Is she mean to me on pourpous? (CALLING ALL MOM'S Advice needed)

[chickNturk]

:/no words, im shocked and feeling soooo bad for you. She turns out to be the really ugly one by her cruelty

 

[cassie]

It sounds like your mother may have a sociopathic personality. The best way to deal with people like this is distance. You can' fix her.

 

[Knock Kneed Hen]

I was 40 before I finally realized that I kept wishing for a mother that was never going to materialize. I think we often hang onto the hope that one day mom will finally love us for who we are and we will have a "normal" relationship.

What I hadn't realized before was that for my mom the way she treated her children WAS normal to her. I realized that she was never going to change. I then had to decide to accept her as she was with her limitations OR cut her out of my life. I don't see her much even though were in the same town. She never calls me to say hi or see how the kids are doing. I try to make it a point to call her once a month just to see how she's doing. I do this for me so that I can have a clear conscience.

We can't change other people. We can only change how we react to them. Your mom is never going to change. You will have to be the one to set the guidelines. My advice would be this: let her know that if she brings up your weight in any way that the conversation is over. Tell her that from now on if she brings it up you're going to "have to go". If she wants a relationship then SHE is going to have to make some changes...like giving you the respect you deserve. If you have children I absolutely would never leave her alone with them.

Sorry that your mom has disappointed you again.

 

[unionwirewoman]

I'm not sure how or if this helps , but my father was the same way . Not to me , but to my sister . My sis was not his "real " child , but my mother married him when she was 2 . I was born 2 yrs later . When she became a teen , he was always telling her how "big" she was ( she wasn't even BIG ) . My point being.....parents can be very cruel . My dad who was my best friend for 10 yrs deserted me . His mother still thinks my sis is inadequete . She's always been treated that way by that side of the family . I can't imagine how she feels . My dad now lives 10 miles from me . 5 mile from my sis . He has taken advantage of us in so many ways that it came to a point that we said....not anymore . The hard part is my sis's daughter . She met my dad a few yrs ago and askes about him now and then . It's hard enough to deal with parents who are selfish, inadequate, hurtfull....but to try to explain it to a child is just heart wrenching . I went through 15 yrs of trying to bond , trying to please , thinking that " If I do this , accomplish this , then they'll respect and love me " . It's not a fairy tale.....I wish I could give you that , but it's not . She'll never see you as who you are.......especially if you can't LOVE yourself for who you are ! BE the person you want to be.....heavy , thin , who cares as long as you're happy and healthy . There will always be people to bring you down , it's sad that it's your mother , but just let this be an oppurtunity to truly explore yourself and see who you are !! There's nothing wrong with being you if it's the you you want to be !!!!! Look in the mirror , see who you are , and ask yourself if that's who you are happy to be . YOU are your greatest and worst critique......You have to live day in and day out with yourself . Make your own judgement !!!

 

[pfenning_pfarm]

"I'm not the average girl from your video, and I'm not built like a supermodel, but I learned to love myself unconditionally because I am a Queen" India Arie.

I was blessed with a fantastic family, so I can't pretend to know what you went through, but I am sorry that you had to go through it. If I were in your shoes, I would have to advocate for myself. If you want to have a relationship with your mom lay down the law. Mom, if we are going to have a relationship, the digs about my weight need to stop. If they don't I will automatically hang up/ or ignore your email etc. If she can't abide by the rules you set, then sever ties. Some people don't even realize how they behave ( no excuse, I know), Maybe laying it on the line will make her realize how cruel she is being to you. If she wants to make amends, she is going about it the wrong way, let her know now before she can hurt you anymore. Sometimes you just have to make a choice on who you are gonna hurt in a no win situation. If I were you I would chose myself, seeing as no matter where I go, there I am

I hope you find your peace. Good luck! And btw, I am a bigger girl...and I am beautiful, if I gain 50 pounds or lose 20, no matter I am still me. And you are a fox too, don't let anyone make you think differently!

 

[ebwy]

I just automatically answer "it's extremely rude of you to think you have the right to comment on my body" no matter who makes the comment. If they persist I cut them off with "still being extremely rude!" as many times as it takes. If they refuse to learn better manners, I refuse to be around them at all.

I do this consistently, whether they are saying I've gained or lost weight. My body isn't theirs to comment on.

Maybe a similar approach to dealing with your mother might work?

 

[AHappychick]

Just because she carried you and birthed you does not make her a "mom" by the real sense of the word. you are bound to here by blood but other than that sopunds like she does not deserve your love. Unfortunatly you will continue to love here none the less, but try not to let her hurt you anymore. So what if you are not a size 2 tell here where to shove it. You should do whatever you feel is right and please vent anytime, but you owe her nothing and she is lucky you havent hit her over the head with a frying pan. There is nothing you can do to change her so just try to protect yoursel;f and not let her comments hurt you. She is a sad sad woman and clearly did not deserve you.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Yup..this.
You cant fix her.. dont even bother trying..
i personally dont let toxic people into my life. If they cause me heartache and problems.. they dont stay in my life long..

 

[PineappleMama]

Your duty is to your health... her's SHOULD have been, but never has been... and health includes mental well being.

You said she's into drugs... couldn't leave them alone... to the point of abandoning all things sensible?

Take a step back and see if perhaps she isn't your drug. You've put your physical and mental well being at risk for her.
Been on the streets for her. Moved and juggled and jumped through hoops for her.
Sounds like a drug to me... and we all know DRUGS ARE BAD.

Take a step back, and in a year if she still feels the same (getting closer), still living in the same place, same job, STABLE.
THEN you reconsider.

Until she's stable she's only going to continue abusing you... but only if you let her.

Believe you me I know about this sort of thing... unfortunately... but eventually I realized that I owe my hubby, my babies and my self a lot more loyalty that I do her. My health matters more to me, my hubby and my kids than it ever did to her... so for our sake I do what I have to to keep healthy and SANE... even if that means not picking up the phone when caller ID shows it's her. We're better now... we took that break, let her see what she was missing, get stable-ish, and we're a lot better off now. Not perfect by any means, who is, but better for all concerned.

Oh, and BTW... it's not a big picture, but from where I'm sitting you're a perfectly pretty lady... odds are she's pizzed royally that even 'fat' you're more attractive than her wrinkled, drugged out (causes all sorts of problems), OLD self.

 

[saddina]

My mother was crazy (a different flavor, but crazy still). Best moment of our relationship was when she called me to accuse me/mr saddi of unspeakable things. It was a clear sign that she'd lost all basis in reality, and when she demanded I never set foot in her house again, I was quite happy too. She's been allowed to see her grandchildren for one hour since then (supervised by my dad who's aware she's nutty, he sees the boys weekly). I don't see her/talk to her/think about her, it's downright blissful. As a mother, think about if you'd leave your kid alone with this woman, or what you'd tell a best friend in this spot. Now give yourself that much love and do what's right for you.

I'll even be your auntie.

And oh yes, she does know she's hurting you, it's why she does it.