I will not feel guilty... and I will not forgive & forget!

[justbugged]

I don't know why the words forgive and forget are so linked together in our culture. I think that we forgive for ourselves, and the forgetting is often just plain stupid. Forgiving is the letting go of the anger, that will keep a person actively engaged with the person that harms them. So if that is a viable definition you have forgiven him, and now you just don't care or feel the need to waste anymore emotion on this person. If you forget then what what happens is that they get to do the same thing over and over again because you never learn. Insanity is often described as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.


It sounds like you are having the best revenge of all. You are living a fulfilling meaningful life without all the drama and garbage that he would have continued to inflict on you. It can make a person a little cranky when some of these people try to pop up again if your life from time to time. I think that you are clearly handling thing in a very healthy way, and have great boundaries. It sounds like you handle things with dignity and grace.

 

[Buugette]

cmjust0 - I PM'd you...

Thanks for your response.

D

 

[Buugette]

justbugged - thank you

 

[MandyH]

This is my life except my dad just came back and wants us to have a realtionship. I don't want one, I did when I was little and didn't understand why he wasn't there, but I have a great little life with MY family and it doesn't include him. He left for the last time when I was 8 and I will be 36 in a December. He even had the gall to tell my child "Hello, I'm your grandad". I was dumbfounded and she asked me on the way home, "who WAS that man". She's five years old so I kept it simple. I will die fighting to prevent him getting one inch closer to her. He had his chance with his own kids, he won't have any chance with mine. And the bad thing is that he has moved in with my grandparents so I can't go see them without seeing him.

 

[Buugette]

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Wow... I'm thankful I don't have that issue. Jim lives in Florida somewhere... and I don't worry that he will ever have enough ambition to show his face in PA. My kids know he exists... and they know he is my bio, but my father, and their pop, is Vic.

 

[The Yakima Kid]

Don't feel duty bound to spend the energy "forgiving" Jim. Just don't think about him. At some point in the future, you may find you can forgive - but the reality is that sometimes injuries don't heal.

My father was vicious in many ways. I lived in literal terror. By the time I was nine, he referred to me as a "slut." He also called me "useless daughter" and was just generally unpleasant. He was of German ancestry, and of course doted on my little brother. For years he ignored me; as an adult I returned the favor. I never said much about him and tried to avoid my husband ever meeting him. When my husband met him he could not believe what that man was like. I don't know if I've forgiven him or not - but I have resisted the temptation to dance on his grave.

 

[welsummerchicks]

What's good in a divorce, is if not living in the same house allows mom and dad to become friends again, and get along well in sharing custody of the children. Neither parent complains about or blames the other, and the kids are just told that mom and dad can't live in the same house any more, and they will spend a week with mom, and a week with dad, and have two sets of toys, one for each house. The kids aren't forced to 'take sides', with EITHER parent, and things are worked out calmly and fairly. What little friction there is, the kids are left out of it. The houses that each parent maintains are secure and safe, and there is no abuse of the children in either home by step parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, visiting uncles or neighbors.

And...that doesn't happen all the time. Today, divorce is more common than it was 30 years ago, and there is somewhat less tolerance from judges and Children's Services for people acting like idiots, ripping the kids in half, and providing (and ignoring) abusive step parents.

I'm sorry that so much awful garbage happened to you. I would not blame you if you preferred to stay away from your DNA-provider (I wouldn't call him a dad). It might be healthier for you to do so.

Note this post is completely free of my usual 'you can learn to get along' and 'this just needs a couple tweaks and change of perspective'.

There's a real good reason for that.

Sometimes the very best thing you can do is say good bye. Or just walk away, without saying good bye.

 

[Break an Egg]

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I completely agree with this. Forgivness would be for you, not for him. As for being in your life, he doesn't deserve it and he knows it.

Sorry you have to go through this

 

[annaraven]

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My initial response is unprintable. He doesn't deserve the time you've already spent on him. He's a waste of pixels.

Congratulations to you on making a wonderful life out of his, erm, compost material.

 

[Buugette]

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