I'm mad and sad at the same time. Should I be?

[Ridgerunner]

I can understand some of your issues. Parts of my bio family I don't talk to, but most I still get along well with. It doesn't matter if they are step, in-law, or 100% blood related, some I get along with and some I don't speak to anymore. Some are good people, most are decent enough that we can get along, and some are just not worth booger snot. It's unfortunate that you have to use Facebook to keep up with what's going on with your father. At least I am in a situation that I know what is going on through a good brother. I usually talk to him before I call Mom to find out the background of some of the things she is going to say. That way I don't get suckered into her dramamtics.

I fully understand that you have to be careful what you say and do to keep from upsetting your father. When we get parents the age of ours, we'll not have them with us a whole lot longer. As hard as it sometimes is, just do what you have to so his final days as decent as you can make them. You know you are not going to win anything, but it is not about you. It's about him.

I like Rancher's post, but this is the one I have problems with. He should feel extremely lucky if no one complained. That is so unusual. It's usually the ones that took the most advantage and caused the most trouble that complain the loudest. But yeah, Mom's money and property is hers. She can give it to whomever she wants.

When Mom passed and left everything to my sister. Not one of us complained, cuz she earned it, by taking care of her when she was sick. She's the one Mom chose and that was fine. Some of us are not so lucky to have a choice.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

It sounds like it may be time to unfriend her from facebook, or at the very least, hide her status updates.

If it were my brother doing something like that from my parents, I would not have been nice the moment I found out about it. I can guarantee there would be screaming. I only had to scream at him once before for something and he never did it again. I'm lucky I'm close with my family so I don't have to be bite my tongue. Though I rarely do with other family members anyway!

Sometimes looking at facebook is the worst thing to do when you are upset. I've done this too many times to count and it just makes the situation in my head worse. Trying to get at someone over facebook is never a good idea, because you never know how the tone of what you say will come across to the person reading it. I feel the same way about text messages. I'd probably call sis up and let her have it over the phone.

 

[gritsar]

Quote:
I have my sister "hidden" on FB, so I actually have to go to her wall to read anything. As I said, she's the only one in a position to post updates about my dad so I check her status about once a week. I call Dad at least weekly, but he won't tell me things because he doesn't want me to worry. Not too long ago she posted some very graphic pictures of my dad after he took a bad fall in his driveway. I was glad to have the news, but wish she hadn't posted the pics for all to see. They were truly awful and I'm crying right now just thinking about them again. Getting ahold of my dad is sometimes tricky; when he's not at his girlfriends he's at one of his service clubs.

I have everything I ever wanted from my dad (or mom). I have their wedding album that mom wanted me to have (funny story about how I finally ended up with that) and I have my dad's dolphins (navy emblems). During our visit in Florida my dad insisted that I sit down and read his will. He has had all of us kids read it. I know that dad plans to leave me a bit more money than my siblings and I know they aren't happy about that, but it was dad's choice. As my husband provides a very nice life for us, I couldn't care less about money. I'd much rather have my father. I only pointed out that my sister frequently gets cash from him to show that she has something to lose should dad move away from there.

There was one stipulation in the will that I have a problem with. Dad stipulated that each of us would share equally in his home. He stated that he thought we might all like to use it as a vacation home and could work together to decide who gets it during which month(s). I didn't discuss it with my dad (again, I don't want to upset him) but there's no way in the world I want to have enough contact with my step-siblings to arrange something like that. I know it would never work out the way Dad intended. I also know what each of my siblings financial situations are like. I discussed it with my husband. We have set money aside and when the time comes I will offer to buy each of my siblings out. If they cannot be bought out of it, then they can have my share of it. It's not going to be worth the stress to me. Right or wrong, that's the way I am going to handle it for my own peace of mind.

My only concern is my dad. In a perfect world I could be down there taking care of him. Each time I talk to him I (gently) remind him that he is welcome to come live on our farm, in a place of his own, right across the lane. I know he never will, due to the reasons I already stated, but I want him to know that the offer stands.

My father is a proud man, a generous man that sees only the good in every person he meets. NO ONE has the right to make fun of him; not me, not my siblings, not anyone.

 

[Carols Clucks]

Gritty

Do you think you could talk your dad in to a few longer visits, maybe a season, in the house across the lane? Offer his gf could come and visit too. Maybe pick the best seasons to be in your area and offer to drive and pick him up.

It would give you a chance to better see how dad is doing and sister to do some soul searching-and stop the daily begging.

 

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
I have my sister "hidden" on FB, so I actually have to go to her wall to read anything. As I said, she's the only one in a position to post updates about my dad so I check her status about once a week. I call Dad at least weekly, but he won't tell me things because he doesn't want me to worry. Not too long ago she posted some very graphic pictures of my dad after he took a bad fall in his driveway. I was glad to have the news, but wish she hadn't posted the pics for all to see. They were truly awful and I'm crying right now just thinking about them again. Getting ahold of my dad is sometimes tricky; when he's not at his girlfriends he's at one of his service clubs.

I have everything I ever wanted from my dad (or mom). I have their wedding album that mom wanted me to have (funny story about how I finally ended up with that) and I have my dad's dolphins (navy emblems). During our visit in Florida my dad insisted that I sit down and read his will. He has had all of us kids read it. I know that dad plans to leave me a bit more money than my siblings and I know they aren't happy about that, but it was dad's choice. As my husband provides a very nice life for us, I couldn't care less about money. I'd much rather have my father. I only pointed out that my sister frequently gets cash from him to show that she has something to lose should dad move away from there.

There was one stipulation in the will that I have a problem with. Dad stipulated that each of us would share equally in his home. He stated that he thought we might all like to use it as a vacation home and could work together to decide who gets it during which month(s). I didn't discuss it with my dad (again, I don't want to upset him) but there's no way in the world I want to have enough contact with my step-siblings to arrange something like that. I know it would never work out the way Dad intended. I also know what each of my siblings financial situations are like. I discussed it with my husband. We have set money aside and when the time comes I will offer to buy each of my siblings out. If they cannot be bought out of it, then they can have my share of it. It's not going to be worth the stress to me. Right or wrong, that's the way I am going to handle it for my own peace of mind.

My only concern is my dad. In a perfect world I could be down there taking care of him. Each time I talk to him I (gently) remind him that he is welcome to come live on our farm, in a place of his own, right across the lane. I know he never will, due to the reasons I already stated, but I want him to know that the offer stands.

My father is a proud man, a generous man that sees only the good in every person he meets. NO ONE has the right to make fun of him; not me, not my siblings, not anyone.

I'm not sure how the real estate laws are where you are, but you may be able to force them to sell and then you get your share of the profits. When the time comes talk to a real estate lawyer.

"You never really know a person until you share a will".

I wish you peace,

Rancher

 

[gritsar]

Quote:
Yep, that's exactly what we intend to do. My dad is a city boy originally from Brooklyn, NY and he always shows an interest in our farm when we talk. He wants to see our farm, our german shepherds and the chickens. Because our jeeps are uncomfortable for long rides and the truck only seats two people, we have been shopping for a sedan to trade my jeep in on. Dad won't fly on an airplane. I offered to fly down, pick him up to fly back with and then fly him home. No go. Of course his girlfriend is welcome too. I kinda like her; she and I forged a good friendship during our last visit.

The mobile home right next to my dad's recently came up for sale at a bargain price. We briefly considered purchasing it so we could be close to dad once my husband retires in the spring. We'd like to be able to spend winters down there. However, the mobile home community dad lives in has some strict rules; two of which would affect us. First off, I am not yet old enough to live there. Secondly, they only allow one dog per household. I could no more give up one of my dogs than I could cut off my right arm.

We'll keep plugging along best we can. I'll try not to let my sister upset me so, but it's hard. The guilt I have over not being the one to take care of my dad is something I struggle with daily.

 

[gritsar]

Rancher, because the way my siblings treat me upsets me so my DH did some research. I don't have a "head" for understanding legalities; being in law enforcement DH does. From what DH tells me, it wouldn't be that hard for me to get a lawyer to keep my step-siblings from inheriting at all. They are not my dad's biological children, he never adopted them, but it is his wish that we share and share alike. DH has even offered to pay whatever legal costs it would involve. Fighting them would put more stress on me than I am willing to take on. I won't be going against my dad's wishes, but you're right; "You never really know a person until you share a will". It's a battle I want no part of.

 

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
Don't think I don't understand cuz I do. Short version, DW's mother took off, came back into our lives with Alhiemers. Her only sis took mom for the most part but when she died she didn't even notify DW and or what ever happened to the mothers estate. Lots of crap that DW just said she didn't care about. So I understand your feelings completely.

But if you decided to do anything you can get a lawyer to deal with it and call you when it's over. Maybe.

A will is always a good way to avoid the hassle but not the heartache.

I wish you peace,

Rancher

 

[lockedhearts]

I used to hold my tongue hen it came to talking about my sister and talking to her, since getting older and also almost losing hubby this year, I have gotten over it. My sister have never gotten along well, we have tolerated each other, of course she does not talk about my parents or anything on FB, in fact I think she finally deleted her FB page (Long really stupid story) but I would have no trouble speaking my mind to her at all.
I think you were justified in what you said and I think you have a right to worry about your dad.

 

[gritsar]

Right after our mom died my siblings got together and decided they were going to seek out their "real" father. They found him. They also found out he was still the drunk, abusive idiot he was when our mom was married to him. The same one that took off and left her with five kids, one still in diapers. It only took a couple of visits with him for the shine to wear off and they were back to accepting my dad as the only real father they have ever known. Dad knew all about their search, but still welcomed them back when they realized what their dad was.