I will not feel guilty... and I will not forgive & forget!

[welsummerchicks]

I think there are times when people are wronged when it is important to forgive and forget. That isn't always helpful with neglectful and abusive parents. Often if contact is kept up, the abusive or neglectful parent continues treating his child pretty much as he did when the child was small.

I think if you feel very angry, stuck, and not enjoying life even when you're away from the person, it needs therapy and other modes of help. But that doesn't necessarily mean it will be possible to have a healthy relationship with the abuser/neglecter.

 

[PineappleMama]

You gave him a thorough update on where your life is, I think that above and beyond what many would do. If you were spiteful/vengeful you wouldn't have done that, you'd have withheld any info just to be a butt. You didn't. But you also didn't open the door to someone you KNOW has For Years hurt you, and allowed others to hurt you.

Maybe before he dies he'll decide to ask for your forgiveness, doubtful since he's refused any responsibility where you're concerned since you were a child, but should that day ever come (look for pigs flying) THEN you can worry about whether to forgive or not. Until then, keep on living your life... sounds to me like you're doing a fabulous job.

 

[KBChicks]

I didn't read through all the posts but I did get the gist of the subject matter....

My son hasn't talked to his father in over 18 years...he's always felt his reasons were justified and I never questioned them....he's a grown man now, in his mid 30's with a family of his own.

The only thing I concerned myself with with that situation was the bitterness that he harbored all those years. It seemed to consume him and his happiness has always been jeopardized. Whatever he has to do to find some inner peace I know he'll figure out some day and I hope the same for you.

I'm certainly not saying forgive and forget.....all I'm saying is find a way to let the bitterness go so you can be happy....

 

[redhen]

The thing that would be the deal breaker for ME is..
The guy is making EXCUSES for what hes done...and says that he'll forgive YOU...
Like you had any control in the matter...a child.... (that right there makes me sick!.)
No empathy, no REAL remorse.... it was all about HIM. Boo hoo... everyone feel sorry for ME because i held a gun to your mothers head...
Toxic and looney to boot... i'd stay away..far away.

 

[un-named]

forgive him, for YOU, not him, then Forget him. Your life has been so much healthier without him in it.
(((((Hugs)))))

 

[Pelican49]

Ahh yes, the mighty manipulator trying to make you feel guilty. Sounds like my late husband.

Don't waste another thought on him. Sounds like Vic was the Father figure you needed. You don't need another.

 

[Livinzoo]

My "father" is very similar. I will not forgive or forget, but I don't dwell on the past. I feel that if you forgive and forget you open yourself up to allowing him to repeat his behavior again and again. He is toxic. You gave him more info than he needed.

My "father" handcuffed and raped my mom while my brother and I were there. I was 6. My moms hatred of him drove me to defend him. And one day I realized who he was. Granted it was after he smoked weed while driving me in the car, molested my step-sister (her mother defended him), and did several other over the top things. The last of which was his child with my stepmom got hit by a car and killed. She was my everything. She called me "My Chris". She was my identical twin just 11 years younger and by a different mother. She was only 5. Anyways after her death. he told me that if I didn't belong to his church that I would never go to heaven and see my half sister again. That hurt me and was the last straw. He found God after her death, but was not a true christian. We also lived several states away form each other.

Years went by and we didn't talk much. I was a state away and stopped by to see my grandma (before I realized she was toxic too) and she forced me to go see him. He again tried to force his church down my throat. I was engaged at that time and explained to my grandmother that I was having the man who raised me and had always been part of my life, my stepfather walk me down the aisle. She said the way she saw it I should have my father and stepfather walk me down the aisle or I should have my mom. I said well it is my day and I'm having my stepfather walk me down the aisle. When they came to my wedding they threw a big fit in front of everyone and left before the reception. I knew it was going to happen like that and I had people that were prepared to handle it.

Fast forward to 6 years without speaking to them, my brother who favors that side of the family because if you play their games you get money told my mother my grandfather had less than a week to live. He was always a great man and I wanted him to know even with everything that had happened with the family I still loved him. So I called. I had to talk to my grandmother who manipulated everything and made me out to be the bad guy and then finally let me talk to him. Later my father called me, tried to make me out to be the bad guy too. After those conversations I realized that I was right they were both toxic and I didn't want anything to do with either of them.

On and off my father has messaged me on myspace and I would read it, think about responding and than realize that is just opening a door for them. I'm pregnant with my first and my mom told my brother who told my dad. He messaged me over 10 days before my birthday. He brought up something that happened when I was 20, I'm 32 now. Blamed me for it although it was in response to something he did. And didn't take any responsibility for anything he has ever done.

Sorry this is so long, just wanted to show you that you are not alone.

 

[wildeflowers]

Wow.

He is a piece of work, isn't he. It is great you can recognize exactly who he is and what he's doing. There are many, many people out there who could never make peace or reconcile this. It's so much the opposite of how it should be, it's like they can't accept it, and they just keep getting hurt all over again.

I think the fact that you handled yourself so well is AMAZING. Well done.