Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?

[wegotchickens]

First of all

Always on your side, ready to guard your back

The crush (IMO) is a signpost. He symbolizes a fork in the road. Honestly, if you spent more time around him you'd probably find that the spark fizzles out. Fantasies are lovely because there's no farting, BO, or pigheadedness. The Fate part of all this is that it's time for you to take stock of what you have, what you want, and how you want to get there.

Counseling helps on the "How you want to get there".

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
Ah well, in that case I vote for taking that big ol' fish and whopping him in the head with it. That's a joke... and yet...

Well, me myself I cannot take criticism at all... I mean I REALLY suck at it, bad. I get hurt and defensive, too many years of it left scars you know? But, if I'm given Constructive Criticism, realistic suggestions, then eventually when my dander (first reaction no matter what dangit) goes down and I can think again then I can look at it and see what can be done... but specifics help... just saying "you're being weird" for instance wouldn't do a lot for me and I'm a total weirdo and always have been... do you mean weird compared to June Cleaver or weird compared to myself... you see how this could be confusing? Not that that is at all your fella, but off chance the guy is like me maybe a simple suggestion, clear and concise would be a good idea?? *shrug* It's a maybe...

Have you ever tried to compile a list of all the things that annoy you about him? Then maybe go through the list and mark off all the ones that he can't help (ala snoring)... then from the list that's left ask yourself if you're being a git for thinking so much of something or if it really is something that is a problem... is it just because you're already cranky, or is it really important. That sort of thing... mark off any you find... then once you have that list figure out which... ohhh say three things bother you the most... and ask him to work on specifically those things... or even just start with one... you know your fella better than me so prolly a better gauge of it.

You said that he refused... but did you give him specifics or just an in general 'man I married' kind of thing? I'm still genetically the same woman DH married, but I know I've changed internally... but I don't think most people spend near as much time analyzing themselves as I do... I'ma bit of a nut about it, family full of nutcases I'm always on alert... neurosis I guess. Point is most people aren't that observant about the little changes in themselves... and since they were never able to see themselves through another's eyes it's dern near impossible to see how they may have changed in another's eyes... if that makes a lick of sense. Physically, yeah, but the inside stuff is harder.

Of course... you could invite him to make a similar list... or even make one for yourself (those are always harder IMO)... think of things he's griped about... 1... 3... whatever... and you work on those, if he works on his... so that you are both working to make your marriage last... a worthy endeavor...

Worst comes to worse, and if yours is the competitive type, make it a challenge... one that even if you lose (but who wants to lose) you still win because it means your marriage is stronger... *shrug*

Just some random thoughts that came into the ol' noggin as I was typing... may be worth a try, may not be...

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

DARN, Now I wish I wasn't married. You're a beautiful woman & YOU LIKE TO FISH!!!!!

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
You are funny!

I am probably at my "worst" while fishing

The fish was a 13 pound Bluefish, prettier than I am in that pic!

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
Ah well, in that case I vote for taking that big ol' fish and whopping him in the head with it. That's a joke... and yet...

Well, me myself I cannot take criticism at all... I mean I REALLY suck at it, bad. I get hurt and defensive, too many years of it left scars you know? But, if I'm given Constructive Criticism, realistic suggestions, then eventually when my dander (first reaction no matter what dangit) goes down and I can think again then I can look at it and see what can be done... but specifics help... just saying "you're being weird" for instance wouldn't do a lot for me and I'm a total weirdo and always have been... do you mean weird compared to June Cleaver or weird compared to myself... you see how this could be confusing? Not that that is at all your fella, but off chance the guy is like me maybe a simple suggestion, clear and concise would be a good idea?? *shrug* It's a maybe...

Have you ever tried to compile a list of all the things that annoy you about him? Then maybe go through the list and mark off all the ones that he can't help (ala snoring)... then from the list that's left ask yourself if you're being a git for thinking so much of something or if it really is something that is a problem... is it just because you're already cranky, or is it really important. That sort of thing... mark off any you find... then once you have that list figure out which... ohhh say three things bother you the most... and ask him to work on specifically those things... or even just start with one... you know your fella better than me so prolly a better gauge of it.

You said that he refused... but did you give him specifics or just an in general 'man I married' kind of thing? I'm still genetically the same woman DH married, but I know I've changed internally... but I don't think most people spend near as much time analyzing themselves as I do... I'ma bit of a nut about it, family full of nutcases I'm always on alert... neurosis I guess. Point is most people aren't that observant about the little changes in themselves... and since they were never able to see themselves through another's eyes it's dern near impossible to see how they may have changed in another's eyes... if that makes a lick of sense. Physically, yeah, but the inside stuff is harder.

Of course... you could invite him to make a similar list... or even make one for yourself (those are always harder IMO)... think of things he's griped about... 1... 3... whatever... and you work on those, if he works on his... so that you are both working to make your marriage last... a worthy endeavor...

Worst comes to worse, and if yours is the competitive type, make it a challenge... one that even if you lose (but who wants to lose) you still win because it means your marriage is stronger... *shrug*

Just some random thoughts that came into the ol' noggin as I was typing... may be worth a try, may not be...

Oh.... I think I made about 10 lists over the past couple years. Maybe actually giving it to him, may help. Its a good idea to do the lists, on both sides. That may work

Thanks for the "random thoughts" always

 

[Chickie Mamma]

Quote:
Awwww.. Chickie

Who knows if this "crush" farts or stinks or is pigheaded

Well, I was around him a couple times and I never smelled anything. He is definately a fork in the road. If my husband would stop cancelling the counseling sessions, maybe I can "get there". I hate using the word "fate", its corny etc.. but what if something was "meant to be"? Ah, thats corny too

back at ya!!

 

[wegotchickens]

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I'm a cynic when it comes to 'crushes'. I think they're called 'crushes' for a reason....
Just be careful, Duckie. It would suck to make a big move and have things fall all to bits.

Earlier I remember you saying the kids are unaware that you're unhappy. Maybe so, maybe not. And I know some people say stay for the kids, and some people say never let the kids help make major decisions. But if you are unhappy they probably sense that something isn't right.
Maybe next time you get cancelled on an important appointment you should calmy vent (to the DH, in front of the kids) about how important it is to you, and to the family, that certain things get done? Because it's important for them to know that you tried to keep the team together, no matter what happens later.

 

[TyrannosaurusChix]

Does your husband know that you arent attracted to him now that he is fatter?


Imagine if he went online b-ing about you needing to lose 0ver 20 pounds. I can BET a bunch of people wouldnt be responding that maybe you were depressed

. I am not trying to be mean, honest. I just think you need a lesson in communicating with your husband. Imagine how you would feel if you found out the "physical" difficulties your marriage was experiencing was because of you?


Id liek to think I am an attractive woman, even if i am fat at the moment. My husband has gained weight since married. I wouldnt object to both of us losing weight, but id never dream of posting on the internet( or even thinking it, barring life threatening, immobility type weight gain) that i wasnt attracted to him and that i think about other dudes cause i lost 20 pounds and now feel hot and i like the new attention.

You have gotten some good advice.. I guess i am a meany who has spent WAAAYYYY too much time on social networking sites hearing this stuff from married people with less than the best intentions.

 

[FarmerJamie]

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Ummm, are you the same woman he married? sumptin ta thinks about.

Personally, I'm a little grayer, a little saggier, and but also a little wiser and more thankful for the things I have than when I was first married.

I don't mean this to be critical or as a personal attack. We all change over time, we just do.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Huh. You want to know if you should fantasize over this imaginary Prince Charming who in the imaginary world will make everything good and perfect and happy? Never mind that you know absolutely nothing about him and have had very little contact with him. In the meantime you have a very real husband you promised to love in good times and bad, the father of your children who works all the time to make sure you have food on the table and a roof over your head? Really? This is even a question for you?

Go to counseling. If he will not go, you go anyway to figure out why the fantasy world is more appealing than reality and why you are depending on HIM to make YOU happy. In the meantime perhaps switch your affection over to the men in romance novels. They are just as real as your crush.

Following through on your crush- you do not work yourself, so you have no way to support yourself. You and your children, even with child support, will fall to an even lower standard of living. Pretty sure that won't make you happy. Prince Charming, if for some magical reason shares your crush, will turn out to have flaws just like your ex. You will now be broke and disappointed. Your children will have the stability they have known disrupted and will deal with all of the hardships that come from a broken home. In a few years you will once again wonder what happened to the fun, spontaneous man you first loved and the cycle will start all over again.

No man can make you happy. Happy is a choice you make inside yourself. Love is not just for the good times when life is all sunshine and rainbows. Love is an act, a daily act to choose to love those around you. We are all flawed and irritating in some way. Love deals with it and goes on. It does not spend all of its time pretending that an imaginary man will make it all better somehow. Whether you are happy and whether you feel loved isn't your husband's responsibility. It is your choice.