SQ stock Blue Ameraucana, then I have 4 FBCMs from Valentine, Prestley and Fox lines and 2 Wheaties from the same lines. There are 11 others but I'm drawing a blank for most of them except a BSL from my BR and FBCM and a little Silkie from one of my first Silkie eggs. Sooo cute!

In the bator (LG) I candled tonight and tossed 24 eggs! Dang it! Had some quiters and some bloodrings. Can't see through the 7 FBCMs and think I had to toss most of the Hamburgs and ???? geez I forget....have to look that up again. PO is horrible with my shipping eggs. I also set a few more FBCMs and some Partridge Cochins from the July Swaps. Keeping my fingers crossed.

OK I know I have way too many to work with at this point. I got the Silkies hoping to get some broodys and so far they are just too dingy to sit. I love my Polish so they stay and Bill worked so hard and drove so far for my Bev birds I just wouldn't and besides I wanted them soooo bad. They were my goal for this year.

Need to get this Sportsman working!!!!!!

I have 17 eggs that didn't fit into the bator and I don't want them to go to waste. I want to toss every FBCM into that Sportsman so I can get my new flock started. Wish I hadn't lost all those other ones when it broke down.

I've also already paid a BYC member to ship me eggs and I had here hold them right after Bikk died, so have those coming too. Geez Bill would have had that done already and I feel useless right now when it comes to getting this fixed. Even my freezer just broke down, so there everything I stocked in that too. What the heck is happening to everything?

OK so here's something I mentioned to Derek and he smiled and told me maybe something like this would work out for me. Not sure how yet, but who knows. Since I really don't know yet how it works or if I can do it I'm just trying to brain storm. There's a program through the VA that helps Vets start up farms or ranches. I don't know what they offer and what you have to do,but Bill was going to check into it for us. If someone knows anything about it I'd appreciate some info. Bill and I had thought maybe grapes and some orchards.

OK, so with what I have right now...............is there a way to start making some money to keep us afloat till we know what's going to happen with any money?.....or no money if it gets hairy.

What should I get rid of if anything?

The poultry auction is just 2 1/2 blocks from my house, but I have only lost money when I've sold anything, but maybe I can find something there that can help me along. Need those Polish hens for my boys. Polish seem to sell around here.

Any ideas before I break down again and can't get back up? I know this is iffy, but all I can come up with at the moment. I need ideas!!!!!

 

[missred871]

wolftracks, I am so sorry to hear about all the loss you have had to go through. I am not married but have lost all but my grandfather and mother in the last few years. The hardest to swallow was my stepfathers death. He fell asleep at the wheel in 05 and wrapped the truck around a telephone pole. He had a 18 hour work day and drove 2 states just to be home with my mother that night. He was more of a father to me in the time he was with my mother than my biological father was my whole life. I still find myself crying sometimes when I lie in the bed thinking of him and how much I miss him. I even cry when i talk about him I am tearing up just now. He called me that night on his way home, he was only 10 minutes away. He said he was stopping at the store for a candy bar because my mom wanted one. Then on his way home. I was on the other line and blew him off not realizing how tired he was. I wonder all the time, even now, if I had stayed on the phone with him would it have ended the way it did? I lost my grandmother 2 weeks after my daughter was born in 06 and my father on memorial day this year of a massive heart attack. I hold guilt for that accident because I didnt know that he had gone out with a friend that day and when I drove by the ambulance on the side of the road on my way to work I had no idea what had happened. An hour later I recieved a phone call from my grandfather that my dad had had a massive heart attack and was not responsive when they put him in the ambulance. When I got to the hospital they said he was gone. When he had the heart attack he had never regained alertness. I felt guilty that while my dad was having a heart attack and his friend (an ex girlfriend) was suffering from shock, I was cleaning the hotel lobby just like I did every other day. I can tell you this, it does get better, in time. When they say time heals, it is the truth. There will be times where you resent them for leaving you, or regret something that happened that particular day that you feel made the event take place. There will be sad times, there will be happy times. You just have to remember this, and I am a firm believer, things happen for a REASON. Always, always, always remember this. I know it seems frivolous at this point. I know you are asking God WHY!?!?! Lord knows I have many a time. I wonder and ask him, god why have you taken this person from us. This person who made us oh so happy. The only man who ever took care of us. Who never doubted us. I believe once, he came to me in a dream, one of the nights where I cried myself to sleep, he said, "Daughter, why do you doubt me so, I have a plan for you, these are the ways things must be done. He is here with me now. Happy. He is still with you as well. I will not let you forget him as you fear. You must go on, you must do what I have sent you there to do." Before I had a chance to ask him what that was, he was gone. I woke with tears on my face. Was this my inner concience? I do not know. I remember when we went looking for kenneth and found the scene of the accident littered with ambulances and fire trucks and police cars. His truck wrapped around a telephone pole. It was dark. The policeman came to the window to tell us we would have to turn around because the road was blocked. My mother told him we were looking for Kenneth, he told us then that he had passed away. I went into a fit of denial and rage. I actually screamed at the sheriff and told him it was impossible. I beat the dashboard until my hands were on fire. I got out of the car and screamed at God. Over and over again. WHY? NO! I don't know if my dream of God was truth or my mind trying to help me cope. I can only tell you that it helped. I felt at ease that night. I have fits of memory. i wonder how different things would have been had he not died that night. Our landlord kicked us out not even a week after kenneths death. He made 1800.00 a week. Our rent was 1000.00 a month, we lived on 89 acres with a horse barn and fenced pastures. We had 7 dogs. A week to the day before kenneth died his 14 year old papillion died. I helped him bury gizmo. I had never seen him cry until that day. He was my rock. He was everything anyone could ever need. I was lost and so was my mother. I did not know what I had to live for, what my purpose was and two weeks after his death I found out I was pregnant. It was then that my mother told me he had known before he died that i was pregnant. Some people just know these things, and he knew. She said he didnt worry about it, that he knew I would be a wonderful mother, and that she shouldnt worry about it either. Wolftracks, you are not alone. Your family will understand what you are going through because they too are going through it. I fully believe that I will never meet another man on this Earth like Kenneth. He was one of a kind. I believe that your husband was too. Find solice in the memories. When I miss him the most I remember the times that we spent together. When we rode in the car and sang along with the radio to Toby Keith's "I aint as good as I once was" and when he had to coax the people at the gas station in the middle of podunk to let me pee in their "not public" bathroom. I remember the things he taught me and the wisdom he gave me. I know he wouldnt want me to be upset or sad as I know your husband wouldnt want you to be either. I know that the financial hole is a gaping black hole that goes on for an eternity. My mother and i had to live with family for months before she gave up and went back to her ex husband (they owned the house jointly) and we only lived there long enough for me to have my daughter before we moved back to ga with family again. It took my mother nearly two years to get back on her financial feet. Kenneth was a union member but they were not married her divorce wasnt final and neither was his but they were engaged. He had no will. All of his money (a frickin lot! that he wanted us and his kids to get but not his almost ex wife) went to his "wife" whom he had been seperated from for over 10 years got the money. We got zilch. Luckily the money did pay for all the services though. Things WILL get better. But only if you let them. As she said above, one small thing at a time. I know how hard it must be to even think about going out into the world and all these crowded offices to file for something but try to do what you can online and over the phone. I have a hard time with busy places as well. I can do alright but busy health dept or CFS or even Wal Mart at the busy times can give me a migraine and make me jittery. I feel for you and you are in my prayers. I KNOW it will get better. Remember, we are only human. we have feelings, wants, needs, pains, sickness, happiness, etc. The list of emotions you have always heard about the denial and grieving and anger etc, that is real. I have been through them all and some of them I have dealt with more than once. No one expects you to be "normal" right now, you have suffered immensly this year. If anything you should get an award for getting out of bed in the mornings. I know I felt that way sometimes. God gave me reasons for what has happened to me, he took away kenneth and gave me mikaylah so I would remember my purpose. You have a responsibility to yourself and your family (fuzzy, furry, feathery, and otherwise) so try to remember you have support. You have your family and your BYC friends and family here for you. There will be good days and there will be bad days, but always remember the love and you will get through it my friend.

With sincere love and prayers
A

 

[gallinamama]

I am just seeing this for the first time..but I know from what you said in the message that your pain and sorrow is not going to go away soon. Your Bill sounded like a good man, I am so sorry for your loss.

I know this was posted on the 13th of July but I would like to thank Bill for his service to his country, to his family and to his wife. My God Bless all of you.

 

[wolftracks]

I so appreciate all of you. The posts and the pms are helping if only for a moment at a time, but their staying with me and hopefully things will start to stick.

I think I'm destine to only live a hard life. Things were bad for us more than good, hard more than easy. The first year was only hard as far as two people set in their ways to learn a balance. The second year is where money took a dive and but we weres still OK, but Bill had a bad injury at work and everything changed. There were horrible things that happened to my family and we managed to hold eachother up through all of it although it was bad enough to leave a scar that never heals, we had eachother to talk to about it and cry to.

Things would get better and then plunge so abruptly, but we could always talk about how we felt and encurage eachother, although Bill's outlook always shined over mine. He'd always say "Never say die!" How ironic.

Bill was always so depressed about not giving me everything. He started out lavishing me with jewelry and gifts and couldn;t do it after a while. It wasn't like I wore some of that stuff, but I kept because it was from him. It was nice to get nice gifts from someone. I had bought gifts over the years for people who literally gave me IOUs. Not kidding. And never got a thing, like for birthdays or Christmas other than from my kids. I liked buying things for people and I know you aren't supposed to expect anything, but they did. I still got nothing.

I worked when someone else didn't want to to support my kids, I raised them mostly on my own, they were great kids. Even when I got them small things they appreciated them. They used to pool their money together every Mother's Day to buy me musical carrosel horses and they'd all walk to the store to pick one out. I worked hard when the first 4 were little and they had so much more than the next 2. I switched from a job I had since high school because it was killing me and never did get back to what I had made for 1 years. I t got to be harder to make anyting other than the rent at time, but I managed to keep my bills paid on time but not much more. I was so tired and I was really lonely, so I was a mark to someone who wanted loyalty and hard work for absolutely nothing in return. I just didn't have anyone around who loved me. Kids will love you no matter what, but no one who actuually loved me like they said they did. No one you could talk to about everything, because you really couldn't trust them.

Bill was easy too trust. He told me I was lucky I met him later in life, because I would have hated him when he was younger. Things I've heard, I know he was right. He didn't talk much about it, but I caught things here and there, and I never would have had anything to do with him. People can change. He made a lot of changes. He had made mistakes that made him feel like he couldn't go back and rectify them or explain them. He missed out on things that he never should have and it made him sad and he felt very guilty. But that wasn't the Bill we all knew. People loved Bill. They repected him and no matter what had happened before we all knew the NOW Bill.

I didn't want to go out with Bill. Someone kept trying to fix us up and I kept telling her he was too old, not my type, didn't want a boyfriend. Then he told her the same thing and just became my friend. He was there for everything and even when he had no idea I was having trouble, he showed up to be there for me. I chased him away once. I didn't want to even be his friend, ever. I just told him to go away. I felt so sick after that. I missed him, I couldn't think straight and I didn't know why I did think I deserved someone that was so kind and helpful. Finally he called me and asked if I could really walk away from our relationship, because he didn't want to and it was killing him. He said he never felt this comfortable with anyone and liked that I was honest with him and we had so much in common. I was so happy to get that call. I tried to make it myself and couldn't. I thought he was like everyone else.

We were not two people. We were two beings, but we worked like one person. We fit together. It's so hard to feel like that, go to sleep, wake up and evrything is gone. I'm mad that he left me, but I'm more hurt that I can't see him and talk to him so he can tell me it's alright. I couldn't have gone through as much as I have if he hadn't been right there all the time. I really do think I need to get some things done, so when I go, it isn't this hard on everyone financially, and I think I have to do it soon. I'm not trying to give up, it's just hard to get on with life and under the circumstances I don't have, but the time I come in here to post, to even moarn. Everything is about to fall apart and I don't see up and I'm overwhelmed. No one here has been able to relax my mind like he did. No one knows how, but he almost always did. I feel so lone. More than I ever did before him, because I know what it's like to have someone like him now.

Some of you have shared some experiences with me and I appreciate reading about all of them. They hit home. It's nice when you understand.