I Need to talk

[oesdog]

Hi

This has been a really hard few months for me. Alot of you guys know I lost my mum in February and 4th July I lost my dog Murph who is in my avatar pic. A lot of other stuff has been going on too. I have the twins who are disabled to look after. So that takes time and them DH has not been too well. We have to have a cancer screening test done for him in August as he has been bleeding a lot. We also got news from the cardiologist that he needs more heart surgery asap. Which means he is high risk for a heart attack again. He already has 2 stents fitted and has had two angioplasts. My daughter also has heart problems and needs to get her tred mill test done soon so a bit worried for her because she has been getting chest pains. Her heart volves are back firing. Also I guess having a baby put more stress on her heart. But Jess is two next month already. My eldest boy is so up to his eyes with work I hardly see him these days. My Dad is on the phone crying over mum but he always "forgets" I lost my mum as well as him losing his wife. I can't nurse him anyhow I am not even in the same country! Even if I was I simply don't have anymore to give.

I just feel like life is - well rolling by at a rate of knots and I feel like I am floating and have no real control over things. DH is always ill. He is always having to go to bed and rest and half the time he is dosed up on morphine. Now Murph is gone I feel devistated I don't even have my big fur ball to talk to. - Was thinking earlier that Dan will go into full time care by the time he is 30yrs old and he is 26 in September. The cat is at least 14yrs because wev'e had him 13yrs and he was all grown up when we got him. So I guess he wont be about too much longer. DH isn't doing too well either as his heart is getting worse. So if he pops his clogs all I will have left is little GIz - thank God the vet reckons Giz is only about 4 yrs old. It sure is going to be quiet round here? I just feel like life has gone by and I am simply just moving along. I don't seem to be able to get a grip on anything.
I find myself doing daft things. Even when I am trying to type my brain doesn't do what it's told. I am supposed to go for Nurology tests myself soon as my fibromyalga is playing up but I really can't be bothered. There is too much disability to be bothing about that. Though lately I have been struggling to remember things I should know like I had to ask what kind of dog my daughter has But I got it for her and she has had him 4 yrs but I couldn't remember. He is a Jack-a-doodle ( Jackrustlexpoodle! )
I guess I am going a wee bit nutty. I guess it can be quite lonely trying to keep all these balls in the air. It doesn't leave much time for fun. Not that I am in a mind for fun right now.

Talked about getting another pup - we are going to but not yet. Though I think if I left it I might not bother. It just seems you put all the time and effort into biulding stuff up you love and invest in and poof a gust of wind flies in and its all gone. Like Mum and Murph and DHs health and the kids being disabled. I guess I am feeling why bother to invest? I feel quite detached like I am floating and am mearly going through the motions of the day. I mean things have to be done Bums need changed, washing needs cleaned! Tablets need delt out and shopping needs bought and food prepared and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The day is over. Did I even bother to get up today or is it just ground hog - and its just yesturday replaying itself? Days blend when they are all the same.

Oes

 

[bluesub]

You are exhausted, which probably explains why you can't even think properly any more. Have you had any luck finding a placement for your son? So sorry about your Murph, it hurts soo much when they die. Just keep an open mind about finding another dog. It is worth it, it's just hard for you to see that right now with all of the loss you have gone through recently.

Do you have any siblings that could talk to your dad? He is trying to vent, and can't quite see outside of himself right now. You need a friend.
Hang in there.

 

[Blarneyeggs]

I am sending hugs.

Of course you're overwhelmed. You are carrying a burden larger than most will accumulate in a life time. Take a breath whenever you can fit it in. Sit and watch your chooks interact, it will give you peace. And KNOW that people here are thinking of you, and care for you.

I for one, am amazed by you. You must be a strong person indeed to be shouldering all of this responsibility.

 

[debilorrah]

I am with ya!!! Ken is terminal, and we live day to day right now. I understand how you feel.

 

[oesdog]

Yes it is a big worry because you live day to day not knowing - Am I going to have to plan a funeral and oh god is the will up to date.
Dh is ok at the moment but in constant pain. I will be glad when the heart op goes ahead and then he will have more energy. Can;t get pup without energy! Not one of those anyhow. I am looking foward to his cancer tests but thats not until 15th August. Whatever is causeing the bleeds needs investigating.

As for "siblings" my sister is trying her best with Dad but he exhausts her and overwhelms her. She has MS and so that isn;t good for her either.

The woman in charge of the "restbite" was at a review with us. She seemed to think I had "plenty of time" to recharge when Danny was in day care. - 9am - home at 3pm. I had to explain agan that "we" are up all night with Dan and Dhs issues and "normal" night shift workers actually get to sleep sometime. We have to get things like the washing , shopping, cleaning, care reviews, Visiting with Ben, spend time with Dotty and our grandchild do the garden (cutting the grass noise upsets Dan) Dhs Baking (The Kitchen mixer noise upsets Dan ) and of course walking the Dog! ( Which is the nicer bit of my list!)
All these things need put into those hours before we even start to think of resting! She sniffed put her nose in the air and wrote something on her clip board. I still don;t have OVERNIGHT RESTBITE CARE!!!!!!!!!! Once Dan is home its pretty much full on and then we sit and watch TV again repeats because DH "forgets" what he already watched! And we usually don't go out. As we are both tired out.
Of course I could just take Dan and Dh to the VET!

Oes

 

[EweSheep]

Oh the frustrations you must have felt!

Im going thru a separation right now...it's rough but things will get better eventually. Its either a make or break kind of thing.

I was hoping Dan would get the full 24 hour care, you are certainly wore out!

 

[onedoodle3]

I'm sorry there are snooty people in this world that can't see beyond their noses. You need overnight care. I am amazed at everything you have going on. I am adding you to our prayer list. I pray things get better for you soon. God Bless You.

 

[schellie69]

Sorry to hear about your problems it sounds like you are just worn out. I hope you can get some over night repite some people just don't understand. Sending prayers for you and your family.

 

[oesdog]

I kind of feel bad that I have not updated this thread.

DH had his cancer checks and that came back negative so really good news. We managed to get him tests with a private unit and they diagnosed that he also has FIbromyalga same as me! He also has degeneration of the spine which means the virtabra are comeing down on to eachother. So he is pretty much in constant agony. Some days better than others. Dh had a second heat surgery in August another stent put in. Since then he has gotten progressively worse with the mobility and has fallen a few times. This meant that we now have the in put from Phsio and OT theropy. Physio is helping him with small excersizes to keep the mobility going. He also has a rollator which he hides because he doesn;t want to use it in public. But it keeps him steady and supports the spine. Without it he is a fall risk and will be in danger of breaking the hip. Sometimes the leg just goes from under him and he has no warning. The hand is the same and that means he often drops things and get frustrated with himself. Poor chap dropped his peppercorn sauce all over the floor the other day when he went to get it from the fridge. He also managed to throw a tray of coffee over himself so he is a burn risk too. The OT wouldn;t let us have a chair lift because DH is apparently too unsteady for one???? Surely that is the reason you get one? Anyhow she told us we should leave our home and move into a council bungalow instead????? What we worked hard for 30yrs to pay for this house! I was mad I can tell you! She is not comming back and we are buying a chair lift privately! SO much for our PM helping the disabled. - talking of that DH finally got his full disability through at last! Day and night care plus mobility so he could get a car if we wanted but we already have one so don't need it. That is a bit of good news.

With reguard to the Twins care. Ben attacked DH and hit him in August 3 days after that DH had to have heart surgery - so we no longer have Ben here or care for him and we do not have any involvement in his care needs at all. I certainly cannot manage his complex needs. Also the consultants working with Dh have said it is too much and Dh is not to be stressed by him so that is that I haven;t seen him since August. - I keep the door locked !

Danny finally got overnight rest-bite care. Yupeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! We are now into the 2nd month of getting it and it makes a big difference. We can for once be spontanious and look at eachother and say - do you feel like eating out tonight? It is a small bit of normality! In a sea of black dispair!

I am still exhausted but am trying ot keep my head above water. - We did get a new pup. His name is Baily and he is a cutie but will be as every puppies are hard work. I miss Murph more than ever and often find myself in tears over him. He was my reliable old friend. Bailey will take a long time to learn - EVERYTHING!!!!

We are for England soon as I am to visit my Sister who has MS - it will be good to catch up and have some time out. I will visit Dad once there and hopefully he will be coping a bit better than of late. He has up and down days and sees only his own pain. It is hard to deal with when he forgets others have lost their mother.

Anyhow that is the news from the OES. - And I lost a few pounds in weight too!

OES

 

[chippysmom327]

Glad things have looked up! Just looked through this thread, and am so happy that things are better for you! Soooo terribly sorry about Murph!

Do you think you will get another dog?