I will not feel guilty... and I will not forgive & forget!

[Buugette]

I also have an older half brother. I know nothing about him, where he is, who he is, how old he is... nothing more than I have one.

And I'm sorry... but I will never forgive him. He doesn't deserve to have my forgiveness. He also doesn't deserve my time... I know a lot of people believe it is important to forgive someone before they can move on with their life. Perhaps I look at forgiveness as something different. I look at it as a gift of sorts... and he will never deserve this gift from me.

I also don't believe that if I don't forgive, it will always be eating at me and on my mind. I don't forgive him, but I'm also not holding a grudge... I'm not angry about it all the time. I haven't even thought about him in years... let alone dwelled on him. When he first contacted me I wasn't angry till his "holy-ier than thou" attitude came into play. Him "forgiving" me got me fired up... and then the "heaven" thing set the eruption.

I have not responded to his last email and I'm not going to. I have vented and ranted and feel much better. I know he does not belong in my life and will not allow him to cause any drama for my family.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share...

D

 

[Buugette]

Quote:
It wasn't actually a computer as we would know it today, and it wasn't actually mine, but for the family. Trying to explain anything to Jim was as pointless then as it is now.

Do you remember the Commodore 64?

Oh, and what he failed to tell me is that my uncle Gary was drunk as a skunk, driving his motocycle crazy fast with a death wish as his life sucked and HIT the deer... the deer did not hit him.

Jim's health was his own doing... he smoked his entire life, drank like a fish, the only exercise he got was to and from the fridge...etc.

My uncle Ranny... well, he drank and smoked all his life too.

Don't get me wrong, no one deserves to get sick and I do love my uncles...always have, but its not like they were up for saint hood and healthy as can be and these illnesses hit out of the blue.

Jim can pull all the pity and religious cards he wants... I'm done with him.

D

 

[hangin'witthepeeps]

Well, I don't know that I forgave my father who abandoned me after my mom died and he remarried an 18 year old witch who didn't like children, I was 5. Forgot, yes I have, I do not think of him, only when I read something like this do I think of him. It's doesn't even hurt any more to see him now that he's back with his sisters/brothers. I call him Terry, hug him, tell him it's nice to see you kind of thing. I even talk and hug my step-brother/sisters when they come for holiday's here. I really could care less if I see him, or when he calls to invite us to something at his house. It's kind of like he is someone I used to know, and now never hear from. I feel like I'm not "attached" emotionally to him.

So, you have every reason to be angry and upset and demand he leave you alone. Whey invest emotions in him when he has proven that he will only eventually hurt you again, or worse your children (emotionally). It's like having an ex-husband who used to beat you, you want to invite him over for tea? No, I don't think so. Keep him at an arms distance and don't let him back in your heart. He doesn't care for you, only that you don't "think" ill of him. Make sense? Don't give him the satisfaction of easing his guilty conscience off on you.

You've paid your debt 10 times over, for anything you "might" have done/said that was mean or disrespectful. Even then he probably deserved it.

 

[redhen]

I dont blame you one bit for how you feel..
I would feel the same way too.

 

[Sjisty]

Hi Buugette -

First of all

for you. No, you don't have to forgive and/or forget. The father of my children left us for another woman and never tried to even see my son and daughter for years until my son (a Marine) was killed in a car accident. I felt the duty to track him down and tell him about his son. What did he do? He came to the memorial. My daughter was hysterical when she saw him. The Marines made him watch the memorial from a window overlooking the parade grounds. They later told me he asked them why wasn't he called and how much is the insurance??!!!

After that he came back into my daughter's life for less than a year and then she/we stopped hearing from him again. That was in 2000. Now, 10 years later, he has found my daughter on Facebook and doesn't understand why she is being very cautious about accepting him back into her life. She spent most of her life without him and has an amazing father in my current husband, one she loves very much and who gave her away at her wedding. My son also loved my current husband. By the way, the Marines told him that every form my son had to fill out, in the space for "father" he put "unknown."

Anyway, forgiveness is not unconditional, love is not aways unconditional, and I agree you should never feel guilty for your feelings. Some people just aren't worth it!

 

[CarolAnn]

Everyone who ever hurt me deserves to be forgiven as much as I do myself. Jesus died for them just as he died for me. As a follower of Jesus Christ it is my responsibility to forgive because I want and receive forgiveness from Him. If I ask someone to forgive me and they don't, I have done what I am supposed to do even though they don't/won't forgive. I haven't the right/luxury not to forgive.

I was wronged by my bio father when he left when I was very young and stayed out of my life until I was 18 and married. I forgave him in my heart even though I never talked to him about it. I was sexually abused for years by my step father and I came to a place, in my 30's, when I needed to forgive him and move on. I wrote him a letter saying a lot of things, the most important being that I forgave him for what he did to me. It seems to me that you need to pray and ask God for the strength to forgive your bio father and let go of the anger you have toward him. The anger only hurts you, not him. I think I would not have any more contact with him if I were in your place. He had his say and so did you. It needed to be said, now please pray about forgiving and go on. Jesus came to save the lost. I was once one of them, like your father may or may not still be, and Jesus offered up His own life to save me. He wasn't murdered on the cross, He gave up His life. No one could have killed Him if it wasn't what He intended to happen. And thank God He did! Give up the anger and forget about him. You'll be a lot happier.

God Bless!

 

[sheila3935]

Honey I know how you feel, my daughters go through the same thing. Their worthless piece of crap sperm donor is like yours only without the drinking. He is bipolar and refuses to take medicine. After he put our lives through h*** and I left. He remarried to a woman as nutty as he is. She had 2 kids. They have 1 together. After Bethany was born all of the other ceased to exist. Mine and her previous. I am remarried to a wonderful man that my girls refer to as dad. He is there for them. my girls are 29 and 24 once in a blue moon he will try to contact the girls they blow him off. He always blames me I brainwashed them. Thats ok. Just remember honey you have a mom and dad that love you and you dont need someone like that in your life. The one thing that bothers me is that they have a half sister that they dont even know, and they live in the same town as us just 4 blocks from where my oldest daughter lives.

 

[Buugette]

Quote:
I so feel for your daughter... I know exactly how she feels, how she felt, and what she will go through if she does accept him back into her life.

 

[Buugette]

Quote:
I respect your beliefs and appreciate your thoughts, but in my situation I don't agree. I'm so sorry for the pain you have had in your life, and can't imagin what your life was like. Your ability to forgive is incredible, as I do not believe I could. You have survived and come to terms with your past by forgiving... I commend you for that. I don't have forgiveness in my heart for Jim. I don't have anything in my heart for him.

Again, thank you for your kind thoughts... and may your life always be blessed.

D

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
Forgiveness shouldn't be a gift to that person, but a gift to yourself. I know you hear people say that and it's easy just to go "Ok, but I disagree" because most people can't really explain *why* forgiveness is a gift to oneself.. It's just something a lot of folks hear, and it sounds good and righteous and mature or whatever, so I think a lot of folks just pass it along as an ideology that "sounds right."

I've had reason to think a lot about it, though, and I've concluded that it's a healthy ideology -- and I *think* I can explain why I feel that way..

Ok, so here goes.. Something I believe very strongly is that the opposite of love isn't hatred -- it's apathy.

I've also come to believe that refusing to forgive someone is usually vindictive, and being vindictive is an inherently hateful act.

Think about this....if the meaning of having love for someone can be summed up broadly by saying that you care very deeply for them, then the opposite of love is having no regard for that person at all. I mean...it just is.

And if someone you loved -- or should have had the opportunity to have loved and from whom you should have received loved in return, as the case may be -- turns their back on you, then acting hatefully toward that person (by refusing forgiveness, etc.) is indicative of some level of continued attachment to that person.

Personally, I interpret a hateful attachment as a form of "caring"....a very dark, unhealthy caring.

So, since I personally view the refusal to forgive someone as a hateful act, and since I see hatefulness as a form of caring, then refusing to forgive is just another form of caring.

Frankly, I don't like the idea of having **any type of care** for people who have betrayed me -- so, I forgive them.

What I've found is that, over time, I come to feel nothing for that person. If and when they come into my mind, they don't alter the way I'm feeling -- they drift in, they drift out, and I roll right on down life's little road.

It's freeing.. I'm not saying you're "living in a prison" or anything, and I'm not saying you should *necessarily* forgive him...I'm just saying that if the occasional thought of him still has any negative impact *on you, at all*, and you wish it didn't, then consider the possibility that forgiveness would give you the power to stop it.



Now...I hesitate to say this, but I feel it's important, so I'm really hoping nobody jumps me for it...but consider also the implication of having begun your statement of refusal to forgive with "I'm sorry". If it really doesn't bother you at all not to forgive, then why did you feel the need to preface your position with an apology?

I'm not sayin'....I'm just sayin...