- Mar 21, 2010
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Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?
- Thread starter Chickie Mamma
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- Jul 26, 2010
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To a degree. But I also watched my mom be belittled, ignored and mostly taken for granted for thirty years, and that sort of behavior does make a difference. She wasn't beaten, no. But every idea she had was 'stupid' and everything she wanted to do was 'ridiculous and childish'. Her needs were 'immature' and an occasional hug or a little rest from housework when she was sick, not on the program. Until he went out in public and put on a show of being the great husband in front of other people. And yes, when they came back from the visit or the party, my mother was even unhappier than when she left.
I'm sick of hearing people say, 'the man should do whatever he wants and the woman should put up with it because she took a vow'. That makes for a ridiculous, one sided, dictatorial relationship. The man took a vow TOO - to love, to cherish, to care for...what up with that part of it?
Partners in a relationship DO have a responsibility to each other. A relationship comes with benefits - and to get the benefits, the partners BOTH need to contribute in a meaningful and positive way, not just the woman does the 'relationship work' - the man needs to too.
And there is a point at which it turns into, 'no, he's not responsible for everything she feels and happiness does come from within, according to Buddha, but he also needs to be fairly decent to her and have some interest in the relationship, too, or she ain't gonna wanna stick around'.
Because the first crush may be empty, but there also may be someone else out there who WILL be fairly decent and take some interest in the relationship!
I can't really tell from her description what's going on completely, because the description is one sided - her side. People come to the internet to commiserate and get sympathy, not to resolve problems, I guess.
I'm sick of hearing people say, 'the man should do whatever he wants and the woman should put up with it because she took a vow'. That makes for a ridiculous, one sided, dictatorial relationship. The man took a vow TOO - to love, to cherish, to care for...what up with that part of it?
Partners in a relationship DO have a responsibility to each other. A relationship comes with benefits - and to get the benefits, the partners BOTH need to contribute in a meaningful and positive way, not just the woman does the 'relationship work' - the man needs to too.
And there is a point at which it turns into, 'no, he's not responsible for everything she feels and happiness does come from within, according to Buddha, but he also needs to be fairly decent to her and have some interest in the relationship, too, or she ain't gonna wanna stick around'.
Because the first crush may be empty, but there also may be someone else out there who WILL be fairly decent and take some interest in the relationship!
I can't really tell from her description what's going on completely, because the description is one sided - her side. People come to the internet to commiserate and get sympathy, not to resolve problems, I guess.
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I just wanted to say that I would leave. First, I would try everythingin my power to put the spice back in, but if it was plain to see he was not interested in making an effort, I would ask for a separation. Life is way too short to be unhappy in a situation that you can change.
Separation is not divorce. Maybe it would snap some sense into him.
You're bored and lonely. Of course you have a crush. You are only human. But you deserve to be with someone who you crush on everyday.
Separation is not divorce. Maybe it would snap some sense into him.
You're bored and lonely. Of course you have a crush. You are only human. But you deserve to be with someone who you crush on everyday.
Quote:
You have children!!!!! Their well being is the top consideration. Keep your hormones in check until your children are grown. Then go do what you want. Unless their if physical abuse.. Find ways to make it work. Don't break a family. Get to work on your relationship with your spouse!
Sorry but that is my opinion.
ON
You have children!!!!! Their well being is the top consideration. Keep your hormones in check until your children are grown. Then go do what you want. Unless their if physical abuse.. Find ways to make it work. Don't break a family. Get to work on your relationship with your spouse!
Sorry but that is my opinion.
ON
Quote:
You have children!!!!! Their well being is the top consideration. Keep your hormones in check until your children are grown. Then go do what you want. Unless their if physical abuse.. Find ways to make it work. Don't break a family. Get to work on your relationship with your spouse!
Sorry but that is my opinion.
ON
I dissagree, you dont not stay together for the childrens sake-why -so they can see mom misserable and sad all the time? So they can see dad ignore mom and do whatever he wants with no regards to them? NO-then your teaching your children to settle for whatever-not for the best it can be and demand it at all times. I grew up in that household your describing and hearing my mother tell us she stayed with dad only for us-IT was horrible--the screaming-the fighting the tears-no child should have to watch their parents go through that-mine are still together and its pathetic! we are all grown and out of the house for over 15 years and they havent changed but are are so stuck in their misserable existence-no one else would ever want either of them-they deserve eachother-we love them but man alive-thats sad! Keeping hormones in check though-I completely agree and not breaking family up until you have reached out to everything for help in the marriage-if it doesn't work-it doesnt work but DO not let it be for another person let it be because it doesn't work anymore...
You have children!!!!! Their well being is the top consideration. Keep your hormones in check until your children are grown. Then go do what you want. Unless their if physical abuse.. Find ways to make it work. Don't break a family. Get to work on your relationship with your spouse!
Sorry but that is my opinion.
ON
I dissagree, you dont not stay together for the childrens sake-why -so they can see mom misserable and sad all the time? So they can see dad ignore mom and do whatever he wants with no regards to them? NO-then your teaching your children to settle for whatever-not for the best it can be and demand it at all times. I grew up in that household your describing and hearing my mother tell us she stayed with dad only for us-IT was horrible--the screaming-the fighting the tears-no child should have to watch their parents go through that-mine are still together and its pathetic! we are all grown and out of the house for over 15 years and they havent changed but are are so stuck in their misserable existence-no one else would ever want either of them-they deserve eachother-we love them but man alive-thats sad! Keeping hormones in check though-I completely agree and not breaking family up until you have reached out to everything for help in the marriage-if it doesn't work-it doesnt work but DO not let it be for another person let it be because it doesn't work anymore...
- Thread starter
- #126
Quote:
Whoa... First of all, I am just looking for some helpful opinions. Yes, he does know that the 60 pounds gained since marriage has put a strain on our physical situation. I've always lost weight after every pregnancy because I didn't want HIM to look at me this way. I think everyone lets themselves go a bit once married. But I've always tried, and by no means do I look like a model (I am not looking to be like that). I want to be healthy and fit and able to keep up with my kids. I don't want to huff and puff while playing frisbee with the kids etc. When we got married, he was a size 28 waist, I was a 7/8. Now... he is a 38 waist and I am now 7/8 but after pregnancy, I did go up to a 10. Its a BIG difference. And what is wrong with finally feeling good about the way I look and feel? I worked very hard to feel better about myself, and there are no other "dudes". Just one that has sparked my attention. I don't think thats so bad for almost 12 years of marriage. Are you the type of person that when a friend comes up to you and says they lost 20 pounds, do you look at them and say they still look like crap? Wow, don't ever work for a suicide hotline.
Whoa... First of all, I am just looking for some helpful opinions. Yes, he does know that the 60 pounds gained since marriage has put a strain on our physical situation. I've always lost weight after every pregnancy because I didn't want HIM to look at me this way. I think everyone lets themselves go a bit once married. But I've always tried, and by no means do I look like a model (I am not looking to be like that). I want to be healthy and fit and able to keep up with my kids. I don't want to huff and puff while playing frisbee with the kids etc. When we got married, he was a size 28 waist, I was a 7/8. Now... he is a 38 waist and I am now 7/8 but after pregnancy, I did go up to a 10. Its a BIG difference. And what is wrong with finally feeling good about the way I look and feel? I worked very hard to feel better about myself, and there are no other "dudes". Just one that has sparked my attention. I don't think thats so bad for almost 12 years of marriage. Are you the type of person that when a friend comes up to you and says they lost 20 pounds, do you look at them and say they still look like crap? Wow, don't ever work for a suicide hotline.
- Thread starter
- #127
Quote:
You have children!!!!! Their well being is the top consideration. Keep your hormones in check until your children are grown. Then go do what you want. Unless their if physical abuse.. Find ways to make it work. Don't break a family. Get to work on your relationship with your spouse!
Sorry but that is my opinion.
ON
I dissagree, you dont not stay together for the childrens sake-why -so they can see mom misserable and sad all the time? So they can see dad ignore mom and do whatever he wants with no regards to them? NO-then your teaching your children to settle for whatever-not for the best it can be and demand it at all times. I grew up in that household your describing and hearing my mother tell us she stayed with dad only for us-IT was horrible--the screaming-the fighting the tears-no child should have to watch their parents go through that-mine are still together and its pathetic! we are all grown and out of the house for over 15 years and they havent changed but are are so stuck in their misserable existence-no one else would ever want either of them-they deserve eachother-we love them but man alive-thats sad! Keeping hormones in check though-I completely agree and not breaking family up until you have reached out to everything for help in the marriage-if it doesn't work-it doesnt work but DO not let it be for another person let it be because it doesn't work anymore...
My parents stayed together for the kids sake, and my mom was miserable alot. I watched my mom mow the lawn, paint the house, fix appliances while my dad sat and ate and watched sports. My mom said she never minded, but yet complained that no one helps her. My brothers and I helped as much as we could. Now, my dad... at almost 400 pounds, cannot move or breathe well. My dad is 63 and I don't see "many" more b-days in his future. We still love him, but he did it to himself. I always vowed that I would marry someone completely the opposite of my father. He is slowly turning into him. That is what worries me
You have children!!!!! Their well being is the top consideration. Keep your hormones in check until your children are grown. Then go do what you want. Unless their if physical abuse.. Find ways to make it work. Don't break a family. Get to work on your relationship with your spouse!
Sorry but that is my opinion.
ON
I dissagree, you dont not stay together for the childrens sake-why -so they can see mom misserable and sad all the time? So they can see dad ignore mom and do whatever he wants with no regards to them? NO-then your teaching your children to settle for whatever-not for the best it can be and demand it at all times. I grew up in that household your describing and hearing my mother tell us she stayed with dad only for us-IT was horrible--the screaming-the fighting the tears-no child should have to watch their parents go through that-mine are still together and its pathetic! we are all grown and out of the house for over 15 years and they havent changed but are are so stuck in their misserable existence-no one else would ever want either of them-they deserve eachother-we love them but man alive-thats sad! Keeping hormones in check though-I completely agree and not breaking family up until you have reached out to everything for help in the marriage-if it doesn't work-it doesnt work but DO not let it be for another person let it be because it doesn't work anymore...
My parents stayed together for the kids sake, and my mom was miserable alot. I watched my mom mow the lawn, paint the house, fix appliances while my dad sat and ate and watched sports. My mom said she never minded, but yet complained that no one helps her. My brothers and I helped as much as we could. Now, my dad... at almost 400 pounds, cannot move or breathe well. My dad is 63 and I don't see "many" more b-days in his future. We still love him, but he did it to himself. I always vowed that I would marry someone completely the opposite of my father. He is slowly turning into him. That is what worries me
Hi there. Drawing from my recent rough patch, 10 years in, I can tell you how I felt.....I felt alone and invisible. Like I didn't matter. Completely taken for granted and emotionally abandonned. And then I was hanging out with friends and one guy was just SOOO kind. He listened, he was interested, he knew I was involved and didn't try anything. He was harmless, sweet and interesting. It filled in all those holes that had gotten so big. But my feelings were not harmless.....I spent nearly a year tortured by guilt at my feelings for the "other guy", and angry and hurt by my guy.....but still in love with him, and that made me angrier! There were some VERY deep issues with my guy that lead into all this......but I ended up throwing him out.......I needed some time to get myself together and figure out what direction I wanted to go. I tried to keep a friendship going with "other guy", but it was clear that anything deeper than friendship was too tedious. He is a great guy....but would not have fit into my life. ESPECIALLY not moments after seperating from my spouse. Not to mention there was this horrible, nagging ache to have my guy back home. And I am heartfelt happy to say that is right where he is. He is still "him" that's not gonna change, but we are both working together for "us" again.
I'm NOT saying to leave your guy. But don't underestimate your crush. Do NOT start something no matter how harmless you convince yourself it is. If ending your relationship is what you need to do, then do that first. Children will survive. And a strong woman CAN live without welfare. My mother did. Her mother did. Your children are important and if they see a Mother being strong for them, and putting them over her lusts and whims they will feel important even if you are all dirt poor!
My mother left my father for many reasons, but when she discusses it now, she recalls mostly how controlling he was. She wasn't permitted to have a car. She had no allowance or job. We lived 8 miles from town and it was his hometown.....she didn't know anyone. Those are just some of the highlights......
I grew up with a mother that I loved/hated because she was so hard and demanding. She was never around (worked 80 hours a week at a job that paid the men $'s more per hour to do the same thing) there was never any food in the house (she still maintains there was......technically she was right....there was flour, sour milk, canned mushrooms and eggs in the barn....those could always be counted on....i learned creative cooking! NEVER will eat boxed mac and cheese for as long as i live....will eat fire ants first) we never had anyting cool or new. Clothes were worn out literally threadbare. Nothing was ever good enough for my mother. She only went on two dates the whole time I was growing up...........as I grew up, I saw her sacrifice.....I'm still growing and getting more appreciation for that. I am proud of how strong she was/IS and full of gratitude for all the lessons she taught me and strength that I learned. And I am a strong woman because of her......probably too controling myself, but it's hard to break imprinting.
Teach your children to finish the projects they start before they move on to new ones. This is a VERY important project, decide how you want it to end.
I'm NOT saying to leave your guy. But don't underestimate your crush. Do NOT start something no matter how harmless you convince yourself it is. If ending your relationship is what you need to do, then do that first. Children will survive. And a strong woman CAN live without welfare. My mother did. Her mother did. Your children are important and if they see a Mother being strong for them, and putting them over her lusts and whims they will feel important even if you are all dirt poor!
My mother left my father for many reasons, but when she discusses it now, she recalls mostly how controlling he was. She wasn't permitted to have a car. She had no allowance or job. We lived 8 miles from town and it was his hometown.....she didn't know anyone. Those are just some of the highlights......
I grew up with a mother that I loved/hated because she was so hard and demanding. She was never around (worked 80 hours a week at a job that paid the men $'s more per hour to do the same thing) there was never any food in the house (she still maintains there was......technically she was right....there was flour, sour milk, canned mushrooms and eggs in the barn....those could always be counted on....i learned creative cooking! NEVER will eat boxed mac and cheese for as long as i live....will eat fire ants first) we never had anyting cool or new. Clothes were worn out literally threadbare. Nothing was ever good enough for my mother. She only went on two dates the whole time I was growing up...........as I grew up, I saw her sacrifice.....I'm still growing and getting more appreciation for that. I am proud of how strong she was/IS and full of gratitude for all the lessons she taught me and strength that I learned. And I am a strong woman because of her......probably too controling myself, but it's hard to break imprinting.
Teach your children to finish the projects they start before they move on to new ones. This is a VERY important project, decide how you want it to end.
sonew123,
I am sorry that is your experience. I respect your opinion. Actually I have no idea what a difficult relationship is like, as my folks were married until death do they part.. They were best fiends. Soooo, I am not the best at giving advice in this area...
Chickie Mamma,
I wish you the best.. Just be honest, while you still have some love in you.........
ON
I am sorry that is your experience. I respect your opinion. Actually I have no idea what a difficult relationship is like, as my folks were married until death do they part.. They were best fiends. Soooo, I am not the best at giving advice in this area...
Chickie Mamma,
I wish you the best.. Just be honest, while you still have some love in you.........
ON
Quote:
Its ok Im not mad at all I just lived what you suggested and there was no happy ending to that:-( Im so glad you grew up in a great household with loving best friend parents-I wish I did. Mine will be married till death do them part if they dont kill one another first! haha I moved out at 16 as did sis and bro followed not far behind us becasue of how unhappy they were being together for the kids-it doesnt work that way is all-thats what I wanted to get across-its all good
Its ok Im not mad at all I just lived what you suggested and there was no happy ending to that:-( Im so glad you grew up in a great household with loving best friend parents-I wish I did. Mine will be married till death do them part if they dont kill one another first! haha I moved out at 16 as did sis and bro followed not far behind us becasue of how unhappy they were being together for the kids-it doesnt work that way is all-thats what I wanted to get across-its all good
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