I will not feel guilty... and I will not forgive & forget!

[Germaine_11.20]

He was a sperm donor, not a Father. It took him over 16 years to facebook you so... in 2026 you can facebook him back.

 

[Rozzie]

I've seen too many of my family members go through life hating people who wronged them. Was the hatred rightfully earned? Yes, in some cases it was. In other cases it was an issue of extreme personality conflicts, possible undiagnosed mental illnesses, childhood traumas, etc. Regardless of the cause, I've seen what hate does to people. Seeing the effects that this has on people has convinced me not to allow this to happen to me. Have people wronged me in life? Most certainly. I was a child in a mixed up household, with custody battles (nightmare from hell back in the 70s - unusual type of case for that time). I could rightfully claim to hate a number of people from this and other events in my life. However, it won't help me as a person to do so. It will turn me into a bitter old woman if I allow hate to take over my life.

Instead, I have learned to let go of the past -- and even forgive things that most people would have a hard time forgiving. Does it mean I've totally forgotten all of this? Of course not. That's not within the human realm, I don't think. However, when it does surface or someone brings it up it doesn't bring up feelings of anger. Sadness at times, perhaps, that I didn't have the joyous mother / father / family type relationship that others have. Sadness at times that I was not able to have a relationship with large numbers of family members while growing up (and never would have the same type of relationship, so don't seek it out now). However, hatred and anger? No. It would do no good for me to have this.

That said, letting go of the past and feelings of anger doesn't mean that you have to build a relationship with those people who have not been part of your life, even if it is through no fault of their own (I am not implying that is the case in this situation). Forgive and forget doesn't mean that you have to cozy up with the person and be their best buddy or have a relationship. Sometimes it is about allowing YOU to heal. You may bear scars but you can minimize their impact on your life.

 

[Amanda0609]

There is no reason to forgive, forget or feel guilty. I grew up with an abusive father. I stay angry at him to remind me that I will never be like him. People try to force the forgive and forget garbage on me too. Last I heard he had been arressted and may spend the rest of his life in a state run mental hospital. He knows nothing of my current life, DH and children. He will never see my kids. I told my oldest son that he had died. It was easier to explain that to a 4 yo rather than he is a very bad man that hurt me for many years. Don't forget you can also block him on FB so he can't see you anymore or send you any more messages. Sounds like you came out of everything stronger, good for you. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone and you broke the pattern of abuse.

 

[dsc6]

This is a toxic person. Turn your back to him and keep it turned. It's tempting to think that there can be a normal-ish relationship, but that is impossible. I'm sorry you reached out to him when you were getting married. It only opened you up to hurt. Any contact we have with toxic people only hurts us. You know what he is. There is no reason to have him in your life or in your mind. Been there, done that.

Not all troubled relationships are due to toxic people. But those that are--cut those people off. Period.

 

[halo]

Wow, that was quite some dialogue between you two. I think all was said that needed to be said there, and you can close the page on that book. Sounds like you've got a wonderful family, and some great kids. That person is not needed in your life for any reason at all.

 

[Cetawin]

He needs a good swift

for even pulling that type of delusional nonsense.



I see this same conversation happening a few years down the road between my daughter and her father...she is only 14 now and they have already had several of them.

 

[Mahonri]

To err is human.

To forgive, Divine.

That said, I can have sympathy for your feelings. I probably wouldn't want to have anything to do with him either.

Sounds like you have a wonderful family and a wonderful life. You have been very blessed.

Forgive, forget and let the bitterness flow away, it makes for an even happier life.

 

[justbugged]

Quote:

I truly respect this.

x2

 

[sourland]

You do not need his forgiveness, nor do you need to feel guilty or forgive and forget! A sperm donor does not make a father. It appears that he was nothing more. Embrace what you have and do not allow him to rain on your parade. I wish you and your family a continued good life.

 

[bburn]

Quote:
Alright then....I can't think of one thing you could have done to handle that any better!! Your words to him were to the point and honest. How wonderful that you were able to direct them at him finally! That is the first step towards letting go, I believe.

I have raised a special needs daughter alone since she was 2 1/2. Many problems but the final diagnoisis at 6-7. She is now 25 and living in independent living....and still wondering why her family does not come see her or call. His wife never liked her and always resented her....and amazingly enough she knew it back then! She could feel it. As she got older the stepmother liked her less and less but my daughter's father never believed the things she did to her. Emotional abuse is equally as bad and physical abuse in the long run.

The really great thing was when I took her off all her meds last year she decided she wanted to call her family and tell them how she felt. She worked up to it all one day. Finally I told her that she had to do it in an adult way because she was growing up now and that was how adults did it. I left her alone to call. She called and could only get her Uncle....who was in her life until she moved into her apartment. More and more he was not contacting her or returning her calls. This day he answered the phone. He agreed that he was not calling or seeing her and apologized and said he would do better. This man has no developemental disabilities. Nor does the rest of the family.

He told her he would call everyone else. She heard from her grandmother that same day. Never heard from her father. Everyone makes excuses about being busy and time just gets away from them.

How can my daughter understand and forgive them or even walk away and forget them....when I can't? They are missing being around the most fantastic person I have ever known. Christmas is coming. They ALWAYS want to see her Christmas. Well....they always did but last year they did not bother and she was still getting presents two months later.

Be glad you have the ablility to understand and realize what is important in your life. My daughter will never truely understand. AS far as the GOD card your dad pullled.....my daughters father teaches Sunday school.....and lectures me when he sees me about going to church. A few years ago before he stepped out completely he was explaining to my daughter why she needed to be Baptized. I finally called him and told him to shut up.....that my daughter could be Baptized whenever she wanted....but that for her it was not necessary. God loves her no matter what. Church makes her really nervous and uncomfortable. Years ago she asked me if she could just have church in her bedroom with her kereoke machine and sing to God.....well, yeah! Of course she can!

Fathers that walk away from their children I will never understand. More than that, the ones that make excuses. Like it 'hurts them too bad' to see their kids.....gee, wonder how the kids are supposed to feel?

I believe the Pearly Gates are going to slam in my exhusbands face in spite of all his Sunday School classes....because in the end God knows.

Blessngs to you and yours and go enjoy your life.