I'm my own worst enemy

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by michickenwrangler, Jan 25, 2013.

  1. michickenwrangler

    michickenwrangler To Finish Is To Win

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    These last 2 years have not been easy for me: lost a husband, had a miscarriage, went through major depression, lost my job, more major depression, less depression.

    For the past year and a half, I have been dating a man (we'll call him D). Things for the most part were great at first, the only major hump was that he was very religious and I'm not, but we worked through that and things were good. He was supportive during my miscarriage and depression and job loss.

    Then this fall, things took a turn for the worse. He works for FEMA so he was out in Mississippi for a month for Hurricane Isaac. While he was gone, I went in to his Facebook account more for curiosity's sake than anything else. I found out that a woman was messaging him quite frequently, asking to go out for coffee to catch up, saying that he had beautiful eyes, that he should be glad to get away from me because I was psycho. His responses to these messages were pretty curt and inane, he never took her up on the offer to go out. But he never defended me either. To try and make sure I wasn't blowing things out of proportion, I talked to his sister about these things and showed her the messages. She told me to give him the benefit of the doubt but to keep an eye on this woman.

    So I was nervous and on edge. He returns home from Mississippi. I was curious if she had ever called him or if he had called her (she had suggested calling him one night so "your girlfriend won't know"). To my relief, he hadn't called her or she him, but I did see a dirty text in his phone from a Mississippi number. I panicked and confronted him on it. We argued about it for several days, he said he gets texts like those every disaster, says they stop after a few weeks and I shouldn't worry about it. Said that he would never cheat on me because of his faith in God. OK, we make up after a few days and get on with our lives.

    So then he goes to NYC for Hurricane Sandy. A few days before he goes, he spends a lot of time on the phone with a female FEMA employee. I get suspicious and keep an eye on his email and Facebook account while he's gone. There's nothing suspicious, other than a female FEMA employee emailing him to thank him for taking him out to dinner. He rarely takes ME out to dinner. Shortly after he comes home for Christmas, he says something about not wanting to go out to eat one night. I was irritated and let slip that I knew about he and the co-worker going out to eat. He said it was just as friends and that she's 20 years older than him.

    This one took a little longer to get over.

    Then Christmas Eve, we're over at his mother's house and his brother-in-law is installing their old wii on his mom's TV. Once he gets it going and it shows the wii "people" on there, I notice that an ex-girlfriend of his had her "person" still on there. I said something snarky, (can't remember exactly what because I had a few glasses of wine by this time). He said he was embarrassed that I had said that and was mad at me for awhile.

    Around this time, I get a few buck goats. D later says he's not attracted to me because of the goat smell. OK, so I trry and shower more often, don't rewear jeans, etc... I also notice he's not very affectionate to me any more. So I ask him about it. He says that with everything I've been doing lately, he wants some space. OK, I spend an afternoon with a female friend, try not to be so clingy, let him run some errands without me, no longer checking his email and phone (btw he threatened to change his passwords but never did). So when he left to take his daughter to the girl scout meeting a few hours ago, I got a pretty good vibe and a nice kiss from him that things might be picking up.

    So I lay down to take a short nap since daughter is spending the night at a friend's house and I get the house to myself for awhile. Dogs wake me up barking. There is a black pickup truck and 2 large men asking about D's father by name, saying that they have this address as his, they're here from a collection agency (gives me business card). I say D doesn't talk to his father and the only 2 vehicles we have are in my name.

    "Do you know how we can reach him?"

    "His daughter talks to him once in awhile." So I give them D's sister's number. Guys thank me and leave.

    I call D to let him know what happened. He said it was his dad's ex girlfriend who bought a car, defaulted on a loan and took off out of state. He said he would call the agency when he got home. I mentioned that I gave his sister's number to the guys. He began yelling at me, "You shouldn't do that! I can't believe you're that stupid! That was inconsiderate! Now they're gonna harrass her!" along that line and hung up on me. I called his sister to let him know. She was pretty casual, "Yeah, thanks for the head's up."

    "You're not mad at me?"

    "Of course not. I'll give them my dad's name and address so they can get this sorted out."


    So what this boils down to is ... WHY CAN'T I STOP DOING STUPID THINGS??!! I try and try, then I slip up and feel like I'm back at square one

    I know a lot of this stems from my own insecurity but I really don't know how to get out of it. And again, why can't I just think before I do things? I ttry, but it doesn't seem to be enough. My apologies to him at this point just seem meaningless, I've apologized for so much. I feel like I'm ruining the relationship and as soon as it gets on its feet again, I do something dumb to knock it down. I don't know what to do because everytime I try to do something, I end up making a mess of it.
     
  2. galanie

    galanie Treat Dispenser No More

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    I don't know your age but I do know that once you get around 30-35, all the good ones are long taken. Might not be you so much as the field you have to choose from.
     
  3. michickenwrangler

    michickenwrangler To Finish Is To Win

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    I'm 32.

    In truth, I should not be snooping on his texts and emails and I DO stupid things. I am incredibly insecure which is where the issue stems from: my clingy-ness, my snarky comments about ex-girlfriends, my snooping. I've been to 2 therapists and other than "get over it" I have not been given any good advice on improving my self-confidence and image.

    This latest thing with the collection agency is just another in the long run of stupid things I've done. I'm just afraid that at some point he will have had it with me and leave.
     
  4. chicknfun

    chicknfun Chillin' With My Peeps

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    If you really don't believe that he is or would cheat on you, then you have no reason to check up on him. From what you said it doesn't sound like there is any evidence of it........Try to resist the urge to check up on him all the time. He could be harboring resentment that you do not trust him. If he hasn't done anything wrong, then he deserves your trust. That could be why something that is not that big of a deal set him off. His sister said it didn't bother her.

    on the other hand.....

    If you are looking for a reason to suspect him, the possibility is there that you could turn any contact with any female into what you want it to mean. The truth is, he cannot live his life having no contact with any women, and if he is innocent, your lack of trust could drive him away, because no matter what he does, he loses.

    I think with your last paragraph, you are being too hard on your self. If you had any way to know that the thing with the sister would set him off like that, you would have gone about it a different way.
     
  5. galanie

    galanie Treat Dispenser No More

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    I think she's being too hard on herself, too. Anyway, the best thing to do is to be happy being without a mate. Somehow as soon as a person decides for real, in their heart, that they don't care about finding a mate, one shows up at least 3/4 of the time.

    Anyway, it really does sound like he didn't have a thing going with this person that he kept evading. And you did not have a right to snoop. Trust though, is a very touchy thing. And it goes both ways. Now you cannot trust each other. So it's gone. "Testing" someone's loyalty by snooping is not a test of them. It's a test of you.
     
  6. Carols Clucks

    Carols Clucks Chillin' With My Peeps

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    I would stop the snooping. Once you see he is not replying, you do not want to make her seem more attractive by acting possessive. A good man will attract a lot of unwanted attention from women who do not care if he is single or not. But making him feel like he is cheating will make him either say enough and move on or just do the "crime" that he is already getting punished for. I figure if any man does not want to be with me and wants to be some one else, then they are not the right person for me to start with and they should go be with that person.

    I like the saying about butterflies, if you set them free and they return it was mean to be.
     
  7. theoldchick

    theoldchick The Chicken Whisperer

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    Don't beat yourself up over this. You've been through tough times and don't know which way to go. Not only do you need to find a supportive therapist, try to find a support group to help you focus on what you need to do. You seem to know what is wrong but don't know how to fix it. Well, you made mistakes and learned from them. That's a good thing. Build upon what you have learned and explore options that can make you improve.
     
  8. michickenwrangler

    michickenwrangler To Finish Is To Win

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    Thanks, I needed the vent as well.

    Unfortunately, in our rural area help isn't easy to find. There aren't a whole lot of therapists up here. And apparently I'm not crazy ENOUGH for county behavioral/mental help.

    He called before he came home, said he was bringing his nephews over to stay the weekend. He's in a pretty good mood now, he hasn't apologized (and I'm reluctant to bring it up again so I haven't either) but he's been pleasant to me and I've done my best to be "not neurotic".
     
  9. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    Well i think of it this way..its not "snooping"..you should be able to look at whatever you want concerning your mates business.. and he shouldnt care and visa versa.. he should have access to your accts. also. (just in case of emergency..etc..)
    He didnt change his passwords, so he must feel the same way..
     
  10. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    Yeah, if he isnt bringing it up..then let it go...
    Theres no reason to bring it up again... unless you're looking for more problems? *he he,..i've bben know to do that just to get under a mans skin a time or two... *
     

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