Is it cruel to ask your parents to move out???

[Wifezilla]

Is there any way to separate the house so you aren't in each other's business all the time?

They have their mini apartment. Can they somehow get their own outside entrance?

If it were me and I had the $17,000, I would give it to them to get them out of my hair

 

[Judy]

Quote:
Absolutely. And it is the parents' (both of them) responsibility to inform her parents that this is how it is. They may be her parents, but it's also his kids.

They aren't going anywhere; if they wanted to, they'd be gone, and the $17,000 would have been spent on a new place. In a sense they've already bought their new home -- in the basement.

Whoever said it's past time for a family conference was right, too. Not to convince them to move, because they aren't going anywhere, but to work toward some peace and set some boundaries about child raising and generally living together.

I don't think the OP really wants to live with having kicked her parents out. I'd bet they'd be back as soon as the money was gone, anyway. What she needs is some support from everyone in living together more peacefully.

Of course the brothers should be having them for long visits as well, but that's probably not going to happen, either.

 

[Julie08]

Me too if I had the 17 grand I would give it to her and show her the door

 

[Tuffoldhen]

Quote:
Very good advice!

Put up with it? Really............... Why? Her parent's need to know their boundaries. She wants to raise her kids the way she wants to, they should accept that. I don't interfere in the way my kids raise their kids, it's not my right. I might not like everything they do, but it's their kids.

She has supported them for 6 years now, but she owes them? Maybe, I'm missing something.

If my parents had come to live with me and given me 17,000 to finish a basement so they could live in it yes I would feel that I owed that back to them if I was asking them to move out. Parents don't live forever and I would feel down right ashamed to have part of my home that I know they helped to build. Babysitting and I'm sure lots of other deeds have gotten done that required no $$ put forward. My 2 cents! I never asked a penny from my mom or my MIL when it came time for them to live in our household.

 

[SAM1646]

Great advice from everyone. One problem is that the value of the home has gone down due to the ecomony. I feel that my kids are confused that who is the true displaine parent??? Papa of Nina or Mom and Dad. Grant you my husband and I have some difference is raising the kids but My husbands main concern is that its affecting the kids. I guess my conplaint is that I know that my husband has his faults but hearing about them all day in nerve racking!!

My concern is that pap and nina have been here now since they were babies and how would this effect them now. Another life change?

Also my husbands parents just moved 5 houses away and they will not help with the children at all so my parents resent them and I also hear about that also. OMG!!!

They help with money once in a while and i guess thats just what they do.

I also sold my old house to my brother and got him a 30 fixed morgage with the intenetion that my parents would move their but then he refinanced to a arm morgage and could not refinance and the house was forclosed on. My problem with that was that I kept my home business there and I was paying half the mortage and was unaware that he refinanced the house without me knowing and then mortgage was under water.

Now he found a good job in Tennessee and my parents stated that they are going to spend some time there and then come back here (3 months there and months here and so on). My Concern is that as soon as I have my life back then here they come back to disruprt again.

I love my parents very much they are good people just my mother is very opionated and that pisses off my husband.

Also my mother complains that the kids are out of control and that its so noisy, well try to ahve a young couple with 3 small kids under 8 quite since my parents hear everything that goes on in the basement.

I think that is why people have children young. Dont get mewrong they love my kids but they need to be grandparents not parents and with them living here its hard for my mother to turn if off(from being a mom i mean)

 

[Spookwriter]

Let's drink Joe Bryants martini's and think this out. May take a minute.

While helping your parents out, providing housing and other essentials,
is certainly commendable, the real question is "Are you legally responsible
for your aging parents?"

The answer is probably NO. However from your post I would think that is not
the answer you are looking for. You do help them, you have helped them for
some legenth of time and you will continue to help them.

You have now had them living in your home, with your family, for the past six
years. While this is good, you and your husband need to have it understood by
your parents that you and your husband are the absolute ruler over the household,
and certainly over your three children. Your parents may not like or agree with the
way you choose to raise or discipline or even reward your children--But your parents
need to let it be your choice in the matter. Fully, without interference.

I didn't say to be cruel, or even to sound cruel. But your parents have raised their
children. These children are your children.

This would follow even to the times when your parents are in charge of the children.
YOUR rules are the rules which must be followed in your home.

Once again, I do not intend this to sound as if you are Lord and Master over your parents.
But you-and you alone-- should rule your own home. (In this case, the "you" I speak of would
be husband and wife as one.)

On the issue of the $17,000, this is something that should of been talked out before
the parents moved in. Yes, you say that you/ your husband spent a part of that money
in rehabing the basement into an apartment for the sole use as a living quarters for your
parents. And they have lived there for the past six years. I am sure that any other roof over
their heads would have cost far more than the $17,000.

No doubt that your parents have provided a service to your family in that time. As a daycare,
or perhaps lawn keeper or whatever. I don't care. Only that they have provided a service to
your family. Now they come, would like to be paid for that service. Fair enough. Pay them.

Feel free to deduct the service you/you husband have provided towards them. Food, electric,
water, newspaper...whatever. Even the remodeled rooms. Six years, 72 months divided at the
17,000 came out at $236. a month. Little light there on the rent.

I would call that $17,000 a wash. You live anywhere, six years for $17,000 sounds like a good
deal.

The fact of your parents filing bankruptcy because of issues between them and your younger
brother, I would have a problem with. Bad business on your parents behalf to give to your
brother money they theirself did not have. Do not loan what you cannot afford to lose. But
whats done is done. If your parents need their money back, the brother that squandered it
should be the person that is held to pay it back. I see no need in your paying to your parents
money that your brother spent.

Your parents recieved a value from you for their $17,000. For loaning money to the brother, they
took a loss.

On the issue that you may recieve any money someday from your husbands side of the family
is not your parents business. That matter is bewteen you and your husband.

Final thought? If your parents want to leave, let them go. Do not force them. If they want to stay,
welcome them. Let them be a wonderful part of your life. But under your rules in YOUR home.

My wifes Dad was with us two years. Good days and bad. But he knew what I would let him get
away with and what I wouldn't.

 

[Elite Silkies]

Quote:
Put up with it? Really............... Why? Her parent's need to know their boundaries. She wants to raise her kids the way she wants to, they should accept that. I don't interfere in the way my kids raise their kids, it's not my right. I might not like everything they do, but it's their kids.

She has supported them for 6 years now, but she owes them? Maybe, I'm missing something.

If my parents had come to live with me and given me 17,000 to finish a basement so they could live in it yes I would feel that I owed that back to them if I was asking them to move out. Parents don't live forever and I would feel down right ashamed to have part of my home that I know they helped to build. Babysitting and I'm sure lots of other deeds have gotten done that required no $$ put forward. My 2 cents! I never asked a penny from my mom or my MIL when it came time for them to live in our household.

Do excuse me if I am wrong, but the OP stated they got $17,000 from the sale of their house that has depleted over time, not once did the OP state that they spent $17,000 to fix up the basement. They used some of their money helping their son out of financial trouble. But, you still see that she owes the parent's $17,000? WOW! Just because they are NOT going to live forever, does not mean that the OP has to let them decide how the children should be raised, which is really the issue here. The parents are overstepping their boundaries. They are HER and her husband's children, to raise however they wish.

I'm sorry, but you live in MY home, you don't have a right to tell me how things should be ran, PERIOD! Until you live with a parent or parents, then you really DO NOT know how hard it can be sometimes. They have problems letting the parenting side go and remembering that they are Grandparents. Just my 2 cents!

They complain that the kids are too noisy, overlooking the fact that they should be grateful that they have a child that has allowed them to live with her. All kids are noisy, it's just life.

My mom pays her part every month, I am in College and I can't support her. If she didn't help out there is no way she could live with us. After I graduate, it will be an entirely different story. I do plan on taking care of my mother and she will never see the likes of a nursing home, but until then, she has to help.

The OP just wants peace between everyone. Her mother is causing anguish between the Op and her husband. There will be no peace until the parents learn their place.

 

[Nekhebet]

Quote:
If my parents had come to live with me and given me 17,000 to finish a basement so they could live in it yes I would feel that I owed that back to them if I was asking them to move out. Parents don't live forever and I would feel down right ashamed to have part of my home that I know they helped to build. Babysitting and I'm sure lots of other deeds have gotten done that required no $$ put forward. My 2 cents! I never asked a penny from my mom or my MIL when it came time for them to live in our household.

Do excuse me if I am wrong, but the OP stated they got $17,000 from the sale of their house that has depleted over time, not once did the OP state that they spent $17,000 to fix up the basement. They used some of their money helping their son out of financial trouble. But, you still see that she owes the parent's $17,000? WOW! Just because they are NOT going to live forever, does not mean that the OP has to let them decide how the children should be raised, which is really the issue here. The parents are overstepping their boundaries. They are HER and her husband's children, to raise however they wish.

I'm sorry, but you live in MY home, you don't have a right to tell me how things should be ran, PERIOD! Until you live with a parent or parents, then you really DO NOT know how hard it can be sometimes. They have problems letting the parenting side go and remembering that they are Grandparents. Just my 2 cents!

They complain that the kids are too noisy, overlooking the fact that they should be grateful that they have a child that has allowed them to live with her. All kids are noisy, it's just life.

My mom pays her part every month, I am in College and I can't support her. If she didn't help out there is no way she could live with us. After I graduate, it will be an entirely different story. I do plan on taking care of my mother and she will never see the likes of a nursing home, but until then, she has to help.

The OP just wants peace between everyone. Her mother is causing anguish between the Op and her husband. There will be no peace until the parents learn their place.

Agree. She also stated she helped financially for 14 years. Enough is enough. At this point, they are taking their situation for granted, and making life difficult. I would give a time limit, a few months to get it together, and then they have to go somewhere else. Their money going to the son was their responsibility. I also think the 17 grand (not all of which was spent on the basement) should not be paid. The amount paid for childcare would highly likely have been much less than the amount they would have paid in rent over the years, coupled with the other financial support the OP gave. All that, plus friction in the marriage? I think the OP has more than fulfilled her duty to her parents at this point.

 

[isadream]

I think that you have used your parents to help you raise your kids when the kids were very young and required a tremendous amount of care. I am guessing since its been 6 years your kids are now in school so now you do not need childcare/daycare for as many hours as you did. I know a lot of ppl who have babies and then want to dump them on grandma and once the kids start school they no longer need grandma to babysit ALL day and now grandma becomes an inconvenience. After being soo ingrained in these kids lives since the kids were babies I think it would be very unkind of you to move them out and it would hurt all of you in the long run including the kids.

If your parents want to stay I think that they should pay their fair share of the bills and food out of their retirement FIRST before they help any brothers. Second I think YOU should pay them for any child care they provide for your 3 children even if you only run to the store for 5 mins. If you charge them then thats only fair and I think it should be what you have to pay what it would actually cost you and not a discounted special grandma rate. Third I think rules need to be set. No badmouthing any one in the family ie the kids or the husband. If they started I would tell them to remember the rules and I do not want to hear it--at the same time YOU do not need to go and discuss the problems with your husband with them. I do not know how their apartment is but I think they should go "home" to their apartment after a certain time. They need space from you and you need space from them. It can be after dinner if you guys all eat dinner together.

If you do not want to pay them or they do not want to pay you then I think the child care is a very fair exchange in them living there. Honestly how often do you say hey mom I need to run to the store real fast? How often are you late coming home from work because you stopped at a store. Do you know how much you would have to pay for child care for 3 children and then you would be putting them in daycare with strangers. How valuable is it to have ppl that you can TRUST watch your children for you? Did you know if you put them in daycare you will be charged if you run late--even if its only 5 mins?

I also think you should cherish this time with them. You really do not realize how lucky you are to have them. I have no parents, no inlaws and we have a little 2 year old. We have NO help and have had NONE since the day she was born. You really do not know what I would give to have my mom here just for advice and support. The time you have with them is PRICELESS. Unfortunately you will probably not realize it until they are gone.

JMHO,

Renee

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Very good advice!

Put up with it? Really............... Why? Her parent's need to know their boundaries. She wants to raise her kids the way she wants to, they should accept that. I don't interfere in the way my kids raise their kids, it's not my right. I might not like everything they do, but it's their kids.

She has supported them for 6 years now, but she owes them? Maybe, I'm missing something.

You aren't missing anything and I just managed to get my jaw off the floor. The OP has been paying for everything for them for 6 years while they have helped their OTHER children. I think that more than covers the cost of the basement. I lived with my mom for 10 years to help her out. I chose to end the cycle 3 years ago and I couldn't be happier than I am now.