These last 2 years have not been easy for me: lost a husband, had a miscarriage, went through major depression, lost my job, more major depression, less depression.
For the past year and a half, I have been dating a man (we'll call him D). Things for the most part were great at first, the only major hump was that he was very religious and I'm not, but we worked through that and things were good. He was supportive during my miscarriage and depression and job loss.
Then this fall, things took a turn for the worse. He works for FEMA so he was out in Mississippi for a month for Hurricane Isaac. While he was gone, I went in to his Facebook account more for curiosity's sake than anything else. I found out that a woman was messaging him quite frequently, asking to go out for coffee to catch up, saying that he had beautiful eyes, that he should be glad to get away from me because I was psycho. His responses to these messages were pretty curt and inane, he never took her up on the offer to go out. But he never defended me either. To try and make sure I wasn't blowing things out of proportion, I talked to his sister about these things and showed her the messages. She told me to give him the benefit of the doubt but to keep an eye on this woman.
So I was nervous and on edge. He returns home from Mississippi. I was curious if she had ever called him or if he had called her (she had suggested calling him one night so "your girlfriend won't know"). To my relief, he hadn't called her or she him, but I did see a dirty text in his phone from a Mississippi number. I panicked and confronted him on it. We argued about it for several days, he said he gets texts like those every disaster, says they stop after a few weeks and I shouldn't worry about it. Said that he would never cheat on me because of his faith in God. OK, we make up after a few days and get on with our lives.
So then he goes to NYC for Hurricane Sandy. A few days before he goes, he spends a lot of time on the phone with a female FEMA employee. I get suspicious and keep an eye on his email and Facebook account while he's gone. There's nothing suspicious, other than a female FEMA employee emailing him to thank him for taking him out to dinner. He rarely takes ME out to dinner. Shortly after he comes home for Christmas, he says something about not wanting to go out to eat one night. I was irritated and let slip that I knew about he and the co-worker going out to eat. He said it was just as friends and that she's 20 years older than him.
This one took a little longer to get over.
Then Christmas Eve, we're over at his mother's house and his brother-in-law is installing their old wii on his mom's TV. Once he gets it going and it shows the wii "people" on there, I notice that an ex-girlfriend of his had her "person" still on there. I said something snarky, (can't remember exactly what because I had a few glasses of wine by this time). He said he was embarrassed that I had said that and was mad at me for awhile.
Around this time, I get a few buck goats. D later says he's not attracted to me because of the goat smell. OK, so I trry and shower more often, don't rewear jeans, etc... I also notice he's not very affectionate to me any more. So I ask him about it. He says that with everything I've been doing lately, he wants some space. OK, I spend an afternoon with a female friend, try not to be so clingy, let him run some errands without me, no longer checking his email and phone (btw he threatened to change his passwords but never did). So when he left to take his daughter to the girl scout meeting a few hours ago, I got a pretty good vibe and a nice kiss from him that things might be picking up.
So I lay down to take a short nap since daughter is spending the night at a friend's house and I get the house to myself for awhile. Dogs wake me up barking. There is a black pickup truck and 2 large men asking about D's father by name, saying that they have this address as his, they're here from a collection agency (gives me business card). I say D doesn't talk to his father and the only 2 vehicles we have are in my name.
"Do you know how we can reach him?"
"His daughter talks to him once in awhile." So I give them D's sister's number. Guys thank me and leave.
I call D to let him know what happened. He said it was his dad's ex girlfriend who bought a car, defaulted on a loan and took off out of state. He said he would call the agency when he got home. I mentioned that I gave his sister's number to the guys. He began yelling at me, "You shouldn't do that! I can't believe you're that stupid! That was inconsiderate! Now they're gonna harrass her!" along that line and hung up on me. I called his sister to let him know. She was pretty casual, "Yeah, thanks for the head's up."
"You're not mad at me?"
"Of course not. I'll give them my dad's name and address so they can get this sorted out."
So what this boils down to is ... WHY CAN'T I STOP DOING STUPID THINGS??!! I try and try, then I slip up and feel like I'm back at square one
I know a lot of this stems from my own insecurity but I really don't know how to get out of it. And again, why can't I just think before I do things? I ttry, but it doesn't seem to be enough. My apologies to him at this point just seem meaningless, I've apologized for so much. I feel like I'm ruining the relationship and as soon as it gets on its feet again, I do something dumb to knock it down. I don't know what to do because everytime I try to do something, I end up making a mess of it.
For the past year and a half, I have been dating a man (we'll call him D). Things for the most part were great at first, the only major hump was that he was very religious and I'm not, but we worked through that and things were good. He was supportive during my miscarriage and depression and job loss.
Then this fall, things took a turn for the worse. He works for FEMA so he was out in Mississippi for a month for Hurricane Isaac. While he was gone, I went in to his Facebook account more for curiosity's sake than anything else. I found out that a woman was messaging him quite frequently, asking to go out for coffee to catch up, saying that he had beautiful eyes, that he should be glad to get away from me because I was psycho. His responses to these messages were pretty curt and inane, he never took her up on the offer to go out. But he never defended me either. To try and make sure I wasn't blowing things out of proportion, I talked to his sister about these things and showed her the messages. She told me to give him the benefit of the doubt but to keep an eye on this woman.
So I was nervous and on edge. He returns home from Mississippi. I was curious if she had ever called him or if he had called her (she had suggested calling him one night so "your girlfriend won't know"). To my relief, he hadn't called her or she him, but I did see a dirty text in his phone from a Mississippi number. I panicked and confronted him on it. We argued about it for several days, he said he gets texts like those every disaster, says they stop after a few weeks and I shouldn't worry about it. Said that he would never cheat on me because of his faith in God. OK, we make up after a few days and get on with our lives.
So then he goes to NYC for Hurricane Sandy. A few days before he goes, he spends a lot of time on the phone with a female FEMA employee. I get suspicious and keep an eye on his email and Facebook account while he's gone. There's nothing suspicious, other than a female FEMA employee emailing him to thank him for taking him out to dinner. He rarely takes ME out to dinner. Shortly after he comes home for Christmas, he says something about not wanting to go out to eat one night. I was irritated and let slip that I knew about he and the co-worker going out to eat. He said it was just as friends and that she's 20 years older than him.
This one took a little longer to get over.
Then Christmas Eve, we're over at his mother's house and his brother-in-law is installing their old wii on his mom's TV. Once he gets it going and it shows the wii "people" on there, I notice that an ex-girlfriend of his had her "person" still on there. I said something snarky, (can't remember exactly what because I had a few glasses of wine by this time). He said he was embarrassed that I had said that and was mad at me for awhile.
Around this time, I get a few buck goats. D later says he's not attracted to me because of the goat smell. OK, so I trry and shower more often, don't rewear jeans, etc... I also notice he's not very affectionate to me any more. So I ask him about it. He says that with everything I've been doing lately, he wants some space. OK, I spend an afternoon with a female friend, try not to be so clingy, let him run some errands without me, no longer checking his email and phone (btw he threatened to change his passwords but never did). So when he left to take his daughter to the girl scout meeting a few hours ago, I got a pretty good vibe and a nice kiss from him that things might be picking up.
So I lay down to take a short nap since daughter is spending the night at a friend's house and I get the house to myself for awhile. Dogs wake me up barking. There is a black pickup truck and 2 large men asking about D's father by name, saying that they have this address as his, they're here from a collection agency (gives me business card). I say D doesn't talk to his father and the only 2 vehicles we have are in my name.
"Do you know how we can reach him?"
"His daughter talks to him once in awhile." So I give them D's sister's number. Guys thank me and leave.
I call D to let him know what happened. He said it was his dad's ex girlfriend who bought a car, defaulted on a loan and took off out of state. He said he would call the agency when he got home. I mentioned that I gave his sister's number to the guys. He began yelling at me, "You shouldn't do that! I can't believe you're that stupid! That was inconsiderate! Now they're gonna harrass her!" along that line and hung up on me. I called his sister to let him know. She was pretty casual, "Yeah, thanks for the head's up."
"You're not mad at me?"
"Of course not. I'll give them my dad's name and address so they can get this sorted out."
So what this boils down to is ... WHY CAN'T I STOP DOING STUPID THINGS??!! I try and try, then I slip up and feel like I'm back at square one
I know a lot of this stems from my own insecurity but I really don't know how to get out of it. And again, why can't I just think before I do things? I ttry, but it doesn't seem to be enough. My apologies to him at this point just seem meaningless, I've apologized for so much. I feel like I'm ruining the relationship and as soon as it gets on its feet again, I do something dumb to knock it down. I don't know what to do because everytime I try to do something, I end up making a mess of it.
